A Leaf-Bound Journal

[MAGIC]

I knew that some of my kin would not understand my decision. I knew that some would disagree with it. But I took comfort in knowing that they would still love me. Quendi and Brennoes and Iorwen still love me. They are sad and ask when I will come back to them, but they do not hate me for it.

It helps to know that they do not hate me. That they still welcome my visits.

I took comfort in that.

I was not prepared for the scorn. I was not prepared to be shunned and ignored and judged like this.

[MAGIC]

I had a dream.

Some of my memories are strange. I do not remember all things clearly. I have forgotten things entirely. Having bits of your mind eaten will do that, I guess.

The amber helps. I clutch it tightly at night. It helps me remember.

This dream was a memory. An old one. One of the earliest. Those young days of wonder when we awoke in the Spring.

I remember these days, but in my dream it was all cast in strangeness and mystery. We wore masks and I could not see us for our faces. We did not have names yet.

I think I know what it means. I think I know what I can do with this revelation. It will be a good thing. A bright and wonderful thing born into this world.

[MAGIC]

Vestibule and Vestigial.

One leads to a grander place. The other is something forgotten, left behind.

One must step over a threshold to cross from one space to another. From a natural space to a sacred space.

One must create a threshold if none exists.

I grasped the rose by the stem. Felt the thorns dig into my skin. It pierced and raked the flesh. I wonder if she welcomed the knives? Maybe the pain would help me understand. Maybe if I brought my flesh in equilibrium with my heart and my spirit, even in their tumultuous state, I might come to comprehend some cosmic truth?

Maybe I have. It was a brief and flitting thing, the pain. But for a moment I felt whole.



N
The 17th day of the 10th month of 7788

[MAGIC]

The Bronze War
The Union's Course to Bet Neppahi
The Scalding

Subat 10 7788

[MAGIC]

Bashir Khatara and Tonka
Comissioned by Jaecop de Clercq
Subat 16 7788

[MAGIC]

Untitled
Subat 17 7788

[MAGIC]

Ithelred is dead. He has been brought back to the Spring by his kinband.

He looked at everything I did and said with contempt. With every breath he called me a liar and a serpent. But I did not feel anything for him but pity and love.

Did I do enough to help them? Could I have done more?

It was so long ago when I left the Spring with Joriel and Miwindel. We had no visions. All we had were our concerns born from the signs that we saw.

I think about where I buried Miwindel. I try not to think about it most of the time but sometimes I do. Those last days with her when she was dying and the cruel things she said. I know that wasn't her. That was the sickness.

I couldn't help her. I couldn't heal her. All I could do was be there for her.

All I could do was take on the role of the Mother and hold her and weep for her.

I try to keep those thoughts inside.

My work continues.


N
The 23rd day of the 11th month of 7788