So you want to be a Banite? A Guide for Idiots by Eirik Ironfeet I'm assuming that by opening this book, you show your interest in serving the Glowey Hand of Doom, Bane.

The first step is to Fear Bane. If you already Fear Something Else, well that's just not good enough, and you're going to have to try harder. Much harder. I suggest eating Blue Mushroom until you discover an abject quivering terror of the huge hairy invisible spiders in the walls. Then, imagine they are all called "Bane". That will work nicely. Remember, if you're not yet soiling yourself with panic, you are a HERETIC!

Of course now that you've got the gibbering fear down, you're going to have to work on the "being a complete bastard" end of things, so you can spread that fear around. Remember though, it's best to do it sort of legally. It's all about the tyranny and repression of the poor and defenceless! A good start is to become the bad sort of watchman, the kind who enjoys beating non-violent suspects to a pulp with a large spiky club before attempting to arrest them. To practice for this role, it is advisable to collect a large supply of small adorable pets for the purpose of kicking them into ravines.

Of course, this is all nothing without the expression. A devout Banite should advertise his presence with a face that looks like he was recently shoved face-first into a rothe's rear end and forced to chew his way out from the inside. Combined with merchant-grade supplies of scorn and impoliteness, you will be well on your way to the Big Glowey Hand's favour.

Lastly, remember to skulk around the streets looking sullen and piked off. Nothing is as charismatic and inspiring than a sulking thug.

That's all for the prospective followers of Bane! Look for my next book soon, and if you want to thank the author, an ale is always welcome! Eirik Ironfeet.