Star Witch Estellise's Diary of Hopes and Dreams

[cmenden]

Kanon Hray 27th, IY 7788

I am unable to sleep, even after spending some time with Kythie. I feel I must commit my thoughts to the page before they overwhelm me. I hate this feeling. It is reminiscent of how I felt around this same time last year.

But how am I supposed to feel? My plan of 7 months has been sandbagged time and again by an ally who seems allergic to success! The Dragon has refused over and over to press any advantage, to a truly ludicrous degree. He not only refuses to combat the status quo, but he actively seems to be making it worse with his false starts and instantaneous surrenders.

Never did I feel it more forcefully than when Jamei bragged about how much better she was at combat magic than the Dragon. Was he even trying to win or was he meaning to fail utterly as an excuse to ply them with gifts while also making them angry enough to never support him?

Was he ever my ally or was he just a foolish creature that sought to undermine my every effort and empower those I stand against?

Disappointment after disappointment has compounded since my return from sabbatical, as I see my desires attained, only for them to take a form so wretched.

Aubrey is Lyrist, but she is unwilling to utilize her power to accomplish much of anything. Her enemies grow stronger and she not only refuses to be rid of them, but she throws up her hands and claims it an impossibility. I am fighting against the dark creeping feelings of disillusionment at the moment. I do not wish to think such negative things about someone I admire so much, but it is too hard not to at the moment.

Mirielle is no better. She attained Condottiero and Warmaster yet she is terrified of upsetting people except those who are utterly harmless to her. She will do nothing with it. She will follow the decisions made by those who came before and she will take the safest path at all times. She also refuses to use the power she has been granted.

It is no wonder my Second Apprentice and her get along so well. She desires the title of "Zenithar" yet she still cannot even remotely express what she desires it for. She believes it is owed to her for all she has done to date. She sees it as an accolade and will do nothing with it once received. Were it not necessary to prevent her from experiencing the worst possible endings, I would hardly aid in such. She is objectively undeserving.

I am strongly reminded of Mari Blacke. Gellema upon the Stele and she preens atop the mizzar den, smoking.

All of them do not see what should be plainly obvious. Power is not the end. It is a means to an end.

If you seek it to hold it and not to utilize it, you are a wretch.

What reason for a law against Accorded Legates when every Legate has bowed before the most populous order in the Well?

Why did Asherias betray everything Ahmet stood for the moment she could?

I am so furious I cannot even hold back the tears. I do not wish to see anyone right now.

The Disaster feels closer than ever because I cannot bring the Well into equilibrium.

I'm never going to finish this. I'm going to be trapped forever trying and failing. Why should I even fear Zoe when I'm already in the thousand-point prism of infinite torment?

[cmenden]

Kanon Hray 28th, IY 7788

As always, writing out my feelings helps me collect them and set aside those that do nothing to aid me in my goals. A day later, it seems somewhat embarrassing to be so panicked over the thought of being bored that it would damage my emotional state so thoroughly.

It's hard for anyone else to understand just how difficult it is to be a Witch.

With clarity comes the reminder that nothing has changed except that which I desired. My Warmaster of choice is seated and every Legate who has betrayed me is dead. My League is both more powerful than before and no more or less beholden to the Cinquefoil Rose than any other day or month since my arrival.

Additionally, I have tested the cracks in their Unity and come away satisfied. It will not last long. Let them march to war and perish hand-in-hand. You know as well as I do that this Unity will take valuable pieces off your side of the board and incense enough people that it will make it effortless for me to acquire new pieces of my own.

If I may be vulnerable with you for a moment, however. I think I was just so distraught because I'd expected more interesting choices. In Royal Dragon, it is possible to play in such a way that you always win more than you lose. It is a slow trickle of dinars, ever upward. It is agonizingly dull, but if all you crave is success, it is a functional strategy.

Obviously, you know what I think about such choices. I would rather take the long shot and fail than succeed with an approach that is full of tedium. I wish to enjoy the game and not focus solely on results.

It's easy for you and your desires. The more deplorable they are, the easier it becomes for you.

For me, the opposite is true. I must not give in to despair or hatred. If I believe the world has no one worth saving in it, then my resolve will falter.

And it must not falter.