Dear Scribe of Sanctuary, here follows my book: JON JOVEM’S “NOT SO HAPPY” TALES. I would like to have several copyes of it since i have so much fans!
JON JOVEM’S “NOT SO HAPPY” TALES
This book was scribed by the famous Bard, Jon Jovem in the time that he was not fighting dangerous creatures or saving fragile maidens from the claws of evil.
This book is dedicated to Mr. Arto Jarrina, who stimulated and encouraged me to do it, to my very special friend Ruby Cannonball (always a source of inspiration) and is also dedicated to my closest friends (they know who they are).
The little Halfling against the Giant
Once upon a time there was a little halfling. Here you may say that this is obvious, all the halflings are little! But here I must say that this halfling was so little that he was little amongst the little ones. He was really little!
That halfling that was known by the name of Guapo Melllagrion, was walking through a road in a dark cave of Sanctuary when he spotted a mighty and huge giant. Here you may say that I'm being obvious again because everybody knows that all the giants are huge. Well, here I must say again that this giant was so huge that he was huge amongst the huge ones.
The giant, whose name was Ug Maintecaptus, was walking in the opposite direction of our little Guapo, singing an stupid and nonsense song about birds and candles and didn't noticed the little one. And what about Guapo? You should ask, what did he do? Well, the little one became frozen by the fear, he really didn't know what to do.
So Guapo started to think, "Well, I must run away from him. But this is not the clever thing to do since one hundred of my steps make just one step of him. No, run away is not a good option here.", "Well, I must try to be quiet and hide, I am very good at hiding and maybe he didn't noticed me. But what if he did noticed me and is just pretend he didn't? No, to hide is not a good option here.", "Well, I must try to fall on my knees and beg for mercy. But what if the giant has an evil heart and just smiles and smashes me like a little worm? No, beg for mercy is not a good option also.".
At this time Ug, who really didn't noticed the little Guapo, lifted up his foot and, with just one step, crosses over the head of the little halfling and continued to walk like nothing ever had happened, singing his stupid song about birds and candles. The little halfling all sweat by the fear, took a deep breathe and, by it's turn, continued his walk too.
Moral Lesson #1: To think is always the best solution at any situation.
Moral Lesson #2: Giants that sing songs about birds and candles are very stupid and don't care very much about little ones.
Moral Lesson #3: What a lucky halfling!
The two mighty warriors
Once upon a time there was a city in which two mighty warriors lived, one at the east side while the other at the west side, respectively.
The first warrior was a dwarf and his name was Globulus BrancusHammer. He had the strength of ten men and the will of a lion, and just at the sight of his dark eyes, the hearts of valorous men could simply stop beating. He had an axe, a two bladed axe in fact and he was very proud of his iron shield. He was the best warrior that a dwarf could be.
The second warrior was an half-orc known and called by his name (of course storyteller): Juca Mahliboo. That one had the size of a bull and the agility of a cat, and there was little people living in his wide chest. He had a bastard sword which size were equal to three men, one above each other shoulders. He was the best warrior that a half-orc could be.
Some day, at this city, was announced a tournament that will give a prize to the best warrior of the town. All the warrior from the east, which are feared of Globulus, avoided to inscribe themselves at the tournament. All the warrior from the west side of town, which are feared of Juca, avoided to inscribe themselves at the tournament. So, the tournament became reduced to just one fight of the two mighty warriors.
The people were divided: half of the population thought that the dwarf would win, the other half thought in the opposite way, the orc had all the conditions to win. All the people went to the City Arena at the day of the match. All the people! No one could miss the fight.
But in that day, one goblin army that was aware of the match took advantage of the situation, closed the doors of the Arena with all the people of the City in, and burned the building that catch on fire killing all, including the two mighty warriors.
Moral Lesson #1: Someone has to be alert, always. The goblins could show up and the things could get ugly.
Moral Lesson #2: Cast fire on a warrior and he will die, with or without armor.
Moral Lesson #3: You'll never know who would win the fight.
The Meeting
Once upon a time there was a meeting of people of all races in one attempt to fortify the bonds of friendship and also to exchange experiences and new technologies. There were Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Gnomes, Halflings, Orcs and even Kobolds. They all were there!
In that meeting everyone could have a little taste and sample about the others gastronomy, fashion, way of living etc. It was a great party!
In one corner of the meeting, and that’s all I want to talk about since the beginning of the Tale, there were a gnome (Lubrico Saltinhand), an elf (My’lhitlian Swen’soares) and one Orc (Grumos Urdh). And these guys were talking about the accomplishments of their own people, starting from the gnome:
_ Gentlemen, you see, my people is so developed at engineering that we have created a machine that digs the earth upwards so one can get to the surface. _ Wow! It digs till the surface? (asked the elf). The Orc poked his nose. _ Well (said the gnome), not till the surface, but almost there! The elf nodded with enthusiasm and said: _ Well, now it’s my turn! My people, which is a real pretty people, composed a song that is capable to calm down even the furious beast! _ Wow! The song is capable to calm down even a Red Dragon? (asked the gnome). The Orc spits. _ Well (said the elf), our village’s bard almost calmed down one Red Dragon, before got eaten. _ I suppose so! (said the gnome with a shy smile). And how about your people, my dear Orc friend, what did your people do? The Orc scratched his head, thought a little bit and said, triumphant: _ Well, at my tribe all the ladies have three breasts! _ Three breasts?? (asked together the gnome and the elf). _ Well, they just have two, in fact, but two is almost three, it isn’t? (said the Orc, victorious).
Moral Lesson #1: Almost is just almost, is not “there”, it will never be “there”
Moral Lesson #2: This was a pretty intelligent Orc, hu?