The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 15th, IY 7788

I've been so busy, this week... So much has happened! The strangest thing was probably when my shoes came to life and fixed up Marcellus' library, after a bomb went off there? However, everyone else acted as if that was nothing special? Do their shoes do that, too? I don't think so. I just think everyone has even less of an attention span than I do... Which is quite the achievement!

It's Zain's influence, no doubt... I remember when he used to fix up everything, even stuffs and things that were scrapped on purpose! Now, my beloved shoes do the same... It's mighty peculiar. What a pity that they can't mend themselves. They're real worn. I think I have to do that myself, instead... I don't want to lose them! Maybe I can spruce them up a little, too. Or a lot!

Anyhow... Inky and me have been reading Seriyah's stories... We really liked them, up until they transformed into pure gibberish! I think it's some kind of avant-garde approach. I don't like it at all! Just tell me a riveting tale, instead of attempting to revolutionize literature itself! The only word that we understood in that mess was "gay"... Which is one of my favorite words, alongside "bergamot", "florescent", and "rump"!

PULCHRITUDINOUS! INSOUCIANCE! ZENZIZENZIZENZIC!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 16th, IY 7788

Argent's a Kha'eshi, now... Apprentice to Azarmidokht, too. Guy loves gold so much... Well, I guess they both do. Anyhow, they love gold so much that Argent's hands are now pure gold. I don't think it's bodypaint. It's mighty peculiar, and not something that I want to stare at for too long. Very unnerving. His jump between borders made a lot of folk mad, understandably so. Complaint pile's been piling up... I didn't even read a tenth of them.

Ricky was missing today... I thought it was yet another of his benders, and that he was stuck in a ditch somewhere, pissing his drawers and yelling about how much it all hurts. So, I made a catty comment on the bellows about it. I wouldn't have said anything if I knew that he was in actual trouble.

You just have to understand that me and the other Scribes have been covering up the bell-end's mistakes for more than a year now... Well, the others have been doing that for far longer. He has a reputation in Baz'eel, and everything. Half the shit he's done is so wrong that even my publisher wouldn't print it if I submitted it.

Zol Nur, the fat fuck, of course, jumped to conclusions  – an action that he can only make in the mental sense because of his fat fuck form – and said that I don't have respect for the lives of others. Told me to shut the fuck up, too.

A completely and utterly insulting declaration. Debased, even, considering the many times that he has come to me, to tug at my heartstrings, because he can't bear the responsibility for something himself, probably because he's scared of the Azimi twins or Oro.

That's what folk do. They come to me, to shift the responsibility, because they don't want to face the risks themselves. They know that despite the mask, I'm weak. The kind of person to cry when they accidentally step on a weed that's peeping out of the pavement. A bleeding heart.

And when I let the mask slip enough that I can see my actual reflection... I do cry at night. Too often. Some of these lists are hellish. Names of folk that died in squalor. At least once a week I spend my eve just wondering if I could've done something for them, even if I know that I couldn't. You sign off on the decisions of others, in this business. You don't get to actually decide.

I don't care about life? I care about it more than you ever will. I've seen so many people die, grasping to some faint hope that their lives will get better. Yet you have never taken even a single step to walk along them, and you've never actually witnessed their pain for what it is. Instead, you dance along to the waltz, each step yet another act of self-deception. Your mirage of innocence, self-inflicted.

Fuck you.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 17th, IY 7788

Narwen painted a portrait... of me and Tonka! It is the grandest gift that I've ever been given, because she made it herself. It is her emotions and thoughts, committed to canvas... It both begets and depicts... Something new, and something old. I absolutely adore it. I wish I could give her something so grand in return... I'll have to think on it, a lot.

I reread yesterday's entry... I don't do that a whole lot, immediately the day after. But... It's embarassing. Really embarassing.

I don't like ranting... And I don't like besmirching someone that I genuinely like, to such an extent. But I can't stand being told to be quiet, at all! Not even when I know that I'm wrong... I just want to speak, to hear my own voice, to be heard, without it being dependent on someone letting me do so! Anyone tries different? Picture them as a devil in my head... Doesn't matter if they are. That's just how they appear. Become a worse person, myself, too. Shift. Head filled with so many passions that I get lost in them.

She only allowed me to speak... She never simply listened. Her mother did... Yet, in the end, it was for her own sake. Merely a desperate attempt of clutching at a soul long since lost.

That's in the past, though. Obviously a part of me, still, but... just a part. Nothing more.

"Begin anew". Done so. Many a time! Extent of it just differs... Been many people. Core's still been there, every single time. Can't change your core... Can change how you look at it. Whether through lying to yourself, or by simply switching perspectives. Sometimes they're the same.

"Begin anew"... Strange words from folk whom were chained to the past. Their very birthright. No, not a right... Just a burden, really. Guess the same was done to me. Guess I keep doing it to myself. Guess that's a lot of people. Maybe even most.

I keep looking back, too much... Not to the extent that I used to, but still. It's good to reflect, but... Kind of an useless mirror, in the end. Only partially tells you about the present.

These days, they call me "Big Bash". It's who I am. No... It's who I became. Much more about what you do than who you are. Not going to even entertain the tale that I made it happen all by myself. Given, and taken. Like a lot of things in life!

Paint a pretty picture... Something that makes folk smile. Bring them some joy to their lives amidst all this misery. Something meaningful! Whatever it is that they need in their life...

I don't even give a damn if that's silly, or naive, or... jejune... It's what I believe. And if that's the sliver of truth that I can hold onto in my life...?

Then it's enough.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 18th, IY 7788

Blue, brown, green... All of these come together perfectly upon their plumage! So, why can't I get it right...? Maybe I'm not inspired enough... or maybe nature's a far better artisan. I mean... I'm using pigments. Anyone who's tried extracting pigment out of those tailfeathers knows that it's actually all brown! The glorious splendor that we see is merely an illusion brought on by the subtle structure of the feather... I'm good, great even, but I don't know if I can manage that with fabric.

Could just go with turquoise... But you need to balance it, anyhow. Can't just dump the suit in a bucket full of turquoise... Oh, and it's a suit, for now. I'll probably change my mind within the next hour, and it'll become a mantua, or just plain leather tunic, or... a capote. I don't know. I like capotes. But if they make you think of any bird, it's probably grouse? Yeah... I'll scratch capote off the list. I'll work on "the Grouse" after the Astronomers fuck up and bring forth eternal winter.

Could just use the feathers on their own... Yet that'd be so expensive, and so much work, and I'd get so many complaints from wimps about the feathers making them sneeze. Worst of all, though? It'd be obvious. "Oh, you made a little peacock affair, from their feathers? That's cute, Bashir... And so obvious," they'd mewl, and then they'd snort so loudly that you'd think that their nose is completely clogged up with slice spice. And you'd think right, because that's usually the case with these snobby little critics.

I'm sure I'll figure this all out, eventually... And when I do, it'll be my most gorgeous work yet!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 19th, IY 7788

The usual stroll through town, and nary a compliment... Not even the typical "hey Bashir did you quit because you obviously wear your uniform all of the time because this makes sense somehow"... Which means that it's boring! It's not even simply that, it's soporific! Horrid! Horrible! If I can't figure it out, I'm just returning to "Mango"... And I couldn't even figure out the stripes on that. Have to have a healthy amount of challenge... Healthy! Not this utter boulderlike burden that I threw upon myself!

And now, I'm tired, real tired because I just kept tossing and turning around in bed, thinking of peacocks... A nightmare, of my own doing! Got me thinking, though... I really need something in the mornings, to pep me up. Should start playing tennis... Or, as the pseuds call it, "jeu de paume". I think it just sounds fancy, but probably means something like... "hit the ball". Had so many men try to impress me with their hobbies with fancy names, and it's always just that... There's nothing wrong with a little ball handling! Stop embellishing simplicity! There's a beauty to it for a reason!

Simplicity... I'll just dedicate a design to Tonka, at this point... Well, I was going to do that, anyhow, but later.

What else...? Oh, a bunch of people don't seem to understand the Scald's history. Which is fair, most everyone's an immigrant to this hellish place, but when it's folk that've been provided with plenty of clues towards reading material, then it's simply annoying! Seems pointless to even try... Worse than pointless. Aggravating! So many people that ask a question, you answer it, and then with their next question, they immediately ignore the things that you just said! And I do better, even though I'm someone whose chakras are all over the place and I can't fucking concentrate because of it, because I start wondering about shit like, I don't know, how do fish sleep? Do they turn upside down like bats, or sideways? Do they close their eyes? Do they snore? What do they dream of? Would they enjoy some chamomile tea?

I'm going to the library!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 20th, IY 7788

None of these natural philosophers can make up their minds... One book said that fish don't sleep at all, another said that only some of them do, and the third said that they're like elves, and engage in reverie, instead! Which, by the way, is just a different sort of sleep, in the end... I mean, they lay down to do it, occasionally. If you find it easier to do it in bed, then it's probably sleep!

About half and half, really... Elven boys insist that the other thing is different for them, too... What nonsense! They do it just the same as any other bloke!

Otherwise, I spent most of the day making a list... Volunteers. It's a lot of standing around, waiting for people to come to you. Even some water spirit came by? Either they were the most patriotic collection of fluids to flow through our streets, or even water spirits are forced to labor in this economy! The priority job is the bane of our time! That and war, I suppose...

Anyhow... Selwyn's feeling real blue, of late... And not just because of their robes. Someone's been saying nasty things about them! Whomever it is, is a real jerk... Selwyn's not really as capable of ignoring people's camelshit as I am? In fact, they can't seem to manage that much at all. A lot of folk can't. But what you really need to learn is that some folk are real starving for attention, and the only way they know how to get it, is to keep yapping and yapping and yapping, putting other people down with each mouthful...  If you don't give them any, they just wilt! And if they manage to make you angry... Well, shred them with a well-placed retort of your own!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 21st, IY 7788

Being a spotter for the artillery is so stressful! I guess I still care too much about what others think... But when someone returns to the camp, shrieking like a banshee, how am I supposed to feel? Real bad, is how I end up, anyhow. Felt like never doing it, ever again! But then most were saying that the shots were real good, and my colleagues told me that Nibb hit like, near a hundred orcs? I don't get it!

Like, I only called shots when there was nobody but orcs near the flares... And people were warned that there's a delay... So, if they were under it, it's their own fucking fault? So, maybe I shouldn't give a shit... Twelve seconds is twelve seconds.

Anyhow... A lot of people keep asking me to get dolls for Azimi. Like, a lot. I don't know why they ask me? Like, for some, the logic seems to be... "he makes clothes, so he knows how to make dolls, too"... which is complete fucking nonsense? Like, how does that make any sense whatsoever? The others don't even dare to give a reason, as if I can't figure it out. That's like, so demeaning, and so offensive.

I honestly don't feel like helping them with it, because I don't want to become known as the "doll guy"... Why can't I get assignments that are related to my actual talents?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 22nd, IY 7788

One of my colleagues died... Beasts from down below. Couldn't find out who it was, exactly... Makes me feel useless. I want to do right by them and their family, make sure everything's taken care of. Just the lack of a name makes me tense. How many of them are like that? Just invisible, in the end? Perhaps some prefer it that way... Can't imagine why, myself.

Ithelred and Ruine... Dead, too. Didn't get to know either of them that well. Especially not the latter. Wish I had talked with Ithelred, more, at least. Selfish reasons, perhaps... Wanting to understand the Spring from more than one perspective. But just not that, really... Just like having friends. For the sake of having them.

Can't help but feel a little guilty... I do always tell folk how dangerous these jobs are, but... Is that really enough? How much am I supposed to do? Go through every excruciating detail and you've no volunteers, whatsoever. Is it lying if I don't? Does it matter? People want to help... I want to help. But I'm a paper-pusher, a tailor... No matter how folk see me, I'd just be a burden if I tried something more direct. Orc stabs me with a spear and I'm dead. I know I would've died...

Yet I feel so useless. How do I help? Am I doing enough? I've got money, but even with it, people don't always tell me what they need... And I certainly don't understand how much they need in battle, especially when it comes to war. If I had done something differently, would both of them be alive? Would my colleague be alive if I had assigned them elsewhere?

Wish I could just live and not feel so fucking guilty about it.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 23rd, IY 7788

I met a gnomish gentleman, and his monkey! They'd faced a lot of prejudice during their arrival here... Well, only the gnome did. Maybe the monkey too, but he didn't bring it up. Anyhow, some folk were apparently trying to get them killed, by telling them to go down into the gutters while all that dangerous nonsense was going on? What's wrong with some folk? That's absolutely awful! People would avoid this shithole if there was anywhere else to go!

Tennis practise, on the other hand, is a lot of fun. No proper court to be found, so, I just practise at home... in the bedroom, after moving the mirror! Even Tonka enjoys it... She tries catching the ball, and everything! Well, I say "tries", but she manages to do just that, most of the time. It's simply grand! Having the bed in the way adds an additional layer of challenge... and comfort! I can just take a nap after I get too tired to continue.

What else...? Oh, yeah. People have been asking about medals... Dropped a document about them into the Divan files. And of course, Colmes, being his curmudgeonly self, immediately calls them "useless". He also called the safeguard against the beasts from down below that, so... Not sure how much weight his words carry. I mean, the Portable Snowglobes are pretty much meant for the lazy and and the forgetful... Granted, we have a lot of folk like that. Still, not much point in winning a war if your home is invaded by another enemy force in midst of it... I'm pretty sure allowing that to happen is terrible strategy.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 24th, IY 7788

Recent talk makes it obvious just how ignorant folk are about the refugee crisis... Far too many that go around thinking that there's some singular stroke of genius that'll solve it all in one swift swoop! There isn't! Pretty much nobody else's taking in newcomers, so, each and every day, more and more folk drift towards the only beacon in sight. You're not going to stall the tide so swiftly, not permanently, anyhow. District's the only more lasting measure, and nobody can get it built within a day.

Alternatives are always so vague, too! Fuzzy numbers, allocated somewhere, for something. Don't ask questions, you're spoiling our mood! A lot of the time, it's about them, in the end. Their guilt. Do enough to silence it momentarily, but don't actually get rid of the source. Then there's the profiteering, hidden under the thinnest of veneers... Why are you even bothering to pretend that it isn't obvious why you want the district there? Is there even a single soul that buys your bullshit?

Got the sums, but just the sums... You toss money like that onto the lap of younger me, and it's all going towards destroying his liver. Not saying that there's that many among the refugees that're as desperate and idiotic as that ditzy drunk, but money alone is the worst kind of help when you're surrounded by sharks. Still tossed a sack of coin into the Stockade's bowl... Why? Because I entertain the belief that there has to be at least someone who knows how to put that money into actually beneficial use... and some money's still better than nothing at all!

Sweet charity! Tangled and twisted insofar that it barely resembles itself... My simple wish for smiles seems selfless in comparison to all this nonsense!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 25th, IY 7788

I don't want a fucking raise.

I want people to get paid for the labor that they do.

Not a "minimum wage". Something that they can actually live on.

I want my colleagues in the Scald to be properly supplied.

I want to...

breathe.

The Golden Retriever, like all of his mongrel kin, cannot even faintly fathom how the pain of another could hurt you as well.

How the fuck can you go on living without caring for your fellow man? Just how? I pretended not to, and it was the most demanding role that I ever played... How? What is wrong with... they're not even people. I don't know what to call them. There's not a word foul enough. Not a single one...

Domhnall was right... Princess too.

Noose's too good for them, though.

Toss them to the bottom of Lake Rayyan.

Every single one of them.

The League of Gold deserves to die.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 26th, IY 7788

Selwyn's got double trouble? Their twin is in town? Something like that, anyhow... They're kind of like exact opposites, so, Twelwyn has black hair, and is real mean. I don't really get it. A bunch of folk around here seem to have twins... Far more commonly than usual. Must be the water. I'm glad that I don't have a twin! Having people mistake me for Dölgöön is trouble enough, and we don't even look anything alike. Okay, so there might be a vague resemblance...

Supposedly, Selwyn was also tinier than usual, and also an alligator, the day before... Being a tiny little alligator sounds rough! People might try to hunt you down in order to make tiny little boots!

Anyhow... The "Aquifer" is completely sold out! It's surprising, because the myth magick within the fabric demands deep discipline from its wearer... And, well, looking at the Well, you don't really think "discipline" at all. Personally, I think "shithole", while some others go for "hellhole", and the "hole" isn't there just because it's a well. Whatever. All this magickry and mythery has me pondering about the very nature of myth... magick... Are aspecktral energies merely condensed myths? Well, maybe... Sounds way too complicated for me to figure out!

What I can figure out easily, however, is today's dinner... Muhammara salad!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 27th, IY 7788

Four new Junior Scribes... Don't really know if any of them will stay. Average new Scribe's there for about two or three days. Doesn't really matter what I do, they just leave anyhow. Kind of makes me question putting any effort into helping them... Feels pointless. Not that these ones seem to need any. Don't really feel like a boss to them. Just a tour guide who's cut out of the tour themselves before the halfway point...

If any of them give the old "hey I'm leaving for the Sandstone for a few months I swear I will return after that totes serious" spiel, I'm just going to stare at them, then walk away. I'm so fucking tired of that shit. You want to study at the shittiest school upon the Disc, instead of working for a living? Sure. Go ahead. I don't care anymore.

At least I don't have any trouble with the old crew, now. Maddicus is still insane, but in a contained manner. I write that now, and he'll probably pull off some totally crazy shit right after. Oh well!

Fashion's paying mighty fine, and there's plenty of clients... Too many ask to watch me work, though. I'm too nice about it, so I don't dare to say no. It's incredibly awkward, having them looming over your shoulder, while you try do some real delicate needlework... Most of the time it's just an excuse for them to ask "oh can you do this instead of that", anyhow. I hate it! If they weren't paying me, I'd tell them to fuck right off!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 28th, IY 7788

Reached the lake, finally. Advancement, progress, victory... All that. Still doesn't feel great. Probably because some of these Kha'eshi are now going stark raving mad, and are scratching their own eyeballs out with their bare hands. Most troubling, and disgusting! Should get some help for them, but I sure aren't the one to figure all that out! Ancient curses, and all... Maybe?

It got so bad that Yataghan's entourage now has a bunch of Frostport mercenaries in it! Strapping young lads with blond hair... Too hairy for my tastes, though. Most of them, anyhow! What's the correct term...? Frostportian? Frostportese? Frostfolk? Language is hard.

I've been donating a Lot of Money to the Stockade... I'm probably going to regret it, but it's all I know to do, right now. I sure hope it isn't some inane scheme from the Rose, though! There's far too many sharks about... Wish people would just help for the sake of doing so. But that's a naive dream, really. At least it's only a couple dresses' worth of money, so, I can make it back rather quickly! Then use that for other good deeds... that I'll probably also regret, because they won't be so "good" in the end...

Helping's real hard.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 29th, IY 7788

Show's next week... and my design's not ready, yet! I've just been sketching it over and over and over again, but none of the ideas satisfy me. It has to be original and unpredictable, yet it also needs to scream "peacock"! What a challenge! Haven't had much progress with the shoes, either... The feathers just lay in a pouch, unused. Have to keep Tonka away from it, too! She loves the smell! I'd certainly make a toy from them for her if they weren't so damn difficult to come by...

Inky's no different... Well, they keep messing around with my papers, instead. Was all over the draft for the third Hardacre! Which is strange, because it's just a sheet that only says "Hardacre Part III" and nothing else.

THE DESPERATION OF THE AUTHOR MUST BE RECORDED!

Oh, shut up! Anyhow... Dante's an annoying prick! He keeps ordering me to fix his own fuckups... "Say this, say that"! I'm not saying shit for you, especially about labor... Not my fault that your League has such a terrible reputation that folk assume the worst! The rumors are so plausible... Like, if I say that they're just rumors, the very next moment one of the Hundred Princes will probably walk in, embrace him in a loving hug, and thank him for annexing Ephia's Well as part of Wyrmlandia.

Won't even be for money, it'll be like that hundred barrels deal that got us absolute jack shit!