Aseph's Orderly Journal

[CoffeeBean]

Journal entry 1
Order in All Things
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I must confess that there has been an issue of late- that I have been neglectful in adhering to the principles of my own philosophy, and for reasons I did not expect. It has been my enjoyment for my work that has cause these issues, for I have been focusing far too much upon my duties as a Janissary and not enough oh myself- thus, resulting in a temporary imbalance within my life. While I love tending to my duties and working with my fellow soldiers, this imbalance will cause only suffering should I continue to indulge myself. It is through order in all things do we find peace within ourselves- that our suffering is prevented.
As such, I will be taking a slight step back from my work and make enough time for myself - after all, my fellow soldiers are quite capable. I can trust them to pick up on my slight slack.

[CoffeeBean]

It is concerning to me- that I would not feel anything at the passing of my friend, mentor, and commanding officer Joachim. But here are, I feel the same as did five days ago.

I don't even feel angry, like I expected I might. So I wonder if this what the world does men and woman- that we become so used to death we won't bat an eye at it.

[CoffeeBean]

Joachim, Averroes, Colmes, Johan-- and countless other names; other faces. Lost to time, lost to me. Now just names etched into history as events move forward.

It feels like I'm swimming in a sea of new faces I don't recognize. And at times it doesn't feel real.

[CoffeeBean]

Before I mentioned that I was concerned about a lack of feeling. But now I see that was a bit hasty in that judgement-

It seems not everyone takes grief the same way. For some, it hits all at once- for others, it a slow creeping feeling that settles in your heart. It doesn't feel like mourning- no, instead it feels like a weighted emptiness.

[CoffeeBean]

:: A new journal to replaced the old, the previous having been given away to an old master found along the path ::

Today a master on the manyfold path gave me great words of wisdom- A gift that I shall cherish deeply. He told me that he sensed pain in my heart and that my strength was shackled by chaos- and I believe I understand what he means.

Many nights ago, I wrote into a book that with the three pillars of strength one could gain peace within themselves through order- that without strength, chaos would reign and cause suffering. Then, in the lessons of misfortune, I wrote that life would take those who we cherish without mercy nor warning. That you should not "cling to the memory of what has been lost nor lament the things you did not yet do. Instead, accept that it is gone and move forward. Learn from that loss and improve yourself with it." Yet, I carry the pain of losing my friends to time- it is time I let them go.

[CoffeeBean]

::A letter tucked into the journal's pages::

Hide

Averroes, Joachim

Those days when it was us, Johan, and Colmes were great days. They are among my fondest memories which I will keep close to my heart-- However, I cannot carry your ghosts any longer. It is time for me to leave you both behind while I continue down my own path. I'm sure that one day we'll meet again, and I look forward to telling you both how I lived.

Your friend,
Ferric.

[close]

[CoffeeBean]

I do not believe I am a good person. I have done some good deeds and fewer bad, but I do not believe that is what determines ones' morality. It is less what you do and more where you draw certain lines between what you are and aren't willing to do. And in my case, there are very few lines I will not cross to maintain order.

[CoffeeBean]

All of my former Janissary are gone now- that much I have accepted. However, I feel as I carry with me a part of each of them;

Colmes' distrustful nature.
Amenya's kindness.
Joachim's rigid approach.
and Averroes' independence.

So I began to wonder, what will I leave behind to those who survive me?
Who will I leave behind after my path has ended?

[CoffeeBean]

"The man who never is wrong, is the fool who never learns"

It would be a disservice to the path I have walked to blindly cling to the ideas I have espoused. I believe that most things I have written down in the Ideals of Strength to be in some part wrong or misguided. It was my belief that one would simply gain strength enough to force order into place and hold it together- but I was wrong. So I must start again: What is Order?

Order is harmony. Everything is in its place-- Everything is controlled. It is the end to the many-fold path of enlightenment. I believe that I understand very little- that the path I have walked so far was merely a single step forward. I cannot know order if it isn't within myself, so I must seek "strength"- or more accurately, I must seek mastery of self. Only when I have embraced order within all parts of me, will I then have taken another step closer to understanding the Order of everything.

[CoffeeBean]

A large part of why my original assumptions of order and strength are not satisfactory, is due to the role of chaos. In my workings I state that only through strength can one maintain order, however, there is a slight problem with that line of thinking. The body and mind cannot be tested without chaos, and thus, cannot grow strong without exposure to it, and it only grows more complicated from there.

During my time as a Janissary, I have noticed that strength, in of itself, does not always solve problems in a way that maintains order- sometimes it requires a lack of strength and more a show of wisdom or cunning. Even chaotic actions have a place in the maintaining of order it seems, and I hypothesize that this applies to the greater reality of the world- that chaos and law play equal parts in order.

Thus, I must start over. Not just with how I view the maintaining of order, but also with my training in self mastery. For this end, I believe I must fast.

[CoffeeBean]

What a day- the discovery of a Qa'im observation drone within the twilight temple was not something I ever expected.

Mari, the poor fool. I expect she kept the drone for her own reason- likely nothing having to do with Qa'im.

Still, she has a better end than many could ask for. And I do hope, despite everything, that she found rest with her god.