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[Subat 24th, IY 7788]

Subat 24th, IY 7788

Recent talk makes it obvious just how ignorant folk are about the refugee crisis... Far too many that go around thinking that there's some singular stroke of genius that'll solve it all in one swift swoop! There isn't! Pretty much nobody else's taking in newcomers, so, each and every day, more and more folk drift towards the only beacon in sight. You're not going to stall the tide so swiftly, not permanently, anyhow. District's the only more lasting measure, and nobody can get it built within a day.

Alternatives are always so vague, too! Fuzzy numbers, allocated somewhere, for something. Don't ask questions, you're spoiling our mood! A lot of the time, it's about them, in the end. Their guilt. Do enough to silence it momentarily, but don't actually get rid of the source. Then there's the profiteering, hidden under the thinnest of veneers... Why are you even bothering to pretend that it isn't obvious why you want the district there? Is there even a single soul that buys your bullshit?

Got the sums, but just the sums... You toss money like that onto the lap of younger me, and it's all going towards destroying his liver. Not saying that there's that many among the refugees that're as desperate and idiotic as that ditzy drunk, but money alone is the worst kind of help when you're surrounded by sharks. Still tossed a sack of coin into the Stockade's bowl... Why? Because I entertain the belief that there has to be at least someone who knows how to put that money into actually beneficial use... and some money's still better than nothing at all!

Sweet charity! Tangled and twisted insofar that it barely resembles itself... My simple wish for smiles seems selfless in comparison to all this nonsense!

[Subat 23rd, IY 7788]

Subat 23rd, IY 7788

I met a gnomish gentleman, and his monkey! They'd faced a lot of prejudice during their arrival here... Well, only the gnome did. Maybe the monkey too, but he didn't bring it up. Anyhow, some folk were apparently trying to get them killed, by telling them to go down into the gutters while all that dangerous nonsense was going on? What's wrong with some folk? That's absolutely awful! People would avoid this shithole if there was anywhere else to go!

Tennis practise, on the other hand, is a lot of fun. No proper court to be found, so, I just practise at home... in the bedroom, after moving the mirror! Even Tonka enjoys it... She tries catching the ball, and everything! Well, I say "tries", but she manages to do just that, most of the time. It's simply grand! Having the bed in the way adds an additional layer of challenge... and comfort! I can just take a nap after I get too tired to continue.

What else...? Oh, yeah. People have been asking about medals... Dropped a document about them into the Divan files. And of course, Colmes, being his curmudgeonly self, immediately calls them "useless". He also called the safeguard against the beasts from down below that, so... Not sure how much weight his words carry. I mean, the Portable Snowglobes are pretty much meant for the lazy and and the forgetful... Granted, we have a lot of folk like that. Still, not much point in winning a war if your home is invaded by another enemy force in midst of it... I'm pretty sure allowing that to happen is terrible strategy.

[Subat 22nd, IY 7788]

Subat 22nd, IY 7788

One of my colleagues died... Beasts from down below. Couldn't find out who it was, exactly... Makes me feel useless. I want to do right by them and their family, make sure everything's taken care of. Just the lack of a name makes me tense. How many of them are like that? Just invisible, in the end? Perhaps some prefer it that way... Can't imagine why, myself.

Ithelred and Ruine... Dead, too. Didn't get to know either of them that well. Especially not the latter. Wish I had talked with Ithelred, more, at least. Selfish reasons, perhaps... Wanting to understand the Spring from more than one perspective. But just not that, really... Just like having friends. For the sake of having them.

Can't help but feel a little guilty... I do always tell folk how dangerous these jobs are, but... Is that really enough? How much am I supposed to do? Go through every excruciating detail and you've no volunteers, whatsoever. Is it lying if I don't? Does it matter? People want to help... I want to help. But I'm a paper-pusher, a tailor... No matter how folk see me, I'd just be a burden if I tried something more direct. Orc stabs me with a spear and I'm dead. I know I would've died...

Yet I feel so useless. How do I help? Am I doing enough? I've got money, but even with it, people don't always tell me what they need... And I certainly don't understand how much they need in battle, especially when it comes to war. If I had done something differently, would both of them be alive? Would my colleague be alive if I had assigned them elsewhere?

Wish I could just live and not feel so fucking guilty about it.

[Subat 21st, IY 7788]

Subat 21st, IY 7788

Being a spotter for the artillery is so stressful! I guess I still care too much about what others think... But when someone returns to the camp, shrieking like a banshee, how am I supposed to feel? Real bad, is how I end up, anyhow. Felt like never doing it, ever again! But then most were saying that the shots were real good, and my colleagues told me that Nibb hit like, near a hundred orcs? I don't get it!

Like, I only called shots when there was nobody but orcs near the flares... And people were warned that there's a delay... So, if they were under it, it's their own fucking fault? So, maybe I shouldn't give a shit... Twelve seconds is twelve seconds.

Anyhow... A lot of people keep asking me to get dolls for Azimi. Like, a lot. I don't know why they ask me? Like, for some, the logic seems to be... "he makes clothes, so he knows how to make dolls, too"... which is complete fucking nonsense? Like, how does that make any sense whatsoever? The others don't even dare to give a reason, as if I can't figure it out. That's like, so demeaning, and so offensive.

I honestly don't feel like helping them with it, because I don't want to become known as the "doll guy"... Why can't I get assignments that are related to my actual talents?

[Subat 20th, IY 7788]

Subat 20th, IY 7788

None of these natural philosophers can make up their minds... One book said that fish don't sleep at all, another said that only some of them do, and the third said that they're like elves, and engage in reverie, instead! Which, by the way, is just a different sort of sleep, in the end... I mean, they lay down to do it, occasionally. If you find it easier to do it in bed, then it's probably sleep!

About half and half, really... Elven boys insist that the other thing is different for them, too... What nonsense! They do it just the same as any other bloke!

Otherwise, I spent most of the day making a list... Volunteers. It's a lot of standing around, waiting for people to come to you. Even some water spirit came by? Either they were the most patriotic collection of fluids to flow through our streets, or even water spirits are forced to labor in this economy! The priority job is the bane of our time! That and war, I suppose...

Anyhow... Selwyn's feeling real blue, of late... And not just because of their robes. Someone's been saying nasty things about them! Whomever it is, is a real jerk... Selwyn's not really as capable of ignoring people's camelshit as I am? In fact, they can't seem to manage that much at all. A lot of folk can't. But what you really need to learn is that some folk are real starving for attention, and the only way they know how to get it, is to keep yapping and yapping and yapping, putting other people down with each mouthful...  If you don't give them any, they just wilt! And if they manage to make you angry... Well, shred them with a well-placed retort of your own!

[Subat 19th, IY 7788]

Subat 19th, IY 7788

The usual stroll through town, and nary a compliment... Not even the typical "hey Bashir did you quit because you obviously wear your uniform all of the time because this makes sense somehow"... Which means that it's boring! It's not even simply that, it's soporific! Horrid! Horrible! If I can't figure it out, I'm just returning to "Mango"... And I couldn't even figure out the stripes on that. Have to have a healthy amount of challenge... Healthy! Not this utter boulderlike burden that I threw upon myself!

And now, I'm tired, real tired because I just kept tossing and turning around in bed, thinking of peacocks... A nightmare, of my own doing! Got me thinking, though... I really need something in the mornings, to pep me up. Should start playing tennis... Or, as the pseuds call it, "jeu de paume". I think it just sounds fancy, but probably means something like... "hit the ball". Had so many men try to impress me with their hobbies with fancy names, and it's always just that... There's nothing wrong with a little ball handling! Stop embellishing simplicity! There's a beauty to it for a reason!

Simplicity... I'll just dedicate a design to Tonka, at this point... Well, I was going to do that, anyhow, but later.

What else...? Oh, a bunch of people don't seem to understand the Scald's history. Which is fair, most everyone's an immigrant to this hellish place, but when it's folk that've been provided with plenty of clues towards reading material, then it's simply annoying! Seems pointless to even try... Worse than pointless. Aggravating! So many people that ask a question, you answer it, and then with their next question, they immediately ignore the things that you just said! And I do better, even though I'm someone whose chakras are all over the place and I can't fucking concentrate because of it, because I start wondering about shit like, I don't know, how do fish sleep? Do they turn upside down like bats, or sideways? Do they close their eyes? Do they snore? What do they dream of? Would they enjoy some chamomile tea?

I'm going to the library!

[Subat 18th, IY 7788]

Subat 18th, IY 7788

Blue, brown, green... All of these come together perfectly upon their plumage! So, why can't I get it right...? Maybe I'm not inspired enough... or maybe nature's a far better artisan. I mean... I'm using pigments. Anyone who's tried extracting pigment out of those tailfeathers knows that it's actually all brown! The glorious splendor that we see is merely an illusion brought on by the subtle structure of the feather... I'm good, great even, but I don't know if I can manage that with fabric.

Could just go with turquoise... But you need to balance it, anyhow. Can't just dump the suit in a bucket full of turquoise... Oh, and it's a suit, for now. I'll probably change my mind within the next hour, and it'll become a mantua, or just plain leather tunic, or... a capote. I don't know. I like capotes. But if they make you think of any bird, it's probably grouse? Yeah... I'll scratch capote off the list. I'll work on "the Grouse" after the Astronomers fuck up and bring forth eternal winter.

Could just use the feathers on their own... Yet that'd be so expensive, and so much work, and I'd get so many complaints from wimps about the feathers making them sneeze. Worst of all, though? It'd be obvious. "Oh, you made a little peacock affair, from their feathers? That's cute, Bashir... And so obvious," they'd mewl, and then they'd snort so loudly that you'd think that their nose is completely clogged up with slice spice. And you'd think right, because that's usually the case with these snobby little critics.

I'm sure I'll figure this all out, eventually... And when I do, it'll be my most gorgeous work yet!

[Subat 17th, IY 7788]

Subat 17th, IY 7788

Narwen painted a portrait... of me and Tonka! It is the grandest gift that I've ever been given, because she made it herself. It is her emotions and thoughts, committed to canvas... It both begets and depicts... Something new, and something old. I absolutely adore it. I wish I could give her something so grand in return... I'll have to think on it, a lot.

I reread yesterday's entry... I don't do that a whole lot, immediately the day after. But... It's embarassing. Really embarassing.

I don't like ranting... And I don't like besmirching someone that I genuinely like, to such an extent. But I can't stand being told to be quiet, at all! Not even when I know that I'm wrong... I just want to speak, to hear my own voice, to be heard, without it being dependent on someone letting me do so! Anyone tries different? Picture them as a devil in my head... Doesn't matter if they are. That's just how they appear. Become a worse person, myself, too. Shift. Head filled with so many passions that I get lost in them.

She only allowed me to speak... She never simply listened. Her mother did... Yet, in the end, it was for her own sake. Merely a desperate attempt of clutching at a soul long since lost.

That's in the past, though. Obviously a part of me, still, but... just a part. Nothing more.

"Begin anew". Done so. Many a time! Extent of it just differs... Been many people. Core's still been there, every single time. Can't change your core... Can change how you look at it. Whether through lying to yourself, or by simply switching perspectives. Sometimes they're the same.

"Begin anew"... Strange words from folk whom were chained to the past. Their very birthright. No, not a right... Just a burden, really. Guess the same was done to me. Guess I keep doing it to myself. Guess that's a lot of people. Maybe even most.

I keep looking back, too much... Not to the extent that I used to, but still. It's good to reflect, but... Kind of an useless mirror, in the end. Only partially tells you about the present.

These days, they call me "Big Bash". It's who I am. No... It's who I became. Much more about what you do than who you are. Not going to even entertain the tale that I made it happen all by myself. Given, and taken. Like a lot of things in life!

Paint a pretty picture... Something that makes folk smile. Bring them some joy to their lives amidst all this misery. Something meaningful! Whatever it is that they need in their life...

I don't even give a damn if that's silly, or naive, or... jejune... It's what I believe. And if that's the sliver of truth that I can hold onto in my life...?

Then it's enough.

[Subat 16th, IY 7788]

Subat 16th, IY 7788

Argent's a Kha'eshi, now... Apprentice to Azarmidokht, too. Guy loves gold so much... Well, I guess they both do. Anyhow, they love gold so much that Argent's hands are now pure gold. I don't think it's bodypaint. It's mighty peculiar, and not something that I want to stare at for too long. Very unnerving. His jump between borders made a lot of folk mad, understandably so. Complaint pile's been piling up... I didn't even read a tenth of them.

Ricky was missing today... I thought it was yet another of his benders, and that he was stuck in a ditch somewhere, pissing his drawers and yelling about how much it all hurts. So, I made a catty comment on the bellows about it. I wouldn't have said anything if I knew that he was in actual trouble.

You just have to understand that me and the other Scribes have been covering up the bell-end's mistakes for more than a year now... Well, the others have been doing that for far longer. He has a reputation in Baz'eel, and everything. Half the shit he's done is so wrong that even my publisher wouldn't print it if I submitted it.

Zol Nur, the fat fuck, of course, jumped to conclusions  – an action that he can only make in the mental sense because of his fat fuck form – and said that I don't have respect for the lives of others. Told me to shut the fuck up, too.

A completely and utterly insulting declaration. Debased, even, considering the many times that he has come to me, to tug at my heartstrings, because he can't bear the responsibility for something himself, probably because he's scared of the Azimi twins or Oro.

That's what folk do. They come to me, to shift the responsibility, because they don't want to face the risks themselves. They know that despite the mask, I'm weak. The kind of person to cry when they accidentally step on a weed that's peeping out of the pavement. A bleeding heart.

And when I let the mask slip enough that I can see my actual reflection... I do cry at night. Too often. Some of these lists are hellish. Names of folk that died in squalor. At least once a week I spend my eve just wondering if I could've done something for them, even if I know that I couldn't. You sign off on the decisions of others, in this business. You don't get to actually decide.

I don't care about life? I care about it more than you ever will. I've seen so many people die, grasping to some faint hope that their lives will get better. Yet you have never taken even a single step to walk along them, and you've never actually witnessed their pain for what it is. Instead, you dance along to the waltz, each step yet another act of self-deception. Your mirage of innocence, self-inflicted.

Fuck you.

[Subat 15th, IY 7788]

Subat 15th, IY 7788

I've been so busy, this week... So much has happened! The strangest thing was probably when my shoes came to life and fixed up Marcellus' library, after a bomb went off there? However, everyone else acted as if that was nothing special? Do their shoes do that, too? I don't think so. I just think everyone has even less of an attention span than I do... Which is quite the achievement!

It's Zain's influence, no doubt... I remember when he used to fix up everything, even stuffs and things that were scrapped on purpose! Now, my beloved shoes do the same... It's mighty peculiar. What a pity that they can't mend themselves. They're real worn. I think I have to do that myself, instead... I don't want to lose them! Maybe I can spruce them up a little, too. Or a lot!

Anyhow... Inky and me have been reading Seriyah's stories... We really liked them, up until they transformed into pure gibberish! I think it's some kind of avant-garde approach. I don't like it at all! Just tell me a riveting tale, instead of attempting to revolutionize literature itself! The only word that we understood in that mess was "gay"... Which is one of my favorite words, alongside "bergamot", "florescent", and "rump"!

PULCHRITUDINOUS! INSOUCIANCE! ZENZIZENZIZENZIC!

[Subat 14th, IY 7788]

Subat 14th, IY 7788

The Sandstone is the strangest school that I've ever heard of... Turns out that they've trained rabid dogs, just so that they can be sicced on any unfortunate student who's not wearing the potato sack! So, you only have two options, if you attend this shitty school... Either look like an utter tosser, or get rabies! I'm so glad that I attended the Dapper Lad Vocational School, instead. Our school uniform is whatever we make ourselves!

There was a lot of ranting on the bellows, afterwards... Angry students, and that archivist guy went on a power trip. He kicked out so many students, with a simple dash of his quill... What a dingus! But perhaps it is for the best, in the end. Nobody should stay at such a shitty school!

Anyhow... I started working on my latest design. It'll be dedicated to Tavuskusu, the Celestial Peacock! My absolute favorite constellation, and my favorite bird! Besides Magnifica, I suppose... The problem, as ever, is that I have about twenty different sketches for the same idea. It's horrid! Yet the prismatic plumage of the peacock is an infinite source of inspiration... And that's before you add the stars themselves to the mix. Finding the design that's just right is a challenge that I simply adore!

[Subat 13th, IY 7788]

Subat 13th, IY 7788

Cogsworth nearly blew up the War Camp, and half the army along with it! Well, he could've done that, if he had continued working with such a limited understanding of the Snowglobes... Inventing stuff seems real hard. I'm glad that I'm not an inventor! Bringing forth the new by way of the finest fabrics is vastly preferable to... connecting a few cogs and sprockets together until they explode? I don't know. I'm not sure what inventors actually do.

I wonder what he's going to do with all that silver...? Maybe he can pawn it off to a werewolf slayer... Whom wouldn't pay very well, since there's not much work available around here for such a hunter! So, he should just sell it to a kindly ol' granny. They love silverware!

Other than that, not much else happened... I spent about an hour, just watching Inky and Tonka play "Roll the Parchment", while knitting a sock... It's their favorite game! Magnifica used to play along, too... Well, I thought that she was playing. Turns out that she was just trying to eat it, but couldn't catch it due to her plumpness! When she finally managed to catch it once, she soon discovered that it wasn't edible. Not tasty, anyhow. So, now, she just spectates, with great disapproval.

A lot happens in our household!

[Subat 12th, IY 7788]

Subat 12th, IY 7788

Get real excited about having two competent Scribes working the floor, yet after a few months, one grabs a katana and assigns himself to basement labor in a permanent fashion, and the other quits in order to... what? Become some sort of vigilante? I don't know.

Don't know if I'm just a terrible boss, either. I try to do right by everyone... Everyone that's actually working, anyhow. Even with the layabouts, I try to find out why... Can't be just laziness. Not most of the time, anyhow. Am I still fucking up, just more subtly...? I don't know. I really don't know much, in the end.

"Softer heart"... Yet I can't even bring myself to say what I actually think. I don't even know why. Don't know if I'm stuck in the role, don't know if I'm just a coward, don't know if I just care too much about what other people think...

I just don't know.

[Subat 11th, IY 7788]

Subat 11th, IY 7788

Can't ever be so simple.

Scald's fucked. Isn't just the heat, it's what's in it. Or the ground... I don't really understand it. Whatever it is, it singes the very souls of the fallen to such an extent that they're reduced to shambling cadavers, filled with a fiery fury. Not their own, however. Just the Scald's. Hates anything that enters. Hates.

Then there's the threat under the Well itself... Another echo that won't stop repeating the cacophony. Makes me really despise the Colossi. I don't give a fuck what circumstances they found themselves in. Nothing's worth this. Nothing. "Many are the sorrows"? They're manifold for the simple refugee that's just trying to navigate through the turmoil that you fucking left behind. And they're forced to do that in order to simply survive. Just to breathe.

Qadiran ambassador... I don't really care. A has-been sociopath from a has-been state. Doing whatever they can in order to cling to some semblance of relevance. Only things they have in abundance are delusions of grandeur and venereal disease.

And visions...? I'm tired of visions. Tired of the vague, the nebulous. Rather have the apparent, no matter how harrowing it might be.

[Subat 10th, IY 7788]

Subat 10th, IY 7788

The ashsail route to the Scald is now open... and I helped! Captain Immet even sent a letter to thank me... If a man like that could be tamed, I'd certainly be the one to do it! But for now, I'm simply sated by having his attention... Even if he's directing that to thousands of others, too. It's just that I happen to be the absolutely prettiest one to hold it!

Arriving at the War Camp, it quickly became painfully obvious, just how much work there is to be done. There's a ton. We really need to get started on a bunch of projects. I hope I can be of help... I'm kind of tired of messing up all the time, even if lately, folk have been really grateful... Whatever. I did help folk ward off an orcan assault, and then I even labored as a spotter for the artillery! It was simultaneously thrilling, and absolutely horrifying. Feels strange.

I still feel really guilty about my colleagues... I really wish I didn't have to send them there. But I swear that I'm going to do my absolute best to outfit them in such a way that they make it back home! Hell... If I have any pull, I'll recommend that they get a transfer to Baz'eel after their service. They deserve it... I don't even care if they hate me for the rest of their lives, they're my responsibility now, and bringing them home is all that matters!