Chicken Scratch

[Caster13]

"What is your ambition? What do you want out of life?"

Figured I'd have to get used to be being given orders on short notice. But when the Warmaster asked that, I really felt on the spot. Then Stearwood showed up, freshly up a rank, and it got real awkward. I didn't have an answer for the Warmaster. Felt embarrassed about it. The Warmaster asking deep things about me got me all flustered. Idea of Stearwood also being in on the conversation got me really mucked up. Thank the Nine Stearwood was looking to pawn off her old outfit and changed the conversation.

I think the Nine might be telling me something though. Things come in threes and the other two came in the same night.

I missed the first bit of Seriyah's parable-telling but what I caught stuck. Felt all weird thinking about it while everyone else talked. Her parable had three endings but only one of them made sense to me: the women never stops searching. Isn't that what life is? Always searching? For the next meal? The next bed? The next coin?

Everybody else picked the other two answers: the hopeful and happy endings. The endings where the woman gets over herself or moves on to trying to save the world.

But that ain't what this world's like. Not what our lives are like. Instead, we're always searching for survival. Always searching for whatever gets you alive into tomorrow. Life sucks and surviving keeps you busy with short-sighted eyes just enough so you can wake up and open the same eyes the next morning.

That's the first answer that came into my mind when the Warmaster asked me her question: just survive, keep me in uniform, keep me with a comfy bed in the barracks. Not exactly "ambition" though, is it? Such a lame answer it would've been. Not at all smart or cool like the Warmaster is. How the Nines does she do that? Acting all aloof and care-free while still somehow purpose driven?

And then Regina told me about how her life sucked. Servitude. Sold off. Slavery. Then escape. All the shit that happened to her and now she wants her own pleasure palace? Working towards it no matter what. How did she do that? How did she come out of everything that sucked and didn't just stop at "yeah, this not sucking is good enough"?

"Think on what I asked you about, Recluta."

I don't know what I could tell her. The Warmaster. I never really thought about big things far away. Never had the luxury of being able to look that far ahead. Nines. Now I'm just worried she's going to throw me in the pit if she thinks my answer's not good enough.

[Caster13]

Feel like such an idiot. And a bum. Bum idiot. Idiot bum.

Was walking back to the Well after helping the Warmaster deal with some pirates. Figured maybe it was a good idea to bring up what she asked me before. So I asked her if she always knew what she wanted.

"It is so. But--it is easy to forget."

Told her how I haven't figured out how to look so far ahead. She said there must've been a reason I became a merc other than the money. That got me telling her how Longhands told me to "Join the fookin' Banda". And I did after she said it a second time.

As much as Moretti made me embarrassed bringing up contract issues, I'm still glad he interrupted the conversation. Nines. The Warmaster must think I'm a complete loser. A forever Recluta. Good for nothing but filling out the rank and file.

And I guess that's true. The idea of being a Balestriere, having to be in charge of something, is scary. Talking to people and hashing out contracys? Never was good with that stuff, people. But Balestriere Stearwood tells me to take out a shovel and dig in a certain spot and I make the best damn hole anyone's ever dug.

Isn't that good enough?

[Caster13]

I can't decide if Longhands is like me or not. Before awakening, she was a member of a merc company. So what does she do when she finds herself in the Well? Join a merc company.

Doing the same as she was doing. Doing what she's good at. Surviving how she knows how.

Something different about it though. It was her idea. Her joining the Banda was a good idea because she likes the work. Something she always enjoyed.

But for me? "Join the fookin' Banda" was her idea. And Regina's idea. And Moretti's idea. If it wasn't for them. The idea probably wouldn't ever come up to me on my own.

Not that it hasn't been bad. Part of it reminds me of running with my old Ticker friends. Took me a while to realize it, but it's nice to have friends I can trust again. If the company is willing to protect Melody, makes sense they'd treat me the same way, right?