The Lure of Chaotic Darkness By Airandir Calmcacil

Many darks, I have spent wandering the dark nothingness that is the Underdark, solely for the slight chance of finding my family and friends that were taken from me by the Drow so long ago. Over two years ago, I arrived at the walls of Sanctuary after wandering aimlessly for months and months in the dangerous darkness. Oh how I remember the euphoric feeling of the glorious sight of Sanctuary’s walls, after nearly accepting the death that would not doubt come in the lightless depths of the Underdark. I arrived at the guarded walls still confident of my moral and values that my education and upbringing has instilled within me. Yet, as I spent time within these Sanctuary walls, I found an absolute deterioration of my sensibilities. Within these walls, I have seen rampant political corruption, authoritative tyranny, public executions, assassinations, abuse of position and authority by defense agencies, and the manipulation of public perceptions for individual objectives that resulted in deep seated feeling of hopelessness and anger.

As I reflect over these experiences, I inquire myself about if it is possible that through absolute desperation and prolonged exposure to societies within the Underdark, that an individual could loose sight of his moral and values? Is it possible that right and wrong, and lawful and lawless become irrelevant? Within the Underdark, could these ideals simply be cast aside for the simple variable of whatever it takes to survive?

Even though I once prided myself on a moral compass that was in tune to the caliper of the Lute I carry, I now find that my Lute is flat and my moral compass misleading. Through prolonged exposure to this place, I gave into the intoxicative lure of righting a few transgressions by dangerous and corrupt sort. Yet, to do so required consorting with other ill and violent sort against perceived “greater evil”. Although greater evils had received retribution, I am left feeling empty and bleak.

Perhaps the fanatics of the Triad have long ago figured this tribulation out? Perhaps walling yourself up against ill sort will insure your morals and values remain intact?

Although I continue to hunt for questions that I posed within these writings, I can relay with confidence that prolonged stay in any part of the Underdark will drastically change the individual. My pessimistic experience relays that that change will most likely be for the worse. I suspect that the only counter to this phenomenon for me, is to simply to cut my losses, condemn my family and friends to an existence of slavery, and drift back into the abyss for simply hopes of finding the way of the Way of the Ascension. Yet, despite common sense…I continue to remain ever transforming into some –thing- that I will not recognize.

A.C.