Star Witch Estellise's Diary of Hopes and Dreams

[cmenden]

Tesrin Hray 19th, IY 7787

Her explanation, if anything, just made it worse.

She wanted to hurt me. She wished to make me feel pain. She succeeded, but not in the way she thinks. I care about my doll collection, but I don't value dolls more than people. If I could burn the cabinet to ash and Mote would walk out and call me "Leese", I would do it in a moment.

The dolls would cheer me on even. They exist to bring joy to people. Even the dolls Mae kills are willing to accept their fate if it brings her some measure of comfort and happiness.

She succeeded at her goal. I am hurt because I trusted her. I always trust her and she always hurts me.

The difference between us is that when I hurt her, it is by accident, often while I'm trying to help her. I want my friend to feel less sad, so I try to fix things for her.

When she hurts me, it's because she wants me to feel pain. It is an intentional and vicious thing. She takes my love and responds with hatred.

She tells me to not talk about her. She tells me to not interfere in her life.

Fine. I will give her what she wants. I'll be in pain and I'll also leave her alone. She always gets everything she wants and it's never enough for her.

I let myself sleep next to her, where she could kill me at any time. I've stored my most precious things where only she could reach because I knew they'd be safe there. I've told her things I would never tell any other person.

It's NEVER enough for her.

How could she be so cruel?

She was supposed to be a place of safety for me.

[cmenden]

Tesrin Hray 24th, IY 7787

"By the time you realize it will be too late?" Hardly.

My research had reached a plateau ages ago and you have gouged three new handholds in the cliff face.

The story up until this point was just the prologue and now the true story begins in earnest.

In case you cannot tell, I am elated.

Your boldest piece continues to impress but I think she may have committed her first error, and I mean to capitalize upon it. In a tower of wizards who think only of hard power, I alone understand the value of soft power.

What was done to the Legate is not soft power. What was done was a direct challenge to my desire to see the Well in balance, a requirement of preventing the Ephia's Well Disaster.

I see three paths before us and all three of them I can handle with ease. In all three paths, her actions are laid bare and raise suspicion and fear of the Priory.

And as always, I will be there to help remind people not to be overly harsh. The Priory means well, but the newly raised Sisters were overeager. They feared that Domhnall was a Tower puppet because of the licenses.

If I may pause my excitement for a moment and write candidly to you, was it really all done for want of Archaeology Licenses?

I care little for these licenses except as a tool to trip up others. I do not know how one little piece of paper can cause people to fly into a spitting rage, but it has proven a powerful tool for Fatespinning.

We handled Divination licenses so elegantly, you and I. If only everyone were like us. I respect Master Oro a lot but you're my

I suppose I've answered my own question in writing out my thoughts. Divination is an elegant, sublime practice. Archaeologists dig around in the mud for dinars and are like the foolish children they seek to emulate.

In any case, thank you for granting me this. Our game to come shall be a thing spoken of in whispers for centuries.

I'm slightly embarrassed at how much I wrote. I drank too much wine, but I hope it's not too noticeable. Forgive me, but I was in a celebratory mood.

[cmenden]

Tesrin Hray 27th, IY 7787

These new moves are the most interesting yet.

I presumed a desire to be perceived as kind, demure, humble (and most importantly, unassuming) was always the goal.

Throwing caution to the wind and allowing your order to be perceived as manipulative and unnerving, to court fear rather than love is... unexpected and seems to be working well. People are actually growing more nervous to share details rather than less. Well done.

Bringing Narwen in was also an interesting way to handle things. She's not really someone I think of as particularly "Priory"-ish. Do the mysteries of the Craniach intrigue you so much that you will gamble upon her?

All this talk of war lately makes me so weary. Who cares about the sibilants, the thousand clans, and Qa'im?

THIS is the only battle that matters to me. The game between YOU and ME.

[cmenden]

Kanön Hray 2nd, IY 7787

When someone passes a law making it a capital crime to damage shrines, then they shouldn't be surprised when the people turn their weapons upon the priests instead.

Break a religious brazier or an altar and it's death!

Punch or stab Mari Blacke? Minor crime!

Break every bone in her body? Serious crime!

It's not how I would choose to do things, satisfying or not, as I am a Fatespinner. However, I feel that this law's passing was somewhat myopic.

I despise her so much. Why is she so popular among the Balladeers and Sisters? She is not a useful ally. Her heresy is irritating. She is useless useless useless useless useless! She just EXISTS in all her smarmy, arrogant glory. The future is clear that if she is allowed to take power, the results would be disastrous! You can see the future even better than I can, so WHY would you allow this?

Is this the move that dwells in your heart?

You know I must counter it, right?

I refuse to believe that you like or see value in this woman. No one I respect so much would.

[cmenden]

Kanön Hray 8th, IY 7787

I was initially very excited but now I'm just growing restless.

Are they going to do anything at all?

An invitation to the coffee shop to talk about Velan Volandis novels? I have never been so disappointed in my life.

What was I expecting? Betrayed by the Torchbearers, they still went into the Depths with them. Have I misjudged the Sisters?

I go out of my way to change the course of events, but if their design is just to accept the future as immutable, and wait for it to occur, is this approach not what is to be expected?

Does this explain how all their acts have been to undo our own works? They do not wish for the licenses, they only wish to stifle change.

They stole the meteor fragment and refused to listen to the Legate's orders to cooperate. Even now, they go out of their way to hide important security details from my Apprentices, to keep them out of meetings, so they can protect the city alone.

What reason have they to fear my Apprentices or me? They hold all the power and influence by virtue of being completely uninteresting, unassuming, asking for nothing, and doing nothing.

One could argue that they are doing plenty and it is concealed, but at that point, who cares?

If I dig a hole in the ground, bury a ring in it, and immediately fill it in with dirt, I cannot sit and smirk knowingly at the first traveler to come along. "I know something you don't."

From the traveler's perspective, nothing has occurred. It matters little that a ring is beneath his feet. It is intrigue for the sake of intrigue and why I despise the Gellemedes of this place.

I will save this place from the Disaster one way or another. If I do not succeed in this cycle, I will ensure that my successor knows where I went wrong.

Could I have done more from within this massive collective of Sisters, Balladeers, Torchbearers, and Sandstone College?

I feel most are subservient to the Sisters either directly or indirectly, and I'm also aware that I have tried that and for one reason or another, it did not work.

What fates came for me in those cycles?

Was I molded into the perfect reactionary? Was I convinced that the Disaster should occur and just sat by and let it?

Was I killed during Discernment for speaking out against my superiors? I could see this, but I can't imagine the other option.

I could never be the type of person who blocks the moves of others but takes none of my own. I could never smile and go on picnics and convince everyone that I am no danger to them, that I am their friend who will never do or say anything against them.

I am uncharacteristically emotional right now. I am both angry and crying and I hate it.

If you can read this, and I haven't completely misjudged everything, then I feel I owe you an apology. My words are disrespectful here, but the purpose of this journal is to still my thoughts so I can better handle the world. The only way that it works is if I do not hold back.

I suppose I will content myself with my research until the election draws near.

[cmenden]

Kanön Hray 11th, IY 7787

My emotional state is leveling out substantially.

The back-to-back deaths of two wretches Dustwink and Anais surely have something to do with it.

As my glee settles, I must wonder at Cosine's inconsistent morality and whether it will prove problematic in other ways for me. Why protect so fervently something as dangerous and destructive as Ao but help me kill his Apprentice and callously shove his body into a trash chute?

If he values mechanisms more than human lives, that will certainly cause problems.

I suppose I only have myself to blame. My Apprentices both have been engulfed in the long shadow I cast. Both have been consumed by the Witch's Darkness. I have a strong moral fiber despite it all, but they are more malleable and easily influenced.

I need to come up with a plan to perhaps fix this before it gets worse.

[cmenden]

Kanön Hray 14th, IY 7787

I'm not a monster. I am a seer.

Ten days ago I warned her.

I told her to stand down now, but she didn't listen. She grew weary of the imminent and wished more and more and MORE.

I'm not guilty. She brought this upon herself.

Hypatia is still capable of bluffing. I don't believe that she desired any of this. Mari Blacke was useful to the Sisters in some way, otherwise, why was she welcomed into their whispering circle so frequently?

Actually, when you think about it, her death is your fault and not mine at all.

My conscience is unbothered by these events. They will benefit the Well in the long run.

[cmenden]

Kanön Hray 23th, IY 7787

His notes are fascinating but comically inaccurate. How can an accomplished magus be so wrong about so many details?

I have aided the Sisters in acquiring the cursed relic. They were less gracious than expected, but so be it.

I would have preferred to get a closer look at the wretched thing or for them to answer some questions about how it felt to touch it. Regardless, I saw many things of interest to me, but few amused me as much as their faces.

When you smile, it is enigmatic and hides untold knowledge.

When they smile, it is vapid and a pretense.

Perhaps by pretending to be you, they think they can become you.

That's not how it works, however. That's not how any of this works.

[cmenden]

Adar 17th, IY 7787

If my calculations were correct, today is the day that Kreutz perishes as a result of this path that I began with my departure from Ephia's Well.

I wonder if his absence will make Mae realize her error or regret her final words to me.

Does she miss me? Likely not. Her egocentric and hateful natures have likely only grown worse in my absence, not better.

I've heard neither her nor Cosine speak to me through the bellows, so I know the truth, in any case.

I typically avoid dwelling on such thoughts, but this is the second day I've been trapped in this hamlet by an ash storm and I have nothing to do except dwell.

I have yet to find her but there's still plenty of time. The Disaster is over four years away.

[cmenden]

Iyar 16th, IY 7788

It is with a sardonic smile that I read Domhnall's work The Republic Betrayed: A Study of Ephia's Well.

Obviously, I agree with the bulk of the text.

In fact, I invested a great deal of time and energy in Domhnall for two reasons. One, he saw the vital necessity of my work, and two, he was significantly likely to achieve power and come to certain realizations in time to do something with said power.

Regrettably, he did not. He has departed Ephia's Well by now, having been broken by false promises and false people.

I am convinced that YOUR influence was the cause, and I am not afraid to say so, for I am beyond your reach at the moment.

Well. That's not entirely true. I received Selsi's letter, after all.

I do not know what you see that causes you to move your pieces in such a way that they would hamstring such a man as Domhnall, but I know with certainty that if nothing changes, the Ephia's Well Disaster is a certainty.

I will stop it. But not right now.

Perhaps I will seek out Domhnall and see what state he is in.

[cmenden]

Hziran 21st, IY 7788

Even possessing a presentiment of the future, some events are still extremely irritating to witness.

Cosine thinks to replace me with what is obviously a cleverly disguised visitor from another world line. The hypocrisy would be laughable if it did not infuriate me so.

I must not let such distractions get in the way of my work to stop the Disaster.

You likely think that I'm wasting time or that I have given up. I am not and I have not. In fact, you couldn't be further from the truth.

Plans as complex and multifaceted as my own take a lot of time to see to fruition. That is all.

Stupid Cosine. Stupid Other Me.

[cmenden]

Hziran 28th, IY 7788

The long-awaited syzygy is finally here, and with it, my power grows.

Did you anticipate this?

Perhaps you did. After all, this celestial reconfiguration will augment the power of many of your lesser pieces.

It won't matter, however. I have not been idle and remain at the top of my game.

[cmenden]

Hziran 29th, IY 7788

I can't stop thinking about how irritating it is. I bet those wretches like her better than me too.

I liked hearing from Cosine, but I would have preferred to hear from Mae. She has likely grown more unreasonable and unruly in my absence.

I hate having to return empty-handed, but it seems that my non-interference plan did not go in the direction I had hoped for. In 26% of futures, my absence saw Mae rise to power and grow as a person. In 13% of futures, it was Cosine.

Regrettably, we have entered into the suboptimal 61%, where neither of my apprentices has done so, and worse yet, they have let other interlopers gain far too much ground on them.

It is past time that I set things to right.

[cmenden]

Hziran 31st, IY 7788

It is worse than I thought.

Cosine and Mae have fallen into indolent patterns which it will be difficult to break them of. Obviously, that won't stop me from trying.

Zain is largely fine, despite being possessed by the essence of Xon, the worst Nadiri. I do not expect the matter will be difficult to resolve for a Witch, however. Xon's clumsy work is adjacent to my own Hex Magic.

I have met the one who sought to usurp my position and she is less irritating than I expected.

I heard you welcome me back, but you did not welcome her back. I am certain that you are well aware which of us is your opponent across the Xiangqi board.

My apologies for keeping you waiting, but I am prepared to resume our game.

[cmenden]

Tammuz 4th, IY 7788

I need to write. I need to distract myself. I need my mind to process these feelings.

I was never close to my siblings. The Empress adopted many girls for their excellence and I met few of them before the fall.

This is what I imagine having a close sibling is supposed to feel like, however. This is what I imagine it is like to have that relationship torn from you, like having your own arm ripped off.

"Tomorrow will be very dangerous for me, but it is necessary to maintain the alliance. The Janissaries respect me because they respect the shared service. I can't just skip over a warfront because I'm afraid or tired. It's the entire crux of the bond."

"I have little worry about your safety, otherwise I would not have sent the Throater to you to be killed."

If only I had held some inkling of what was to come.

"The djinn that reached out in the Legate's office-- I saw them. All of them, around me. They were dead. Long-dead. Skeletons, the flesh picked off their bones. Sitting, grinning for eternity, at each other. They died there, together, in the office."

Except, I did. A vision of death visited him the night before the battle, but I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even consider the connection. I am so angry right now but at myself most of all.

It's easy to blame everything on the djinn when there are so many other forces at play in this world. But he said it with such confidence, that I believed it out of hand like a fool. I usually would doubt such assertions, except when it was most important not to.

"Marcellus is my friend."

Was he? Would a friend sacrifice you to his newfound faith? That is what this is. The Red Hill will appear as a petty trifle compared to this conflict, Marcellus's blood sacrament to his dark god. If ever he considered Cosine a friend, those days are long gone.

Or perhaps he considered this act a way to honor that friendship. Analysis of the mind of a fanatic is impossible.

Writing isn't helping as much as I was hoping it would. My heart hurts. My body is tired. I just want to sleep forever.