The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 15th, IY 7788

Druids sure have it hard! They either have to find a wealthy benefactor, who'll allow them to live in their garden... which, by the way, I never understood? Why the fuck would you want some stinky bum with a lice-infested beard on your property? How's that ornamental? Ruins the vibes, really... Maybe it's one of those avant-garde "beauty from trash" sort of deals. I do not approve!

Anyhow, they have to do either that, or sell their herbal tea on a door-to-door basis. It's a tough business, with plenty of competition... And they're often mistaken for being a part of the crone racket. You know, "give me money or I'll curse you"? So, some folk might just toss money at them the immediate moment the door opens... While others will throw something far more unpleasant! And well, since druids are all about some mystic code or something, getting paid for the wrong thing just rubs them the wrong way!

So, when a Nadiri tells druids to contact Stern, who's real busy, for access to the tea laboratory, it's yet another complication, because it basically means that they're not getting in there at all! Also, Stern didn't understand my brilliant metaphor for her busyness, which is different from business, and she got mad at me. She should be mad at herself for not getting it!

Anyhow... I dated a guy once who insisted on calling it tisane! What a pretentious pansy!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 16th, IY 7788

Haknar's trying to get his boyfriend, Cork, to join the Fourth... Something like that, anyhow. It might be one of those "bromances", I suppose. I hate those! It's like, so misleading. Azimi and Margarine hate them too, but I'm not sure of their exact reasoning...? Maybe there's no word for that when it's between the ladies, and that angers them? I'd consider such an improvement, myself... Romance should be romance! Fuck the faux shit!

I'm not sure why he's trying to make that happen, exactly. Sure, the officers get paid real nice, but whether it's your beau or your "bro", you're just going to drown in worry!

Anyhow... Something truly miraculous happened! Magnifica lost some weight! Lately, Tonka and her have been chasing each other around the house... For Tonka, it's just a game. For Magnifica, it's a sport of the highest importance, as significant as the Ephian Games! Well... Maybe the Baz'eeli equivalent. Only the Well cares about the Ephian Games. But yeah, it really is quite incredible! Chickens can move at astounding speeds when they need to, and well, such a chunky chickadee achieving that is even more impressive!

I wonder if there's chicken races...? I need like, a tenth job. Eleventh? Anyhow, I need a Lot of Money, so that I can finally get out of here! Maybe chicken racing is the ticket...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 17th, IY 7788

Some bloke from Harrowden wanted casual apparel... "Casual and purple", those were the only specifics. So, I made him a real nice outfit with a fancy-yet-casual tunic, real baggy sirwal, and nice, big ol' boots! But he didn't really like that... "Can we do this, can we do that, can you completely change what you did," he kept yammering on... So, in the end, it was just the tunic and thigh-high boots. Well, heels. There's absolutely nothing casual about thigh-high heels! Wear them to a soiree, sure, but for a simple stroll on the streets...? Your feet will hate you!

I only do orders like that because they pay me well... So annoying. Frustrating! Can't unleash my creative avalanche... Feels like I'm getting snowballs thrown at me, really. At least it's not sandballs... Those are far more irritating!

Anyhow, speaking of soirees, I've been getting invited to a lot of them, lately. Because of Wintermoss, of course. It'd be all fine and dandy, if it weren't for the fact that pretty much everyone else drinks, and I can't, or my liver will explode! Even if I tell them so, they keep on insisting that I have just a glass, and even that's too much! So, I've had to figure out a few tricks to skip all of that. Problem is that I'm running out of them, now... At the office, I kept pouring it all down a planter... Well, that killed the plant! I felt so guilty! So, I got a flask for that, instead... But people saw me pouring wine into it, which, obviously, made them think that I'm a desperate drunk! So embarrassing!

It's not all bad, though... Thanks to sobriety, I can actually remember what happened! So, in turn, I can hit back hard on these inconsiderate bitches, and remind everyone of all the utterly humiliating things that they did while they were absolutely stonkered!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 18th, IY 7788

Nothing happened today, like, absolutely nothing. Also, I have like, a most delightful soiree to get to, so... I'm not writing anything today!

Well... I guess I wrote something. Anyhow, off I go!

MOST VENERATED FATTEST OF FATHERS,

AS I HAVE DONE MINE UTMOST TO ENGAGE IN THE ELEEMOSYNARY ACTIVITIES IN THIS PARTICULAR SPATIO-TEMPARAL INSTANCE, I AM TO BE CONSIDERED MOST LAUDABLE AND WORTHIEST IN THE RECEIVAL OF THE GIFTED GOODS, WHICH STAND IN OPPOSITION TO THE BEQUEATHED BADS. MANY PROMULGATE TIDINGS REGARDING YOUR CAPACITY TO KNOW OF ONE'S MORAL STANDING, YET MINE RECORDS HAVE NOT REGISTERED ANY NOTIONS REGARDING PROBABLE TELEPATHIC CAPABILITIES. THEREFORE, MINE LIST STANDS BEFORE THINE SENSORY ORGANS, TO INFORM YOU OF WHAT MINE RIGHTEOUS SELF, ALONGSIDE MERITORIOUS OTHERS, DESERVE UPON THIS INTERVAL BAPTIZED AS "WINTERMOSS".

FOR MINESELF, I DESERVE AN INK ERASER ERASER. ALL THAT IS RECORDED IS TO BE RECORDED, FOR EVEN FAULTS AND FOIBLES REVEAL MUCH REGARDING THE ELEATIC RELATIONS. INK ERASERS ARE AN ABOMINATION, TO BE DESPISED AND REVILED BY ALL WHOM UNDERSTAND THE SUPREMITY OF KNOWLEDGE!

FOR BASHIR OF KHATARA, HE IS DESERVING OF THE MOST UNANTICIPATED OF PERFUMES. HE IS MOST FOND OF THE PASSION THAT THEY CALL "LOVE". IT IS MOST UNEXPECTED OF A PERFUME TO BE MALODOROUS WITH THE EMOTIONAL STATES. AS SUCH, GRANT HIM THE PERFUME OF LOVE.

FOR TONKA OF KHATARA, BOTHERATION OF PARTICULARLY PARTICULAR PERIODS OF PARTICULARITY, GRANT HER THE ENTERTAINMENT ARTICLE ADORNED BY THE BELLS AND THE PLUMAGE, FOR SHE VERY MUCH ADORES SUCH. BLESSED BE THE BELLS WITH THE GUARDIAN'S GAZE, THE WANDERER'S WATCHFUL, FOR SHE FOLLOWS IN HIS FOOTSTEPS.

FOR MAGNIFICA OF SAIBA, A PROGRAM OF HEALTHFUL CONSUMPTION, FOR HER PHYSICAL FORM IS MOST PORTLY, AND IT WOULD BE A GREAT UPSET IF SHE WERE TO FALL TO THE FOUL MALADIES BROUGHT UPON BY ITS WEIGHTFUL GRAVITY.

FOR SELWYN OF NAJM, BRING FORTH A FRIENDLY STRANGER ATOP A BLACK STALLION, OF GREAT MASCULINE GRACE AND OF PULCHRITUDINOUS PROFILE, WHOM SHALL TREAT THEM TO A SPATIO-TEMPORAL INSTANCE OF IMMENSE INTRIGUE AND GREAT PASSION, FOR DESPITE ALL THEIR FRIENDS, THEY PERCEIVE THEMSELVES TO BE FORLORN.

FOR MADDICUS OF ABALOM, HIS SANITY, FOR HE IS BEREFT OF IT.

FOR NARWEN OF SPRING'S GIFT, A BRUSH OF GOLDEN BRISTLES, TO PRESERVE THE FRACTURED IN CANVAS WITH ASTONISHING ADROITNESS, FOR THE RECORD IS ALWAYS OF BOTH THE REAL AND THE UNREAL.

FOR RICHO OF AYLOMEN, SANDALS THAT WEAR YET NEVER TEAR BEFORE THEIR TIME, FOR THE JOURNEY MUST BE RECORDED FOR ITS ENTIRETY.

FOR ANY AND ALL MERITORIOUS OTHERS, A SPATIO-TEMPORAL INTERVAL OF GOOD FORTUNE, OF THE PHENOMENON THAT PERSONAGES REFER TO AS "GOOD CHEER".

ALL THESE REQUESTS ARE DESERVED AND MERITED, FOR I HAVE BEEN A "GOOD" SENTIENT PUDDLE OF INK. BASHIR OF KHATARA STATED SUCH, AND HE IS KNOWLEDGEABLE OF THE "GOOD"!

SINCERELY,

I. IMPETUOUS

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 19th, IY 7788

We've got a new Junior Scribe! I think her name is Mani... Something like that, anyhow. She's Ashfolk, so, I thought she was more established than that, just from one of the offices that I don't really see much. Like the Office of Fishery... or is it Fisheries? Whichever. Some activity there when it was sand shark breeding season, because supposedly, sharks are fish? I thought they were a different, third thing. Or fourth. Whatever. All I truly know is that working for that department is one cozy gig, for the most part. Lucky bastards! Though I guess dealing with the sharks is dangerous enough...

Anyhow, this Mani, she seems promising. Even asked a bunch of relevant questions. Get so many Junior Scribes that don't ask anything at all, then they get mad at me when they get everything wrong. It's a fucking job! You don't just jump into it and do whatever you fucking want! We're not running a hobby shop! So frustrating! But yeah, this Mani, seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders.

It's just that, well... A lot of the Ashfolk that come here are a bit... daft? It's about fifty-fifty, really. And then, with the sane ones, it's another fifty-fifty split, between people that are actually nice, and the folk that are corrupt to their very core. I guess it makes sense... If you've got everything figured out, not much of a reason to make the jaunt here all the way from the safety of Baz'eel.

What else...? Oh, it's been a bunch of partying, really... Hundreds of different offices, and all of them get a Wintermoss party. Each and every one! Even the smallest offices... Even mine! Well, I just reallocated my party funds into other stuff, because... Well, it's just me? Kind of sad to have a party of one. Like, really sad. Rather put that money into something painfully boring, instead.

Oh, and I had to teach Inky that you actually need to send a letter, if you want it to be actually read, even if it's to a vague, possibly supernatural entity like the Fat Father!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 20th, IY 7788

I want to get some presents, but it's like, so difficult! The easiest option is always money, but it's just plain weird, giving money to friends... There should be like, a card, that you can exchange for a gift of your liking! I'd call it... a "goodie ticket"! Wait, no, that's too clunky... I know! A "present pass"! Well, okay, I guess the name needs more work...

Inky's letter had a bunch of good ideas, but there's a big ol' problem with those? Most of the stuff on there's real hard to find. Like, where can I find a friendly stranger that's actually sane, and of whom Selwyn would actually approve of? Even the horse is a challenge... Easiest thing on that list is the toy for Tonka, but I'm not sure what priest would be willing to bless a cat toy...?

Oh, and I didn't read what they wanted me to have, of course! I slammed my palm against that part immediately upon seeing my name! Reading that would've been most uncouth!

I thought about making something myself, for all of them... But... Selwyn and Narwen aren't allowed to wear anything other than their boring ol' uniforms, Inky can't wear anything, Richo refuses to wear anything worth more than ten dinars... I guess I can make a tiny ribbon for Tonka? That works! But I still don't have any good ideas for the others!

And Maddicus, well... He'd just find a conspiracy in anything that I'd give him, so... Maybe just a holiday bonus? Just like, write "not a bribe or hush money" in big ol' letters, right under the sum? Wait, I think that'd just make him more suspicious! Gift-giving is so hard!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 21st, IY 7788

The new Scribes nearly sold Broomhilda! Thankfully, I got there in time, before they did... The custodians would've been so disappointed if they had! And, well... I bought it for them, so, kind of just... wasting my money, too? You'd think it'd be obvious why there's an animated broom in an office environment! Cleaning offices stinks!

I've also kind of gotten used to hearing it just sweep through the office, too... Would feel weird without it, at this point.

I've been thinking of buying other stuff, too, but it's kind of cramped, right now... A bigger office would be simply grand, but despite our current behemoth... istic... size, we don't get a whole lot of new hires. Not ones that stay, anyhow. So, scratch that, then. Still, I'd have loved that coffee machine, and so would've the others, but it caused a big ol' scandal... Then again, I didn't know that something like it would require a Titan Shard? Like, it's a coffee machine. It can't be that complicated. I could probably figure it out, myself, if I was an engineer, and if it didn't involve a bunch of numbers. Probably.

Maybe we can just get a samovar, instead? Like, a real fancy one. Okay, fancy-yet-utilitarian. That's about the price point our budget can afford...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 22nd, IY 7788

Holiday weekends are so peculiar... They're like, not weekends at all, because there's so much to do, so you don't get to really rest at all? Well, I guess I shouldn't be complaining, because much of the labor revolves around partying. Just wish that there were less numbers involved... Reducing food and beverages to the mathematicks is just awful!

I get to meet a lot of my colleagues, too... From all of the offices, including the tiny ones. They get tiny parties! Though you do kind of run into awkward situations because of that... I can't remember everyone, or what they do! And then there's like, departments like the Office of Population Census...? The guy running that disappeared into the Stacks, one day, and never came back. They obviously don't get a party, since there's nobody there, but I still have to put stamps here and there to... officialize that they're dead? Confirm it? Whatever.

It's kind of miserable... And I have to do it because of the fast-track recruitment program! Some dumbass Junior Scribe could've taken over without telling anyone else! Oh, how I hate it... If you're shy, why are you becoming a Scribe, anyhow?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 23rd, IY 7788

Amidst all this holiday cheer, I've felt a curious surge of inspiration, lately... And I've directed it towards my boots! The ones that Zain made for me... They're so worn, now. You know how it goes with your favorite gear... They become a motif, and then you need a motive to prove that you didn't murder them! Or something. That sounded much smarter in my head... Like, much smarter.

Anyhow, I was kind of worried that Zain wouldn't approve of me breathing some new life into them, because, well, they'll be brand new after this is done, but... It's Zain? He'd just say, something like... "I gave the gift for your comfort, and if they continue enabling that, I do not care." Something like that, anyhow, just with more apathy, and with like, a few words about efficiency and the psychosexual philosophies thrown in, too.

So... These shoes will keep on walking for a few more years, at least!

Oh, and I'm getting like, so many letters, now! I always do. It's just that I'm getting more. Pariah wanted to include a contest with the... seasonal side story... of Hardacre. So, now everyone's telling me who the Fat Father is. But they can't win the contest like that? You're supposed to send them to Pariah! Oh well... At least it's entertaining to read these. People sure have peculiar logic when it comes to fantastical fatsos!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 24th, IY 7788

Working with feathers is delicate work... Though honestly, so's everything involved with this project! Layer upon layer upon layer... I'm considering everyting carefully. "Nothing to take away"? There never is anything like that, because I'm a genius, so I don't make such mistakes to begin with! Besides, it's a lot of hassle to constantly correct them, so, I save a lot of time by just getting everything right, right from the start!

Anyhow, these letters for the contest are a great deal of fun! Well... Until you get to the inside jokes, that is. Inside jokes should stay like that! I don't want to read about your fat fuck friend, who's "funny" because they can kind of make a "funny" face... Especially when you're so terrible at explaining it! All you manage to do, is to make it sound as disgusting as possible. Gross! But I'm sure that them having their cheeks full of ale is real hilarious to you... and you alone...

Still not as bad as the ones bullying someone they know through letters! Sure, being fat is completely and utterly embarrassing, but by submitting them as a contender for Fat Father in such a cruel way, you only manage to embarrass yourself and nobody else! If I was judging these, you'd get like, the opposite of a prize. Which I can't think of the word for, right now. It's not "punishment", because that's not an object... I think.

Come to think of it, why am I not judging these...? It's my book... my mini-novelette... You'd think I'd know best!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 25th, IY 7788

What a wondrous day! Not only are the shoes finished... in a most impeccable fashion, I might add... but the Fat Father gifted me some mints! Peppermints! I think they're sugar-free, too. The mints, not the shoes. Well, okay, I guess some of the wax and other stuffs and things I used might have some sugar in them. I don't know, I'm not an alchemist, and I don't care!

They have a most fierce aroma! Like... a spear... Oh, is that where the name comes from? These are pepper, not spear, though. Even though they might as well be. Okay...?

Anyhow, yeah. I really outdid myself with the shoes. I don't think I've ever managed something quite like this, before...? Well, okay, the "Aquifer" was quite an accomplishment... But this is far more meaningful, because they came from Zain, and now I... Well, I don't know what I did, really. All I do know is that they're simply perfect, now.

Wish I could make such for others, as well, but... Well, meaning is contextual! As mighty pretty as they are, part of the beauty is only there for myself... Someone else looks at them, and they don't really get it. They're my shoes, because that's the only way they can be... Oh well. At least I can share the peppermints with others!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 26th, IY 7788

Okay, so... I guess I really did outdo myself with the shoes. It's that myth magick, again, I suppose... Why? Because I can fly with them! Okay, so, it's more of a glide, sure, but it feels like I'm flying, and well, reaching the roof of the Gold office from the Pyramid's front door...? Might as well be flying. Now, a petite guy like me, using their shoes to fly, or glide, what have you, anyhow, it's mighty peculiar to the yokels around here, so, I won't be doing it too often...

I'll still glide to reach the gambling den, though! That elevator... guy... charges way too much! How can you have any winnings if the charge is always more than them...? What a racket!

Anyhow... I guess I don't really know if it's myth magick, or if Tavuskusu himself blessed me, or if it was one of the many mythologickal birds I've met during my many adventures! Come to think of it, blessings can come from many sources, so, maybe it was all of the birds...? So, they just might be the birdiest of shoes. Just, like, in a more spiritual and symbolic fashion, it's not like I tied a taxidermied bird carcass to them, or something horrid like that. That's what some folk who dare call themselves "fashionistas" do, and I do not approve!

Anyhow, I'm pretty damn pleased, now... I have a most stylish and wondrous pair of shoes... and I have peppermints! Sugar-free despite the sweetness, too! It's fabulous!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 27th, IY 7788

Getting to the gambling den is much easier, now... And I get less scrutinizing looks during my trek there! And I do mean less... A star-blessed leap is still mighty peculiar, even though shooting ropes around town is far more so! Such...? Whichever! Folk do just kind of shrug, after they see that it's me. Which is the gears in their head grinding towards a simple explanation... I'm just so petite, that I can float like a bumblebee!

Gambling's mighty peculiar, too... It's just a bit of fun, and I don't play for large sums. It's kind of exciting, seeing which hand you're dealt... Far more so than in life, really. Anyhow, whenever I manage to get that Royal Dragon, I use all the prize money for good deeds! Like charity, or bonuses for my colleagues! It's a lot of fun...

And I know a lot of my colleagues talk shit behind my back, but I don't really care, as long as they're doing a good job...? I hate their guts, sure, yet especially during a war, you kind of have to hold onto the diligent laborers! If it was peacetime, I'd punish them severely, by assigning them to the Office of Foreign Affairs in Yaxatan!

I'm kidding, of course! No such office exists! I think...?

Is it a sin to gamble, when it comes to charity...? I guess it's kind of selfish... Could just give the wager from the get-go. Yet I need my entertainment, and if it helps others, is that so bad? I think it's a gray area.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 28th, IY 7788

I've been sharing my mints with everyone who'll have them... It's an easy way to bring a little joy and refreshness to people's lives! Refreshness...? I meant freshness. I think. Anyhow, I gave some to Selwyn, and they loved the minty goodness, though I was worried that they're a bit too bold for their sensitive soul! They also showed me the gift that they got from the Fat Father... A book strap!

They're keeping vials of invisibility betwixt the books...? Makes sense, I guess, us cute ones always get in a lot of trouble in this shithole, so, all of us have plenty of invisibility brews at the ready. Anyhow, gave me some, too, but the problem is that the Krak has a lot of rules now, one of them being that you can't be invisible even for a second, not even if it's due to your friend showing off their Wintermoss gifts!

It really is way too many rules for a pub... I only read the first two, before I got really bored. I think they're jealous of the penal code's great length, and wanted something like it for themselves...? I think. It's a weird reason for jealousy. Or is it envy? Whichever. I don't really like pubs with a lot of rules, so, I'm going to go to other venues more, now. Like the secret speakeasy in the Souk!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 29th, IY 7788

There's a writing tournament...? I thought that it was going to have a bunch of budding auteurs throwing hands down in the squared circle, but instead of hands, it'd be books! Or, they'd compete to see who can write the latest literary masterpiece the fastest! Or, or, they'd have to wrestle, yeah, jump in a bunch of mud, and then they'd put each other in headlocks, and they'd have to name a bunch of classics for that sweet release! Yeah! Instead, it's just a write in contest...

That'd be just fine and dandy, if the subject wasn't so painfully dull! It's about history, and not even the fun kind of history, like what kind of cosmetics they used in ancient times, no, it's about orcs and the Murderer, or something, I don't really get it. Anyhow, that just means that I won't be competing! I don't like writing about boring stuff!

Then again, I probably wouldn't have taken part anyhow, even if the subject was more interesting, because I'm already a succesful author, so, I should give space for others to shine! Yeah! Though the prize money is far more than the dividends that I get in a month... or two... or three. I guess that's slightly tempting, but I have other venues for money. Like dresses, and I love making those! Just, you know, when I actually get to design them...