Star Witch Estellise's Diary of Hopes and Dreams

[cmenden]

Dear Reader,

This diary is cursed.

While this page is safe to read, if you read even one page further, you will be cursed until the end of your days.

As a fatespinner, it is child's play for me to make certain that you draw no melds, every flipped coin will land opposite to your desires, and you will never see another victory.

You were warned.

Regards,
Estellise Azimi

[cmenden]

Iyar 12th, IY 7787

My last diary was lost in an ash storm. How irritating. I really liked the pattern on the cover and would have liked to reread the highlights of my journey inward.

No matter. The past is over and I shouldn't dwell on it. A new diary for a new city. This one is black and covered in little stars too.

They call this place Ephia's Well. It is not Baz'eel but it is somewhat close, being a provincial holding. "Refugees", as they call us, are not allowed to go to Baz'eel directly. This will have to do for now.

My fatespinner garb is nearly threadbare and I do not know how much more it can be patched and mended. I am relieved to finally be in a city again and ideally, I should have no trouble finding work.

[cmenden]

Iyar 15th, IY 7787

It is proving difficult to find work of substance, but odd jobs for refugees remain plentiful.

The number of fortune tellers, clairvoyants, crystal gazers, and two-bit charlatans pretending at the same here is staggering. It feels as if I cannot take five steps without someone demanding dinars for a tarot reading. Are they all here to join Q'tolip and his Astronomers?

I joined a book club and have met some fellow appreciators of literature and learning. I like Mae. I hate Shane Gallows.

[cmenden]

Iyar 16th, IY 7787

It is growing more difficult to find work around the Well and no one has responded to my notices for scribe work. The scribes are not hiring, nor do I think I could tolerate having to manage the nuisance of licensure.

Resting at the Krak is proving prohibitively expensive. I have been forced to take a job from Shane Gallows. I will write articles for his paper, in exchange for the use of a bed in the Printing Press.

[cmenden]

Iyar 19th, IY 7787

The situation is improving greatly. I have finally met Hypatia and she ordered me a coffee. I didn't like the taste. It is too bitter. I prefer sweet flavors, but it is unbecoming of someone in my position to gorge themselves on sweets all day.

She was even more fascinating than I expected, and while Mae is a close friend, Hypatia is even more stimulating as a conversation partner.

I believe it has something to do with the fact that Hypatia and I share the same focus of study, but whereas I keep my eyes firmly fixed on the future and the manifold ways in which it diverges, Hypatia's focus is on the past and the paths untaken.

Since my arrival, I have met numerous people, so many it is a challenge to recall all their names. There are some I wish to ruminate on, but writing is best done while the wretched sun is high in the sky. For now, I would rather enjoy the pleasant cool of the night.

[cmenden]

Iyar 21th, IY 7787

I'm confused. I'm also irritated that I'm confused.

I came to Eagle's Rock Mount to observe a debate but I found myself convinced by Zenithar Gaius to participate. Still, I refused to allow the other debaters to judge me. They are not on my level and have not the right. I opted to forfeit, rather than deal with their judgemental looks.

Despite all that, the High Zenithar himself, Q'tolip, pointed to me and decided that I would become one of the Nadiri of his order. I am honored but also shocked. I did not see this future. It is not to say that I saw no future where I became an Astronomer, but I thought it would be something I do myself, at a later date.

Not knowing the path I'm on is irksome and while there may be some small thrill to it, it is mostly just irksome. I only hope that joining the Astronomers doesn't make it harder to prevent the Disaster.

[cmenden]

[A poem hastily written and slipped between pages.]

In the stillness of the night
Beneath the twinkling starry light
There came a sound, a horrid blight
That shattered all in its might

It was La Melificinta's voice
That made the heavens shake and rejoice
A droning, endless, shapeless noise
That seemed to end all, without a choice

From far-off galaxies to our own
The very stars began to groan
As Jocasta's tones did drone and moan
In a voice that chilled to the bone

May the Astronomers, with their learned eyes
Never fall for her false guise
And may the glazier's daughter realize
That her voice doth bring about the skies demise

[cmenden]

Iyar 28th, IY 7787

Eaten by lions.

I've been largely trying so hard to pretend like everything is okay, to pretend like the journey inward never even happened, that I just went to sleep one day among the Fatespinners and woke up here, eyes full of sleep, but otherwise well-rested, but today I feel so strongly the experiences of the road.

What use is knowing about the Ephia's Well Disaster if I can't prevent it?
What use was knowing about the death of Shane Gallows if I couldn't prevent that?
Why did I tell Abelle her future when I've seen what happens? She could have pushed me off that cliff. Sometimes, she did just that. It was a stupid risk.

Events big and small defy my attempts to change them. I'm no fatespinner. I'm not even 37th in line for the throne of the Empire. There are no fatespinners. There is no Empire.  The world ended 10 years ago and we are insects feeding on its corpse.

Mr. Gallows should have listened to me. He would have paid for his crimes but he would still be here and alive. Probably.

I watched a dwarf eaten by lions today, and that was the DESIRED outcome.

I burned incense paper for Mr. Gallows but I won't mourn the dwarf. He was an awful person, but what an awful way to die, scrambling on the sands, battered and bloody, using what magic you have to survive a few more moments, only to have your throat torn out by a lion.

Are the extra moments worth it, when they are so full of pain?

[cmenden]

In days of old, we dreamed of sharpened steel / and flames to make the bravest foe kneel
But now we know that magic is not enough / to pierce the veil of night and see the stuff
Of stars beyond, their secrets to unfold / and measure distances in space so cold
Yet by the flickering starlight light of lanterns we can see / the path to learning, to discovery.

No incantation or spell can ever find / the way to know the heavens and their kind
Only through math can we unlock the door / to learn the laws that they obey and more
For trigonometry is the key we seek / to measure stars, and understand their peak
Enchantment is a tool of little worth / when science shines so brightly on the earth.

We need not blades of fire and sharpened might / to conquer foes and win the endless fight
No. Let us seek the wisdom Izdu gives / and use our minds to change the way we live
So let us cast aside our foolish pride / and seek the stars with math, the guide
For in the end, knowledge will win / and with it, we can reach the furthest in
The universe, and find our place at last / in the heavens, among a cosmic cast.

[cmenden]

[cmenden]

[A small note between the pages, with names written sharply, often outlined or underlined multiple times.]

Velan Volandis - He irritates me but hate feels too strong a word these days.
Mirit the Liar
Benjin the Idiot - I'm not a bully and his works of art are well done, if he never returns to advocate for someone connected to me, it's fine.
TALLARIEL - He has done as I asked by recanting his words and better not cross me again.
Ilyas - According to Tallariel I destroyed this wretch so utterly that he left the Well, good, he's probably dead.
John Syter!!! - not only is he dead, but I gave his corpse back those two dinars and he'll never mock me again, good riddance!
Kythaela - It's complicated.
Naelin - She apologized. Whatever.
Sephidra - I wasn't really mad at her. Just Naelin.
VERGAL - At times even knowing the future is not half as sweet as experiencing it!
Shae - Ugh. She saved me from the Glaziers.
Velan!!! - STUPID you didn't have to die! It's like you wanted this!
Lynneth - I have downgraded her from hated enemy to rival to be destroyed. There's a difference.
Alfred - Burned alive. Precisely what such a wretch deserves.
Alejandro - He saved me from danger. He still bothers me, but I guess it's not hate per see.
Mari Blacke - Not as satisfying as I'd hoped but whatever. It was for the best.
Qari
Nadiri Dustwink - I wish Cosine had listened to me, but I will not mourn this loss. In fact, I am elated.
Marcellus
Nasreen
Inspector Daoud - News of his death was sweeter than even the finest vintage from the Rose's cellars.
Isaac Naught - He has folded for now. So long as he remembers his place, I am content to ignore him once more.

[cmenden]

Hziran 10th, IY 7787

What to even say today that isn't just a bunch of loose thoughts that run in circles in my mind?

My "cosmoem" won me a Voice. I am grateful to Laremy, but since I plan to become an Apothar, it seemed superfluous. I do like winning, however.

Aubrey has completely strayed from Legate-based futures and is acting much more in accordance with Janissary-based futures. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care. I burned my other book. I will try a different approach entirely to prevent the Ephia's Well Disaster.

The Sisters keep staring at me in the Krak. Were they always staring at me? I think it started when I became a Nadiri. Perhaps it was happening before too. I sometimes find myself walking of my own accord to their office and ringing the bell, just to see if anyone wants to talk. The woman at the desk (I've forgotten her name and now it'd be rude to ask) answers any questions I ask but the answers are always the same. She speaks by rote. Her answers have been obviously lies since the day I first arrived in Ephia's Well. I worried I was developing a fixation, but after thinking it over, I definitely am not.

I just don't like not knowing what's really going on. Do they see what I see? Do they have a plan to deal with it?

I'm on edge today because of the matter with the "Salt Merchant" yesterday. We swore we would resolve the matter, but until I hear from the Archon's representatives, the days ahead will be tense. I hate waiting.

Hypatia said there was some issue with Sana and she has been acting strangely too. I thought we'd worked out matters during our conversation in the inn room. Maybe she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear.

I should find her.

[cmenden]

Hziran 13th, IY 7787

I feel really bad about my behavior, especially in the Krak, but the thought that Cosine OF ALL PEOPLE had gotten an Epoch and I hadn't was enough to bring out the worst in me.

It doesn't matter now. The Apothar found him before me since I was busy in a stupid room alone waiting for Colmes to come back. I have my Epoch now, two of them in fact, and now I'm higher than Cosine, which is how it should be.

The  Apothar wants me to decide on a thesis, but I'm having trouble. I have a ton of ideas, so it's challenging to just pick one. I'm going to spend time away from all distractions, so I can focus. There's an Assembly coming up shortly, but I'll just make one of the others speak. Azim or Bestworth, probably.

Sana seemed fine, but she's still not calling me Starlight as much anymore, and it really bothers me. It'd be embarrassing to ask her why, so I haven't. Even worse, Cosine called me Starlight, and I hated it. It just made me feel sad and angry like he was trying to manipulate me. I thought I found someone I could trust, but if his interests are untoward, then I will need to handle him from a greater distance.

This is counterproductive, but I really need to get these thoughts out or I'll never focus, so I will continue.

Mae and Hypatia's situation bothers me. I wish Mae had taken my advice. It's going to make my life more complicated and I don't need it more complicated right now. Also, I want them both to be happy. But even more than that, it irritates me that no one listens when I tell them what choices are the best ones for their future!

I am really bothered that the Sisters' ridiculously long gift-giving caused me to be unable to speak to the princesses. I haven't seen their airships depart, so maybe I'll get another chance. Maybe there will be some ceremony surrounding the departure and I can use that to my advantage. It would be helpful if fewer people were present. It's not that I don't like people, it's just difficult to get a word in edgewise when so many are present.

I probably shouldn't even go to the Assembly. I should just keep working on my thesis topic.

[cmenden]

Hziran 14th, IY 7787

Why did I go to that HORRIBLE assembly?

It was so awful, I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life! I should have let Cosine go up, but I saw a future where we received the whole allotment and I decided to act quickly.

I wanted to impress the Princess, not make a fool of myself, but that is exactly what I did. I even tried to leave after the first half, rather than listen to lesser Nadiri insult me further by saying what I should have done instead, but I wasn't allowed even the dignity of privacy to compose myself. John Syter (I hate him!) wished to draw out my humiliation further by forcing me to the podium once more in the second half.

The only saving grace of all this is that Apothar Oro and Zenithar Gaius were pleased with the results, so I have not lost face in the eyes of the organization. Additionally, the Apothar said I am to defend my thesis tomorrow. I'd planned to sleep and read something to distract myself from thoughts of the wretched assembly, but there will be no time now.

I must be prepared. I must not fail to defend my thesis. Among the futures where I'm cast out in disgrace lay the future where Apothar Abelle kills the one responsible for the Ritual of Elemental Balance.

[cmenden]

Hziran 15th, IY 7787

My thesis defense was terrifying, but it is behind me now. I was successful. I'm an Apothar.

Things are moving so quickly, I feel like I need to take a moment to myself, but when I do, my thoughts are unpleasant. Wine helps. Somewhat.

While I need to organize my thesis proposal for proper addition to the files, writing in this diary is proving helpful for getting my thoughts in order. I need to resolve what I can and let go of what I cannot.

So some questions come to mind. Perhaps they will be relevant later. I don't know.

Why do I sometimes feel strange when I drink the Well's water?
The water takes on more potent healing properties when aged, do the other properties become more potent too?
Why did Shane Gallows go mad so suddenly, flee the Well, and then proceed to alienate everyone around him?

Why did he not trust me at the end?