The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 12th, IY 7788

Now there's two guys obsessed with "fish saws", except this new guy already has two of them! Nothing about the duo makes sense, which makes sense, considering that the fish saws don't make any sense. I think they call that a transitive quality... Who "they" are, I don't really know. Anyhow, the fish saw is a katana, so it isn't a saw. It kind of has teeth, I suppose... Also, it's not for sawing fish...? I mean, that depends on whom I ask, because some say it's for sawing fish, some say it's for sawing sibilant, some say it's called that because it came from a sawfish?

If it's for sibilant, then that doesn't make any sense, because those are lizards... Unless someone is claiming that the sibilant and tritons and other fishfolk are related...? And that'd just be wild... It's one of those theories that even academicks would laugh at, and they don't tend to laugh a lot, because they're boring people!

Anyhow, this new guy's name is Johnny Blades, and he's much better looking than Sharkboy, and he's also far less socially awkward, and much more likeable, and... Okay, I'm being mean, but that Sharkboy really could use some help... especially from a dentist! Now, the duo are friends... Kind of...? It was a bit sudden. I thought that they were going to kiss! I mean, they were hugging so much, and when it's so sudden, that's what that usually leads to. For me, anyhow.

Jaecop's still going on about slugs, too! At least he won't find a slug saw...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 13th, IY 7788

The trouble with being famous is that a lot of folk want your autograph! But I don't want to give it... It gives off the impression that my name is more important than that of others, which it isn't! Sure, it's much prettier than most names, even though I still hate my surname, and I really should've changed it like a decade ago, but the only hope for change regarding it at this point is to get married! Maybe I can meet someone on my vacation...? A fey prince...?

Also, some folk want your autograph for unscrupulous reasons... Like, there was that time this guy thought that I was Dölgöön, the Comeliest Duckherd, and he wanted my autograph, and I gave it because I kind of was running away from another town at the time, so I had to have some kind of cover, anyhow, turns out that it was a scam and the paper I signed was actually a folded-up contract! Thankfully for Dölgöön, the Comeliest Duckherd, our handwriting didn't look anything alike!

Anyhow... There's talk of new leagues, but as far as I know, they all only have only one member, each...? I also don't know if they have any tenets... It's weird.

What should I pack for my vacation...? That's always the hardest part! I don't know how many different perfumes I should have... I have my morning perfumes, and my evening perfumes, but carrying them around is a lot of hassle, so, I think I'll just take one for each day! I'll of course pack a tiny blanket and pillow, so that Tonka can sleep in my backpack! A lot of refreshing mango drinks, alongside my eternal ice cube! Oh... I actually have a good idea of what I should take... It's much harder to know what you shouldn't!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 14th, IY 7788

Nothing much happened today... Nothing I care about, anyhow! Except for these sick birds that I kept running into... They sounded like they were going to drop dead, any minute! A real sore throat... Their singing sounded simply dreadful! But nobody told me if they can have cough medicine! Just some pedantry about coughing being a symptom, not the cause... Pedantry is the cause of me walking away!

Nobody's even wished me a fun vacation! That's so rude! I always give my best wishes to everybody... Except people that I don't like... Which is a lot of folk around here! But you'd think at least someone would've shown some grace!

Oh, and Shum's studying how to be more assertive, or bossy, whichever, so that he can get a promotion! I think he deserves it, already, without any changes to his personality... Though he really should exercise more, because he can barely make it to the top of the Mount! I think the Nadiri that deserves a promotion the most, though, is Lucian! I've recommended him for Zenithar about a gadjillion badjillion times, but nobody ever listens... I'm just going to keep doing that, until they do promote him!

I also kind of tried briefing Jaecop on the Assembly, but... It's kind of impossible? Something weird always happens... It's a force of lunacy that cannot be contained!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 15th, IY 7788

It feels good to be on the road! Even though so far, it involves a lot of hiding and skulking, from gobs, hobgobs, buggobs and gobgobs... At least Tonka can smell them before they smell us. I think gobs stink so bad that they can't smell much else!

We decided to head towards Al-Nafura, first! Some good memories, here... Well, they're kind of stained, now, I suppose. Still, it seems like a proper place to search for hints about Fairyland! A mysterious oasis, full of mysterious... mystery... Anyhow, as for Mount Prism, I've never seen gobs around here, so it's probably not anywhere near here! I guess they could be hiding in underground tunnels...? Maybe it's an underground mountain. I think those exist...? I think so, anyhow. Fairyland seems more likely, still.

So far, there haven't been any good leads... There's these kids, and they keep climbing around on everything, like tiny little monkeys, but that's just kid stuff... They should be more careful, though! I'm not sure where their parents are... Probably one of the caravans. Folk really should look after their rugrats, especially around here! But supposedly, some fae look after kids, so, maybe that's the reason they're just fine...? Then again, other fae lead them towards danger... Supposedly. Fae are real curious! There's some rules to it all, but they're not really like people rules...

Anyhow, it's very pleasant here... There's a cool breeze, and so far, there's far less crazy folk than in the Well! I should take a vacation more often!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 16th, IY 7788

So, we didn't really find much of note in Al-Nafura, but it was still nice to see it again! Leaving the oasis behind, we headed towards Spring's Gift... and that's where we are, now! Well, outside it, really. These elves don't let anyone else in there, not even me, or Tonka, or Inky, and we're famous! But you don't get everything with fame... In fact, you get a lot of shit, really!

Anyhow, it's nice here.

I don't really know how to look for leads, though...? If I ask too many questions, that'll just annoy the elves, because a lot of folk ask too many questions from them... So, I kind of don't feel like asking any questions, just to be sure. Then again, just sitting around here, all quiet, probably looks real suspicious, and I don't think that the abundant innocence that flows outwards from my beautiful being is enough to counter that!

Oh, one of the elves asked me if he could pet Tonka. I said yes!

Tonka really liked it! So did the elf!

Anyhow... The problem here is that if Fairyland is hidden inside the Spring, then I can't really go there, and I can't really even find that out, unless I somehow make certain that no other place is the answer, because I can't just ask Spring Elves, well, I can ask, but why would anyone admit it...? This is so much work!

Mount Prism isn't here for certain, though. But I already knew that!

I should've bought one of those transmogry potions! If I looked like an elf, maybe they'd let me in! Wait... I think the Spring would just reject me...?

Oh, well... Even if we don't find anything, it's still real nice to have some time to myself!

Oh! The folk on the road, so far...? None of them like Inky! In fact, they're quite disgusted at the sight! They stick their tongues out, like "ble

THE REVULSION IS MUTUAL, THOUGH MINE IS FAR MORE EMBEDDED IN PURPOSE! WHAT THEY HOLD IS FINITE AND FLEETING, WHILE MINE DISGUST SHALL STAND ETERNAL!

I'm sure that it will!

Anyhow... —urgh"! That's how they sound like! "Bleurgh"! Probably because some of them vomited! Though I'm not sure if that was due to Inky, or food poisoning...? Some folk on the road can't even cook a sausage! Even though you just stick it over the campfire! That's all you do! Some folk are so weird!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 17th, IY 7788

Kulkund's awful! We don't have much else to say! The weather's awful, it's real cold, and there's just a bunch of moldy ol' caves around, and rickety bridges that could fall off at any moment!

I never got that... "That" being the fact that dwarves just dig some cave in a mountainside, and that's supposed to be the apex of civilization...? Who wants to live in a stinky ol' cave?! I sure don't! I guess I can't throw stones, though, because my ancestors just dug their hovels into hills, instead... But a grassy knoll is much nicer than some cold mountain! Much more colorful, too... More colorful than the mountains dwarves tend to choose, anyway. It's all gray, with some white on the top! Pick a more colorful mountain!

Now, the problem is that Kulkund is a pretty suitable place for both Fairyland and Mount Prism... But we sure as hell aren't going to search for it on our lonesome! It's too dangerous there!

Oh, right. We already left! We're headed off to Frostport... We're taking the ship, the ship with the "Absolutely No Pirates" guarantee! You get your money back if there's pirates... I'd say that's a pretty good deal, and I am saying it right now and here!

Now, Frostport's as cold as a snow elf's demeanor, or their britches, but it's still far more pleasant than Kulkund, because you can just stay indoors and enjoy a nice fire, and look at the snowflakes drifting against your window... One day, I'll share all of that with my handsome husband! Who just happens to be the third thing that I am searching for on this journey!

Who knows, maybe one of those fey elves won't be that arrogant and plain ol' mean...? I guess there's not too big of a chance of that, but it's still fun to dream... Anyhow, with the supposed fey affluence in Frostport... oh, I guess I mean influence? They kind of have both? Fey tend to be real rich? Anyhow, with the supposed fey affluence and/or influence in Frostport, it's one of the more likely places to host either Fairyland itself, or an entrance to it! I'll have to ask the locals about it!

Which might be hard, actually, because I'm pretty sure that they're real fucking scared of the fey!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 18th, IY 7788

We've spent most of today indoors... It's just so nice and toasty! We did visit the market, though... It's mostly just fish and hides. I bought some for Tonka! Some fish, that is, the hides are all too big for her... and me!

There's not much progress with the investigation... Much as I thought, folk don't really like talking about the fey. There's also the fact that I have a lot of fans in Frostport, so, they mostly just want to talk about my books, instead. Which is totally fine... But it makes me feel a bit guilty for not writing a third one! Yet you can't force art... Even if it's trashy art!

I think I kind of wrote myself into a corner by having the two marry already... I mean, some of the fans pointed that out, too, like, if they're married, why aren't there more intense love scenes...? And well, it's a detective novelette, I can't have them boinking all the time, there has to be some mystery, too, but I think that a lot of boinking is exactly what would happen if I was going for realism...?

Anyhow... Our room is very nice! It's pretty much designed for spending all day in it... So warm, especially the bedding! There's even a bookcase, filled from top to bottom with books! The problem with that is that I have to clean all the Inky residue off them after they get done reading... I would be disgusted, if I hadn't been doing this for nearly a year, or so. Time goes by so quickly...

I GIVE MINESELF TO THE WORLD, EVEN IF IT MAY NOT APPRECIATE SUCH.

You're such a diva! Now... We're probably staying in Frostport for a while longer, simply because it's just so nice here! I was thinking of the Immolation, for tomorrow, but... Well, it's a big ol' volcano, and I think I've had enough of those, for quite some time. Also, it's too near to Qa'im! Well, I'm pretty sure it belongs to Qa'im... So, that's a big ol' "no"! We did consider the Edutu and Bel-Ishün, too, and Inky was especially excited to see them, but there's too many risks involved and I think those river dolphins might be a little too weird for Tonka, since she's still so young. I mean, I don't think any dolphin should have a beak like that!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 19th, IY 7788

My vacation's over! It's so awful... I wish it had been double the length! I also wish that I could've visited Alkab, too... But maybe there's not much to see downtown...? Maybe it's just a bunch of Kulamet praying, all the time... But I'd still enjoy a stroll through the bountiful fields!

I bought some cherimoya on the way back... I wish I had bought more, because it was so tasty! But I just kind of ate all of it... I wish I had some left to share! I get very wishful after I'm all out of fun...

While I was gone, a bunch of weird stuff happened, which isn't really that surprising... But what is, is that apparently, Aaisha left for Baz'eel! And now they're thinking of making me the DCS...? I didn't see that coming at all! It'll be a ton of responsibility! I'll have to think a lot on how to make things as efficient as possible, yet also less stressful, for my colleagues...

Maybe I should just stock the office with refreshing mango drinks, and buy a couch or two...? I know I'd like that! But that's just a little... There has to be more! I'll be brainstorming for ideas... Why do they call it brainstorming, anyhow? Maybe because it just gives you a big ol' headache, most of the time... Oh! Maybe we can get some cherimoya, too! Maybe this is just too many maybes...

I really hope that I can do a good job, though!

Oh! There's just one big ol' problem! Well, I thought that it would be big, but... Anyhow, we forgot to take Magnifica along for the trip! I feel so bad about it, but... She kind of just got into the sack of chicky feed and she seems just fine...? Like, completely fine. She's a bit chubbier, which is troubling, because she already was a massive ol' hen! I knew I forgot something... Oh well, it's all okay, in the end. I think.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 20th, IY 7788

It's so weird not having Aaisha around! And now my colleagues call me "boss" and such... Well, some of them were already saying that, but now it's most... I'm not sure if I like it, or not! There really is a ton of responsibility... Now I have lecture Scribes on the dangers of the Stacks! I'm not sure if I can handle that as well as Aaisha...? There's so many hazards there, and probably some strange magickal critters that I don't even know about!

Anyhow... There was a tournament... It was so exciting! What I didn't like, however, was the dragon mascot! I thought that it was a real dragonman, at first! I was so scared! I don't like dragonmen... or dragonfolk... Unless it's a whimsical fairy dragon...man... On closer look, however, the mascot's outfit was so terribly made, and they even paid 5000 dinar for it! That's way too much for such garbage! I could've done a far better job, for far less... Though, if you paid me 5000 dinar, I would either make it so realistic that everyone'd be like, so scared, or I'd make it so cute, that they'd... titubate? I don't know. I just kind of giggle at cute stuffs and things!

Ash was the tournament's champion! Oh, Asherias. Not literal ash. That'd just be silly! I wish I could've made something special as a prize, but I was asked about it so late... I can't work under such strenuous circumstances! I need at least one refreshing mango drink, a week, Inky's help with the paperwork, because all these fabrics have different prices and I can't keep track of all those numbers... Oh, and Tonka, of course! She's my muse!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 21st, IY 7788

I heard tale of the Isle of Cute Boys! I'm not sure if that's an actual place... or the actual name for it... But if it exists, it's a place I should be at, this very instant!

Anyhow... Carrot's invited a lot of folk to his housewarming party! It'll be the party of the century... The trouble with that, is that now everybody needs a suit, and my shipments are so late, again! I could be making a Lot of Money... But instead, I'm just kind of stuck, moaning about my late shipments to everyone. It stinks! I could use that money... for good deeds, and such! And perfume... Lately, I've really liked perfumes with dates as one of the middle notes! I love dates! I'd love a date with dates... I mean, a date with them as snacks. I wouldn't date a date... They're kind of one of the ugliest of fruits...? They smell real nice, though!

Manta has a chef's outfit... It's curious, because it's black! Most chefs I know wear white... I wonder if he's breaking some sacred code by donning it...? Maybe... I hope that the chef cabal doesn't go after him. Otherwise, I like it... I guess it's kind of avant garde to reverse the color...? At least the colors go together, unlike the red hat that Jamileh was trying on... It was a pirate hat, so, it naturally came with an eyepatch. I've already stated my opinion on wearing eyepatches just for the sake of fashion... It's a faux pas! It's horrible! Don't do it!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 22nd, IY 7788

Carrot has a magickal bucket, but he doesn't take good care of it! He just leaves it laying around... Some unscrupulous bucket thief could claim it any moment! If I had a magickal bucket, I would treat it like my most prized... well, probably like my... seventh most prized possession. You can do a lot of things with a bucket, and if it's magickal, then that's all multiplied!

Granted, the magickal power of Carrot's bucket is just that it floats a few inches from the ground... which I haven't thought many uses for. I guess you could save money with it, because you don't need to buy a... really low table...?

Anyhow... Manta taught me and Eclair how to make tart! Now I can show all those jerks that called me a "fruity tart" that I'm far more than that, because I can make fruity tarts, now! Take that! Anyhow, baking's a lot of fun, but sometimes the strange magicks of the Well get in the way... Well, I think so, anyhow, I can't be that bad of a chef, or baker, that I end up making stuff that makes no sense...? I mean, if it was a lack of talent, then I'd just burn stuff...

Maybe I should become a maître pâtissier...? It'd certainly pay really well! Then again, I already have so many labors, and so many jobs, and so many hobbies, that maybe it'd be just way too much... There'd be no time to relax! I'd still love to bake for myself and friends, though. How many hobbies is too much...? Is baking a hobby...? Cooking really isn't, because you have to eat! But then again, there's restaurants... Does that turn it into a hobby...? I don't know, and it probably doesn't matter, you should just do stuffs and things without worrying about what folk categorize them as!

Unless they're really, really, really boring things, then you shouldn't do them, obviously!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 23rd, IY 7788

We went to Al-Nafura, again! We didn't really uncover any mysteries... But Zol Nur did fly! Well, kind of, he floated really high off the ground... which is still more than most folk can do! I wouldn't settle for floating, myself, because it just means that jealous folk could easily throw rocks at you, unlike flying, which would be way too fast for such burdened souls! Jealousy weighs a lot!

Other than that, it was a quiet day... I helped with making a perfect gift for Shum! And no, it's not extra safe dancing shoes... Though it kind of dances on its own, I guess. Thankfully, it's just one dance, with no resemblance to the shuffle!

Also, Eclair's real sleepy, lately... She keeps falling asleep standing up! I think Naelin's a bad influence on her... in more ways than one! I have to yell really loud to wake her up, and then she pretends that she was awake the whole time! That's granny behavior! But she says that she isn't that old... I don't get humans, or their strange aging! Anyhow, if you're going to sleep in public, then you should do it in a rocking chair, because then the rocking will protect you from would-be thieves, who'll yelp real loud when their foot gets stuck underneath!

Everyone keeps asking about my shipments... But I don't want to be a bother! I don't like getting letters telling me to hurry it up with my own job, so why would I do that to someone else...? I'm just going to wait!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 24th, IY 7788

I'm never taking any of my monkey friends to the Krak, ever again! It was so fucked up, that I'll have nightmares for weeks... What is wrong with some people...?

Anyhow, the Purple meeting was taking so long, that I caught Eclair sleeping outside! Thankfully, she woke up, and we took a close look at everything the Palm Heights have to offer... And I do mean everything, because that meeting took forever, so, I ended up keeping her company for a long time! I don't mind, because I really like Eclair!

We noticed a bunch of things... There's at least three different kinds of palms in the Heights! One of them might have dates... Again, the fruit. I don't know if I'd have a date on a palm... Doesn't seem like there's much space... Maybe if it was a real big one, and my date was about my size! Then it would be no problem at all! Oh, what else...? Oh, there's a bunch of these wooden boxes around, and we couldn't figure out what they're for. Either trash or compost...? Oh, and there's a bunch of lewd ladies! Not real ones... Well, they're real, just in sculpted form!

The strangest thing of all, however, was Eclair bathing right in that fountain there! In her armor! She just walked right dab into the middle, and stood there while the water streamed all over her! It was so weird... She said that she did that because it was too hot! I guess heatstroke makes folk do strange things... I told Rhuk Nor about it! Well, I told everyone at the Purple meeting about it... but Rhuk Nor was the only one to show up, and he said that Eclair's banned from that fountain from now on! I didn't really want that to happen, I just wanted everyone to know what a weird thing she did...

Later on, there was a tournament at the Krak! Manta had made a bunch of tasty treats... I ate too much, and my tummy was so full... I kind of lost track of what was going on with the fights...? I mean, they were real confusing to begin with, because they redid a few, because people weren't paying attention, or something like that, but all that sugar in me didn't help either! I was so tired... I'm not even sure who won...? I think it was a Modini... Or two Modini... I can only remember two guys with funny accents making a deal about the prize money...

Thankfully, I had some noomi basra before bed, and my tummy was saved! Hooray!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 25th, IY 7788

Mock trials are a great deal of fun! I even got to be the judge! Well, it  was pretty much just because the original mock judge didn't show up... Still, I think I did a pretty good job! I even improvised a little, well, a lot, and gave my judge some personality! So, I made him an ol' country judge... If I knew beforehand that I'd be playing an ol' country judge, then I would've loaned someone's dog! One of those sleepy-eyed ones!

Ekmel had prepared a proper murder mystery! One of those where all the pieces slowly come together over time! It was so intriguing, uncovering the whole truth as the trial went on... Though Ekmel says that he'll reveal the truth later! I don't know what could possibly complicate it even more...?

Some jerk kept yawning and snoring and such! They better have been acting! If it had been a real trial, Orton would've walloped the fool's family jewels into dust!

Also, I got so into my role, that I yelled for a mint drink, and Tavitkh actually made me one... I was so embarassed! The drink was tasty, and very, very, very refreshing, though!

Anyhow... All in all, Ekmel had done such an impressive job with organizing the entire affair, that I promoted him on the spot! It's good to have actually competent people like him and Jaecop for a change... well, we've had competent folk before, of course, it's just that they disappear within a week! Probably eaten by the Stack Spectre... which, despite its name, isn't an actual spectre! Or maybe they just find out that you have to actually work around here, and then they run off to some community of lazy bums, and die of starvation because everyone's far too lazy to procure food!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 26th, IY 7788

Mirkka took the next step on her path towards the Meet-a-Brew! This time, she drank a lot of speed brews... And I thought that I drink too much coffee! She was twitching... everywhere! Even her eye and ears and her hair and... well, just every part of her was convulsing! And after her curious vision, she was moving faster than ever before, and now, she even has a colorful trail of pure energy following in her wake!

The most curious thing about this, however? Even after doing all that, she was nowhere near as fast as Richo! The blessings of Warad must go far beyond even the strongest of brews! Which makes sense... divinity, and all.

Now, that creepy necromancer had left a bunch of notes and undead laying about the valley. I didn't really understand any of it... Neither the notes, nor the zombies! I think it's very rude to interrupt sacred traditions like that! I hope he chokes on a chicken bone!

All these brew rituals have me thinking... Could I drink a lot of something to acquire wondrous powers, too? Maybe if I drink a hundred refreshing mango drinks in one go, I'll reach a state of refreshment so cozy, that I'll be able to... levitate...? I don't know, seems like monks are always doing stuff like that... or maybe I'll just learn a really neat jump kick! Yeah! It'll explode into a burst of mangoful color! Great for self-defense, and entertainment!