A medical Journal.

[Scitus]

A black bound notebook. Unceremoniously Labeled. "Journal"

"Chapter One."

"I've never kept a personal journal, it's something I have recommended in the past to patients. I've just never found the need to keep one myself; but, I've never been pushed this far before. It may do me some good to get the ideas down here, Not just keep them in my head. I'll, need to think of what I need to think."

"The world changes so fast, and other times a crawl."
 
There is a sharp line as if the writing had been cut off.

[Scitus]

"Chapter One continues."

"To think, what could not be explained by tutors, by doctors, by my masters and peers. Would be so easily explained by metallurgical knowledge. I understand now, at least I hope I do. I am grateful to you Zain. As grateful as I am to Master Mae, and Apothar Kretuz, maybe one day I can find a way to impart that. To thank them all for what they've done. A foolish hope, one is already gone. It was like watching a star die, I am still struck with a profound loss, that only now can truly paralyze me.

Metal can not be pulled too thin, the ductility of any object shall determine it's maximum coverage by volume. The sword too long will wilt, the armor too narrow will collapse. I can not do everything. I took such great insult to that fact, I worked so hard to prove it wasn't true, but was I so foolish as to truly think I was superior to them all. I am not unaware of my own skills or my own lack, nor those of others. Yet still, I saw myself above them, floating through the clouds. I told Xon today, Nothing truly exists in isolation. I always knew that. Why did I forget?"

[Scitus]

"Chapter Two."

"What is crueler, to say that she can not understand or that she will not understand. How can she? Only in the moment can anything truly be known. Experimentation, implementation, all of the study and practice in the world won't teach you what you need to know. I understand why we scorn the sandstone and baz'eel. They are content to sit on tradition, content to sit on their own polished floors and say they have already found the right way.

But it is wrong, there is still so much to learn, so much to see, so much to do. Their ideology doesn't permit this, and the fact that such a procedure so loudly proclaimed as political farce by superiors, has not in any way aided. The fact that I had to make science of a political farce. I regret only, that I wish I could have put her parts back in."


A small note in the margins

"I thought we were supposed to be against dogmatic tradition..."

[Scitus]

"Chapter Three"

"How dare he, how dare he take my place. I was ready, I spent so much time and energy preparing. I was ready, mind and body. He comes in with that stupid smile on his face. Thinking about everyone but himself. He thought he was so smart, I want to hate him. I want to hate him so much. I can't.

It should have been me
It should have been me
It should have been me
It should have been me that died in Assuru not him."


Splotches dot the page.

[Scitus]

"Chapter Four."

"I'm not sure how it happened, but I've learned from Her. Not anything she hoped to teach me of course, those are infantile understandings. That, however, is the crux of my revelation. For so long I have labored attempting to parse Malice from ignorance. Naivety and Agenda. I've realized, there is no deviation between Malice and Ignorance. Malice is simply ignorance empowered. How can one be cruel, to harm others, to hurt their progress. Like I have done. Borne of Ignorance, the errant wasp found in your study cannot know you are releasing it from a worse fate. But that does not entitle you to resent it it's struggles.

I have learned. Thank you."

[Scitus]

"Chapter Five."

My own finger, It didn't even seem like mine down on the floor, just more flesh to tend, the pain was in the back of my mind as the needle pierced the skin. I barely remember it, the blood, the thread. They're just recollections. What hurt came after, Only Lucian even thought to ask me. "They are sure of your ability to recover." Very convenient of them that I require no compassion. Do I? And when I just, needed someone to listen to me lament about how little I felt, appreciated. I could not, I know he cares, but caring is not enough. To care is not enough. Thank you, for this lesson too.

[Scitus]

"Chapter Six."

"You were always good to me." The last thing he said to me. Not good enough, never good enough to save a life. Just dig in the ruins.


*The rest of the page is splattered with wet marks*

[Scitus]

"Chapter Seven."

I hate what you've made me do, I hate what I've chosen to do. This isn't what I wanted, I am in control. How can they chain a light, how can they desire a luminary and a servant, why do I chase this thin edge while others stride over wide stone bridges. Is it truly a greater path? I can only hope.

[Scitus]

"Chapter Eight."

"We take our licks in this tower." It is comforting to know. It is reassuring to hear that the investment in me is too high to waste.

I've spent days, weeks even months, wondering why I even stay. When it seems like all they do despite my successes, at great personal cost, That all they see is rebellion.

Well, it turns out when I try to walk away they stop me. I am grateful. It was kind, even if it was harsh, Zenithar Konthaz has an acerbic tone but it was what I needed to hear.

I genuinely can't tell, Apothar Mevura swings so wildly from appearing to be my fiercest enemy, to someone actively helping me. It is near maddening to keep up with. I suppose my declaration of freedom from him earlier caused this in no small part, I probably shouldn't have called him a wilting flower but it was just so difficult to watch him bend over backwards for some nadiri that reminds him of his master.. When I've actually volunteered to follow him to the depths, when I've been beside him with every autopsy, I'm not perfect, I understand that. But I've done my best to disprove his fears of being some kind of Priory spy. I'm not sure how to deal with him. I hope it improves after this.

[Scitus]

"Chapter Nine."

STARVATION

They've never noticed what I do. They don't know the battles I wage. The constant tempting and prodding by sisters who think I'm weak. I let them think that. I make wonders with my hands, I save battlefields of men, I can tear space apart.. POLITICAL BUNGLING, those idiots.. Khalid would never have been able to win. I was the one in control, I AM IN CONTROL.

The master said, that when they were together, in exile, bodies hungry, minds free.

I've never struggled with food.

But I'm Starving.
I'm Starving
I'm starving
IM STARVING
IM STARVING
 
*the rest of the page is torn*

[Scitus]

"Chapter Nine"

"You were to be promoted, after the trip to red hill, your triumph, your victory."

"Do not go Zol Nur, It is a suicide mission."

"This one has named you, as it has been decided long ago, you remain with my full confidence."

"No one came?" I cried, but lucian assured me. "They have full confidence in your abilities."

I sewed my finger back together. and I can't help but wonder if you are proud of me. I know you'd never actually say so, or otherwise.

I haven't let pain stop me, it's never stopped me, People don't even know I can feel it.

Now I go to my end, and I wonder if I can be as brave as you were. Brother, brothers.

[Scitus]

"Chapter Ten."

How much does it take, to earn the respect of being spoken to like a person? Every day in contrition until the blows against me are too terrible and I must roar in defiance. These licks are too great, I don't think I can handle it.

Not the council, not my old peers, not the people I trained, no one gives me a moment.

I'm so tired, I'm so hungry, Please Master, where is the wisdom? Help me find it. Before I'm gone.

[Scitus]

Some Scribbles in the Margin.

I was pretty sure which of the two I liked better, Margarethe or Apothar Azimi. Since yesterday I am no longer sure.

[Scitus]

Some Scribbles in the Margins.

If he was as right as he was wrong, that's still a lot more than most.

[Scitus]

"Chapter Eleven."

I miss you, for being a friend when things were darkest, and an enemy when I needed someone to fight. I don't know if anyone will sing that praise. I'm sure a lot of people will say many surface level things. You were wrong often and it wasn't clear how much was on purpose, and you were brave. I'm sure I'll hear that one a lot.

But I think, perhaps, in being a foe to me you pushed me harder. Maybe unfairly hard, but those unholy monsters are hardly fair are they. I didn't think I would, but I miss you Apothar.