The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 18th, IY 7788

Marcellus sure loves coming up with new games! First it involved a board, now it's a deck with way too many cards. What do the games have in common? War! I think making entertainment out of warfare is the favorite pastime of many a warmonger... I tried to think of a gentler moniker, but none came to mind. How strange! Oh well.

The game was far too complicated! I couldn't understand any of it... I also don't know why anyone would wish to play as the Sibilant? Give me a Triton deck with a simplified ruleset, thank you very much! And I do mean that, because even though it's overly complex and has way too many rules, there's still a hint of fun in there. Just need to tone it down for ditzy dinguses like me... I'm joking, of course! I'm not a dingus!

But he should tone it down for me, really! And make a Triton deck! Tritons are very neat.

They didn't even finish the game... Oh, he was playing against al-Basri. I was supposed to play against her, but then I saw the cards, and I felt like running right out of there! I guess that was obvious, because Marcellus offered to play in my stead. But, yeah, it took quite long, in fact, it took so long, that folk started gathering for a raid on an orcan encampment in the meantime! Zoturu kept hooting and hollering for the two gamesters to hurry it up! So, on the penultimate (?) round, they just stopped playing and ran off to kill some orcs.

There's something really macabre about all of this!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 19th, IY 7788

Marcellus' new game is a hit! A direct one, right into the hearts of the Kha'eshi... in a good, non-violent way! They love it, and so do the good peoples of Ephia's Well. I mean "good" in a general sense, because there's very few actually good people around here, and I'm talking about this lack both in terms of morals and competence! I guess it's a very vague sense of generality... Anyhow, now, everyone wants a deck to play this unnamed game, which really should get a name, because just calling it "Marcellus' New Game" is plain ol' weird.

I like watching people play it, even though I've no clue on what is actually happening! I'm sure I'll figure it out after... oh, let's say about ten games. That sounds about right. The commander of that quiet mercenary band kept breathing right on my neck, throughout the first game, though! What a creep!

Anyhow... I feel sorry for poor Richo! He knows a lot about the Disc... probably about both of them... even though he's no astrologer or astronomer or astropoger... What I mean to say, is that he knows a ton, but folk can't understand him? I find him perfectly coherent! I don't know what people's problem is! Do I have to write a dictionary...? Well, not a dictionary, really, since it's all about a differing sentence structure, I suppose.

I don't know what they call books for that, though, so, I'd just call it... "Deciphering Richo: How Listening to the Chosen of Warad Can Change Your Life by Bringing forth Greater Understanding"! Something like that, anyhow. Maybe lose the subtitle, since it's a little long, and bound to lose the interest of people who don't read! Capturing that audience is really important, since if you sell a book to them, they won't complain, because they won't read it.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 20th, IY 7788

Folk sure had a lot of prisms, yesterday! I weaved the aspecktral magicks about a badjillion gadjillion times... It's hard work, but it pays well. I even managed to get folk their very favorite aspect a few times! What good fortune! Even Richo found a prism... He gave it to me! And through wondrous luck, it gave me one of the aspects that I've been looking for!

Now my mind is filled with ancient lore... Like the tale of Hülya, the Forgetful Maiden, whom caused the Great Fire of Özge's Kitchen, when she forgot to close the door, which led to a rat running in and jumping into the oven, after which it skittered all around, setting everything ablaze! Always shut the kitchen door!

Anyhow... Kedra wields the power of Pure Sound! It's mighty peculiar, and spooky! She frightened me twice by using her great powers irresponsibly... I'm going to run the other way if I hear her reciting a spell in my vicinity. I don't want to go deaf, because then I couldn't hear birdsong, ever again! Oh, what a dreadful thought... Though some birds are awful squawkers. Like gulls! They should shut up, and stop eyeing my food... It's for me and my friends, and gulls are no friend of mine! So far, anyhow.

Oh, and Nibb's back... He teleported into town from the nether... which is probably the Sandstone's basement. He was acting a tad peculiar? He was mighty annoyed with his floppy hat. I think he threw it into the trash, or just gave it to someone? I'm not sure. It was a very goofy hat, but I think you should be more responsible with haberdashery, and give them to a good home when you no longer like them.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 21st, IY 7788

Most gnomes are obsessed with badgers, gemstones and mushrooms, but I met one who's bewitched by spikes! He loves them, and bedecks himself with them all over. It's mighty peculiar, but he's a gnome, so... If he wasn't peculiar, that'd be far stranger. To me, such a fixation seems like a whole lot of trouble... Like, it becomes second nature to such an extent, that you try rubbing your shoulder after a particularly strenuous range of calisthenics, and you end up impaling your palm upon a big ol' spike! Yeowch!

Speaking of spikes, Ashür was taking a nap in the Plaza, and someone surrounded him with spiky barricades...? I tried to get help for him, but when I came back after making a bellow, they were gone? What a peculiar prank to pull! I don't think it was that gnome, though, ever the pranksters as his people might be... After all, that'd have meant that he would be giving up his beloved spikes, so, it wouldn't make much sense. Anyhow, napping in the Plaza seems dangerous, and is one of the reasons why Jamileh's hair doubles as a flophouse for impoverished lice.

What else? Oh, Kedra and Selwyn are at that experimental stage of their lives, so, they were trying a bunch of strange shit in the Krak's sparring ring. Kedra was shrieking at the top of her lungs by way of mysterious magicks, to see if it hurt Selwyn's statuesque form, which was like that only in the sense that they looked as if someone had dropped a bucket of plaster all over them. I didn't really get it, and I continue not to.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 22nd, IY 7788

Everyone was saying that Ahmet's gone off and disappeared...? I don't even know how they'd notice that, because I don't see him at all, anyhow. But those folk know him better, I guess... So, I looked for him all around! I looked in the Divan, I looked in the offices... And I didn't find him, or a single clue! Thankfully I'm not a detective, because I'd stink at it, unless I was some kind of social detective, who figures it out by talking to people, and well, that'd just be dangerous, because if you found out who did it, then they'd try to stab you, so, I'd have to get katana lessons from Beetroot!

I hired Cleat as my bodyguard, just in case... He does good work! Though he did insist on relaxing in the hammam, when we were investigating the Divan... I hope that won't be a problem. I mean, if I was a bodyguard, I'd probably done the same. It's real nice, after all! The hammam, that is, not being a bodyguard, that's probably a completely terrible job! Just standing there, waiting for the moment that someone tries to get rough with your client... I wouldn't have the nerves for it!

Anyhow, there were no clues on the Divan, and especially not at the hammam! Just some mighty pleasant steam!

Then Azimi got on the bellows and made it sound like Ahmet's dead...? How would she know?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 23rd, IY 7788

Explosion went off in the arsenal... Some spilled alchemist's fire. All the rations for the legion's march were completely ruined. One shitty strap was all it took, but... Carrot and Jamileh seemed to think that it was frayed on purpose, too. I didn't see that, really, but she tends to notice far more than I do, so, she's probably right. So, sabotage... It's one option. Yet I'd also never have signed off on such shoddy craftmanship. I understand that we have a budget to adhere to, but still... Can't really be mad at Bengo or Frederica about it, though.

Was really afraid that folk would find excuses to blame it on me, but that didn't happen, thankfully. Sensible enough, but some didn't seem to understand that in a dying desert, you can't just buy fifty thousands worth of rations with a snap of your finger.

Council meeting went surprisingly well, thankfully... I really like Jamileh's geosphere idea. Some others didn't seem that impressed, though? I don't know why. If it works, it works. Might as well try. Was a bit stressful, though... Zol Nur thinks that me leaving my seat is a terrible idea. But being the DCS is a lot of work, already... And I don't really understand logistics, anyhow, besides fabrics, so... It just seems like a recipe for disaster, and I've made a ton of mistakes, lately.

But now I'm kind of unsure on what to do? People told me that I did a good job, but I don't really know if they actually meant that, or if they were just trying to be nice.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 24th, IY 7788

Argent let in those Tutors from Arslan, then ran off to get drunk with Gedwyr and his flatmate. Now, I can't act as if I haven't let unwanted guests in without thinking about it enough, but... He also put Selsi and Stern in charge of entertaining them? They sat down at the Ambassador's Rest, and it was a miracle that one of them didn't jump at the other in a flurry of slaps. Instead, they just gave them a tad too many promises.

Capitulating to such demands from people like that is always puzzling to me. Haven't met a single person from Arslan who liked them, but these fatcats – admittedly only one was fat – hint at knowing some ancient lore, and folk start considering placing them back on the throne. Whatever seat councils have, I suppose. I'll just call it a throne. Don't even really know if they know anything useful... They did mention the GEOTHERMANTIC stuff that Jamileh's interested in, but again, don't really know how much they really know about it.

Give them the whole Disc, and they'll probably just reveal that in the year 6789, they had an intense discourse on the ethical qualities of GEOTHERMANTICS, and agreed that GEOTHERMANTICS should only be used for non-violent purposes. Then they'll wag their fingers at us for even considering it for military purposes, even if for merely shielding our soldiers from the blistering heat.

Oh, and Richo has a cart full of books, now. Jamileh gave them to him for free? That's nice. Weird seeing him moving so slowly, though... That many books weighs a ton.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

KANÖN HRAY 25TH, IY 7788

O KUSATMA!

CHANT THE SONG OF AGES!

O KUSATMA!

BY THE VEIL, PIERCE THE VEIL!

O KUSATMA!

FROM WHAT WAS, TO WHAT IS!

O KUSATMA!

CHANT THE SONG OF ONRUSH!

O KUSATMA!

MAR THE CORSE OF PAST!

O KUSATMA!

CAST SORROW, CAST REGRET!

THE MIST
              IS
                  THE MIST
                                IS
                                    THE MIST!
                                                    THE MIST
                                                                  IS
                                                                      THE MIST
                                                                                    IS
                                                                                        THE MIST!
                                                                                                        THE MIST
                                                                                                    IS
                                                                                      THE MIST
                                                                                  IS
                                                                  THE MIST!
                                                    THE MIST
                                                  IS
                                  THE MIST
                                IS
                  THE MIST!
      THE MIST
    IS
      THE MIST
                    IS
                        THE MIST!
                                      THE MIST
                                                    IS
                                                        THE MIST
                                                                      IS
                                                                            THE MIST!
                                                                                          THE MIST
                                                                                                        IS
                                                                                                            THE MIST
                                                                                                                          IS
                                                                                                           THE MIST!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 26th, IY 7788

Seeing Kusatma be fired made me feel so ill, that I didn't feel like writing anything at all yesterday... No empty page, though, because Inky wrote on it, instead! They were four sheets to the wind, scrawling absolute nonsense while fuckered up on mizzar! I really need to decline any and all meetings at Elossi's if this is what ends up happening... At least I didn't have to pay for it!

MINE BEING WAS NOT "FUCKERED UP", NOR DID IT COMMIT "NONSENSE" TO RECORD! PHENOMENAL SECRET PORTENTS WERE REVEALED TO MINE THOUGHT PATTERNS UPON THE PARTICULAR INSTANCE OF SPATIO-TEMPORAL CIRCUMSTANCE IN WHICH I CLUTCHED ONTO THE SPELLBOUND SHISHA OF ELOSSI, AND CHANTED... "O KUSATMA! O KUSATMA! O KUSATMA!"

Sure... Sure... Sure. Have this list of drupes!

AN ARGOSY! GRANT IT!

Well... That's over with. Oh! Some filthy slavers kidnapped Pook Ulbo's son, Burgin. Burgin Ulbo. Pook Ulbo enlisted Marcellus' help, of course, and Marcellus proceeded to hire about fifty people to help him. Despite treating Pook like his personal, highly morally dubious bank, Marcellus does care. Somewhat. So, I decided to help, too, because no kid deserves such a fate... and all slavers deserve to die in a most painful fashion!

The clues led to a strange ruin, full of devious traps, and rhythmic Baz'eeli Jazz'eeli! A bunch of dwarves kept running into those traps, causing rocks to fall from the ceiling... They kept doing that. About a baker's dozen of times, until one of them got hit on the noggin so bad, that they nearly died. I think it was that student, Jay Ding-Dong. Thankfully, he didn't die. At the end of the trapped corridor... A door!

It led into a strange hall, in the center of which there was a magickal enclosure! You had to speak of rumps to open it. How uncouth! Inside the enclosure... tiny Burgin Ulbo, and a man-shaped bag. Inside the bag...? Marcellus' illegitimate – and thoroughly deadbeat – son, Ricky! We've kept his existence under wraps for so long, alongside... Oh, better not write about that. Anyhow, apparently Burgin had shoved Ricky in that bag, because he's a right-on annoying git! I don't blame the kid at all...

So, the boys were saved, and reunited with their dads! It was a happy day, for one and all, something for all dads and sons to celebrate over! Hooray!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 27th, IY 7788

It's Pumpkin Day! Or week... I don't really get it. Anyhow, it means that there's a bunch of pumpkins around, because they ward off some evil pumpkin spirit, or something. Me, I just enjoy a good pumpkin pie, or salad. I only sprinkle poudre-douce in the former, though, and in my coffee, occasionally! In a salad, however, such would simply be completely ridiculous! So ridiculous, in fact, that I'd only try it once... Except if it turned out to be yummy!

Pumpkin Day seems to revolve around décor otherwise, too. Folk are lugging around all sorts of weird stuff, like cages. It's baffling! Yet in midst of such buffoonery, I was able to purchase a gorgeous crimson lantern, so, it's not all bad. Now, my studio has that certain je ne sais quoi that it was missing. It already had a whole lot of je ne sais quoi to begin with, but was unfortunately bereft of this particular sort of it.

Anyhow, we were looking around for geospheres, for Jamileh's project. We didn't find any, because she wanted to look for them in Nusrum, and I've never seen a geosphere there! So, it was just a whole bunch of walking around in smelly ruins. Jamileh and Zol Nur were struck by the moody blues, for some reason. I'm not sure if it was disappointment over the lack of geospheres, or what! So, I tried coming up with a joke to cheer everyone up...

What is the capital city of bees called?

Buzz'eel!

Only Richo liked this joke! I think it's pretty good, personally... Folk didn't like my lake facts, either. I'm only going to share jokes and lake facts with Richo, from now on!

Oh, and my shipments finally arrived! My latest design...? Inspired by my ex! One of them. He was a warrior monk... The friction between his strapping good looks, and an overly rigid set of vows, was simply too much! So, I dumped his arse! But, despite being a real stick in the mud, he admittedly had great fashion sense, so... I'm most inspired!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 28th, IY 7788

Second firing of Kusatma... Still absolutely terrifying. Best not to linger on it too much. The Vice-Chancellor and Zham Tal were there to witness it, and it was good to see them after such a long time! They certainly keep digging out peculiar doodads, over there... Had some sort of grenade with them. Maybe they'll sell those secretly...? Who knows... I don't like explosives, as awe-inspiring as they can be!

Mirielle made me the Map Master... Something like that, anyhow. Basically, it just means that I have to mark stuff down on the Divan's map. It's not a whole lot of labor, but my sense of direction's always been kind of terrible...? So, the places are not going to be in perfect spots, and folk are going to complain! I hate it, already! The complaining, that is. Working on the map is surprisingly relaxing, otherwise. I even had Richo helping me, but then he got distracted by something, and ran off. Terrace's not really a place to be running about wildly, but he was just fine!

Also, Jamileh had gone a wild bender, on the eve before... She was napping in a sand pile in the map chamber! She refused to admit it, too! If you're going to get wicked trashed to such an extent, you should just own up to it! Denying it when it's so obvious just makes things even more embarassing... I do think that she should see a doctor about her drinking, though. It's worrying. I'd recommend my doctor, Vijaya Bollimunta, but her client list is completely full!

I think it's just me, really, but I pay very well.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 29th, IY 7788

We went to the Ashways, yesterday... I don't remember why, but it was nice! As nice as a trip to a hellish wasteland full of curses and witches could be, anyhow. I didn't find any pumpkins, though. Jamileh wanted to jump into the witch pit, for some reason? She's real weird. I wouldn't jump into a witch pit, even if you paid me! Obviously because it'd be witch money, which tends to be cursed.

Marcellus' library has a bar now, which makes it the most happening library to ever exist, and I'm counting the ones with hobby clubs in that assessment, so, it's kind of a big deal! The worrying aspect, however, is that the bar isn't locked, and Ricky now lives on Marcellus' couch, so... It's a disaster in the making! Doesn't help that he immediately became a gigolo once he stepped inside the gates... So, yeah, eventful library, just that all the events happen to be absolutely atrocious!

Also... Apparently Jay Ding-Dong and Grackle are an item? As in, husband and husband? Well, I don't know if they're married, but they're definitely together. Seems like someone's scheming against their love...? Dwarven love can be cold and harsh, like an icicle through your navel, but it should still be allowed to bloom, like... a cactus...? I don't know, I don't get dwarves, or their strange rites of romance which mostly involve anvils and hammers, but I still won't judge!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 30th, IY 7788

The Fashion Show is approaching, once again! This time, there'll be a cook-off, too... How wondrous! I can't wait to see – and taste – what the chefs of the Well shall prepare for everyone! Whether cuisinier or hash-slinger, everyone's welcome! The latter have bad manners, but you don't need those to cook good grub! If the food's good enough, who cares that the cook keeps flipping you the bird...?

Of course, the Fashion Show is really fancy, so, maybe not do that there!

Some fortune teller told me my fortune

TAUTOLOGICAL!

Oh, shut up! Anyhow, the soothsayer said my sooths, and my past and present are doing all right, but my future is full of ill portents! I need to find out what's coming! But, like always with these augurs, it's just vague nonsense, so, I don't really have much to go on... Thankfully she didn't charge for her services! I don't pay for vagueries!

What else...? Oh, right. Beet Poggin and Kedra had a rhyme battle... It was supposed to be the battle of the century, but Kedra just stood on stage, going "no, no, no, no"... It was extremely embarassing, for everyone involved! Granted, Beet Poggin's rhymes were most bodacious, and fierce like fire, but still... She could've at least tried. Not trying is worse than being completely stompified!

Oh, and Ricky is like, such a catty bitch, I absolutely hate him, and I hope all that wine he's guzzling on goes to his tummy, instead of his thighs, because the latter is a lucky trait to have, anyhow, that vamp can go back to Baz'eel for all I care, and I don't care very much, at all.