The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 30th, IY 7788

These War Council meetings sure are stressful! Plenty of big decisions to be made... and some folk are nearly at each other's throats at this point. I sure hope that we won't need more Big Chums than we have now... I was rooting for more groknaks, but I guess most folk weren't that excited for them. Isn't just because they're cute, it's also because a heat resistant pack animal that's as strong as... well, not much around that's stronger than a groknak. They're in a class of their own! Anyhow, that kind of creature seems real useful in the Scald...

I'm really worried about the lack of a plan for the beasts below... And the additions to the artillery. I mean, we needed those, but now there's even a bigger risk that someone's going to get blown to smithereens after they run right into a flare! I'm not sure if I can handle being a spotter, now! My heart! My heart! It's going to jump right out my throat and run away!

Oh, and before the meeting, there was a most curious bellow... Supposedly, one of the elusive Cactusfolk wanted to meet me! Makes sense for even them to know the Big Bash... which is me! Anyhow, we went down to them Needles, where they wanted to meet, and it was real eerie, with curious whispering... And there was no Cactusfolk to be found, at all! It was some fat gnome, instead. That swindler! That accursed mountebank! He tried to "absorb" Marcellus, whatever that means. Weirdos like that give the honest, hard-working gnomes, whom toil away in the mushroom farms situationed within our many basements, a bad name. It's no good!

One day, I will discover the Cactusfolk for real... But for now, I will have to just settle for reading about them in the funny papers, such as the Dingbat Digest, Outré or the Cactoid Conspiracy Quarterly. I like the latter in particular, because it has hilariously badly drawn illustrations! The Digest I try to keep away from the office, though... So many of my colleagues get really disappointed, because they think that it's about dingbats, or dingbats, or dingbats, but instead, it's for dingbats! Just the sort that can kind of laugh at themselves...

They still get mad at you if you laugh at them, though! Irony's a flimsy shelter, in the end!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 1st, IY 7788

I think something mighty peculiar happened today, but I can't remember what it was... Oh well. I'm sure that it was nothing of importance!

Selwyn's really smitten with Drin. I don't get it, like, at all. You can't even see the guy most of the time, and when you do, he's wearing this old leather jacket that reeks to high heaven of the gutters, and a pot helmet... A pot helmet! It's a pot. You shouldn't wear a pot on your head, no matter how eccentric you are. I do not approve! Anyhow... Because he's always wearing all that, you can't even know what he could possibly look like. Selwyn, on the other hand, insists that they do know. Which is bullshit... They really just fall for any halfling lad that they see.

It's kind of embarassing... But Selwyn's my friend, so... I did tell them to be a little more picky, at least.

I heard that Argent and Dante had a big ol' fight! I didn't see it though, because I was having my salad. Eating salad out in the Scald is just miserable... It gets real dry, so, I try to drizzle just a little water onto it. But that just makes it steam! I don't want to eat a hot salad... I want that freshness! That zest! I don't want steam.

Oh, and my previous Famous Column got a lot of angry letters. You'd think shampoo would be a completely uncontroversial topic, but apparently, some folk don't understand anything about hygiene... So, my latest column is a reply to all that "feedback". Actually, I think that might be a problem, since it's printed in a bunch of papers, and I'm pretty sure that the readers of some of them actually just liked it... Oh well. I'm sure nobody cares. I mean, they probably do, but I don't.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 2nd, IY 7788

Selwyn went down to the deep below, when those horrid beasts were scheming something! I got so mad at them about it... I hope they understand that it was because I was really worried. I don't want to give them any more excess guilt than they already have! They're sensitive, like that... Maybe we should talk about it over some tea?

Sally wasn't so lucky... In fact, he was really unlucky. He got stuck behind some locked gate, or something, and one of the beasts ate him. It's terrible... Not even someone with a championship belt and a lot of chutzpah can stand up to those freaks. I don't know what sort of funerals boxers get, but poor Sally should get a really fancy one!

Also, that Banafsian Honor Guard, who was like, really obsessed with Marcellus...? He went even more cuckoo than ever before, and tried to kill Achaeus! Why? Because he wanted Marcellus to become Legate! Yeah... I'm surprised that Pook Ulbo hasn't tried that, yet. As far as I know, anyhow. Maybe he's tried multiple times, it's just always been so inefficient that nobody's noticed!

Anyhow... He was thrown to the lions...? Why? He wasn't a citizen! I don't get it! I hate execution by lion... It's so brutal. Poor Selwyn was so shook! Well, so was I, but I'm more used to it... which is sad.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 3rd, IY 7788

Two new Junior Scribes, and they seem to be polar opposites of each other... The first immediately attached themselves to a "Office of Logistics", which is patently absurd. You don't get to start an office on your very first day! You just started working here! We're not giving you that much funding! Logistics, too...? Everything here involves that! Everything! It's simultaneously vague and all-encompassing... Brilliant veneer to look busy!

Still, we need the labor, so... Maybe he can have a tiny office, as long as he hones that name down to something more specific!

The other one? Some lady that seemingly got lost and decided that it'd be "fun" to be a Scribe for a while... Some folk have the strangest notions about entertainment. Seemed like she was ready to put in the work, though. We'll see if she lasts!

Anyhow... I really need to finish my design for the show... But I just can't get it right. It's such a challenge. Maybe I bit... I hate that idiom! I never eat too much! Another to add to the list... the list of horrid idioms that nobody should use! What was I writing about? Oh, yeah. The design. The colors are simply such a myriad of trouble, that I can't figure them out. Keep running into that friction between the obvious and the ambiguous, too. Will folk be disappointed if I simply go with the Mango...? I hope not, because it's looking more and more likely that I'll have to settle for it!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 4th, IY 7788

He came to me within a dream... Tavuskusu, the Celestial Peacock! I was relaxing by the woodside, when I caught glimpse of his tail feathers... They were so marvellous that I simply had to take a closer look! He ran deep into the verdure of Bel-Ishün, so, I followed! In his path, he left a trail of sparkling stardust, which glimmered with each and every color, and I could see all of them, even the ones given only to birds!

And eventually, that sparkly trail led to a cottage, which was surrounded by all sorts of curious wildlife! A rainbow of birds... Groknaks the size of mountains... Jungle cats dancing to a medley of music! Giant lizards in midst of devouring a giant cabbage! It was mighty peculiar, but I felt safe there, so, I stepped within the cottage! Inside, was a loom. It wasn't my loom, but I knew it, anyhow. Tavuskusu danced around it, inviting me to labor... So I did!

And from that strangely familiar loom, I extracted the most beautiful suit of armor! No... not from within it... From my mind! No... From the Song itself, the Song that everyone knows! It was beauty itself, yet it wasn't... A mere part and the whole itself, at the same time! Maybe that doesn't make much sense now, but it did in that moment...

What a peculiar dream! It filled me with great inspiration... How curious!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 5th, IY 7788

This week's been real quiet... I like it! It leaves me with plenty of time for my hobbies... Like wall tennis! Which is all that I can play, around here... I wonder if Baz'eel is any better for it? I don't want to go to a convent to play, though... They always want to talk about religion after, or sometimes even in the midst of it all! And it's so awkward, because I don't really have a well-formed view on any of that stuff... I just want to play ball! With...? Whatever!

Tonka keeps hiding the ball, though... I think that a game for her, too. Which is fine. She gets her entertainment, and I get some additional exercise, because I have to look through every nook and cranny!

Watching those nuns and monks play ball is real funny, though... It's the... thingy! With the contrast!

JUXTAPOSITION!

Yeah! That! You don't really associate them with the playing of sports, really, so the contrast is hilarious... You kind of just see them making manuscripts, or meditating in a damp room, or laboring in the herb garden... I wish I had a herb garden! Maybe some day... I certainly hope so! I'd grow so many herbs, and I'd share them with all my friends! I wouldn't like manuscripting much at all, though... They're pretty, but it's an awful lot of labor! So's herbery, I guess, so, maybe I just have a preference for it. Herbs have a much more pleasant aroma, so, it makes sense!

THINE MEMORIES TAINT THE FRAGRANCE OF MINE MOIETY!

Hey! What did we say about "thine"?!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 6th, IY 7788

The quiet continues! It's fantastic! I even got the old Kaynarca file done with... And nobody's touched that thing for years! It was mighty boring. But at least's it's over with, now.

Here at our household, it's everything but quiet, though! Inky's taking elecution lessons

ELECUTIO!

And they're apparently failing, because they can't even spell it correctly!

NO! ELECUTIO!

Whatever... The books did come from the Sandstone, so, it's no wonder. Anyhow, Magnifica found my pouch of peacock feathers, and she carefully studied each and every one of them... She did not approve of a single one! Then, after returning them into the pouch, she started preening herself in a most pompous fashion, as if to say... "My feathers are the finest of them all!" What a cocky... wait, that doesn't make any sense... What a conceited chicken! And she's so fat, too... I think Zain left her in my care just because I'm the only one around here who can afford to feed her!

As for Tonka, she's really into interior design, now... Which is to say that everything that she does not approve of? It's either thrown off the table, or carried elsewhere in her mouth, or she'll keep scratching it until it's relocated. While I approve of the refinement of taste, as it is a highly important part in regards to the blooming of any young lady, it's still kind of annoying, and I wish she'd be far less picky!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 7th, IY 7788

I read a book about aesthetics... Well, I tried to! I thought that it'd just be a list of beautiful stuffs and things... Maybe I'd be on it, too. Instead, it was a bunch of excessively complicated... arguments... about what beauty is! They should've just sticked a picture of me on the first page and called it a day. Into Inky's pile it goes... Like all books that I don't like.

TO ENGAGE MERELY IN THE MIMESIS IS INSIPID. TRUE ART STEMS FROM THE MOST ARDUOUS OF AMBITIONS! TO MELORIATE, TO SURPASS NATURE ITSELF! THIS IS ART!

Oh no! I'm not sure if this was a good idea! Read this shopping list, instead!

AH! THE PAINTS OF OIL! YOU SHALL COMMIT THE STRUGGLE TO CANVAS! RECORD THE HARDSHIPS OF YOUR FELLOWS, AND THROUGH IT, ACTUALIZE AN AUGMENTED SERIES OF THE IMMINENT SPATIO-TEMPORAL INSTANCES!

Good heavens! Well... At least your heart is in the right place. The heart that you probably don't actually have... And no, I wasn't going to paint that. I was going to paint Tonka, again... The subtle shifts of sable make for great practise!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 8th, IY 7788

Why's it so difficult to find models around here? You'd think that people would simply adore getting paid to just stand around, and look real pretty and representable... I certainly would. I mean, I used to. The pay was just absolute shite! None of those artists had any money... Yet I'm a different kind of artist! I do have money! Struggle, my hiney... If it's necessary, how come I'm coming up with all this genius?!

Then again, I look around, and well... Maybe it is. In fact, there's so much shit, that now I'm questioning whether it's me or said shit, empowering all of this brilliance! I don't want to think about this anymore.

Anyhow, I managed to win, again. But due to my lackluster presentation, I didn't score that well... How disappointing! Sure, it's just a number, and I hate those, but still... I wish I could manage that perfect fourty, at least once. What an achievement that would be... Maybe I could finally get out of this dump with that under my belt!

It was nice, seeing everyone's labor, though. I was really surprised! Nigel's latest was not for fatties! In fact, it was quite accommodating to one's contours... I thought that he just designs really fancy sacks. Cogsworth, too, managed something quite astonishing... He submitted a big ol' hunk of metal... like, a pile of metal, not a strapping lad made out of it... anyhow, he submitted it, and it was accepted! I did like the complicated chromatic profile! How're they going to manage making copies of it, though...? Seems like a big ol' challenge.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 9th, IY 7788

Angelica's jewelry is simply marvellous! Yet I'd have to sell sixty dresses to afford any of it... Well, those earrings, anyhow. It'd be a real challenge... With so many, in such a short time, you'd eventually run out of ideas! Maybe I can make the prettiest dress of them all! Surely that would be worth as much as sixty! But who'd pay for it...? The Princesses...? That'd be so stressful.

Then again, if I could get that much money, I probably wouldn't buy earrings with it... Maybe it'd be enough money to get out of here? Maybe. Baz'eel's real expensive.

Anyhow, Cogsworth's prismatic plate is so expensive, too, that if he managed to sell just six of it, then... He still wouldn't be able to afford the earrings, because he's just getting a cut! Oh well... It's still a new record. Ten thousand dinars! For plate! It's crazy! I wonder if he'll have many sales...? A lot of these caravaneers are constantly complaining that there's no armor for sale... Completely missing the point of a boutique! If they don't buy this, then they're just complaining!

Oh yeah! I bought the blue scarf... It's real thick, and wondrously soft! Yet it's far too thick for the Well... It'll be my Frostport scarf!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 10th, IY 7788

Apparently the Durians, or whatever they're called, we're part of a big ol' trial, and now they're conscripted into the Banda? I don't really get that, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever! I mean, it's a punishment, sure, but seems real awkward to everyone involved... Well, awkward in the sense that someone might get stabbed at any moment! I guess that's not awkward... It's really fucking tense!

Why are they called that, anyhow? Stinky...

DUUNTHALL!

Wait, that's what they're called...? That makes even less sense! What's a "duunt"? Is it a dwarven command? Like, "duun't hall me, lad"? What does that mean? Complete gibberish!

Anyhow, I'm real busy... Busy with labor! I wish I'd get a vacation... Just a regular one, with absolutely no bullshit! Like, Il Modo would be lovely, but I'd probably catch the red plague or whatever it is, with my luck... Then I'd have to completely switch up my wardrobe. Horrible! And yeah, I'd also have the plague, there's that, too. They should send me off to Baz'eel for a week or two! I deserve it! I want a room with a balcony... and the balcony has to be next to one of the gardens! Yeah! Give me that, right now!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 11th, IY 7788

Rhuk Nor killed a thousand orcs! Well, he's probably killed far more than that... Far more... It's horrifying! It's Scald orcs... Scaldorcs...? Whatever. I don't really approve of the tallying of such things, it's simply macabre. Which is a peculiar word. I'm not sure of its... origin. There's another fancy word for that, but I can't remember, and Inky's on vacation. By which I mean to say that they found my latest assortment of fan letters from Frostport, and refuse to leave from the pile. It's quite peculiar! Peculiar's a peculiar word, too...

I'm kind of a big deal all over, now, but it's still Frostport that sends the most letters. It's... loyalty? They really want the third Hardacre. Which kind of exists, now? Kind of. Very vaguely. Vague's a peculiar word...

I'm so bored! I just have work, work, work... And whenever I stroll into town, everybody's just working the board. Well, not everybody. There might be a few sleepy fellers around, asleep on their feet... Doesn't really change things at all, because you can't talk to a sleepy feller! Well, you can, it's just that they won't hear anything, and if they do, then they'll get real mad, because you woke them up. Which is their fault, really, because why are you sleeping standing up...?

You know what's a really peculiar word? Billabong! Kind of fun to say, yet I've got no clue of what it means! I think it's related to water, somehow? Billabong... Billabong... Fun to write, too! Billabong!

Oh, I hate this! I'm just going to ask Inky what it means!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 12th, IY 7788

I wanted some eucalyptus incense for the house... But Tonka's allergic! All cats are! I guess you have to make a lot of big sacrifices when you truly love someone... Like not buying eucalyptus because it makes them get so sick that they start drooling, and other grossery! Oh well. I just bought some new perfume, instead! This one has a cherimoya focus... I love it!

I wonder what the Fat Father will give me for this Wintermoss? Last time, I got Tonka! And these most stylish gloves, fit for the handling of any... kitty. Now, that was a most precious gift, so, I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe I won't get anything at all? That'd be horridly dull... Yet I still have more than most! Around here, anyhow. In Baz'eel, I'd probably be considered a pauper. Why's it "pauper", anyhow? Paper? Paper's poor? I don't get it.

Maybe some more perfume? I wouldn't mind. I have so much, but it's because I simply adore all of it! I heard of a fruit... "Jabuticaba"! I've no idea how it tastes, or what it smells like, so, a perfume carrying its scent would be most surprising. That sounds pretty sweet, actually!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 13th, IY 7788

Selwyn explored the peculiar halls... Is it halls? It's a weird place. I don't know what to call its... innards. I'm certainly not calling them that! Anyhow, they explored Vajay Mojo, and brought back a big ol' stick. It's real cold, and infused with the icy magicks. I guess you could use it to cool your drink? It's what I'd do, anyhow. But I already have my eternal ice cube, so, I've no need for a cold stick.

I feel real sorry for the penguins that live there... I'd take one for a pet, but there'd always be the risk that they'd explode. That'd be absolutely terrible! Such a pet would simply be a test of one's emotions, and heart, and... Well, it'd just be a simply awful pet to keep. Aren't there any regular penguins around here? Then again, they'd hate it here, since it's so scorchingly hot. Maybe if I move to Frostport, one day, I can search for a perfectly ordinary penguin. They'd make a terrific addition to our family!

Anyhow, Selwyn wanted to give me money, because I stamped their letter...? That was kind of weird. I told them so, but they still wanted to give me money, so, they said that it was for future prismwork, instead. That makes more sense. I still don't get why they wanted to give away money so badly? They should save for a house. It's much easier to find stable boyfriends, when you have a home of your own! And I do mean stable in more ways than one. His previous cavalcade has been simply... depressing. I hope they find a prince of their own, soon! Just not, like, one of those insane princes out of fairy tales. That'd be simply dreadful!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 14th, IY 7788

Through clever engineering, we can now recycle all the random garbage that caraveneers find, far more efficiently... And most important of all, we can have pink flares! Pink flares! Well, we'll have all that soon... Innovation takes time. What a pity it is that all of this comes from war! I'd rather have it come from... a cake contest? Those can get pretty bloody too, though... A nice cake contest!

I'm glad I'm not leading logistics, though... Everyone else is so good at coming up with worst-case scanarios! I think that's an important skill for these meetings? Though a lot of these scenarios seem really unlikely. Like, so unlikely, that it kind of feels like folk are just bringing them up so that they have something to say? I guess it really is an important skill! Me, I'd rather just eat my salad in peace...

Why do so many folk want to go to the bottom of the lake, though?! That's ludicrous! It's like a... I don't know, a reverse mountain? That's how deep it is. It's just a massive pit! Where are you going to get a ladder of such length...? And I mean, you'd get real tired climbing down, anyhow. Such foolishness! If someone proposes that we take an ash sail down there, I'm leaving the room! In fact, I'd signal for the Big Heron to get me the hell out of there, at that point!