Star Witch Estellise's Diary of Hopes and Dreams

[cmenden]

Hziran 17th, IY 7787

Her eyes.

I can't stop seeing them when I close my own eyes.

Is she watching me write in here now?

I withstood an immense battle of wills earlier and showed her I would not be cowed.

Not that I care for nor desire her approval.

[cmenden]

Hziran 19th, IY 7787

I hate her, but not for the reason I thought I did. I hate her for wasting my time, making me think she was more profound and more complicated than she clearly is.

She is just a dog. She loves those who feed her and she fears those who strike her. The cold dead eyes of her companion made me think she'd chosen him intentionally. In more than one future, he cut me down before I could cast a single spell. In more than one future, he killed everyone in the room, starting with Miss Ziani.

She loves those around her. She fears the Condotierro. She doesn't know what to do with me, because I am neither feeding her nor striking her. Next time I see her, I'll try feeding her to see what happens.

Either way, I'm relieved the Assembly matter is over. Losing access to the Krak would have been awful and I want to get back to my research and not let myself fixate on all these distractions.

[cmenden]

Hziran 21th, IY 7787

That interview was truly harrowing. Those didn't feel like easy questions! Perhaps at first, but certainly not after a certain point in the interview.

I can't help but feel that both Miss Ziani and Recluta Ship-burner are trying to make me look foolish in their works. I hate that feeling.

I visited the Banda Rossa fortress to give her some food. She just stood there, holding it. It was like she refused to eat it and give me satisfaction. How infuriating!

I can't think of any normal way to find out if she ate it either, short of asking one of the Recluta present, but they would tell her for certain that I asked. Maybe I should try again.

Afterward, my mood didn't get better. I showed Cosine Talky Spidra and he destroyed it with acid. I wanted to keep it. Even if it was somewhat ridiculous, it was cute and I liked the things it had to say.

This work has been lonely lately. It was hard enough to make friends in this city before, but now it's even harder as an Apothar. Talky Spidra would have been a good alternative.

[cmenden]

Hziran 22th, IY 7787

Hypatia, Aubrey, Mae, Sana

I have five fingers and not even as many friends. I talked to Sana and she was right to be angry with me. I should have talked to her sooner, but I think I assumed she was overreacting. It's difficult to trust people sometimes, even when I should.

Do I seem lonely to others? I don't think I do. I don't lack conversation, but deep conversations are even harder to come by, and those I can trust are rarer still. Cosine absolutely heard what Bestworth said and told me nothing. He claimed it "wasn't that big a deal" like he thinks I'm an idiot who would buy such a flimsy excuse. He's spiteful that Oro made him my apprentice.

Rehiring Bestworth was the right choice. I know that on a logical level, particularly with the coming storm, but I can't help but feel betrayed by my mentor on an emotional level. I had made a choice and wished it was respected, not questioned publicly in front of so many.

I hate wrestling with these thoughts on the page or otherwise, but I refuse to let anyone know my mind better than I do.

She sees so much that it terrifies me, but obviously not everything. She is no more able to transcend human limitations than I am, she just represents someone further along the same path as me. I will get there. I will surpass her even.

But to do so a strategy is required.  My plan's simple.

It's like hypnosis but leaving a mental trigger to return to a state of awareness

Wait. Actually, it's nothing like hypnosis. Hypnosis requires a subject to desire to be controlled. It's hard to explain in words, but it's definitely different.

Was I projecting on Mae?

I wonder what my her life is like. Could Hypatia tell me?

[cmenden]

I am the girl on the other side of the mirror,
Lost in the depths of my own despair.
The one who is unseen, who longs to be nearer,
Yet is kept away by this glass wall's snare.

On the other side stands a girl, so fair and bright,
Her life seems perfect, with friends all around.
But I am the shadow, shrouded in night,
With loneliness and darkness as my constant sound.

Her eyes gleam with joy and laughter,
Mine reflect only tears and sorrow.
She has love, while I am the martyr,
Endlessly struggling for a better tomorrow.

And yet, this girl from the other side
Wishes to kill me, to end my being.
But I, the lonely one, cannot abide,
For life is precious, with purpose and meaning.

The stars above me twinkle and glow,
A reminder that beauty still exists.
I will not give up, I will not let go,
For hope still lingers, like the stars in mists.

I am the girl on the other side of the mirror,
Lonely and lost, but not yet broken.
Though my heart may quake and quiver,
I will not yield, my spirit is not yet awoken.

[cmenden]

Hziran 23th, IY 7787

Lucid dreaming. That's what I was trying to remember before. It's like when you're dreaming but can consciously control your actions during the dream. Sometimes you can even control the dream itself.

My sleep has been fitful, but I think today went well. Hypatia and I talked a lot. We played cards.

Even though I didn't win as much as I would have liked, gambling still relieves much of my stress.

I expect I will sleep well tonight.



[A addition is added later, further down the page...]

I woke up from a nightmare. There was a mirror and my reflection was wearing a red dress. But it was not me, she was a horror. She smiled more. She smiled a lot, but her smile was too wide.

[cmenden]

Hziran 26th, IY 7787

Finally, the storm recedes (exactly the date I told Afsana) and I can take some time to write. I didn't want to waste time idly musing on my thoughts in here while there was work to be done.

John Syter is dead. I thought he died betraying Ephia's Well, but now that the moment has come, it seems much more likely that he was just being exploited by others. He was a straightforward person, I guess, but I still hated him.

I threw those two dinars back at them and spit on his corpse. Well, I didn't do the second thing, but I really wanted to. Everyone was watching and it wouldn't have ended well.

Similarly, I stood over Diakos as he lay prone with his wounds, and I fully knew what was to come. I could have ordered Vergal to end the problem once and for all...  but would it have stopped the Wyrm cultists whose plan was likely already underway? How would we have explained our actions?

More pointless thoughts of the past. I need to redirect my focus forward.

Hypatia is mad at me. I know she must be. I didn't mean to get angry during the funeral but there was a whole crowd accusing me of the vilest behavior and the whole storm has been exceptionally stressful, so I wasn't able to bear their taunting.  I need to be better. I hope that she will forgive me in time. It seems like she usually does. But she doesn't always.

--- EXPERIMENT 001 ---

You know what I want.
Why are we continuing to play these games?
What do you want from me?
Next time we meet, speak to me and only me.
You know exactly what I mean.

[cmenden]

Hziran 27th, IY 7787

I HATE her so much!!!

Calling her a lion grates on me every time they do it! She is a dog, not a lion and that should be obvious to anyone!

How does she keep getting away with it time and again? Why must I be the one to suffer her misdeeds over and over? It's not fair and she deserved to be demoted today!

More than that, she deserved to be whipped in the plaza! She's never going to learn her lesson at this rate and worst of all, her actions will force the Zenithars to commit to drastic action to the detriment of the Well.

At this rate, who needs 5 years to pass, when this stupid and hot -blooded woman will bring about disaster prematurely? I need to keep my eyes on her now more than ever.

[cmenden]

Hziran 28th, IY 7787

I'm not convinced that there was any reason for them to destroy the cute doll, and I'm still upset about it.

I'd even named her Penelope because she was a gift from Hypatia. Watching them tear out her stuffing made me sick to my stomach, so I wasn't able to watch.

I'm still not even sure what to say about what happened. I'm sure she'll ask after the doll next time we talk.

Everyone's just afraid. Heightened emotional responses seem to be a result of the Stele Curse.

While my resistance to such things is stronger than the average person, I'm still capable of being affected. I need to analyze my own thoughts and emotions again and again.

Would I have cried over Penelope's death normally? I don't know. Probably not. But being able to release my emotions in a controlled environment, without others present, is certainly healthier and safer than the alternative.

Either way, it's a good thing that Cosine was present earlier. I pretended things were fine, but they weren't fine. I don't think I could have refused Sana's requests indefinitely if he hadn't intervened.

My mental fortitude remains an unyielding bastion. Attempts to penetrate my defenses are fruitless.

[cmenden]

Hziran 29th, IY 7787

I should be writing about Posie, Jamileh's betrayal, or even the Sergeant's inflexibility.

However, none of that matters at this moment.

It was so red. It looked like blood. It smelled sweet. Some would say too sweet, but I wouldn't. I felt it was just the right amount of sweetness.

I think I always knew this was the plan.

I know that I can't hide my words from you, but that doesn't matter. In fact, I want you to know. Consider this a challenge.

I will close the gap between us.

[cmenden]

Tammuz 1st, IY 7787

I doubted her. I thought her interest in me was fake, that she was tricking me, that she would grow tired of me the moment she had what she wanted.

I doubted her. I thought her anger was misplaced, that she was overreacting even though I'd left her out of my story to the Assembly.

I doubted her. I thought she wouldn't be angry that I stood by the Zenithar's side as he threatened to tear the Shade from the Krak no matter the cost.

I doubted her. I thought she could be involved somehow in the illusory Sana I saw that knew so much about us both, including our private conversations.

I was wrong. I kept being wrong, and even when I wronged her, she still forgave me, she went back to smiling and calling me Starlight.

I didn't deserve her.

And now she's dead.

I thought I'd have more time. I thought her death was a remote possibility, and that I would have days, weeks, and months to resolve matters between us.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, Sana. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[Between the pages of this entry is a detailed drawing of a very fluffy goat.]

[cmenden]

Tammuz 4th, IY 7787

It is done. I am apprenticeless.

I've scarcely had time to grieve, and no time at all to burn incense papers, because I've been forced to chase after conspiracies and intrigues.

Investigation into Zieghart's treachery led me to unravel a complex (but idiotic) web of lies and deceit involving me and my supposed activities. It will prove difficult to uncover what aspects of my research have been shared so thoughtlessly out of context, but likely I should assume the worst and operate accordingly.

Faced with an apprentice who undermines me out of idiocy and an apprentice who undermines me because of a grudge, I decided to see them both promoted swiftly, so I could be free of their irritations. Either they would become Apothars and they would undergo intense scrutiny that would see them both crack, or they would fail the test of their worth and be gone from the Order.

Unfortunately, my inability to properly groom them for the role was well-known to others, and the option was closed to me. It's admittedly my own failing, but I can't help but feel as if I were set up for failure by others. I was faced with two men, both of who refused to acknowledge me as their master, and the one measure I took was immediately undone by my own master.

If he disapproves, he can speak to me. If he forces me to keep them as apprentices, then I will expel them both. If he refuses to allow even that, then I will save Ephia's Well as a Fatespinner and not an Apothar.

I will endure suffering out of duty, but even I have my limits.

[cmenden]

Tammuz 5th, IY 7787

A terrible beginning to an ultimately auspicious trip.

She has heard my challenge and seeks to prove my powerlessness. Lynneth consumed it immediately and Ship-burner declined the offer, but I'd thought surely that the softheaded Shae presented a unique opportunity... only for her to gulp it down like a battle potion the moment fighting broke out.

You knew, didn't you? You knew the despair I would feel in that moment, but perhaps you didn't consider how quickly I recover from such irritating setbacks. All this has done is stoke the fires of my determination!

Dark thoughts were my companion for some time afterward, only worsening when we reached the very dragon bones that Sana had promised to show me one day. None of them understood, and I didn't wish to say anything, but I had to say something to Hypatia and Mae.

Hypatia thought I was being impatient, and I didn't want her to think I would be so childish, but I'm not certain I feel better about others knowing I'm still mourning my dead friend. Either way, I should have controlled myself better, and I regret not doing so.

Once we reached the destination and Mae set up the telescope, I began to feel immediately better. Getting to do astronomy for a change, far from the concerns of the Well and this primary season that has become irksome since Aubrey dropped out, and getting to do it with Mae and Hypatia both, was very pleasing. Not even the irritating voice of the scythe woman could ruin it for me.

We saw a meteorite fall and it fell so near to us that debris collection was possible, which was really exciting. Caught up in the moment, I offered Mae the opportunity to be my apprentice, and she said she would think on it. It was a bit disappointing to hear, but I'm trying to be understanding. She has her heart set on Cassandra, and after the other two, I don't wish to deal with any lingering feelings of malaise between me and someone I'm supposed to help teach and guide.

I guess I should be used to not being anyone's first choice, but it still stung.

[cmenden]

Tammuz 7th, IY 7787

Why do I bother with these wretched allotment assemblies?

Sergeant Colmes and Lynneth had the right of it, apparently. Despite my point being perfectly sound, all arguing did was upset the crowd, and the Princess fearing an upset crowd, opted for the coward's choice of an even distribution.

A woeful reminder of the last assembly where I argued point by point and ended up with yet another even distribution.

Why even have these discussions? Why not just award an even distribution and be done with it?

I refuse to waste my breath further on this farce. Next time, I will delegate another to speak in my place, and they will see just how irritating and pointless this process is.

Either way, I should be focusing on collecting signatures. I haven't a clue how many Sephidra has, but I must surpass her total if I'm to prevent her from running for Legate. Isabella bowing out of the race was unexpected and extremely undesired. I refuse to let anyone near the Legate seat who will unravel one-third of the Accord.

[cmenden]

Tammuz 10th, IY 7787

I hate that this Banafsi issue is still a problem, but I hate even more that I'm forced to feel guilty about it.

One way or another, it's my fault, so I mean to find a solution, even if I must travel to Banafsi with all involved and submit to the Archon's justice.

I refuse to let this matter loom over my head for the rest of my life... but I'm also scared of what that justice could look like.

I talked to Hypatia today, which usually brightens my day, but unfortunately, my words made her sad and uncertain rather than provide the clarity I'd hoped.

I can't wait for this wretched election to be over, then I can focus on more important matters.