Leatherbound Journal of Alfred Delafosse

[zerotje]

I stand sinful infront of Ephia's Well gates after undeserved survival.
It's heavenly and divine.

Opposite of Justice.

Shadows pull at my ankles from void.
Spirits curse my family name.

B'araat dictates life is sacred. Thus I shan't take my own.

What must I do to defeat my shadows?
What must I do to allow spirits rest?

All I have done is distract myself.
It's too much pain for a mere mortal.

What's next? More distraction...
I doom my afterlife.

[zerotje]

A few days ago I confided (not the whole truth) in Acolyte Amelie.
Honestly expected to be evicted from the College, for it was admittance of sin and weakness.

Quite the opposite of virtueous and hopeful!

But no, she simply encouraged me to raise my chin and press on.
She was so kind and so wise. It struck a cord and I shed a tear or two.

I did have the slight inkling she was not actually invested. More that she was simply laboring and acting out her job.
Or perhaps she's so obsessed with a hero finding the grail. She felt it was duty to instill this hope and discipline in me.

Such negative thinking from me but I cannot help it.

I'm at least gladdened that while the curse's effects were felt and seen in my travels after Ringfall, but not at all since my arrival in Ephia's Well.

It must be the power of the Wheel shrines and temples that shy the ghosts away.
I'm not yet convinced that they're truly gone. For they show in my nightmares still, but that might just be my mind and not the curse.

At the moment I'm doing nothing to deal with the past.
Simply distracting myself.

At least I'm of use to others. I hope to inspire these new friends of mine.

[zerotje]

My fear is profound. I shake, I tremble, my heart beats until it jumps out of my chest.
The terror returned, I thought I escaped it.

My feeling of home, my feeling of safety... I held it for two weeks... just two weeks...
It's shattered again. I'm not allowed to dream, to hope, to feel happiness.

She stared at the wall. The air cold. Blue and white her tunic, her hair well kempt.
From the back she looked like Camilia. Had a market stall, selling goods of the weavery.

Immediatly I knew that it was. Camilia now departed. She turns around, her face ethereal. I cannot see her features and there's no time for it either.
A scream, an all shaterring, world-moving, scream.

Her demise, Her suffering, Her endless hate, Her restlessness...
All encompased into this terrifying wail.

I was so deadly afraid, so scared... I forget every single time that I deserve this.
I should've stopped him. The madness, it didn't need to last! I should have stopped him and I did not.

Yet I cling onto life, like a scared babe. Depriving them of justice! Depriving them of eternal rest they deserve.

Koukol's agreed to guard my sleep. This poor woman.... I hope nothing happens to her. Please not.

[zerotje]

Colleagues witnessed yet more haunting.
Peasant woman, know her not, conjured herself forth.

I was too slow, a turn, shadow obscured face. A wail once more, this time deafening beyond reality.
"I am HUNGRY"...

I know. I know. I know. I know...

If I was a little older, a little braver...
None of it had to happen.

It is right that I suffer.
But why must they? Release them!

[zerotje]

I've changed as a person and I don't know if it's for the better or worse. Perhaps it's neither. I've begun wearing a mask of humor, joking the whole time. It's helped me retain my sanity. So perhaps it's not such a terrible thing and those around me seem to enjoy it! Unless they're the bud of the joke. So many prideful egoes around this Citadel. That's what I sadistically enjoy the most however... breaking egoes! It was good to see Hazezon beat up and made to scrape infront of me and the Cinquefoil Rose. Admittedly, not at all a showing of my own competence or danger. He's managed to beat me up first and he did so without getting even a scratch on his armour. And then my parting words were rather pathetically unheroic aswell. I don't know if I'm the material to be a hero or chivarelous knight. The most I'll achieve in my mind is a redemptive sacrificial goodly act in vain, but that will make my friends remember me fondly. That's not what I want though!! I want to wield a golden sword ablaze into battle and step my boot on a mountain of goblin corpses proclaiming victory. What a dream that'd be. Uhm, where does my cooking fit into that? Well, I suppose that's just my Art for the peaceful times, an outlet of sorts. Yes. Why can't I be both? The golden sword wielding hero and the master cook at home. How excellent, how hopeful. Let's do it.

And then I wake up and remember *THEY* are out there too. The nightmare doesn't end yet. Koukol, sweet angel, you did so well to protect me. Sadly they twisted your mind so that it was filled only with maddening rage. My fault indirectly, I'm so sorry. It's best that you're gone. Maybe Shamsa will manage to resist them and the evil urgues they instill.

It only took me a day to find a new protector. Is that not cold blooded? No. No, probably not. It's necessity that I act with. Selfish however to be certain, placing those in danger for my sake. What do I give in return? Thank you and some candy? How is that an equal trade? Well, the love I gave Koukol was sincere but it still feels like manipulation. And if it feels like it, does that mean it is? Underneath this all... I do think neither wished anything in return. They are glad to help. Thus forgiveness might I give myself...

What a bunch of rambling.

[zerotje]

And hello dear journal...

I came back immediately to you since I'm not done rambling quite yet.
It feels so good to have slept after more than a day. Thank you - new protector!

If I'm managing to stay safe from their influence... Scrap that. I know I'm not safe, perhaps "safe enough" is a more apt description.
Yes, if I am *safe enough* then I wish to craft a life worth living in Ephia's Well and there's nothing more that I want than deep, genuine, friendships.

But I find myself in a College of Artists, theatre actors, politicians and bards. What do they have in common? Social grace and wearing masks! Ha-Ha! Just like myself in some way, but I am consciously self-aware of it and call myself out on it infront of others. So in a way that makes me brilliantly honest. But these other people? Lynneth? Alejandro? Aubrey? Velan? Shae?

How do you lift the veil? Who are they *really*?

Lynneth is a brilliant superior and priestess. You can trust her to do the right thing in both these aspects.
Perfect in her socialising and trustworthy with her profession of faith.

Alejandro the most talented stagewriter and songwriter that I have ever met! His wordplay is legendary and he is always ready to help another Balladeer.

They infuriate me! What's wrong with them? There's nothing wrong with them and that's what's wrong with them.

It could be I simply feel outclassed. I'm a Baron's son for crying out loud.
For years and years growing up it was ME that had the love and admiration of many.

And now there's these stupidly competent folk around. Damn you!

Jokes aside, it'd be great to break some barriers and get to know all these folk's true selves.
A real challenge that'll be. Can I even handle that? Maybe I should be vulnerable first, but I know what I'll get "oh sweety it will be okay"  yeah now that's a really manly impression I'll give them, you can really count on this crybaby! Scrap that.

I'm going to make nougats for Shamsa, Alejandro and Lynneth.
Why not.

[zerotje]

Cruel fools occupy heroic positions.
A withering Rose inspires no hope.

At the first obstacle, crumbles their visage.
Who are they *really* I wrote in last entry.
Such was answered in most unpleasant way.

Before opening my mouth, Acolytes condemned me.
Accusations of Brooking.

It entered their mind so easily, that their opinion of me must've been always low.
If so, why falsely mask it with smiles, like disgusting liars. Gellemedes in Rose robes.

I warned them I did not trust the blue robed boy. He went to casting spells.
I thought he'd prepare my execution, my behavior was erratic and being expelled understandable.

But to be brought to the Janissaries, to be trialed for Capital Criminal Behavior and Capital Brooking?
They attempted to have me killed!

What heroism rests in their actions?

Admittedly, my seeking Amelie out for help was selfish.
Selfish, that I want to live, to survive.

Why could that not be understood? I want to live.
That is all.

Killing me, what'd that solve? Why did they attempt to kill me?
Do they truly believe I sought out a Djinni Court?

That is the only way I could understand their decisions.

They'll find out it is not so.
And then they'll be too arrogant to regret anything.

I pray Urazzir claws out Lynneth's eyes. Alejandro's tongue. Amenya's heart. And fills Hypatia's mouth with poison...



...and fuck you Kragg.

[zerotje]

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.  I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

I might live......?

This is not healthy. I have been left alone to my own devises. Do they not know the torment in my mind?
Alfred come on. It is completely logical why you're out here now.

Stop placing blame elsewhere.

What am I saying? I blame myself every day. Every waking moment. It was such sweet release to try and place it elsewhere.

But one must live honorably.
One must behave like an adult.
There's no time for playing around.

Were those the last nougats I ever created?
I hope not... My ART is baking and candymaking!
It is an ART! And I deserve to be in the College.

If only that boy's face wasn't so punchable.

Okay, that wasn't the reason, but I like to pretend it was.
Speaking of punchable faces. What Lynneth did to that female Apothar, that was great.

...She did that for me, didn't she?
To keep Cosine in, and her out.

To allow Cosine to investigate me fully and command forth the truth. The truth is that I am but a victim.
It would have come out that way. I would have kept my position in the College. I would've gotten the chance to truly know Lynneth and Alejandro.
And all the new Students, even Pirouette.

They're all great people and I have prevented myself from engaging fully. It was the Curse that was my concern. It was the Curse that made me paranoid and do what I did.

Can I imagine a reality without it?

I think I would do my very best to become everybody's friend.
I'd probably fail, because of my sadistic sense of humor. I laugh hardest when things go wrong. Ah, the art of selfsabotage.

I didn't wanna go to fencing lessons. So I pretended to be bad at it.
I didn't wanna learn siegecraft. So I threw the books into the water bucket.
O boy, that earned me a spanking. No, that's not funny. It was a full on beatdown.
Though I understand, I think I destroyed several years of knowledge and I don't know if the monks actually finished copying all of it.

I wish I could throw this curse into the water bucket.

I love Isabella. I love Shamsa. I love Soliana. I love Tormod....... his beard.

They're all so happy and insistent on helping me.
They don't realise the danger. They can die too!