A series of letters, copies are given to Officer Barkley, and Scribe Myrta with instructions to please pass the extra copies onto the surviving Council members and the sheriff.
Herein is the disposition of Shamus Quidnunc, hero-investigator on the torture, death, and recovery of Agent Strife of the Spellguard. On the day of the event in question, I was testing out seige equipment in a rat infested section of the city when I heard a calling about an auction and show to be held near the Dark Lake. I enjoy shows, especially shows with clowns but this show was not going to have any clowns at all but even without a few clowns I thought I'd go and sure enough when I arrived there were no clowns. There was a catapult though, and a badly dressed woman next too it.
She looked beat up badly, but the gnomes there said it was make up. Lots of people were watching and I paid my admittance fee and won a cloak that belonged to the woman although I didn't know that at the time and it turns out she wasn't really a woman or even a clown but was really Agent Strife made to look like a woman and she was really beat up because it wasn't make up on her at all--only I didn't know that then.
After the show, someone told me it wasn't really a show and I thought "Oh my gosh, that poor ugly woman was really in danger and we let her get shot out of a catapult with her little dwarf friend". So I leapt into the water to swim to their rescue. I fought off a shark, I think it looked a lot like a mako shark but it was hard to tell on account of all the jelly fish stinging me so badly my eyes were swelling shut. Which is unusual for jelly fish, since they're well known to be pacifists...*a long essay on the life cycle of jelly fish commences for 15 pages*
I rescued the bodies but they were definitly bodies because they weren't breathing but some guys in armor said maybe they were alive even though they weren't and I said so and then they said so.
Then I came back to town. Then I went to see if the priests had helped Agent Strife who I don't know, but he seems nice and has pretty hair. Only a private in the watch arrested me for telling him about the Agent's murder. Then in the cell he said his name was Ian Lockwood and that I didn't want to make him mad. I didn't. So I went and sat down to take a nap. He came into the cell after me and stabbed me with his sword, I was shocked and couldn't believe it. I tried to use magic to save my life, and he just hurt me more. Then he took all my gold, except a little I had in my sock and made me apologize for being in my jail cell.
I couldn't believe it. I tried to help and he hurt me and tortured me. This was wrong. So I told the Spellguard, and then Ian came after me there too only the really nice fat agent with all the candy who I forgot to get a name from told him that he wasn't going to be able to do that and then Ian threatened to hurt me next time Agent Angel wasn't there to protect me.
Then Agent Angel, that's what Ian called the fat one, so I'm going to stick to that name until we get another name asked me to write down what happened. So I'm doing that. I wanted to add a few things though.
Namely, I am sueing Private Ian Lockwood and the city watch for their use of torture, illegal arrest, and unlawful confiscation. I am also proposing a new law be passed clearly outlawing the use of torture by the watch along with the forced exile of anyone who commits the crime of torture. *a very long explanation of torture and torture methods follows for approximately 30 pages*.
Shamus Quidnunc
PS the gnome that was running the event and was in charge of the crime had big greasy mustaches that he played with all the time and he wore a pink suit. He had two comrades, they wore helmets to hide their faces though but they were both gnomes.