Nothing in life is Free I....Finality

I think I hear some man of an unknown clergy standing over me, screaming I will make it. My body is full of arrow holes and I am laying here naked. Each breath is labored and slow and I believe I can here the rush of blood and other fluids filling my already collapsed lungs. I cannot make out the figures standing over my body leaning in, looking at me. Their faces are dark and blurred. Perhaps the dancing shadows around the weakened torchlight that take a sick delight in torture. Perhaps it is this thick film of my own blood pouring from the gash in my forehead covering my line of sight with a rapid, unstoppable pace. What, am I not already disoriented enough? Do you, Lord of the Wetlands find this amusing? I have served you well, even more so than any have spoke your name. I find each breath more difficult than the last. I think I will succomb to the advance of blood from my headwound and close my eyes under its weight. I can no longer move my legs and the figures standing over my body are shouting and yelling at me. They seem to speak an unknown language. Or maybe I cannot understand them from the loss of life in me. I do not have the strength to keep my eyes open in the cascade. I remember.....I am Ini-Herti al Musa. A strong man. A strong Mulhorandi man. Faithfull and devoted..I remember...I alone brought your Name to the faithless...I remember the promises....I remember I am Free...I remember I am Free....I remember I am Free.............I remember......

The Surface...Dieing Memory I

I am Ini-Herti al Musa. Second generation Mulan slave to the Red Wizard Allaanzahar. Our family has been enslaved for as long as anyone can recall. Let me tell you something about being enslaved from birth. It's not all that bad. We are kept for and looked after. Often times abused and tossed aside as trash, though we have no decision in anything. And Allaanzahar is not a nice man. Not at all. Still, the tasks he requests are not difficult. And a content Master is a content Ini.

For most of my upbringing, I have been doing as told by him. I dont ask nor do I question. My father never says a word neither does my mother. So why would I question it? Master, as we called him, came to me, telling me I was to be traded. Traded. You cannot imagine the stress and strain this inflicted on me. But it was about business and it was time for me, the slave to be gone. I was a bit sad because I knew at this young age, I was soon to leave my parents and be removed from all that I knew. I was only 18yrs of age. 18yrs! I do not see myself living past the age of 25 though. I was to be traded to my new Master up North. The North. What is the North?

I never new who it was. All I knew was I was to head to town, and work some caravan and at the end meet my new Master. And of course, I thought I did something wrong. When people anger it is because I have done wrong. Is it not? The ground was snow covered. The trees were heavy with snow. The air was bitter cold. Where in all of Ra's creation am I! I am alone. Far from all that I ave known. I arrived at the towns gates. The caravan went well enough and all goods were accounted for. I was in a large party of different peoples, a barbarian, a dwarf, two women, an elf, and myself. The elf intrigued me...she intrigued me yes she did....yes, yes she did. We completed the mission and were just about to disperse while I stood waiting for my new Master to claim his baggage. I kept looking over my shoulder looking for my new Master to appear. Wonder when he was to show himself and claim me? Im dieing to get out of this cold. Where is he?

Master Never Showed...Dieing Memory II

Where was my new Master? I had not the slightest idea and was begining to become concerned. The sound of distant thunder or a rush of many feet on the ground-even the snow covered ground-began to grow. There was loud yelling. Small tremors shook the earth. Orcs! Goblins! They were swarming the gates, and determined to enter. The gates burst open. Rushing us in a frenzy! We drew our weapons and began to defend ourselves. My head was spinning! I couldnt make heads nor tails of what was going on! So much blood! So many voices, so many screams! What was happening! I looked left, I looked right, my party was already in action. and trying hard to organize against this threat.

So I drew forth my bow, and held tight in one hand a fistfull of arrows and began to sling them out into the orcs. So many orcs were flooding the gates and I could not even tell if I was piercing any of them. There were so many of them! Large waves and they kept coming. One breached the gate we held hard to keep closed. The wild barbarian with us, was swinging his axe in wild arcs and having a great deal of success. That same orc turned his attention on me and advanced towards me. I dropped my bow and brought forth my sword and we began to duel. I cut him down pretty quick, but I realized I was injured by some unknown goblin archer somewhere out in the frenzy. Looking down at the pure white snow covered ground, I could see it was turning red. Red with the blood from this entire evenet. We were overrun! They kept advancing and we were forced to retreat inch by inch. How could I continue on! Where was my new Master! I grabbed my bow again and began to sling more arrows into the sea of orcs which seemed to be swelling. I was sure to run dry of arrows sooner than later and looking at my companions they began to show signs of despair. The next thing I knew was a sharp pain in my head. It turned black. Oh my head! I fell forward on my face this much I recall, and it began to sparkle and glitter in short bursts. Is this what a concussion is? Out of my left eye, the only one still not swollen shut, I saw a grinning orc beating me over and over and I closed my eyes. I give up. I give up. I....Give....In...!!! I blacked out.

It all happened so Fast...Dieing Memory III

I was roughly brought to me knees still half blacked out and half numb. Rubbing my head, I looked at this squid looking thing. I remember that I have never heard of such a creature in all of Ra's world. He had suckers coming from all places out his face. Ive never seen anything like it. A most disgusting yet interesting looking thing. And as I opened my swollen eyes, I saw the orcs which attacked us standing idle and quiet at ease in the presence of Squidman as I call him now. This squidman, was telling us we were his slaves now. At that moment, I was enraged. Anger filled my veins. THIS squidman is my Master? THIS is who I was traded to? I had been deceived...nothing new in my life. I am always deceived..only this time, deception is breeding hate inside me. I remember feeling hate.

Now my party didnt take to kind to that mind you, but Im used to being enslaved. They panicked and fluttered around unsure of what next to do. Looking at squidman through a servants eyes, I realized if these new slaves were to remain in this living Realm, then they must adhere to what he says. I organized them into single file. And there we stood. Quiet waiting our instructions. So as he tossed us new clothes to put on he gave us our instructions. Something about keeping our brains soft-which I thought to myself kind of crazy considering mine was bruised by the orc companions he associated with. I didnt have a clue what was happening. I put the clothes on, seeing as all my other things were gone or more accurately, stolen. Who knows what happened to me when I blacked out. These new clothes smelled like fish or brine. The outfit really smelled bad. We were all shackled and dressed the same. This reminded me of Thay. The squidman seemed to smile in a wretched way at my leadership in organizing the slaves but nonetheless ignored me. On we marched with our orc captures close behind. Into some cave. Out of the cold. I was glad to be out of the cold. Finally my new Master is showing signs of compassion...

The cave went on and on deeper and deeper. The light from outside dwindled and soon vanished. And as we got far enough away from the mouth of the cave the squidman killed the orcs who captued us! Now I began to get scared. This is even worse than how the Thay would treat me. And I had no idea what the squidman was or where we were. On we walked. Then some stones began to slide down the rock-faces of the cave walls. A deep thunder seemed to echo from the ground and around the corner came some frost giants! Giants! I have been taught of these half man half god beings from the godkings back home but never seen one before. They dominated and slaughtered the squidman and looked at us. They told us to leave! LEAVE! Where! WHERE! We all ran and left. I remember feeling the hate swirl in my veins again only now coupled with complete frustration. You dont have to realize that if a giant says move-you move when you are actually face to face with one. So we moved.

We all ran around in a frenzy looking for any kind of an exit from this nightmare of Set. We found this mineshaft and down we lept. Right into more caves. This is happening so fast I cant recall. And my head is pounding. Like a fragmented dream we were led to the town Sanctuary. a place of safety for escaped slaves....and here is where I learned I was freed. I am Free. But what not? I now feel nothing but loss, seperation, anxiety, hate and confusion. Free....free at last?!?!?

Headaches and Dreams...The Flawed Gem I

So here is the town of Sanctuary. I am free. What under Geb does that mean? Ive known nothing other than not being free and to be honest Im not coping with this new freedom well. I cant seem to grasp this concept. Furthermore, my emotions are overloaded. I am however, beginning to realize that I can make my own choices and not have another make them for me. There are so many different races, so many different kinds of people, so many new things and people and thoughts and cultures. And with this, many of these free people have their own minds and own decisions. All this freedom creates chaos. I know that it only leads to chaos I do not understand this at all.

As far as race goes, I have now met a gnome, a half-drow elf, and a full-elf..the elf that intrigued me before. How she still does. The half-drow is brash and confident. Talking with him, I realized that we share a thread. This is where the headaches began. I remember exactly the time when the headaches began I told the half-drow my name. Wanting to know what it meant I told him. My name literally means "He who reinstalls the Lord of the Waters" Is that simple enough for the half-breed? I dont know. My first weeks there in town, I had dreams. Many dreams and many headaches.

I dreamt of these things. Darkness and this intense feeling of being lost. I wake often enough now with a sudden jerking motion that I am lost and in the pitch black. And of lakes underground. Do lakes like this exist? The headaches wake me all the time. Haunting and disturbing. I wake in pools of swet. Visions of water and lizards and the half-drow flood my sleeping mind! Lizards and marshes. I try each night to find a connection between all these images but fail only making my head hurt worse. Sometimes I wake in such discomfort that I make myself throw up. I asked the half-drow what he thought my dreams meant and he laughed saying they mean I am a crazy man. The half-drow spoke poison in two tongues. I could not get a good nights sleep! When would it end! Those who befriended me began to take notice of my drastic change. The half-drow seemed delighted in me. Whispers were in my ears. I found myself turning sour, just as sour as my stomach has become. And with that, I also found myself forming weird fantacies. The lakes beneath the surface. I am to find them. Sharp flashes of lizardmen and lizardfolk darted in my head. Gnawing of teeth and grinding of heads swirled. I am free now am I not? I am free to make my own choices. I am free, and you were the one's who freed me. Did you not? You told me Sanctuary, I am free, did you not? And this is what freedom does to a man who thinks on his own for the first time?

The First Day as a Free Man...Dieing Memory IV

So this is freedom. I stood there absolutely motionless. I wasn't in awe at the feeling of freedom. That didn't concern me. What was bothering me was the complete lack of structure. I have been so used to having a daily routine and a complete list of tasks for my previous Masters. Now, I do not know what to do. As soon as the city guards locked the gate to keep those not wanted out, we were led to the center of town for safety. Then everyone scattered. Off they went, to wherever, for whatever, Anhur only knows, and there I stood alone. I am free. This is suppossed to be a good thing?

Two human women were the first people I did talk to. They seemed to be making plans and already deciding what to do and where they should go. I don't know. I could only follow suit. I strongly wanted to find some direction. I need direction. I thrive off someone else telling me how to live day to day and now these people how have thrusted this freedom down my throat expect me to adapt? I dont think they are very wise and I do not think for that matter they care. I went to a guard in search of what to do. He told me to scram and to get out of his face. I ran..I ran so fast around the corner. This city they say is a free place and welcomes all of us escaped. But I do not see it this way, no I do not. Not at all.

For the remainder of my first free day, I walked around and saw many new things. And met a nice woman named Del. And wouldn't you know she is an elf? Such a kind elf. I do not recall when I have even met an elf except for during our capture....these elves are so fascinating to me..so very fascinating.

Headahces and Dreams II...The Flawed Gem II

Murder. Such an astounding word is it not? So many forms or shapes it can take with so many different infractions. Murder is an action. A cold emotion filled action contrary to what many think.....

My head pounds daily now, not just when I lay down for rest. A daily cycle repeating itself over and over. I used to believe that in my sleep, dreams represented issues I was in conflict with when awake. I have concluded that is a false statement. In a half dazed half zombie like state, I rest, only for very brief disturbed periods. These so called dreams I believe now are a source of aid. If one pays close attention to their dreams, one can unlock many secrets about their own identity...or rather, who owns that identity...

Murder. Thats what I have called my first slaughter of an innocent being. Such a gracefull creature, such a pure creature. Her only intention was to help me with my pains and headaches. She asked me to explain what was wrong. There in the tunnels we stood alone. I told the woman about how horrid my dreams are, how they torture me endlessly. How my head hurts almost every hour and every day. When I mentioned lizards she stopped me. Putting her hand on my shoulder she told me of one called Tyr and how I am diseased with the a sickness under an evil god. I've never heard of this healer Tyr. Nor do I care for the aid from a false god-a false god she serves. On and on she preached as a pain in my head pounded harder and harder as if trying to drown out her voice and what message she was trying to convey to me. I sank down against the cave wall with my hands against my temple, hidden under my dreds. On and on she babbled and I cannot make out a word she says about Tyr.

In a whimpering state, I had enough. The headache was so extreme. She continued to talk, the words coming out of her mouth in a jumbled state. I lept to me feet and faced her. My eyes were bloodshot from the pain, my cheeks tear stained. I slowly advanced in her direction telling her to shut her mouth. In shock or amazement she stopped talking. Instead she kept telling me I was scaring her. She slowly retreated from her position and walked backwards still facing me. I kept in step only inches from her face advancing with her footsteps. She dropped the club in her hand and scrambled to keep her balance in the uneven cavern floor. Picking her club up in my hand we continued our gracefull dance until she bumped a wall and could not walk back any more.

Her breath was warm and I could feel it on my face. I stood with her club in my hand. The headache was so intense now I had trouble focusing on her. There was a brief silence between us which seemed like an eternity but was actually only moments. Pleading in a whisper for me to let Tyr help my sickened state is all she could utter in that frightened state of mind. In my head I heard the words "I am the message you are the courier" I was gripping the club so tight that I could feel my own pulse in my wrist. My lips sneered and I began to cry. In a swift motion I pressed her body with my free hand against the cave wall to hold her tight and with the club I beat her in between the neck and shoulder. Over and over I beat her as she cried out. Screams and fragmented memories flooded my head. I kept swinging the club over and over all the while tears streaked down my face. Even as her life escaped her I kept beating her down. Until she slumped dead. Dropping the club I backed away from her in disbelief about what I have just done.

The headache eased some but remained present. I backed away from her and fell backwards tripping over myself. Looking over at the lifeless woman I began to shake. I am so lost now in this darkness. I began to speak out loud asking "who are you?" "what message am I to deliver!" "help me" There was no reply, no answer. There was only silence. The only sound that I could hear was my heartbeat slow and faint, and the ever present pounding in my head that I am in conflict with to gain control over....I must gain control over this unseen presence before it consumes anything that is left of me, Ini-Herti al Musa...

Light in the Dark....Dieing Memory V

Sometimes I wonder, why things happen the way they do. The days and what used to be night now seem welded together into some bizarre gnomish work. What a horrible feeling to not have the concept of time here in this cave. I was in a cave. What a large cave it was. They told me it was not a cave, but I knew better. The entire dark world was inside the mouth of a very large cave. I know whats going on, oh yes I do. The cave had many things going on, an entire civilization in side! The sounds of Sanctuary, the flickering torchlight, the people walking around-what a blur. Nothing was clear. Everything was jumbled together. Most the time I remember walking around very numb. Sometimes, I could feel what was like little needles into my skin. Del, yes she wasn't a needle as much as a thorn in my side.

I do remember giving up on looking for a Master. The entire world inside the cave was so foreign to not being under influence. Even sweet sweet Del was a bit gunshy to take me-noone took me; serious for that matter. Ahh but poor Del. Such a sweet woman. Such a shame really when I think about it. She confides in me. Something draws her inside me. I always wanted to consume her. Something so profound,-I don't know. I remember many things in strayed fragments. Del is one of those shards spewing at a very fast run right before my eyes. Del....what was it about her that made her turn from me? I don't think she handled the truth very well. I tried to tell her. People listen to what they want to hear and disreguard the rest. Disreguard the rest..........Disreguard the rest.......

Headaches and Dreams...The Flawed Gem III

The pains continued. Oh how I could not stop the advance of these migranes! At one point, I thought I was to end my own life. I had lost all direction and all hope. Then the most curious event had occured. The headaches stopped. They are gone they are gone for the most part. I have realized how to control them now. They struggle with me but oh no, I dont let them win. I fight back. I am strong. Sebek is strong. He came to my aid. The headaches stopped. Why? I know why. Clear as what should be dawn why. I have met His Children. The Children are here in this cave! A sign. A very vivid sign from Him. He brought me to them. Witness to the marvel of His Children and with that very witness the headaches stopped. But that is where the dreams began. Its hard to see the difference between them, but anyone with half a will, like myself, can see it. He guided me to His Children. Of course, where else would I have found a cure for the pains, but at the waters edge. The shore. The Lake. There his Children have embraced me. There He, Lord of all Waters and Bogs has taken me for purposes I did not see beforehand. I am the message this is true. His Children recognize one of His servants. I am in their grace and by that grace I am to give. I am to give to Him. The Children want me to help them. Help in divinity is of course nothing short of a miracle. I am beginning to realize that I, Ini-Herti al Musa am much more important than I thought I was. The headahces happen because I was in disfavor of Sebek. The dreams occur when I am in his grace. It is such a simple thing how could I have not seen that before. I know now what to do. Such a twisted position. I am no longer a prisoner to headaches.

Into the Jaw...The Crocodile I

I still feel as warm now as I did that time when He first became more real to me. It was in the cave. At the Lake. The Children are there. The Children have issues though. They are innocent, such a terrible thing to have them under the control of a "thug" The "thug" has become my Master......seeing as the entire town of Sanctuary will not yield to my desire. The word retribution comes into my already warped head. Oh how can one even describe such a most wonderous place. The stale sludge and muck is thick and oozes slow along the open skin. The filthy water is such a welcomed relief. Even in the shallows it feels good. And in this cave, the faint almost long forgotten sounds of the marsh can be heard. They echo off the walls and seem to shoot off into the darkness without return. The air smells of rotting flesh and decaying matter. It feels like home. Home? I used to live on the Bogs edge. And what a relief to see Sebek has created pools beneath inside this cave.

The "thug" known as Sslep is Master. I do not agree on the whole with why he is in charge. I look to Chieftain as the rightfull lord. But he listens to Sslep. Always listenting to that short squat, bald little "thug" Sebek speaks to me often and I do understand that it is His will that I should listen and become under guise to Sslep. I do not want to have headaches again no no no, so I will do as instructed. I am then again, surrounded by His Children and that brings comfort to me like you would not believe.

Sslep has given me strict orders. I will follow them without failure. For to fail Sslep is to fail Sebek and that is something I do not seek now nor ever. The only comfort I have is inside the Jaw of Him, nestled in the teeth, feeling the razor edges against my skin. I do not want to be spit out, instead I want to be swallowed. Swallowed whole so I may remain inside forever. I will do what must be done, be it Sebek, The Children, or even.........Sslep.

Headaches and Dreams...The Flawed Gem IV

Murder. The subject is very interesting to me. And by the grace of Him, I have experienced it in its most pleasure filled form and the lowest position it creates; pity. Instructed murder is emotionless and devoid. It is required and must be carried out. There is no thinking, no alternatives. It is carried out with percision. I have. I did. No feeling for the three I slaughtered during my first task. The headaches were not present so it did not blur my vision. It was an executed action performed as it should have been. And it was nothing more nothing less, than Murder. Those who I send to Him by my hand are faceless, nameless. I care nothing for them. The notion that someone, somewhere cared for them or loved them is ridiculous. Compassion and love are childs stories made up to make little children sleep well. I still cannot sleep well.

Pity is something I never knew could be a consequence from Murder. Mindi, I have long tried to supress from memory. She was something wonderfull. Was. She was. Up until her death. I killed my Mindi. I remember how she laughed and smiled. She was such a good woman. We would talk about things and sometimes it eased the tension in my head-even during an episode-just talking with her. That was right up to the point where she expired. Something changed Mindi. She was not the Mindi I thought I was getting to know. This is why I again, tell myself there is no such thing as love. I have removed all details of what happened up to her death because it caused me pains. I blocked them out and have tried to forget, but sometimes late at night, alone, along the shore, I would find myself thinking of her. Even as I let the last blow fall and she fell to the ground. We stood alone. I began to feel such a pity for her, and for myself. Looking at her crumpled body battered and bloody. I myself was tired from our struggle. The only thing I think I could spill from my mouth was "So be it Mindi." And I remember dropping the curtain. The final act for her. I sent her off to Sebek. There alone I stood. I was feeling pity. A strong sense of pity. I couldnt even find the strength to move her lifeless body. So there I left it. On the floor. All alone. Such a pity. Such a pity.