The Smallest of Journals (It fits snugly in your palm!)

[Selwyn]

I should have started something like this a long time ago. I hear it's a good way to get your thoughts in order.

But mine are so chaotic all the time.

It's easy to put on a smile, it doesn't take much to be kind. Sometimes, at least. Nobody likes a sourpuss, nobody likes someone who's sad all the time. Play the part, make them love you.

But why? What for?

Friend to all, ally to none. That's what he once told me. Truthfully, who can I actually, really, TRULY count on?

Everyone has an agenda. Everyone wants and needs something. The history of this place runs so deep, people carry vendettas, people hold grudges, people hate people.

I suppose it's far easier to focus on the negatives.. but that is all this place is. It's rotten to its core. I've seen it.

Oh, no. I know why I never wrote in a journal. This is far too lonely. Too sad.

Just talk to someone. That's a far better method. But who?

Who...

I constantly feel as if people hide things from me. Isn't that funny, though? Ironic? A Nadiri of the Tower, upset that they feel people conceal things from them.

Who gave me the right?

Al-Basri called me stupid today. I think she's right. Far too trusting, because I want to see the good in people. I need to.

But everyone does the wrong thing. Everyone is continuing to do the wrong thing. But is my judgement much better? My own greed has caused much turmoil.

So much wrong.

Don't lose that shine.

On and on.

But I am not strong.

[Selwyn]

I believed I was losing pieces of myself every day; whether given freely, or taken away.

It is what I do. And that is what this place does.

I give and I give and I give...
and it takes and it takes and it takes and it takes and it takes and it takes.

Lost forever.

But perhaps that isn't true.

Maybe it has all gone to this other me.

Frigid indifference.

I will not let it consume me.

[Selwyn]

A small letter is cut and pasted to fit into the journal.



i just want to be loved

[Selwyn]

it is all my fault

im sorry sally
im sorry fior
im sorry dudley

im sorry everyone

i had to make a decision
i did not make it
my indecision led to this

i do not deserve these robes
i failed

i have to do better.
i need to be better.