The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 30th, IY 7788

Maybe I should've gotten Marcellus a big ol' burger for Wintermoss... with all the fixings and trimmings! Yet it's hard to tell if he goes for just any ol' burger, or he prefers something real fancy. Haven't seen Manta around, either, so I can't order one with the cloudberry sauce... Anyhow, it's probably a bad idea, because then I'd have a box with a burger and trimmings, and I'd have to find just where he's wandered off to now, and it'd probably all spoil by the time I find him!

As for myself, I'm eating kokoretsi today! I can't wait... and neither can Tonka! She needs plenty of offal to grow into a fine lady! Though she's kind of just stopped growing, now...? I was hoping that she'd grow to panther size... Then nobody would mess with her, or her fancy ladyness. Ladiness?

Otherwise, a real slow day, so, I've been just thinking about food, really... Which suits me just fine! I hope that the new year brings in some new restaurants!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 31st, IY 7788

Last day of the year... I'm going to some party, and I don't really know anyone there, it's just something that an acquaintance invited me to... I hate that word! "Acquaintance"! I have to check like, ten times, that I spelled it correctly... And "associate" just sounds plain peculiar. Words are stupid!

Don't know what I'm doing there, really, but might as well surround myself with people, instead of work... Yet in doing so, I'm also surrounding myself with booze, and probably drugs, too, knowing this shithole, so, that's not a great idea, but I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to bother anyone that I actually know, because they probably already have plans and they assume that I have plans too so it'll be really awkward and then they'll talk about it behind my back and it'll be a big ol' mess and I'll never be able to live it down because everyone'll know that I had no one to go to on new year's and they'll laugh so much and be like such total bitches and then I'll have another panic attack and probably yell fuck at the Majordomo or something and they'll fire me and

BREATHE!

Thanks... I guess I should just head to that dumb party and stop thinking about it too much.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 1st, IY 7789

That party wasn't so bad... Turns out that you can just walk away from insistent bitches, and that'll confuse them so much that they won't know how to react! I've done that before, just with other... types... of folk... Whatever. If it works, it works! Thankfully, they had meze alongside the booze, so, I just stayed near the assortments... I kind of just kept taking tiny slices of bread with muhammara. Mine's better! I wish I knew how to make bread, though.

Anyhow, I met this fashionista there... His name was Paisley Payam! Well, that's what they call him, anyhow... It's because he only does paisley, and nothing else. Like, absolutely nothing else. So, yeah, guy was garbed from head to toe... in paisley. Kind of weird, really, but once you find your thing, you should probably keep doing it, if you're good at it? Because they were admittedly very fine paisleys. Kind of inspiring, but not my thing. I'll probably try ordering a carpet from his collection or something. I'm pretty sure he does carpets, too.

I'm not sure if this was my first new year's sober? I can't remember. I probably was sloshed last year... Last new year's? However you say that. It's weird, remembering everything that happened. Like, this one gal, she obviously wasn't used to heels, so, she kept slipping all the time, and I was so distracted by it... Should ask a cavalryman for tutoring in the art of heelery! Or me. I was going to give her some pointers, but she was really, really, really drunk. Which, come to think of it, didn't help her balance at all!

High heels used to be the manliest footwear of all, and now even the ladies wear them... I approve of such shattering of gender norms! It is most avant-garde!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 2nd, IY 7789

Selwyn told me that they love me! But, thankfully, it was just a "love you"... When it's missing a pronoun, it's more casual, so, it's not that serious! I don't make the rules, I just know them by heart... Anyhow, they're also waxing poetical, speaking like a ye olde knighte, now... I know that they're mourning, and I want to do my best to help, but I don't think I've ever started talking like a purple poet when I'm sad...? It's mighty peculiar.

Would tell him that in return, but there's a tiny chance that they take it the wrong way and then I'm in a big ol' mess... So... Just say that they're a dear friend, instead!

Mani asked me a bunch of questions about the Assembly... It's hard to prepare new Scribes for it, because if I tell them that it's all a show, and the worst kind of circus, then I'll get in trouble, and they, too, if they don't realize that's something that you shouldn't say out loud. And yeah, it's tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it! There'll be a bunch of stupid shit, no doubt! I'd rather stay home and sleep! But that's not my job... Did know this one guy who had that job. I mean, sleeping. It's just that it was all for an evil wizard who was secretly eating his dreams! So, even when you're being paid for it, it's still not what you'd actually want.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 3rd, IY 7789

What a stupid Assembly! Rhuk Nor was being a fussy bitch about togas, so, according to him, Reclutas have to wear togas at the Assembly now. He told me that I'm wrong about Toga Law! He's now on my shit list! Which isn't an actual list, it's just people that I don't pay any attention at all to, until they personally apologize to me. It's a really long incorporeal list. Most people on it are dead!

There was something about ten thousand to the Temple, too, so that Manta can get a statue, which I don't get, because the Temple doesn't make statues, the Stonefolk make those, and there's no Stonefolk in the temple, so, I don't get it at all, and in the end, the money wasn't even paid because Achy disagreed. What a mess!

Now, because of the first mess, I'm in charge of Toga Law. It's awful, because there's a strict budget, so, I can't just decree that the toga has to be pastel pink, now, because it has to be an undyed sack of shit, because that's the cheapest option. Necessity, and all that, I know, but I wish sometimes necessity drove people towards more sensible decisions regarding fashion. Don't know what change I can achieve, if any at all. I do wish folk would stop throwing their togas away, and then asking me for a new one, though... Yeah, it's ugly as fuck, but, you threw it away, so, it's your responsibility? I'm not going to dive through your trash for you, it's your disgusting trash, so, do it yourself!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 4th, IY 7789

Apparently, Selwyn had been living with some elves for a while, and it probably was that elf house that the Golden Retriever seized for the state...? Why's Selwyn living with elves? I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, and I'd love to live with some handsome elves myself, too, but it's not really Selwyn's style... Kind of just picture them living with other halflings, all of whom don't speak at all and communicate through mere grunts, yet Selwyn somehow still knows all their names and their life stories, and the house reeks of cheap cologne, and nobody cleans, because there's an oppressive masculine energy, and whenever the courier comes around, they're really surprised to see Selwyn there, because they really don't fit in, but then they think about it for a while and they go "oooh" and kind of get why, and all the neighbors are kind of mixed on the whole affair, because you kind of expect such a peculiar bunch to do something real messed up but they never do...

Such living arrangements are surprisingly common, and they're usually a really good place to score some drugs! Just don't ask the "Selwyn" of the house for those, they don't have a clue that's all going on...

If you visit an elf house, they'll probably instead offer the elf-bread that's way too sweet, and you have to be real genial and have some, and then pretend that it's real tasty, even though it's kind of like having a shoddy cinnamon roll that barely resembles the recipe's intent. Elf-bread stinks! It's also proof that elf metabolism is one of a kind, because there's no way that anyone else could have such sugary slop all of the time, without transforming into a true fatso!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 5th, IY 7789

Did some window shopping, and I found a most horrid umbrella! Someone had slaughtered an entire grouse to make it... Well, okay, it was big enough to require the slaughter of a few innocent grouses! It's horrible! I do not approve of such... My avian crafts use only ethically sourced feathers, gathered from the ground after molting! I guess if it's a really old grouse, who's ready to die, and has said goodbye to its friends and family, then it's mostly fine to make an umbrella out of it, as long as you use the whole bird for other crafts and cookery, because it's such an awful waste otherwise...

Grouses are silly birds! They do not realize their own heftiness, so, they sit on tiny little pines, nearly crushing the poor ol' tree, while flapping their wings and making a bunch of peculiar sounds! It's such a funny sight! Yet the frosty kobolds and ogres of Frostport's wastes never allow you much peace to bear witness to that... I hate it!

Anyhow... I have half a mind to make a parasol of my own, adorned with the most beautiful of feathers! Yet the feathery motif that I already have is plenty enough, so, maybe that'd be overdoing it... Have to have some subtlety. Also, why's it "half a mind", anyhow...? I don't say that out aloud very often, because there's so many bitches and jerks that interrupt you while you're saying that, and they go like, "oh, we know, Bashir" and it's like, so insulting, even if you intend it as half a joke, it's still, half a joke... I hate that, too!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 6th, IY 7789

I thought Selwyn got a part-time job as a waitress... They kept fetching wine for this real weird guy? Turns out that the guy is just so intimidatingly peculiar that Selwyn was just bullied into doing that? Also, his name is Pony Bon'Bon? Like, that's his actual name. Pony Bon'Bon. And he gave me some money for no reason at all? And he was slapping people? Again, for no reason at all? What a weirdo!

Anyhow, turns out that Selwyn does have a job of some sort, because they could afford to buy a house? That's nice. I just don't know at all what they do for a living. They sure don't pay Nadiri for sweeping, so... I just hope that it isn't drugs. There's a bunch of logistics involved, and Selwyn doesn't seem particularly good at that. Oh, and there's a lot of danger involved, too, of course! Then again, they did manage to afford a house of their own, so, if it is drugs, maybe they're actually good at that. Maybe Usaamah gave them a few pointers?

I do hope that this Pony leaves Selwyn alone, though... If he tries slapping Selwyn, I'm sending the Banda after him!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 7th, IY 7789

Who the fuck is "Samazol"? That's what's written on Selwyn's house board! Never heard of the guy! Sounds like a wise ol' hermit of some sort... or medicine to aid with real nasty indigestion... made from some herb that tastes like absolute shit. Anyhow, I'm not sure if I approve of Selwyn living with people that I've never heard of, and I certainly don't approve of them changing their name to something like that, if they did, and I sure hope that they didn't! And if it's their drug dealer name, well, that's even worse! Your drug dealer name should be something like, well, it should be some kind of predator, because then folk know not to fuck with you.

Of course, buying drugs from some guy named Grizzly is confusing, because you're not sure if that's supposed to be intimidating, or if they're just really hairy, or if it's a case of both. Thankfully, due to sobriety, I no longer have to ponder about such things! Too much, anyhow.

So many folk in the Well are completely incapable of reading... and it isn't because of illiteracy, strangely enough... that I've thought of hiding little secret messages on my house board! But then I'd probably get asked about it a lot from the folk whom do read, but don't understand my brand of humor! Maybe I can hide jokes in bottles, instead, and leave them around the dunes...? I don't have a whole lot of bottles though. I have a lot of cosmetics jars, though! Those don't work so well for that...

Yes, I'm bored!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 8th, IY 7789

New perfume idea: amber, bergamot, dates, myrrh, nutmeg, tonka beans, tuberose, vanilla! Sounds pretty sweet to me... But whenever I present my ideas to perfumers, they kind of just scoff at them. I guess I'm no different when it comes to my own work... Folk have plenty of suggestions for fashion. Difference is... My ideas are actually good! But yeah, you'd think the perfumers would at least take my money and make my custom order without too much complaining! Wait... Yeah, I don't do that with clothes, either. Makes sense. I just wish someone would make my dreams a reality! Without complaining...

Tuberose is kind of a terrible name for such a pretty flower. Nobody likes "tubes"! It's an ugly word, and a gross concept... I can't think of a single aesthetically pleasing tube! I hate tubes!

Anyhow, there's a lot of new Junior Scribes now... All of them seem quite promising? If a tad odd. But I'll take odd and diligent, rather than... just plain odd. I haven't met all of them, though. My schedule's so busy. Even the perfume's for work, really. I can't enter the Pyramid without a proper scent... and then I need a different one for the foreign dignitaries... then yet another for the Scald... because the heat makes aromas different, though I don't really want to go there in the first place. I mean, I don't have to, so. Money saved on that perfume? Maybe?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 9th, IY 7789

Lucian's lead in Efuddy is simply unbeatable... He's just that good! And the words that I keep getting aren't helping any, either. It's like, words that have like, I don't know, a dozen word cousins, where the only difference is one letter? Those stink... and then there's the words that repeat a ton of letters... I just keep getting stuff like that, and nothing else! So, I'm lucky if I manage to get even just one point. I can't beat Lucian if I get just one point per day! I'd need like, ten points, each and every day, to take the lead back, now.

But hey, I guess he deserves it... He's really shrewd, and good with words. And it's not like there's any prize involved. I think I'd get real mad if there was like, an entire year's supply of perfume involved! Yeah... Then I'd get real serious about it! I'd carry like, twelve dictionaries with me. Well, then again, I don't need to, because I have Inky for that.

Anyhow... They were thinking of changing "Vizier" to "Minister"? I mean, you can't say that you're like, the "Vizier of Agriculture", so... But that's not what a Vizier's supposed to do, anyhow. I'm glad I'm out of that gig... Even if I explained what I do a gadjillion badjillion times, people would still be confused. I guess that's bound to happen with Ministers, too? It'd have to be like, "Minister of Board Jobs" for some of these people to get it. I kind of don't bother repeating stuff at all these days, because it's pointless...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 10th, IY 7789

The Legatine statues take a long time to make, because they insist on getting every single detail right. If a Legate has a big ol' schnoz, then every single blemish, wart and wrinkle has to be right where it really is! Gross! While I prefer the realistic approach to art, in this, I'd prefer a different method...

It's just that all that interpretation makes my head spin!

Anyhow, I finally managed to catch Junior Scribe Luppo... Curious name for an elf. Sounds like a magickal bunny's name, really. He does have the hat, already, so, maybe one day he'll reveal that it's where he came from. I kid! It is a rather ostentatious hat, though... But I'm not going to protest, we need all the Scribes that we can get. Seems like an okay sort, though. Just a big ol' hat. Elves would have an unfair advantage to Scribing, with the age and all, if it were not for their tendency to fall into reverie all the damn time when they get older. Every single elven geezer does that, around here!

Oh, and I want a magickal rabbit for a pet, now. Are they expensive?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 11th, IY 7789

Not going to think about it. There's better things to ponder about in excruciating detail.

Not a matter of apathy, nor callousness. Just not a whole lot that I can do. Send the usual care packages to the relatives if it happens to my colleagues... I don't have any illusions about that fixing everything. It's just that it at least gives them a meagre chance of being able to move on... Not that I like the sound of "moving on". Always sounded like you're abandoning something. But staying still and chaining yourself to what happened... Not really anything positive in that, either.

The foolhardy will have what they want, I suppose. Never understood that. I'm a bundle of curiosity, but there are still things best left alone. What good is a truth that merely hurts, and from which the only lesson gleanable is the fact that you shouldn't have engaged with it in the first place? Pointless... Worse than pointless, really.

I keep moving on because it's the only thing that I can do. Had enough grief from visiting Alejandro's grave, for the longest time, until it turned into grateful reminiscence. Not going to happen with the war.

It'll just become one of the many things that I prefer not to think about, because there is absolutely nothing good in it.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 12th, IY 7789

This dumb legal shuffle has me wishing that folk weren't such dinguses, and were capable of respecting each other's boundaries, without the need for a bunch of boring ol' screeds that nobody but utter bores read earnestly! Trying to see what changed had my head spinning... I can't even drink to distract myself from my big ol' migraine with a tinier one... It's mighty awful!

Oh, and Torpi Glorpi glowed red, and split into a baker's dozen, grew (shrunk?) tiny, grew huge, and a bunch of other peculiar stuff. Unfortunately, none of it was permanent, because all of those things could've solved an abundance of labor-related issues! For example, nobody but the insane would file complaints if the Scribe in charge of receiving them glowed with an eerie glare, and everyone knows that the complaints of the insane are not worth listening to! If he was as tiny as a mouse, then we could have him assigned on the chore mice negotiations... None of us can fit into their union hall.

I just hope that all of that peculiarity doesn't lead into another mess, like it did with Jaecop... I don't want to lose another Scribe to the basement!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 13th, IY 7789

How are aspects born? They're obviously a form of myth magick, formed from the archetypal archetypical archetypal personae and motifs present in every tale, but what's the exact reason for a new aspect coming into being? Is it a matter of belief, as in as long as enough folk believe in something, then that thing becomes mythically magickal? Or is it gossip? Like, if I spread a rumor, can that become true to such an extent that even I myself don't realize that I made it up in the first place?

I'm just wondering because I keep dreaming about the "Raccoon"... And I'm pretty sure that they're prophetic dreams! It's just that raccoons aren't that archetypal in tales... Then again, neither are sand trolls, but they're still unique enough to play a specific role. All the connotations surrounding raccoons are kind of fulfilled by foxes, also? Why's there no the "Fox"? I mean, why's there no fox aspect? I think that'd be pretty neat... I think raccoons are cuter, though.

Oh, and I don't know what the Raccoon does. Every single time I manage to bless someone's belongings with that in my dreams, I try to explain what it does, and then the dream ends. Every single time! I hate it! I wish that dreams weren't such cryptic bullshit... And I wish that I had more dreams involving actual raccoons instead of conceptual ones!

I also wish I knew its effects, because I have foreseen the coming of the Raccoon, and when it happens, it shall be a fortuitous day!

Oh, and someone wanted the Apprentice, and I gave it to them. That was nice!