Nearly two months have I been here in Sanctuary and only now do I start a journal. I used to write often . . . I think, or perhaps not. It is so hard to remember much of anything before that fateful day I was taken captive. Regardless, today I start this journal, on a day filled with . . . such upsetting news.

Why? That is what I must ask. That covers the questions I need the answers to. Why must members of the House of Light be targeted with such hatred? Why did Mylin leave at such a crucial time? Why did Chell and Eowung deliberately disobey my instructions not to enter Lower? Why was I not more diligent in my duties and find and stop them? Why did I not recognize how shaken Chell was and give him counsel?

The damage is done. We have now lost both Chell and Eowung. I have sent Amenien to find the details of what exactly happened. Eowung's death is surrounded by uncertainty, and I fear that the details I do not know may place Calia in great danger. Amenien learned of the details of Chell's death, however, and it pained me so greatly to hear them.

I am flooded with emotions, it is hard not to act upon them. Grief, sadness, rage, anger . . . but I must keep them in check. Now is not the time to act rashly, nor is it the time to lose my faith. I must stay on even keel. With Mylin's return, I felt a great sense of relief; she has been so kind to me, and so strong. Sometimes I can scarce believe she is but a teenager, with the wisdom and strength she possesses. Now that she is back, I feel as though I am stronger, merely through her presence. I feel like I can control these emotions that threaten to overwhelm me.

I am quite exhaused, I am not even sure if my words make sense. But no matter. They are written now. I must remember to continue writing in this, as I feel some relief after having put thoughts and feelings to this journal.

Too much time has passed since I last wrote in this. With so much going on, I really should try and keep this up to date. Or maybe it only feels like a lot is going on. Regardless, I should try and stay on top of this more and write more. I know it helps me to organize my thoughts and stay on an even keel.

After sending a letter to Mylin about challenging Zau to a duel, I caught up with her and had a chance to speak with her about it. She was completely against the idea, stating that while I may win, I also may lose and the House can not afford that.

What angered me, though, is that the very next day, Mylin accepted a challenge for a duel to the death from Imnan. No amount of speaking could drive reason into her head. She insisted on dueling, quite sure of herself. She has claimed on several occasions that she has no pride or honor and wants neither, but by accepting this duel I wonder about that.

Mylin's life was nearly taken by Imnan--a hit, maybe two and she was bleeding badly. Then, she spoke some words and touched Imnan, who dropped to the ground, dead. Some magic Lurue grants perhaps? Mylin said she reached out and grabbed Imnan's soul out. She was quite shaken from it and not her usual self, though this seemed to wear off as the night progressed. Still, I worry about her and for her--what sort of changes this might bring. She was shaken, yes; she pulled someone's soul out, yes; but she secretly admitted to me that it felt good and liberating.

Later, Phyrra called together a meeting with several women and she wanted Mylin there. Mylin insisted I follow her. I was not about to deny her, but two of the women were slightly tainted and I felt somewhat uncomfortable, especially considering the conversation I had just had with one of the other women about paladins being abusive to others... So we went into the grotto and I listened in to what Phyrra had to say, mostly the implications of killing Imnan. I still felt incredibly uncomfortable and out of place, but I stayed out of respect for Mylin. Then I became enraged at Phyrra trying to manipulate Mylin by calling her a killer. Fortunately, Mylin left and so I followed, avoiding a confrontation.

After that, Mylin and Delvak began to speak, but I was starting to phase out. Realizing this, I made sure Mylin did not need anything then headed off to bed. I found it hard to sleep, though, constantly worrying about Mylin, her health, and her plans for things.

The House should reopen within days. I need Mylin to be alright for I do not know how to run a Temple.