The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 29th, IY 7789

Now that damn board's like a ghost! It keeps coming back, like Martin... Granted, that's more supernatural, this was just a matter of Mr. Donisthrope being mighty peculiar, and paying to have it repaired? Like... he didn't send us a bill, or anything, he just had it fixed without asking. Is this going to just keep happening...? Like, I come to work, and the board's back, and then when I leave, it'll be a pile of scrapwood, and that'll be like an endless loop that'll keep happening until the end of times? I'm starting to hate that damn board!

I don't even really know what's going on with it, anyhow. Is it official? Like, they officialized it during the very last moments of the election. Which, you know, that's pretty damn desperate? Could've done it sooner. Maybe it has something to do with head explosions. Or the head explosion. I don't know, but what I do know, is that I hate such vagueries and I wish I had both the knowledge and authority to just state that something's official... or unofficial.

Then again, that sounds mighty boring, so, maybe it's better that I don't have any of that.

What pisses me off most is that I didn't get to see the damn thing blow up! Now that's proper entertainment! Yeah! Blow up all the works of the League of Gold!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 30th, IY 7789

Apparently, Selwyn's banned the Krak? That's like, such nonsense! They're so well behaved... Well, unless a handsome lad passes them by, then it's like watching a... I'm no good with metaphors. It's awkward? I mean, I love handsome lads, but I don't go over to each and every one of them, yell "hi, I'm Bashir", and immediately declare their handsomeness right in their face!

Granted, if you could just do that, it'd make things much more simpler... But then I wouldn't get courted! And that is the road to free flowers, perfume, and bonbons! Though the latter I could skip... I eat them at such a slow pace that they always end up spoiled.

I wonder what Selwyn did to warrant such? I really, really, really hope that they didn't flirt with Louis... I'm pretty sure that's a death sentence in most cases.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 31st, IY 7789

Cinnazorbo has a mysterious lamp, which exudes an air of mysteriousness! By holding it aloft for all to see, he himself inclines towards the mysterious... Like, why's he holding that lamp around, even indoors, when it's perfectly well lit, he doesn't really need a lamp, but he carries it around, anyhow... By doing so, he distinguishes himself from the rest of the magickians, who instead carry two sticks around. Which, by the way, looks fucking stupid! You should only carry around one stick, if you're going to. It's just common sense!

Anyhow, I'm pretty sure that the list of rules at the Krak keeps growing... I tried reading them, but I nodded off after the first paragraph. No wonder Selwyn's banned, with so many rules out and about! If you're going to have a bunch of rules for a tavern, they should be communicated through pictures... I'm told that these are called "pictograms" in the sign making business... that illustrate your point in a most evident fashion!

Like, if you're drunk off your arse, you're not going to want to read something... But if the funny stick figure captures your attention, hey, that's different! You have to do these things according to your clientele... and if it's a bunch of lousy drunks, then you have to adjust to such intoxicated nonsensery!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 1st, IY 7789

The first lesson that they teach you about the game... Appear as if you're not playing it.

That lesson is, fittingly, a half-truth. Most of us aren't playing. A pawn doesn't get to choose its moves. Doesn't really matter if there's two to make, someone else chose them for you.

Found comfort in being just a tool, occasionally. Can't really blind yourself to the truth forever, though.

Choice really is the greatest luxury of them all, in the grasp of only a sparse few... Something that I can never afford, really.

Don't even want to be one of those "pragmatic men making the difficult choices", either.

Because they don't even fucking exist. All whom see themselves as that are, in truth, venereally addled catfuckers. Everybody's grasping in the dark. Everyone's blind.

I just want to choose how I live my life, and I want to do that without fucking someone else over.

Why'd I hurt them...? Do you think I wanted to? Do I seem the type? I'm a rat. Rats only bite when cornered. Stop cornering me.

The only winning move is not to play, but it has to be made right at the start.

And if you never even get to make that move? Well...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

IYAR 2ND, IY 7789

MY "BUNKY" IS BUSIED WITH THE MANY LABORS LAPIDATED AT HIS SPATIO-TEMPORAL FORM, BY THOSE DILATORY SOULS THAT COMMAND AUTHORITY OVER IT. I AM TOLD THAT "BUNKY" IS THE TERMINOLOGY THAT ONE SHOULD UTILIZE WHEN ONE BECOMES ACCUSTOMED ENOUGH TO ONE'S ABODE SHARER, THUSLY I SHALL BE ACTING ACCORDINGLY.

MANY PERPLEXING OCCURRENCES SURROUND THE WELL OF EPHIA. ONE OF THESE IS NOT THE HEAD EXPENDITURE OF ONE SINGULAR BROOKING GNOME, FOR IT IS CLEAR FOR ALL TO ANALYZE THROUGH THEIR CHOSEN OR NON-CHOSEN SENSORY ORGAN. WHAT IS NOT SEEMINGLY KNOWN, HOWEVER, IS THE ONENESS OF WHOM ORDERED THE TERMINATION OF ONE GRENTH OF FLAMEBRINGER.

HOWBEIT, I HAVE MANIFESTED A QUANTITY OF CONFIDENCE, FOR I HOLD IN MY MENTAL PATTERNS THE BELIEF THAT THE ONENESS IS DISCERNIBLE BY SIMPLE DEDUCTIVE REASONING.

1. AN EMPLOYER MUST HAVE CURRENCY TO HIRE THE SERVICES OF AN EMPLOYEE.

2. CAPABLE ASSASSINS DEMAND GREAT EXPENDITURE, FOR INEXPENSIVE ASSASSINS ARE INCONTESTABLY DIMWITTED AND THUSLY INCAPABLE OF PERFORMING THE SERVICE THAT THEY WERE COMMISSIONED FOR.

3. DUE TO ECONOMICAL CIRCUMSTANCES CAUSED BY THE PRIORITY LABOR CARTEL, THIS WAGE IS FURTHER AGGRAVATED TO EVEN GREATER HEIGHTS.

4. THE EMPLOYER MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE WHOM WAS BOTH MOST PROSPEROUS INDEED, AND WHOM HELD GREAT ANIMOSITY TOWARD GRENTH OF FLAMEBRINGER, TO DIVERT SUCH VAST AMOUNTS OF CURRENCY TOWARDS SOMETHING SO VILLAINOUS!

THEREFORE, THE ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION INFERRIBLE FROM THE PREMISES LAID BEFORE MINE MENTAL PATTERNS IS THAT THE MURDEROUS EMPLOYER IS NONE OTHER THAN...

MADDICUS OF ABALOM!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 3rd, IY 7789

I heard a rumor that Ricky's dead... Well, I heard it straight from Marcellus. He's already in mourning, and I feel really bad for him, but I'm pretty sure that Ricky's still alive, and that he's just faking it for attention. It's what I would do, if I had a need for such, and I don't, because I already have an excess of attention surrounding me at all times! Of course, if I had a dad, I wouldn't do it... But I don't, so...

It's like, a really nasty thing to pull on your dad, really.

Anyhow, Cork and Selwyn are really into exploring mysterious pits, for some reason. Granted, they are mysterious, but they're also pits, and there's never a guarantee that you're going to be able to climb out of there! So, I don't approve of such foolishness... Really, they should be exploring beaches, or tropical islands, those are far more comfy, and because the Disc is a shithole, they're dangerous, too, so, they can still get the excitement that they're craving.

Me? I get all my excitement from Royal Dragon, these days... Never know when you're going to hit that sweet 21!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 4th, IY 7789

New Junior Scribe... Seems like a real ragamuffin. Well, someone that used to be that, we don't hire children. There's the tea boy, but he's like, running a private enterprise, so, doesn't have a contract with us. Anyhow, I better not end up regretting this! Just that we need all the labor we can get, with all these constant changes and shuffles...

Anyhow, she sure got a sweet introduction to the Well, because Cogsworth was there, and he wanted to give us a tour, a tour of his lounge... He had finished it, so, I went over, again. Looked pretty sweet, really, but I don't know why he has a gnome living in his mailbox? That's like, so weird. I'm also not sure if he's paying him. Actually, I'm pretty sure he isn't, so, he's breaking the law, probably, if that minimum wage thing is still a thing, which I haven't the faintest about...

Anyhow, it would've been a nice visit, if it weren't for the topic... Everyone started talking about the law! That's so boring! So, because I wanted to be a courteous guest, I just started knitting a sock and pretended that I was listening. Because I sure as hell wasn't!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 5th, IY 7789

I hate these new laws! They almost arrested Zol Nur for being a Stonefolk! That's nonsense! What the fuck is wrong with these Legates?! And then they're like, "oh, the law is perfectly understandable if you actually read it", well, I did read it, even though it was awfully boring, and what's described in the body isn't even accounted for in the punishments, like, the punishments were for something completely different! That's stupid!

And if that wasn't enough, the Toga Crone appeared yet again, yesterday, and it was horrifying, because not only did I have to see Marcellus in his skivvies, I also had to see Dante in his smallclothes, too, and it was horrible, I never want to see anything like that again, I think that after you're done being a Legate you should be forced to fear pyjamas under everything at all times...

Anyhow, she wanted me to sell some togens, that's a catchier name for toga tokens, or she wouldn't return the togas, and it was awful, because absolutely nobody wanted to buy a single togen, even though all these adventuring types are rich these days, much richer than me, like, they're walking around with hundreds of thousands worth of dinars, and I've seen it, and they have the audacity to criticize my modest wealth, even though I actually work for my money, instead of taking advantage of an obvious scheme laid forth by some cartel that's trying to destroy the economy...

Anyhow, in the end, she returned the togas, anyhow. What a relief! It must've been my good charms and behavior that did it!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 6th, IY 7789

I never took Kaz for one to wear a dress! What a twist!

Anyhow, Banana claims that there are pink mangos... Pink. Mangos. That's nonsense... I've never witnessed such a thing, so, obviously, she must be color blind in such a way that she just sees pink everywhere. Which I'm sure is an actual thing. Everyone knows that mangos are mostly orange... Wait, am I just doing the same thing as she is, but with orange? How horrible! I do not wish to be obsessed with merely one color... I wish to be obsessed with all of them!

They don't ever send me to any orchards, so, I can't really confirm if such a thing exists... I just buy mine from the market, and obviously they're ripe, then. Maybe the pinkness is something that only the farmers witness, because it's there for like, an hour, or something. I really want to visit an orchard, too, but they keep sending me to these camel ranches, and they stink to high heaven! It's awful! The worst part is witnessing the crazy folk who keep going through their doo-doo for some reason! Utter nutters!

Granted, I wouldn't mind visiting, if they like, gave me a camel as a gift, for doing it so often. It'd be the fanciest of camels, far fancier than that fancy camel I met once, and I'd douse it in the fanciest of perfumes, too, so, it wouldn't be such a stinky boy or gal. I don't really know why everyone doesn't do just that, because it seems a pretty obvious thing to do, to me.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 7th, IY 7789

Orcan ambush out in the Scald... Waylaid the entire camp. Golden Vizier himself had to escape, fell out of skies right into the middle of the Plaza. Thought it was the Shade malfunctioning again... Don't really know if that had been worse, but this doesn't look good.

Plenty of folk ran right off, to board the ashsails, in order to help. I tried my best to aid in the only way I knew how, which was by tossing a bundle of money to folk whom needed more supplies. That, for some reason, made Sayburgh really mad? Like, I don't get her at all... I was literally giving out money for free to help people? What possible issue could you have with that? Do you want people to die because they're not properly supplied? Baffling, really...

Myself, I'm stuck at the office. Not that I would've gone there, anyhow, because what possible help could have I been? Just a burden, really. All of these legal shuffles and odd new duties have us far too busy, even if I don't want to answer a single fucking question about the law or anything related to it. I don't get this confession business, either. The Temple has their own people for that. Why are we working on it, now? Did they even inform the Temple that is what's going down, now? Because they sure as fuck didn't inform us...

I really hope everyone makes it back safe. Tired of losing people that I love.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 8th, IY 7789

Walked into the Pyramid, one fateful day. Completely out of his element, just like me.

They had made him the Legate. Probably because there was nobody else. Who knows?

Asked a bunch of questions. I pretended that I knew the answers. Got at least half of them wrong.

Yet he never yelled at me. He yelled at a lot of people, but never at me, never at Aaisha, never at any of the Scribes, at least not to my knowledge.

All of my other bosses have yelled at me... Granted, I worked with pimps and pushers, and their ilk, but still...

Genuinely respected me. Respected us. That goes a long way, for me. I don't give a shit about the senility, or the outright insanity, at times...

Why? Because respect is so scarce here that it might as well be forged out of diamonds.

I don't understand loss. I don't know if I ever will...

I'm just tired. Tired of it all. With each passing day, less and less familiar faces out on the streets, all of them just quietly carried away from here by the ash, melded into some fuzzy amalgam that bears no proper recognition.

I don't want to visit his grave, but I have to. Rather bring him chai, rather do anything, anything else at all, than stand in front of some cold slab of stone, its only purpose to serve as a reminder that he is dead, and that nothing can ever change that.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 9th, IY 7789

Funeral was just a mess... Not really unexpected. Still utterly disgusting to see these snakes slither to the stage, spouting lie after lie to further their own schemes. Another reminder to revise my will... Have to have someone on retainer, ready to bellow that I absolutely hate most of these motherfuckers, and that I do not condone anything that they say. In a morbid way, pretty damn entertaining to picture them there, caught in a lie, fuming with rage because they can't exploit my death.

In any other place, wouldn't even be thinking of such horrid garbage...

Apparently, the Princess had hired some geomancers to construct a pyramid for him? No body, though, so, no pyramid. I thought they had told her, but I guess not. Nobody tells me much, anyhow. Most big moves lately, they just happen, without anyone informing the Scribes. Not a single question, either. My approach to it is to just not even bother with it, because hey, you didn't tell me shit, so, whatever mangled machination you regurgitated onto the political stage? Might as well not exist to me.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 10th, IY 7789

Apparently, Mevura's ghost dropped a letter into Komemnsaenus' tray? It was a political one, too.

Just like him, really. Even as a ghost, he's utterly fucking dull. If I was a ghost, I'd do far more interesting things than engage in the politicks... I'd pull off a lot of pranks, for one. Not the kind that kill, though. I'd be a mostly-friendly ghost! It's just that a whole lot of people around here don't deserve any friendliness whatsoever... Well, I guess it's relative. Most people here are nice, it's just that they don't have anything to say on what goes on here. The ones that do? They're mostly awful!

Anyhow, they want to move Marcellus' shrine into the Pyramid, now... Not really a whole lot of places for it. Basement's no good, either, because there's no way we're letting any of these freaks in there. Also, a lot of folk want some hall of statues, now? For all the Legates? That's like, a massive expense, and it's more work for us, and since it'd be in the Pyramid, folk would just assume that I'm a sculptor, now? And then they'd slither to me and screech that there's something wrong with one of the statues and demand that I immediately change it...

Horrid. Would also mean that we'd need another utterly disgusting statue of Sol Auk. I'd rather have it outside, in a particularly heron-laden part of town. Why? So that they can all shit on it!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 11th, IY 7789

Cassandra said that I have moon madness... all because she doesn't follow the official calendar of Ephia's Well! I think she's drinking on the job... which a lot of Viziers do. Me included, when I was one. It's the only way to get through the day... if you actually do your job, that is. But since the job of the Vizier has been completely obfuscated beneath muddy waves of backscratchism, the title basically means jack shit, now! You get a wage, and get to hover over shoulders in meetings, I suppose...

Yogi was fixing his leaky roof? Even got a few volunteers to help him. A leaky roof is no good... granted, it leaks ash and sand around here, instead of the sweet waters! Also, is Yogi his title, or his name? Because I've no clue... I've never seen him do yoga... or yoghurt, for that matter. So, I don't really know. Those monks do yoga to relax, and to become one with the spiritual truths! I do the same with yoghurt!

I wish I had a fancy title...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 12th, IY 7789

A lot of the lazy layabouts about the Pyramid tend to tell me that there's "good money" in archaeology... What nonsense! Every single archaeologist that I've known has been dirt poor! Especially Jamileh, who had to lend money from her friends to pay rent... Most of the stuffs and things that you find out on the trail are historically important, yet so covered beneath mold and such that nobody wants anything to do with it.

Now, if the Colossi had had a bunch of bejeweled bibelots, then it'd all fund itself, but no, it's all stale slabs of stone, full of obscure poems and such. And the Orentid stuff, it's all about lavatories. Nobody wants to read about that! So, the average archaeologist has a negative income. It's quite sad. They need sponsors like me to make a living!

I'm very discerning about whom I sponsor, though... The ones blowing up ruins here and there get none of my money! Yet if they have an open mind, and follow proper safety precautions, then they just might get a modest sum to pay for their shovels and such. It's only fair!