The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 31st, IY 7788

In fashion, there is many a classical style to be found... The Aaisha, prim and proper! The Alejandro, for lovers of shorts, with a flair of boyish charm! The Leprechaun, mainly used as an example of what not to do! The Dölgöön, the name of which I don't approve, because that ditzy twink is not deserving of such an honor!

And, most importantly, even if just because it's particularly relevant... The Squeev! The Nameless Man wanted to spruce up his look with an absolute classic, so, I helped reproduce it! It turned out pretty damn well, if I may say so myself, and I may, because I just did. He loved it, and I love bringing smiles to people's faces! Myself, I'm not much of a coat guy... Especially such a big ol' coat. It's so big, that it doubles as a sleeping bag for someone as petite as me!

Oh, and Richo was renovating the Runner's Rest, with the addition of an altar. Folk were there to help him, but nobody could really agree on what the best spot for it was. There's some holes up in the ceiling, that give way to some shafts of light... Very evocative, and I thought dropping it right betwixt them would've been the absolute best spot! Admittedly, a tad wet, underneath, but still... It'd have looked fantastic! I kind of wish I had such radiance in my own home, but then I'd have folk falling in, all of the time.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 1st, IY 7788

The Scald is loathsome. Nothing lives there. Absolutely nothing. Felt like my veins were going to pop from the heat alone... Then there's the Tafavvogh. Made the mistake of going near them. Never again. Felt absolutely awful. Something's really wrong with them. Something's wrong with the entire place... If Vahd truly carries the blame, then he was an absolute cunt. Nothing's worth that. Nothing.

Lake Rayyan's the worst, though. Just one look, and you can tell that it used to teem with life. Now it's just a giant pit. Whatever happened there was sudden... Folk just living their lives, business as usual. Struck from the record in one fell swoop. Just caught in the middle of something that never should've happened. Don't think anyone remembers who they were. Awful.

I don't want to send anyone there, yet... It's the labor that I was given. Can't say no, can't delegate it to anyone else. I've tried picking folk without any conditions. Healthy people. Probably won't be like that afterwards... if they survive. I work with these people every day. I sit down with them, talk shop, share lunch. I help them whenever I can... I remember why they became Scribes, whether it was due to some naive patriotism, or just the money. I might've even met their sibling, or a cousin. I know these people, and I care about them.

And yet... I'm the one who sends them off, most likely to their deaths.

Why?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 2nd, IY 7788

The problem with popularity is that eventually, everyone starts crowding around you like gulls on a sandwich, and then they all want to hold an one-on-one conversation with you, and then they get real mad when you obviously can't do that because it's like a baker's dozen of people talking to you, and even a spider would have trouble focusing on so many things at once, and they have like a badjillion gadjillion eyes...

Another problem is that folk don't respect my designs! I make something truly grand for them, that captures the very essence of their being, and then they immediately proceed to dump a bucketful of black dye on themselves. Accent colors are completely unheard of to these people! It gets so bad, that occasionally, I think that I'm looking at a black hole, and I start wondering if Shum's around, but it's not a black hole, it's just an idiot without a modicum of taste!

Then there's the people who want an exact order... Everything has to be just as they say, even if it doesn't suit them in any way whatsoever! It leaves no room for actual creativity! You're hiring me as a designer... Why am I even in the room if it's you deciding on everything? And it's all inane shit, like wearing a boot on their head, or something akin to that!

If they didn't pay me, I'd just walk away... But with money, I can do good deeds, and create the stuff that I actually like! What a conundrum!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 3rd, IY 7788

Once again, I won the Fashion Show... But not by much! Just by one point! I think I need to work on my presentation... But I sort of just want the design to speak for itself? Sure, you can hire elven broom dancers to punctuate it, but... Seems kind of cheap. Then again, I just walk onto the carpet, having only prepared the attire, and nothing else, which is another extreme. First, though, I need a model on file! Someone who is simply bursting with charismae! Oh, and it has to be someone who does not subscribe to the scorch chic lifestyle, because I do not approve of idiocy that mistakes drug-induced skeletality for beauty!

The Cook-off was simply grand, too, but... There was a touch dash of deceit to it! Manta made a pumpkin loaf, without any pumpkin! That makes no sense, and is completely and utterly stupid! I don't care if someone's allergic to it, because if they are, they obviously shouldn't be eating pumpkin loaf! It's in the name! It's like, so obvious! Anyhow... I did like the halibut-ter. Not only was it tasty, due to an excess of butter, but the name's also a pun, which is a certified sign of haute cuisine!

Then, there was the Council meeting... Folk are so scared of strange, nerve-wracking obelisks, that they'd rather take a journey through hell itself! Well, it's hot as hell, anyhow... Some hells are cold, though. I think so, anyhow. I guess Frostport is someone's personal hell... For me? It's a cozy holiday, 'fore the fireplace! Yeah! Anyhow... I hope that the Council realizes just where they're sending off people, because it's simply horrible! Me having to follow that order regarding my colleagues is just awful... I wish I didn't have to.

If I could, I'd don all of my colleagues in the finest of flamewing silk... They'd call us "the Flamers"!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 4th, IY 7788

Jamileh's really stepping up her game as Vizier! She sent a letter to the Vice-Chancellor... A letter which I wrote, so, I helped! Anyhow, we were expecting things to start in about a week... But they responded almost immediately! The Tlonsiyyans were still staying at the war camp! They said that they were coming to visit us... that very eve! I nearly had a heart attack!

No Legates nor Prelates were there to take care of business, so, we had to improvise... A lot! It was very stressful... I prepared a the Squeev as a gift, even. A the...? Whatever. Manta made a cake, and Jamileh digged out the schematics for her Rimmer. Which is a bow, not a person. Cogsworth also had... schematics...? I don't know, I don't get engineering, or science. It's all mighty boring, until you get to the outcome.

We brought the Tlonsiyyans up to the Divan... And things went surprisingly well, despite a number of faux pas...? Like, Jamileh started talking about slavery, but she recovered from that rather tactfully. Worst of all, however, was that Aurelio was there for some fucking reason. I tried to get folk to get him out of there, but no such luck. He overstayed his welcome, which was sparse to begin with... Made the Tlonsiyyans very uncomfortable. Thankfully, he left, before he could reveal what utterly fucking stupid idea he was going to suggest regarding the negotiations.

The end result...? A trade deal, that'll help us so much during the Scalding! I can't wait to see the Tlonsiyyan inventions... And, maybe it's a little uncouth of me... But I really want to see the explosive art of the sappers! As long as they don't blow up people... which they will be doing later... I just mean for demonstrative purposes, they should blow up something completely worthless, like Ricky.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 5th, IY 7788

That bitter bitch, Ricky, completely and utterly envious of my crown, faked my signature, and ordered a bunch of love cakes to my desk! It's character assassination... Everyone knows that I eat just one love cake a year. Cut into twelve slices, eaten slowly over that period, too! Not the same cake. I just buy a slice once a month... It's my cake quota! Though, after this, I'm not sure if I can even have that, because people'll see me having just one slice, and they'll immediately assume that it's like, my tenth slice, for that day... It's awful!

I donated the cakes to charity... The refugees should have a little love... cake... in their lives!

Anyhow... I think one of those Tlonsiyyan sappers is visiting town? They wear a big ol' respirator, which makes their voice crackle a lot. It's mighty peculiar! I didn't see their art, though. I kind of wanted to ask if they have any fireworks, but I felt like that might've been embarassing... But it's what I'd focus on, if I was studying sappery! I'd formulate the powder in such a way, that when they were launched, they'd burst into the shape of frangipanis and magnolias!

Oh, and we went looking for more geospheres... We immediately found one! They're big ol' balls, so, I'm not sure how the laborers'll get them out of those ruins. Maybe a bunch of Stonefolk will hold hands together, creating a living rope, and they'll lift them right out of there? Or maybe they'll just tie it to a groknak's tail. I don't know, you need a lot of strength for something so big. I also don't know if they stay hot after being removed from their... pedestal thingy... So, that's another problem!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 6th, IY 7788

That bitch! Now he's sending me bags of sand... I'm betwixt and between cattiness and dignity! I have so many ideas on how to get back at him, but in the end, would it be worth it...? Well, it'd be funny, at least. Really funny! What's more important, though...? Spite or grace? Grace's less funny... And much more difficult to maintain under such stress!

I wonder if Marcellus was such an annoying nuisance in his youth...? Well, he is that now, just in a different way, like, it's hard to tell if it's purposeful, or just a symptom of his irremediable dementia! I'll have to look in our files... Search for tales of Young Marcellus! It'll either be really funny, or real boring... Maybe it's just thousands of pages of him being a humble scribe. How dull!

Oh, and Mr. Oska told me of the berengei! They're beastfolk, who live out in the jungles of Bel-Ishün... Deep, deep down, in the darkest shadows of the forest, amongst the giant lizards! Well, supposedly they live there, they might just be a legend! But if they aren't, I really want to meet them, one day! I want to meet all the peoples of the Disc! Then I could write a book about it! I'd call it... "All the Peoples of the Disc"!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 7th, IY 7788

There was a protest outside the Pyramid... The most embarassing protest that I've ever seen! I suppose that it started okay, but eventually, it was just Caddick yelling on her lonesome, while everyone else was distracted by something. Kept talking about "the people", too, but there was no "the people" there, just a bunch of fat cat caravaneers! She even tried to frame me as a bootlicker and a schemer, and I'm not known to do either of those things, so... She's a real bastard!

The most disgusting part is that none of those people actually care about Ahmet, most of them hated his guts, and now, when it's politically convenient, they act like he was their best bud. Politics are real gross!

Oh, what else...? Oh yeah... I caught Selwyn talking to a fish, acting as if it were a man! A halfling man, of great mystery! But it was just a fish... I think Selwyn's been eating funny shrooms? You should be responsible with funny shrooms, and only take as much as you can handle. Enough for it to feel like a fuzzy sweater, but not enough for you to see into the mystery realm of forbidden colors and shapes, where everything drips... Well, the realm's being depends on who's bearing witness to it.

Apparently, Selwyn just sees guys in pot helmets in there...? Which is, you know, real boring. You'd think such a colorful personality would see something far greater!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 8th, IY 7788

That Captain Immet... He's just as handsome as they say! And he simply exudes charismaeae... Wherever he goes, folk swoon! Folk with taste, anyhow. I can't believe I nearly missed him, all for the sake of some paperwork... That'd have been so embarassing. He wanted to hear some war stories, so, Rhuk Nor was telling him about the rescue of the Golden Vizier... But then he told me to continue the story, all of the sudden! I had to improvise... Thankfully, the Captain seemed rather impressed. He even gave me some walking around money!

I shared most of it with the good peoples, because they had done such a great job of keeping him entertained. Thankfully, no crazy lunatics got there first! That'd been a scandal!

I wish I could marry a man like him... Then, I could travel all over the Disc, with great ease! One day, Frostport, and the next, Alkab! And then we'd take a look over at Yaxatan, from the safety of the skies... Could install a big ol' telescope for such, too. But I'd have to keep Tonka away from it, to protect her innocence... You never know what you'll see at the other end of a telescope! She could witness a crime, and then she'd be riddled with awful guilt, because she couldn't tell us, because she can only speak kitty, and I can only understand the basics, not complex legal lingo!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 9th, IY 7788

Dante's the Legate, now! I'm not sure if the Well has ever had an animal as a Legate, before... Well, figuratively, a bunch of these freaks have been real animals, but I mean literally! Like, has there ever been like, a really smart parrot, that people elected...? Because a parrot could get so much done, due to being able to both speak and fly! Then again, they do get distracted really easily, though... I think even the smartest parrot would start rolling around on documents out of sheer joy, and then you'd never get a signature from them!

Some old geezer once told me that humans are animals, so, if that's true, then yeah, there's been a bunch of animal Legates... I don't really know about that though. Sure, humans are a tad animalistic, but if they're animals, how come they're so different from the rest? Doesn't make much sense.

Anyhow... I know that he wished to be a human, but he's still a dog at heart, to me! I best not deliver any bones with his lunch, though. You should be supportive of wishes, no matter how crazy they are. If a dog wants to be a human, then you should respect that, if it comes true. If it's just a dog acting like a human, then it's just cute, and funny, but they're not a human. But if they transform into a human....? Well, that's completely different...

Every dog has its day! I think so, anyhow.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 10th, IY 7788

The ashsail route to the Scald is now open... and I helped! Captain Immet even sent a letter to thank me... If a man like that could be tamed, I'd certainly be the one to do it! But for now, I'm simply sated by having his attention... Even if he's directing that to thousands of others, too. It's just that I happen to be the absolutely prettiest one to hold it!

Arriving at the War Camp, it quickly became painfully obvious, just how much work there is to be done. There's a ton. We really need to get started on a bunch of projects. I hope I can be of help... I'm kind of tired of messing up all the time, even if lately, folk have been really grateful... Whatever. I did help folk ward off an orcan assault, and then I even labored as a spotter for the artillery! It was simultaneously thrilling, and absolutely horrifying. Feels strange.

I still feel really guilty about my colleagues... I really wish I didn't have to send them there. But I swear that I'm going to do my absolute best to outfit them in such a way that they make it back home! Hell... If I have any pull, I'll recommend that they get a transfer to Baz'eel after their service. They deserve it... I don't even care if they hate me for the rest of their lives, they're my responsibility now, and bringing them home is all that matters!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 11th, IY 7788

Can't ever be so simple.

Scald's fucked. Isn't just the heat, it's what's in it. Or the ground... I don't really understand it. Whatever it is, it singes the very souls of the fallen to such an extent that they're reduced to shambling cadavers, filled with a fiery fury. Not their own, however. Just the Scald's. Hates anything that enters. Hates.

Then there's the threat under the Well itself... Another echo that won't stop repeating the cacophony. Makes me really despise the Colossi. I don't give a fuck what circumstances they found themselves in. Nothing's worth this. Nothing. "Many are the sorrows"? They're manifold for the simple refugee that's just trying to navigate through the turmoil that you fucking left behind. And they're forced to do that in order to simply survive. Just to breathe.

Qadiran ambassador... I don't really care. A has-been sociopath from a has-been state. Doing whatever they can in order to cling to some semblance of relevance. Only things they have in abundance are delusions of grandeur and venereal disease.

And visions...? I'm tired of visions. Tired of the vague, the nebulous. Rather have the apparent, no matter how harrowing it might be.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 12th, IY 7788

Get real excited about having two competent Scribes working the floor, yet after a few months, one grabs a katana and assigns himself to basement labor in a permanent fashion, and the other quits in order to... what? Become some sort of vigilante? I don't know.

Don't know if I'm just a terrible boss, either. I try to do right by everyone... Everyone that's actually working, anyhow. Even with the layabouts, I try to find out why... Can't be just laziness. Not most of the time, anyhow. Am I still fucking up, just more subtly...? I don't know. I really don't know much, in the end.

"Softer heart"... Yet I can't even bring myself to say what I actually think. I don't even know why. Don't know if I'm stuck in the role, don't know if I'm just a coward, don't know if I just care too much about what other people think...

I just don't know.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 13th, IY 7788

Cogsworth nearly blew up the War Camp, and half the army along with it! Well, he could've done that, if he had continued working with such a limited understanding of the Snowglobes... Inventing stuff seems real hard. I'm glad that I'm not an inventor! Bringing forth the new by way of the finest fabrics is vastly preferable to... connecting a few cogs and sprockets together until they explode? I don't know. I'm not sure what inventors actually do.

I wonder what he's going to do with all that silver...? Maybe he can pawn it off to a werewolf slayer... Whom wouldn't pay very well, since there's not much work available around here for such a hunter! So, he should just sell it to a kindly ol' granny. They love silverware!

Other than that, not much else happened... I spent about an hour, just watching Inky and Tonka play "Roll the Parchment", while knitting a sock... It's their favorite game! Magnifica used to play along, too... Well, I thought that she was playing. Turns out that she was just trying to eat it, but couldn't catch it due to her plumpness! When she finally managed to catch it once, she soon discovered that it wasn't edible. Not tasty, anyhow. So, now, she just spectates, with great disapproval.

A lot happens in our household!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 14th, IY 7788

The Sandstone is the strangest school that I've ever heard of... Turns out that they've trained rabid dogs, just so that they can be sicced on any unfortunate student who's not wearing the potato sack! So, you only have two options, if you attend this shitty school... Either look like an utter tosser, or get rabies! I'm so glad that I attended the Dapper Lad Vocational School, instead. Our school uniform is whatever we make ourselves!

There was a lot of ranting on the bellows, afterwards... Angry students, and that archivist guy went on a power trip. He kicked out so many students, with a simple dash of his quill... What a dingus! But perhaps it is for the best, in the end. Nobody should stay at such a shitty school!

Anyhow... I started working on my latest design. It'll be dedicated to Tavuskusu, the Celestial Peacock! My absolute favorite constellation, and my favorite bird! Besides Magnifica, I suppose... The problem, as ever, is that I have about twenty different sketches for the same idea. It's horrid! Yet the prismatic plumage of the peacock is an infinite source of inspiration... And that's before you add the stars themselves to the mix. Finding the design that's just right is a challenge that I simply adore!