In the Margins of a Wizard's Tome

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Gas Explosion

Days since last notes? Lost track. Four? Five?

All been a blur. Even calmer, quieter days.

Impromptu speech turned disaster turned rallying success. At least think so. Tunnel vision. Focused on energizing campaign, on making noise, producing impact, failed to hear what was said by man ten feet away.

Then a pause in time. After the camel dung landed. Stared into the crowd. Eyes like lenses, saw everything despite dim light of night. Time stopped. Not because of spell. No data to corroborate. Time stopped. Simultaneously, so many thoughts in mind and no thoughts at all.

One minute. Two. Needed to decide. Act. All that data but not enough mind to process it.

Eventually mouth moved again. Regained ability of speech. Initial plan no longer suitable. Needed to improvise. Rancini and Domhnall rushed to fill in. Provided new opportunity, tactic.

Not enough in wider view of things. Election decided early, within first day of voting.

Lot of lessons learned. Lot to learn from own mistakes. Lot to learn from others' examples. Lot to learn from Domhnall. Lot to learn from Rancini. Lot to learn in discovering even most confident assumptions can be for granted.

Lessons for future use.

Maybe calculations, tabulations, and projections will be wrong. Maybe probability will be probability yet again. Unlikely.

Does not matter.

The science continues regardless.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Resistance

Election over. Days ago. Work continues. Pressure lightened.

Interesting puzzle. Political environment was heavily lopsided. Raises questions on how to approach future elections. Appeal to the lop side? Build up the un-lop side? Lopsided balance of power unhealthy, makes the Well inflexible. Unable to adapt to changing conditions.

Reaction to voice and speech modulation generally positive. Still collecting data. Widening of spectrum from patterns identified as "silly" or "casual" to include "serious" and "business-like" elucidates social interactions. Greater communication with more people improves range and accuracy of datasets.

Adjusted emphasis of name has similar effect. But data maybe affected by timeline. Laws of time predicates more people will use "Margo" if they don't know what the B stands for. Interesting to note who continue to use "Boops" despite shift in name use.

Banafsi royalty is fascinating conundrum full of questions and unknowns. Provenance? Authenticity? Lineage? Military capability? What sort of republic sends own people to be turned into machines?

Almost glad Domhnall facing these questions instead of me. Almost. Perplexed why he treated Squeev poorly.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Fox's Cunning

Had meeting with Marcellus and Nasreen. Fun. Much discussed. Problems mused over. Great brain storming.

Then: Assembly. Hephaestus of Banafsi sitting right there. Couldn't help asking; opportunity right there to gather data. So many others danced around the issue. So I asked. Upset Domhnall. Showed him up. Good. Let him see how it should be done.

Realize how much I wanted that Legate's seat. Asking questions. Coming up with ideas, solutions. Thinking, planning one thing. Executing another. Anyone can do the former. The latter requires power, authority. Opportunities and options passing by without consideration a waste.

Disadvantages? Domhnall and Marcellus tied to their desks. Or within Well's walls. But chance to make use of delegative strategies. Domhnall ran after Glop. He could have sent others. Psychic projection seen by others, not by Domhnall alone. Send Janissaries, Astronomers, Rose. They would have been led to children once closer.

Domhnall always needs to be front and centre?

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Ward Area

Where did mango come from? How did it enter pack? Doesn't matter. Not important. Maybe. Or not as important.

Heard some whispered words. Confused at first. Then came possible realizations. Much provocation. Much intrigue.

Exciting.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Clarity

Other side to excitement: misery of ignorance.

Elucidations satisfying but, unknowns are uncomfortable. Mystery intriguing, but being ignorant of data and information a nagging itch in every inch of bone and flesh. Not knowing is painful.

Unavoidable. Data and time is infinite but perspective is limited. Knowledge of world and reality will always be behind.

Another lesson learned during election: must become comfortable with uncertainty. Embrace it. Cannot hesitate. Cannot sit still and do nothing. Cannot deny that uncertainty always exists to some degree.

Gambling a vice but gamblers take action. Gathering as much data as possible is only improving the odds. Not omniscient. Therefore all decisions and actions inherently gambling.

Investigate. Ask questions. Gather the data. Then act. Follow through. Criticized others for lacking it, do not be hypocrite.

Getting lucky always a good feeling.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Scare

Ghost of giant serpent. Giant serpent in the sky. Giant serpent on the earth. Funnily, not worst serpent. Less worried of giant serpent than smaller ones. But snakes not usually bad. Misunderstood. Some social, friendly. Snake swarms just snakes having good time. Big snake cuddle ball.

Did not invent "boopsiedaisy" but is amusing. Add to lexicon? Want to. But carefully. Worked hard to appear serious. Don't step backwards.

Their smile unnerving. But welcoming? Felt welcomed. Encroaching on new territory, spurred on by curiosity, wanderlust. Small doubt in back of mind: taking big, unnecessary risk? But maybe will be nothing. Maybe will get what I want. Good excuse to speak with them more often. Opportunity to learn many things.

Work and plans progress. Proud of work enfranchising Janissaries. No guarantee of returns. Shifting political board still improvement. Accord exists for a reason. The Well better off when balance--even tenuous--prevents domination. Sandstone College opening also significant change to board. But how to fit all the pieces together?

Told myself don't contest candidacy this election. Sit back. Watch. Continue to learn. Caught off guard by all the encouragement. "Encouragement".

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Chill Touch

She was a sword, shield. Cast magic on her. Magic protected her so she could kill things. Many things. Big things. Rich things. We find treasure, dinari, supplies. Split and share. Worked together. Became rich together.

Loud. Abrasive. Stupid. Don't remember when all that stopped bothering me. Change, shift in relationship happened quickly, naturally, unnoticed. From "that idiot is going to get killed" to "Yes, Anais! Kill that sibilant!".

Did not track data. Did not notice the change. When was the break through? When did stranger become acquaintance become companion become friend? When was the change in trajectory? So many variables. Confluxing and entwining with one another. Our spats genuine at first, then jests by the end. Her screaming once ear piercing became smile-inducing.

When? Where? How?

Unanswerable questions now. No new data points forthcoming. Or expected.

Need keep better track. Many others in the Well with similar patterns. Many others could have similar patterns.

One supposedly fond of me. So am told. Very fond based on wider than average smile measurements. But them seemingly also a black box of data now. No further points to calculate, graph. Feels like robbery. Lost opportunities.

Then: Bashir. Hugged me. Can't remember when last hugged. Surprised, unexpected. But shouldn't be. Should have kept better track of hug-or-not-hug status of relationship. Should have calculated probability of hugging based on other socio-relationship patterns and cues. Should know these things.

These things still data. Important.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Confusion

Data inconclusive.

What do I do?

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Dread Seizure

Prepared for days. Knew possibility of trial. Wrote notes. Drafted arguments. Planned strategies. Prepared. Prepared. Prepared.

Tried to warn Lawcleaver. Told him of notes. Preparations. Other Janissaries questions leading to nothing. Overreach negatively impacts Janissaries' reputation. Reduces willful and eager cooperation. Didn't listen.

Should have. All went according to plan. My plan. Only minimal deviation.

Preparation; study; verified calculations of data: all worthwhile.

But why does same process fail in other cases? In this one case? Why still not know?

Been trying to meet with Domhnall for days. Trial provided face-to-face opportunity. Slipped into office. Spoke. Gathered data. Got everything I wanted. Answers. Satisfactory answers. Everything he said answered all my questions of him. Genuine answers for genuine questions. Could not imagine anyone being more honest. Could not think anything else I wanted from him.

Still--feels like all data points unknown. Have all numbers yet feels like they are all blank. Or changing. Unfixed. Shifting. Imaginary. Have all the data yet still everything feels devoid of surety. It is all--

Inconclusive.

What do I do?

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Clarity

No new plan. No new idea. More data--but nothing usable for building, for elaborating, for expanding the calculation.

Conversation with Marcellus. Needed it. Sought it for days. Dreaded it.

Felt concerns lifting, felt worry ease. He had said nothing yet. I had said nothing. Others in room spoke. Interrupted an unknown conversation but listening was elating.

The others treat him cruelly. Perceive senility, infirmity. Think him puppet that needs strings pulled. Fragile treasure to be locked away. Wrong. All of them. Despite age, he is keen. Full of ideas and faculties to calculate them. Despite age, enthusiastic--tired and old only in body, not in mind or spirit.

Never been more inspired in my life.

Then, just us two. Asked him question that flummoxed me, cursed me. His answer not much different from others. Still: more relief. Did not understand at first why. His answer was not satisfying, did not present a logical solution. Answer was more response that left question unanswered. Yet, still, good enough. An acceptable answer.

"One cannot solve for the heart--it must be felt within."

What, then? Did I feel?

He had no answer. But he recognized the question. Its validity, importance.

Fellowship.

Felt fellowship in recognizing a wrong.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Crushing Despair

Most data nonsentient. Most data don't exercise agency. Most data not self-aware of own existence.

Number does not choose what number it is. Fact does not change what truth it is.

Reality cruel, agency and power exist in so few things. But even living, thinking things have less control than they should.

Butcher knew the right, smart things but forced to make errors, nonoptimal decisions, mistakes. How many times he want to do something else? How many times he want to be somewhere else?

He knew this. Hope that, at least, comforting.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Owl's Wisdom

Could be trick. Anything can be trick.

But fondness probably natural reaction to someone opening up to you?

Caught of guard. Unexpected. He answered questions that did not know wanted answered, questions that would have been fine unanswered. What I learned elicited elation similar to conversation with Marcellus. Vindication and camaraderie in doubt.

If trick, if ploy, could be easy to turn tables. Could be easy to take what was told, use against him.

Despite all fun, interest, riddle of political machinations. Don't want to ruin him bearing himself to me.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Haste

One day left. Same rush as before. Data. Rumours. Factions. People. Putting it all together. Formulating calculations. Making predictions to determine best course of action.

Not even me running. Still fun. Exciting. Intriguing. Help where I can. Use dinari where sensible.

No regrets. Offers of help for Voices given to those I trust. To some degree. All meet minimum standard. Some standards lower than others. Ultimately, would not help if did not think them deserving.

No guarantees. Of course. But don't seek any. They are free people. Respecting their decisions another thing they deserve. Plus, votes cannot be bought. Even if promises made, anyone can break them at last split second. All it takes is moment of whimsy. And closed voting booth door. Or just random button mashing.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Alter Self

Didn't need my help. He won by large, impressive margin. My work generated approximately five, six votes.

But still fun. Each new thing learned invigorating.

But so much to learn. Much to contemplate. How do I do what he did? Is learning everything enough?

Each election that passes makes me feel small, stupid. Then those feelings overcome by want of vindication.

Countdown to next election already begun. Many things to consider. Options vast. Also possibly limited by social pressure if current state of things continue.

Maybe not enough time.

Implementation of new name showing good progress. How people react interesting; hint at their true perspective. Some still use "Boops", but out of familiarity? Disdain? And those who use "Beatrice", out of respect? Relief?

Was asked if "Boops" was real name. Does not matter. Name decided by those who hold them. Whatever call self always real. "Beatrice" good name. Already very good monikers coined by others.

Aurelio asked deep question.

Why do I want to become Legate? Question touches many parts of who I am. Answer provided was practical, personal, philosophical. A good, deep question. But think Aurelio's take away was shallow answer. First thing that came to his mind tainted every word I said after.

Frustrating. But not surprising. Reminder that others have different mindset than me. Hopefully Aurelio re-evaluates in future.

[yaaaaay]

Scrawled on the margins of a Scroll of Endurance

Feels odd. When others speak as if I am the experiment. Evaluating numbers. Tweaking variables. So used being the one who tweaks, adjusts the numbers. Mustn't forget that the experimenter affects the experiment. Experimenter is an experiment.

Almost cringed, winced, when others spoke of me, despite visible presence. A tool to be moved about the table, worked upon material, gadgets, gizmos. But no reason to interpret as insult. The hand that drives the wrench, the mind that puts it into place, extension of the people that seek to build.

Feel better this time. Time feels short but, objectively, have fair amount. Planned from the beginning this time. Previously, inspired into impulsivity. Now I can plan better. Others can plan better. Hopefully all plans align. Or at least parallel without intersecting collisions.

Can't forget: as I observe, so am I observed. Disarming, when others speak of me, to me. Noting things about me. How others react to me. But good, it is all feedback. Important data. Bashir. Domhnall. Hu. Ironjaw. Many others. Nothing more jarring, nothing so strongly reminds of existence in the world--sharing in the grand experiment that is reality--than their kindness.