Bad Joke Thread

[Sternhund]

Okay, here goes.

Me: What winks and makes love like a tiger?
Her: I don't know...
Me: *winks*

A neutrino walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve neutrinos!" The neutrino says, "I was just passing through!"

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve room temperature semiconductors!" The room temperature semiconductor left without any resistance.

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses!" The virus infects the bartender and says, "Now we do."

A pair of bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria!" The bacteria say, "But we're staff!"

Schroedinger's Cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

A Higgs Boson walks into a Church. The priest says, "We don't cater to Higgs Boson!"
The Higgs Boson says, "But without me, you can't have mass!"

A helium nucleus bursts into a bar. He exclaims, "Somebody just stole one of my electrons!" The bartender says, "Are you sure?" The neutrino says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

Helium walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

I knew a guy who fell into an industrial grinding machine.
He’s fine now.

Have you been to the childhood home of my favorite theoretical physicist? There's a sign out front that says "Heisenberg may have slept here."

Heisenberg was pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am!"

Why did princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seat belt.

A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism is killing his family.

A tachyon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Ereh snoyhcat evres t'nod ew."

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius Strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the spy cross the road? He didn't - he never really was on your side.

[Sternhund]

A termite walks into a pub and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

[Sternhund]

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? - Santa stopped after 3 Ho's

What did tiger woods change his name to?
Lion Cheetah

[Sternhund]

Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

[Ranek]

Minnie mouse catches Mickey mouse cheating on her. She asks in anger:
"ARE YOU FU**ING CRAZY?" He answers:
"No, I'm fu**ing Daisy"

[Equinox]

two chavs have a race off a cliff. who wins?
:Society.

Four chavs in a car drive into a wall and are all killed instantly, why is it a shame?
:It's a five seater

[Sandstorm]

Chemical engineering is a pretty bad joke, too.

[TheMacPanther]

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

[Luke Danger]

A Troll, a Guard, and a Dwarf walked into a bar.
No, wait, the Troll and Guard walked into a bar, the dwarf walked UNDER the bar.

[LongerShanks]

They're selling that five iron that Tiger Woods' wife attacked him with for one million dollars, since it's the only five iron you can be sure has beaten Tiger before.

Ahh, and that night was memorable indeed. It was the first time Tiger hit a water hazard and a tree in the same stroke.

Speaking of celebrities, did you know that they cremated Michael Jackson? They melted him down and turned him into Legos, so little boys could play with HIM for a change.

[MisterBriggs]

ive got a new business exporting trampolines to prague

its going alright, but the cheques keep bouncing

[Daemonic Daz]

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.