Bard for Hire

[Don Nadie]

The Tale of Sabjar Samman and the Beast Below

[Not so long ago, in the Verdant Stage, listeneres were regaled with another Tale dedicated to the golden, rotund and not too humble Sabjar Samman. Alejandro Benjázar, minstrel for hire, provided an entertaining, objective, and not at all satirical account of the capture of the great Beast now held by the Tower of Q'tolip.]

Read now, you who have eyes, a tale of Sabjar Samman, of endless prowress and virile fertility, father of a thousand bastards! And know this is but one of many, for his achivements are beyond count, and so are his Tales!

Once, was Sabjar Samman walking through Ephia's Well. And in between the women throwing themselves at his arms, and the mothers asking him to marry their daughters, and the men hoping to learn how to reach an inch of his glory, he spied the semblance of a sad Sergeant.

"What bothers you so?", he asked, for the size of Sabjar Samman's heart is only comparable to mountains, and he could not tolerate the suffering of others.

"Oh, Sabjar Samman! You, before whom all men are pale reflections!", cried the Sergeant, "There is a Beast in the Depths, and we must hold it! But it is too strong for any of us!"

"Fear not!", boomed Sabjar Samman, in such masculine tones that more than half of the people gathered arround him fainted, consummed by passion. "I shall save the day, for no sadness must be tolerated, where Sabjar Samman dwells!"

And to the great and joyful cheers of the People, Sabjar Samman took the Sergeant by the arm and led him to the Garrison. There, he met with a group of brave warriors in the green cowls of the Legion, from the tall, dashing halberdier to the lithe archer. They were accompanied by a slim and weak Apothar, who explained the plan.

"Y-you see", he said, in whispery voice, "the Beast must be s-subdued so we can trap it in a bubble. And we need s-strong, strong men to pin it down..."

"Also, n-no, we're not gonna banish or kill it, d-don't worry about it", he added, non-suspiciously, answering the unspoken question in the room.

"Yes, they're not! And there's nothing ominous about it!", echoed the Sergeant, while his soldiers exchanged slightly concerned looks.

"Fear not!", boomed, bravely, Sabjar Samman. With a graceful gesture, he took off his cuirass revealing his marvelous, sculpturally girthful physique. "For if any can subdue this Beast", he boomed, as he began oiling himself, "tis I, Sabjar Samman!"

Once Sabjar Samman had oiled himself, and the soldiers, and after those who fainted at the sight of his bare skin had been rushed to the doctors, the trembling Apothar and his Sergeant led the way to the Depths.

It was dark, in there, and scary. Thankfully, it is known that great men illuminate much like a torch. And if men can illuminate, what of Sabjar Samman?

Well, obviously, even in the deepest darkness he shone so brightly that Pra'raj himself would be jealous... Moreso because the brightness of Sabjar Samman is the generous light of fertility and fortune, which burns not, but instead grows! Oh, were that every household could have a Sabjar Samman of their own, for how much fortune would that bestow, and how much would each household save in lamp-oil!

Thus they went through the tunnels, illuminated only by Sabjar Samman's gleaming purpose. And as they moved deeper and deeper, screeams and scratchings began to be heard... And then... Their broken façades, their twisted limbs, their horrid fangs: The Tormented!

It is known, of course, that the Tormented are strong and powerful. That their skin is almost impervious, that their fangs are endlessly powerful. And so, the Legionaires would've perhaps been doomed... Were they not accompanied by the Dandelion of the Deserts, the Prince of a Myriad Fortunes, He Who Makes the Wyrm Itself Tremble: Sabjar Samman!

Oh, how many Tormented did Sabjar Samman destroy on that day, with the ease that others bat flies? Well, since Sabjar Samman is not only beautiful and strong, but also the keenest mathematical mind of the Great Ash Desert, we know it was precisely fourty three thousand two hundred and eleven.

Ah, but then, as though called by the careless destruction of Its children, the Beast emerged, and roared so wildly the very foundations of the Disc shook.

"Oh, we're doomed!", cried the worried Sergeant, hugging the Apothar in fear.

"W-we shall be d-devoured!", screamed the weakly Apothar, in the Sergeant's tender embrace.

Thankfully for them, Sabjar Samman is a defender of all that is good, and pure in this world, and so he looked back and smiled kindly. "Fear not, you shall once again hold hands and whisper sweet nothings to one-another!", boomed Sabjar Samman. Undaunted, he charged with such reckless abandon many of the Legionares, there and then, decided they'd follow him to the ends of the Disc.

What a brave wrestling match that was! On the one hand, the Beast, as strong as giants and mountains, as forceful as an earthquake, as fearsome as the vastness of the sea! It would've been able to take upon army after army, and still remain tireless!

On the other, however, was none other than Sabjar Samman, whose arms comparable only to the the sturdiest minarets of Osman II, whose legs are like the roots of the world! With peerless power, Sabjar Samman inmobilized the Beast, for as long as it took the Apothar to calm down, clean his tunic and cast his imprisoning spell.

And so emerged back Sabjar Samman, to the elated cheers of the people. And as the Beast was taken away, a large number of princesses, sorceressess, warlockesses and other voluptuous women fought over who'd get to lay with Sabjar Samman first! And with such passion that the Legates themselves had to intervene and establish a lottery system! For while the great Sabjar Samman is tireless, the desire of those who burn him is impossible to quieten.

And thus, the Beast laid within the Tower of the Astronomers for non-nefarious reasons, a myriad children were conceived of the blood of Sabjar Samman, and all was well in the Well.

[Don Nadie]

Al-Hamdan: the Soaring Falcon

[Another delightful performance by the Well's most comissioned bard - Election season remaining, as ever, a good time for the mercenary pen. This time, it was Hamdan al-Hamdan, candidate of the League of Purple, who made the wondrous decision of hiring Alejandro Benjázar for a jingle. Some people (mostly, Alejandro Benjázar) say that such comissions are a sure way of increasing one's chances of becoming Legate...]

A new legend graces our city:
al-Hamdan, of proven worth.
Of bravery, wealth and kindness
you will find he has no dearth!

Al-Hamdan is just the greatest!
No match for his daring heart!
But for all his endless virtues,
forget not that he's so smart!

When the Rossans sought his guidance
they were lead to every prize!
When he guides the Al-Sayyadin
orcan curse his name with cries!

Far above soars this fair falcon
seeing what none else can discern!
Of his strategic vantage
there's so much we can all learn!

For his City and for his League
he's done endless sacrifice.
Now he has a new proposal:
being a Legate without vice!

Oh, how wise to heed his lessons!
Choose him now, before its late!
With al-Hamdams sagely guidance,
being victorious becomes Fate!