~Zina’s Secret Diary~

[Anthee]

[Beneath an ornate, gilded cover, written on the first page in expensive and very, very accusing red ink:]

To whichever rascally scoundrel laid their hands on this book, which is obviously a fine woman's private diary:

Shame on you! Fie on you! What would your mother say? Are you proud of yourself? Does it bring you great pleasure, nay, titillating satisfaction, to sneak a forbidden peek into the innermost thoughts of a bourgeois lady?

Well, then. Read on, my uninvited guest. Read on, and know that someone, somewhere, is surely shaking their head at you with thinly veiled contempt.

Because of all the things you could have been, you chose to be a Peeping Tom.

I hope that you at least enjoy what you read.

[Anthee]

Entry I
Adar 19, IY 7788

So this is what poverty feels like.

I am doomed.

I went through my liquid assets and found out, to my utmost dismay, that I only had around 12,000 dinari in cash. What on earth has happened? By all the Sages and Spokes. I used to know the virtue of frugality. I used to have at least 30,000 on me at all times – for sudden emergencies, of course, like a torn dress or an ex tempore five-course dinner.

What am I now, a spendthrift? I can hardly believe it!

Well, I know of course. I know what has happened. It is this charity thing. Gods, I thought I would never get used to it, but now it seems I am too used to it? Am I going crazy? Should I see a priest? Wait, I am seeing a priest. And she is very good, not at all like that other one who was trying to guilt-trip me all the time. But is it helping? No. I should mention this. It could be some terrible affliction of the mind.

But it feels good. Why does it feel good to throw money away? It makes no sense! It is so foolish. Yes... I am probably ill. Mother, have mercy.

I suppose I should just have faith. I know not how or why, but I have noticed that whenever caravaneers of the Well die or disappear, not long afterwards, some fresh blood tends to arrive in town – with fresh needs which my Emporium is very happy to tend to. It is puzzling. As if there was some cosmic scale that ensured a steady population of adventurers here in the desert.

Now, I do not wish for anybody's death, of course not, but maybe they could hurry up that Scalding? Is it too much to ask for? The campaign has been going on for months. Arslan did not take that long. That was the kind of war I appreciate: quickly waged, quickly over, people go and people come, thank you very much. I am just saying, if people are going to die anyway, why must it take so long? A little sooner would be better? It is awful when the inevitable just drags on and on and on.

Zina Doomed-Purse, that should be my name. Oh, Mother, have mercy.

[Anthee]

Entry II
Adar 21, IY 7788

If Haldar ever happened to read this diary, would he be upset that he was not mentioned in the first entry?

Haldar. Sweet Haldar, whose words would make the moon blush and the sun to hide her face... now I have mentioned you thrice. And I do not think I will stop at that!

But does it mean something? Is it somehow significant that I wrote about money first and love only second?

What if Haldar asked me that dreadful question? If he asked me which I would choose if I had to... my money or him?

But that is ridiculous. It is a silly question, he would never ask it.

First of all, I will never have to choose. I have never been an either-or kind of person but rather a both-and person. I do not make hard choices – I take it all. That is one reason for my success. I think he knows.

And secondly, Haldar, my love, I hope you were never in any serious doubt that I would always and in every conceivable case choose my money.

But of course I would never tell you that because I do not want to hurt you. I am, after all, a kind soul, a gentle and soft-hearted person. And a romantic.

I do not want to hurt you... because I care about you.

And do you see? Do you realise what that means?

The fact that I would choose my money over you... when you really think it through, actually it just proves how much I love you!

[Anthee]

Entry III
Adar 23, IY 7788

I think I understand now where these sudden and inexplicable urges to be "charitable" come from. I should have known. It is all B'aara's fau

I have been blessed by B'aara. Praise be!

Al-Leyla says I should not be alarmed by this turn of events. She says it is a good thing, that it means I am becoming more attuned with the Mother already. It comes as no surprise to me that She would take a special interest in me – She is a goddess, after all, and I will be an extremely valuable convert. A fine acquisition, in other words. It is reassuring to know that B'aara has such good business sense.

However, al-Leyla also says that excess charity is not in accordance with Her wishes – that She does not wish to make us destitute – and I have to say, I was very relieved to hear that part, too. But how can I be sure that Her understanding of "destitute" is the same as mine? I felt very impoverished with just 12,000 in my pocket. I counted around 40,000 just now, which feels much more comfortable, but what if B'aara thinks it is still too much! Mother, have mercy. Please understand my special position and circumstances.

In fact, I shall write a proper prayer – maybe some good old black-on-white is more likely to reach Her attention than just words thought or whispered in solitude.

O Mother, I, Zina Zizzo, Your most valuable investment in Ephia's Well, do make this humble request to You: please show some restraint in granting me Charity! It is in neither Your nor my interests to make me go bankrupt. If You bless me with just enough charity to make everyone like me and love me, (and to make cretins like Sayburgh shut the hell up), I can still live in wealth and comf show Your glory and splendour in my private life and keep sharing the fruits of my labour far into the future. In my field of business, it is called a win-win situation. You would know about it, I am sure, since Your business is being a goddess. I think this is a deal we can both agree on? Thus I pray in Your name.

Like from the pen of a nun. I would have made a fine priestess, I think. Maybe I should consider branching out?

[Anthee]

Entry IV
Nisah 5, IY 7789

It happened. I did it. I am now a daughter of B'aara... against all odds.

I said in the ceremony that I was very clear about what I had done, but I am not sure if that was entirely true. I have a feeling that everything is going to be much harder than I can even begin to imagine. Not least because so many people doubt me.

And why should they not? I doubt myself too. Unlike me, they are doing the rational thing.

Even Tasnim said she doubted me before she saw my... what did she call it... "guileless look"? Hearing that hurt me. It hurt me that after everything I had confessed, she still thought I could be manipulating her. Telling her those things was, professionally speaking, the absolutely stupidest thing I have ever done – she could ruin me if she wanted to. What possible gain could it have brought me? It was just plain irrational. And still I did it, just to show I was "sincere". And to earn "forgiveness". Gods, how I hate those words...

But it hurt me in another way too.

It hurt me because I had not put on that guileless look.

I want to be angry with myself for how foolishly I am behaving. Am I losing my touch? There is the charity, too. Another ten thousand dinari, down the hole, I will never see any of it again. And did anybody even care? Do I have to go bankrupt before somebody starts caring?

Well, that is not quite right. Manijeh cared. She looked like she might faint when she saw all that money disappear.

Tasnim cared too. She had thought she would be getting the money. Oh, the irony.

What would Manta think of me now? Would he care?

Manta...

I am not sure if you were really quite as good a person as everyone seems to think – but maybe you just put on a little greed and ruthlessness sometimes, just for me, to please me. You liked to please people. I was probably not a very good influence in that regard.

Or maybe I did it to you. You were so eager and innocent in the beginning, like a starry-eyed puppy that would come back to its owner no matter how many times it was kicked and beaten. Eventually, you changed. Was it just for show? Or did I break something in you?

If I did... I am sorry. I can't fix it anymore. I can't fix even myself.

I guess it is a start that I want to.

Sort of.

[Anthee]

Entry V
Nisah 11, IY 7789

Saint Zina

(oh gods I like the sound of it)

St. Zina the Charitable

(oh gods I am blushing now)

Our Lady of Ephia's Well

(Wheel above, that... that could be it...!)

[Anthee]

Entry VI
Nisah 22, IY 7789

They are all so jealous. JEALOUS.

I should have known.

It does not matter what I say or do... they will still do their utmost to thwart me because I am too rich and powerful for their liking. Even though I am also the most charitable person in Ephia's Well. I am the richest AND the most charitable. What does that say about me, hmm? Did you ever think about that, you idiots?

It was always my fate, I suppose. One does not get this far in life without making enemies. These naysayers, bristling with rage, green with jealousy, they will never be happy unless I lose everything and become a beggar. Ten thousand! Twenty thousand! Thirty, forty, fifty! It does not matter how much I FREELY DONATE AWAY from that which I have EARNED WITH LEGAL AND HONEST WORK – to them, it is NEVER enough.

The hypocrites. If they really cared about those paupers? They would be happy for all I do, like that Tryggvi was. He swallowed his pride so the poor could have more. He earned my respect.

But the others, they do not want the poor to be richer, no, not really. They want ME to be POOR. And POWERLESS.

I will show them. Yes, I will show them... they will learn. It is better to have Zina Zizzo as a friend than an enemy!

But in my all-encompassing charity, I will not resort to underhanded means, nor will I destroy them utterly. By the Mother's grace, I have become a good person of noble character, and I intend to become better still.

I will only humiliate them so badly that they will never forget.

[Anthee]

Entry VII
Nisah 24, IY 7789

Tasnim, Tasnim, Tasnim...

What happened to you? What changed you so utterly?

Whatever did I do to deserve this treatment, why did you turn on me like this? You used to believe in me, have faith in me. And I was well on my way to becoming a better woman. I feel I still am – even though it will be harder without your guidance.

But who will guide you? Who will wake you up from those ridiculous, ludicrous White dreams full of self-deceit and self-righteousness? I thought you were better than that. Do you not see their hypocrisy? How they shut their eyes to the atrocities of la Banda Rossa, even defend them, while acting all high and noble? How they pretend to be champions of freedom while enslaving others with their drugs? How they ask you to trust them while hoarding Gellema knows what secrets within the darkness of their vaults?

I suppose you felt you had to fit in. You felt defending me was too hard when so many White tongues wearing red and black were saying bad things about me. Guilt by association. Argent, Dante. Dante, Argent.

Or maybe you could not accept, after all, what I confessed to you. The sins I really did commit, such as they were. If that is what happened... what does it tell about you, hmm? You claim to be a priestess, you preach forgiveness and new life... but then when someone in need of all that turns to you and confesses their sins? You are horrified. You lose faith. At just the moment when they most need your faith.

I do not know exactly what happened, Tasnim, but I do know that you are a terrible priestess.

You abandoned your one convert, betrayed the one believer who needed you the most.