Hamdan al-Hamdan's Diary

[thegn]

[A small and relatively unassuming pocket-book. The first page is dirty and foreboding.]

WARNING!!!!
DO NOT READ FURTHER!!!!

If you read a single word more, I WILL find out, I WILL send...

FIVE
HUNDRED
THOUSAND


...assassins after you!

[thegn]

Kanon Hray 28th, IY 7787

Finally!! I am in Ephia's Well! Time to become a true HERO like Tariq ibn Saif and Faris al-Idrisi! In a year's time, I will be known across the deserts as the greatest to have ever lived!

This place is really an utter dump, it's a good thing I came here out of the good of my heart to help these downtrodden sods playing at government. I wasn't here for half an hour before some filthy rag-wearing refugee bastard cannibal threatened to eat me. I knew refugees were bad but I didn't expect them to be this lacking in any kind of dignity. At least a Soldier of the Misfortune was there to hurl that filthy cur into the stocks where he belonged, good riddance!

What a smashing success this day was. I arrive, I cunningly manipulate the small brain of a Janissary to hurl an offending cannibal into the stocks (perhaps I ought to be a detective or general), and more than that-- I lead a rag-tag, albeit, heroic band of the unwashed, unthinking masses into the field of battle and direct them as would an orchestral master to play a symphony of victory!

I can already hear Al-Shu'ara writing ballads in my honour!

[thegn]

Kanon Hray 29th, IY 7787

My brilliance shines bright this fine day!!!

A foolish and arrogant snake-woman tried to assail me and my cronies in the gutters today (I was there for very important reasons), but ha-HA! Little did she know she was facing Hamdan al-Hamdan, grand strategist! Yes, I think I'll call myself that now (more than I already have been already). It's a title befitting of me, after all!

Those drooling flunkies flanking my side couldn't have survived that ambush without me! I can't express my elation at this! Another chance to prove my inherent heroism and magnetism, and what a man I am-- for I've struck success again! That insane snake-woman was more than thoroughly trounced! I was so charitable that day I even let her scurry off with her tail behind her back.

A man can't hog glory without dishing out some mercy, after all!

[thegn]

Kanon Hray 30th, IY 7787

Finally! A croney of Al-Firqa al-Hamrah requested MY genius specifically! My very first commission. I can tell that future captains and generals are going to boil in envy, imagining themselves in the past-- able to purchase the strategic genius of Hamdan al-Hamdan for so cheap a price as a few thousand dinars! They'd drool all over themselves at the thought!

While those mercenaries are infamous for a reason, even a baby could tell plain as day that they couldn't have won, much less survived without my assistance! My genius tactics brought low the metallic-gnome creatures of that accursed island, and my silver-tongue saw us through a perilous ambush!

Oh, how I wanted to haul back that giant monkey-ape-creature's corpse back and taxidermize it to send back to Baz'eel! It would have been a good entry into the Hamdan al-Hamdan museum- Hamdan's mighty victory over a giant mechanized ape! What a display that would be, a true feast for the eyes of all the sophisticated.

... when that museum finally opens (I'm sure it will sooner rather than later).

[thegn]

Kanon Hray 31st, IY 7787

ANOTHER VICTORY!!!

Without a single casualty at that! Can even Mustafa Bey of the Second boast such military successes? I don't think so-- come to think of it, nobody can!

Those stupid Orcs and their half-baked initiatives were utterly unprepared for the genius hidden deep in my hundred thousand stratagems. They even thought they had me killed-- too early for the HERO to step off the stage. Far too early!

Can anyone other than myself play dead so well? I should be an actor-- oh, it's a CURSE to be born with so MUCH talent !!!

What am I to do with myself?!?!

[thegn]

Subat 2nd, IY 7787

WHAT A MESS!!!!

This MORONIC imbecile went up and joined the Janissaries! Doesn't he UNDERSTAND what that entails for him?! Even if that idiot thinks he'll be a soldier for a few weeks and then drop it, by that time he'll alienate nearly the whole of the Well!

NOBODY LIKES GUARDS EXCEPT FOR GUARDS THEMSELVES!!!!

I think I might have to get rid of whatever connection I have with this maniac before he smears his dung-stained hands all over my most pristine and honourable reputation!

[thegn]

Subat 4th, IY 7787

This Sol Auk fellow seems as dead cold as a statue! Dreadful! I don't think he cared for ANY of my ideas! How could he not?! They're all utter genius. Genius! I suppose the finer points are lost on most, I should have expected such, I am such an unrivalled genius of the future. Perhaps my ideas are too advanced, too new, too daring, too supreme. What am I to do with my unrivalled genius?! It mars all my relations with those of lower-intellect (which is almost all), what sordid fate!

No matter, I'll do it alone if need be! And I'll bring about CHANGE!!!! with my own hands.

I hope this Ariel woman does what's right and signs the contract. Then I'll have solved this crisis from that twitchy, nervous stooge, and hopefully get some DINARS in my pockets. How could they refuse? No, they can't possibly refuse-- my advice is too potent, too powerful- like the blood of fifty seven dragons. Each word I utter is a droplet capable of drumming ten giants to a deep slumber. My thoughts are like a hoard of jewels and gold enough to make Baz'eel's fortunes appear squalid! They must sign the contract!!!!!! They MUST!

On the other hand, those awful, eerie nuns treated me respectfully-- as they ought to! They're about the least barbaric reception I've had since I've come to this backwater dump. Yet!!! What awful chat-fellows they are. With their constant smiling (as if I'm funny-looking or a comedian!) and their ghastly robes (such terrible fashion), I feel like I'm at a bloody banquet or a wake whenever I'm in their presence; only that they're happy that whoever's died has gone and kicked the proverbial bucket, and not in any bit ashamed or sad! They're exhibitionist creeps whose exhibition is ~piety~... but piety for WHAT???

What a dreadful cesspit of camel-dung this city is! I never should have come here!

[thegn]

Subat 5th, IY 7787

The Gold League Advisory meeting went VERY well, of course it did, after all- I was there. I entered, my majestic silks billowing in the winds, Warad himself signaling me as a hero! My grand entrance conveyed, I see them bickering together like children-- that Ariel and that Dwarf, Ast, tearing at each other's throats like street cats in an alleyway! But ah! They all listened to ME! To my BRILLIANT stratagems, oh it's such a blessing (AND A CURSE) to be such a genius! Now I've given them my grand strategy, they only need to follow it along to win the election. Unless, of course, some others pay me for MORE strategies- then really I'd be at a loss at who would win, and so would all the analysts the world over.

But onto plans! Plans, yes plans... I'll become a member of this Consortium, I'll become the BANNERET of the people; I'll become...

A HERO OF THE TIMES

... and I'll be loved by everyone, yes everyone!!!

And once that is so, I shall become immortal! Forever known, forever remembered!!! Forever!!!

[thegn]

Subat 8th, IY 7787


WHAT A BARBARIAN!

That boorish fat, miserable, greasy DWARF just made a fool of himself, and the whole of the city! He ought to be flogged for this. And what's this impertinence from these FILTHY refugees nowadays? They have no respect whatsoever... NONE AT ALL!

UGH! If this Acolyte knows ANYTHING AT ALL!!! (which I very highly doubt, seeing the state of foolishness as of late) Then she would do WELL and send me over as a diplomat to remedy this situation.

Much to plan, much to do! The Purple League must convene!!!

[thegn]

Subat 9th, IY 7787


Good riddance! That miserable louse was properly exiled, though I say it would have been a great deal better to have him tossed to the lions! The delegation seems to be underway, and I sincerely hope that Acolyte heeds my sagacious advice carefully.

Much to do! Dear me, too MUCH to write about, even. I hope I'll find some flunkies to help me with the newspaper. Ah, what a patriot I am, offering my precious time for such a patriotic duty. OH WELL! We must have our heroes, and I shall be the one!

The meeting was seemingly forgotten about!!! No matter, I'll arrange for another one. I'll arrange for another one!!

[thegn]

Subat 11th, IY 7787

What a dump! This "HISAR" would be more fitted as a dumping ground for refuse and rubbish, and it certainly looks the part. Of course, they elected me as official envoy, who else could possibly do the title justice? And what a silver tongue I have, I almost frighten myself sometimes with my witty jabs and parries, like a fencer I deflect one gripe and with a flick of my mental épée, I turn a frown into a smile, a gloomy scowl into a cheery grin!

Of course, everyone hurled praise upon praise in the end, but I can't possibly believe I wasn't PAID for this! Oh, no, no I was paid... Paid in reputation! Of course, it'll help me in times to come. VERY SOON!

As for Tlonsiyya, apart from that one gizmo I ordered to arrive from that fat Khurkund dwarf, I can't say I'm looking forward to ever hearing about or seeing the place in the next five hundred years! Let them rot there, with their stink!

[thegn]

Subat 12th, IY 7787

What a ROTTEN DAY!!! I was ordered by this miserable toadie of a Janissary to patrol and cast spells on him, as if I'm his servant to waggle my fingers at his beck and call. How dare he! But an appropriate gift from that Deputy Chief, Aaisha, quickly set my mind to be a patriot and help. After all, I do LOVE Ephia's Well!

As if this initial injustice wasn't enough, some wretched lout of a mercenary, a scheming harlot snuck up behind me and battered the back of my head, ferrying me away into sand-filled tunnels with the purpose of lobbing my right foot off my leg! CANNIBALS! That damned Meat-Mancer Radik is after me, after all, I had his flunkey of a cannibal thrown in the stocks for threatening to eat me, and now they want revenge!!!

Luckily, that toadie rescued me, and I made more than sure enough to shower him in riches! You can be sure that no son of al-Hamdans lacks generosity when rightly deserved! Who would be so foolish as to kidnap ME ?! Impudent interlopers! They'll see!

It's such an utter CURSE to be an al-Hamdan, a prodigious son of such fine breeding... You have adversaries all over!! That cannibal cabal will rue the day they picked a fight with such an unrivalled genius!

JEALOUS BASTARDS!!!!

[thegn]

[This particular page is stained with teardrops all over, spotted like a leopard or leper.]

Subat 13th, IY 7787

What indignity! I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this at all!

They'll see...

THEY'LL SEE!

Urazzir's hex on that HARLOT! May she suffocate on her own spit, a thousand curses on her! Damn her, damn her, damn her, DAMN HER!

DAMN HER!!!

[thegn]

Subat 21st, IY 7787

This is it! This is my time TO shine!

I shall become Legate, step by step.

I shall become a...

HERO!

My face and name shall be etched into stone for eons to come! So what if I have only one leg now?! It's a patriotic sacrifice, yes! I am a patriot! They MUST elect me! They will!

[thegn]

Adar 16th, IY 7787

All the pieces of the puzzle have come together... With my magnificient viziership, and my brilliant disguise as the illustrious Star-Boy... the people WILL acknowledge me...

No...

They will...

WORSHIP ME!!!

I will be loved like no other! They will sing songs of my name in time... in due time! From Tlonsiyya to the farthest reaches of the Desert, even Qa'immi heresiarchs will laud my name! I may have lost the battle for Legate... but I have not lost the war— not yet! No, no! Never! I will NEVER give up!!!