The DM Pantheon of EfU

[Garem]

There was an old joke brought up in IRC to answer the question, "If the DMs were FR Deities, which ones would they be?" Howland, with his typical tact and sage words, replied with the following statement:

[This thread is funny but] best to be locked. We are but your servants!

Yet, what with so many funny little things to say about our lovable yet murderous DMs, Sternhund brought this up and with the blessings of the team it shall be revived under a few conditions imposed by the team and myself.

One - I'm sure you've got great ideas, so feel free to let me know in IRC and I might squeeze them into one of my posts! But please, don't put them on the forums. As Howl said, this could become patronizing/brown-nosing/down-right mean very quickly and we want to avoid that sort of thing.

Two - In order for the post to look like the REAL Deity threads, I'd really prefer if you did not post at all in this thread. Of course, I'm not going to get cranky and certainly can't enforce this. Just a polite request!

Three - Remember, this is merely in jest! Nearly everything I'm writing about is embellished for the sake of humor! These guys work pretty hard when we do play and game. So remember, show mad respect while you're laughing at their, uhm... eccentricities.

As you will see, some of the originals have been heavily modified, and difficult to figure out who the original was. Others are pretty easy to decipher. That being said, I hope you enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed making them! Mad respect goes out to the DMs for being good sports about this!

[Garem]

[SIZE=+3]Calculor[/SIZE]



The Wild One
Symbol: Pig in a Target with Beer
Home Plane: Midwest America
Alignment: Chaotic Rediculous
Portfolio: Cycle of life, Boozing
Worshipers: None Today, see below
Favored Weapon: “New Character Button”

Cleric Alignments: CE, CG, CN
NwN Domains: Chaos, Charm, Renewal
See below.

History/Relationships: A founding member of the server, Calculor was later judged to have betrayed their ideals when his overweening drunkenness resulted in the death of one RPer and the suicide of another in the market of Arabel. After a long period of banishment, he was freed by Howland and EfU and later became a DM in the middle of the Time of Sanctuary by stopping in the middle of yet another PC and seizing his divine spark. In doing so, he motivated the other drunks of the server, an act that gained him their worship. As a new deity, Calculor is still finding his way, although he has formed strong relationships with Sternhund and Illuminaughty. In time, he is likely to ally himself with all the gods who had a hand in the founding of the server. Many Deities and their worshipers work against Calculor. Cultists who seek the rebirth of Mr. Cheez-it, including Australian time zone cultists who are secretly backed by Caddies, oppose Calculor. European deities such as Ladocicea, Sinister Seneschal, and DangerousDan, attack Calculor since he serves as the American time zone. Deities such as Howland and Mort wish to usurp Mr. Cheez-it’s original portfolio (mockery) from him, and even Snoteye wants to steal rot as a form of cynicism.

On January 18th, 2009, 11:16 PM, Calculor was self-removed and thus is no longer able to grant sweet loot/XPs. The exact details of how this occurred is best learned in IRC.

Dogma: Humorous PCs being forced to remain in the DM area is a sign of stagnation and spiritual rot. In order to thrive, people must be willing to change and transform their RP so they can be amused by it. Humor has the power to influence people and politics. Although, that should not be its sole use, if satire can be used to keep people free and independent from social or political boringness, it is most proper that it be used so. All market rampages/drunken RPing events are pleasing to Calculor. Sexual innuendo should also be encouraged in life â€" children and adult, amateur and professional. While those persons who have learned and mastered disciplines of said expression are much to be admired, also recognize the importance of natural talents.

[Garem]

[SIZE=+3]Howland [/SIZE]

All DMs in EfU are subject to Howland the Overgod. Howland has direct interactions with EfU and will never be forgotten by players because of his role in the creation, Beta, Alpha, EfU, and EfUA (i.e. everything). Already, cults founded in Howland's name only three years ago have died out and Howland’s name disappears from written records, suggesting that the Overgod has no wish to be praised by the mortals of EfU. Howland cares not what the other DMs do, as long as they uphold their individual portfolios and DM factions. Of course, this stricture ensures endless conflict between the players and DMs in opposing factions. The Overgod also ensures that two or more DMs of the same era can cooperatively claim the same plotline. Finally, only Howland can recognize the ascension of a mortal to DM status or permit a player banned on other worlds (read: Calculor) to be involved in EfU.

Dogma: “We are but your servants!”

[Garem]

[SIZE=+3]Wiggyboy[/SIZE]



Wigglyboy, Mr. Wigglesworth, Wiggy
Symbol: Face of a red-cheeked, ivory-skinned British man. With a beer belly.
Home Plane: Jolly Old England
Alignment: Chaotic Hungry
Portfolio: Beauty, Love, Passion for Crumpets, Devouring PC parties (figuratively)
Worshipers: Lovers, Ladies, Adventurous Diners
Favored Weapon: A silver spoon (eating utensil)

Cleric Alignments: CG, CN, NG
Has Paladins: Yes
NwN Domains: Chaos, Good, Protection, Charm, Plant (veggies), Animal (meats & dairy)

History/Relationships: Wiggyboy shares the hot tub, a sacred pool of game-spinning, with lucky ladies of England, whose names he has forgotten, and DangerousDan, the lusty masculine tempter whom he rescued from Ladocicea’s shadow of being another lame British DM. Wiggy is also allied with similarly minded DMs such as Howland, Mort, and DeputyCool. Wiggy is served by Secutor and was once served by Sternhund, but the latter DM has now once again gone his own way. Wiggy’s cuddly figure makes it difficult for any being to be angry with him for long, and so he has no true enemies, although he dislikes Metropakt, ExileStrife, Snoteye, Calculor, and Illuminaughty, for they are often responsible for the destruction of PC parties that he wanted to TPK. Snoteye finds his dislike not worth reciprocating, since he considers Wiggy irrelevant, flighty, and not worth the conflict. Wiggy earned the enmity of Metropakt during the Time of Transition to Archipelago, for the Scariest DM did not appreciate being denied his conquest of Sanctuary by controlling the Appetite and the first TSKâ€"total server kill. And so the Wiggly one now quietly supports Mort in his brewing battle with the Master of Possessed Goblin Assassins.


Dogma: Beauty is more than skin deep. It issues from the core of one's girth and reveals one's true face to the world, fair or foul. Believe in romance, as true love will win over all. Follow your heart to your true destination. Love no DM more than yourself except Wiggyboy, and lose yourself in his chubby embrace. Perform a loving act each day, and seek to awaken love in others. Respond to hunger at least five times in a day. Encourage eating wherever you find it. Keep your own body as round as possible and as attractively displayed as situations warrant. Let hairstyle and clothing best suit your personal appearance, striving to stir and delight others who look upon you. Moreover, hide not away, but always seek to present yourself to those around you in a pleasing variety of garbs and activities so as to move them with love and desire. Love those who respond to your appearance, and let warm friendship and admiration flower where love cannot or dares not.

[Garem]

[SIZE=+3]Metropakt[/SIZE]



The Character Reaper, Master of Possessed Goblin Assassins, Lord of PvP, Scariest DM
Symbol: The First Murderer (Pwnt)
Home Plane: Possessed level 12 NPCs
Alignment: Chaotic Murderous
Portfolio: Combat, skill-at-PvP, destruction, Total Party Kills
Worshipers: Veteran PvPers, fighters with potion stacks
Favored Weapon: "Goblin Assassin" [a sneaky bastard with death attack] (possessed NPC)

Cleric Alignments: CE, CG, CN
NwN Domains: Chaos, Destruction, Strength, War

History/Relationships: Being murderous of PCs, the debased, insane Metropakt stands on the brink of evil. A nearly elemental DM of destruction, the Reaper has no allies in the pantheons of EfUâ€"the other DMs deal with Metropakt simply by staying the hell away from him. Despite his vacant mind, Metropakt still harbors deep resentment against Howland and his catspaw, Mort. Should these deities meet in the field of combat, there's little doubt that the Lord of PvP would come out the worse of it. Eventually, however, Metropakt's destructive capabilities might transcend his tactical weaknesses, and on such a day, the players of EfU are sure to know true despair.

Dogma: Peace is for weak players. Combat makes all characters stronger, and only in PvP conflict is honor satisfied. Only cowards avoid PvP. Any who strike down a foe from invis or from corner-sneaking demonstrates cowardice. Retreat is never an option, even in the face of a greater foe, for if a warrior's heart is focused on Metro-style PvP, the DM will provide enough to conquer any PC.