Home > Journals

Shamus Quidnunc's Notebook

Mutants in Town Hall!

Townhall hides a terrible secret! The city watch alerted me to the danger that faces every citizen of Sanctuary. The terrible truth lurked behind a mask of lies carefully constructed by none other than our own Council, but just who is duplicitious in this crime and who is merely misled--no one knows yet.

An infestation of bats was the screen behind this awful lie. After making my way through veritible army of blood sucking bats that infested the upper levels of Townhall, I discovered the abomination in the upper stories--long rumored to be abandoned but now we know the truth--the Council was hiding something forsaken there.

They hid---Bat Boy! Yes, Bat Boy, a terrible mutant that long was rumored to terrorize our city. With the aid of local adventurers we attempted to capture Bat Boy to learn more about this mutant bat fiend and exactly what its ties to the Council are. Sadly, assassins struck from the darkness and arrows slew Bat Boy before he could be questioned.

Only painstaking research has revealed enough information to tell you the truth now. Bat Boy was not a singular wretch! Other mutant Bat Boys still exist and still maintain their mysterious links to certain Councilors. But who? But why? Shamus Quidnunc alone will discover the truth for you Sanctuary.

Parasites in Pies!

In an alarming revelation, it was recently discovered by Shamus Quidnunc-Sultan of Sluething that our city elders are being mind controlled! Nothing else explains their unusual behavior, but as always in a corrupt community of countless criminals finding the proof is difficult. We'll tell the story, but you decide the facts!

Enter into this peculiar picture of perfidity one dwarven female, alias 'Cookie'--if indeed it is a female? Note the twin braided beard. Cookie supplies many pies to the notables of Sanctuary, although her deliveries are always handled by suspicious middlemen, always a different person to keep the location of many of her deliveries if not perfectly secret, at least not fully known to a wide body.

Secretly entering her service, Shamus the Decidedly Delectible Detective was hired to deliver these pies to none other than: Herald Jafar. The man who counts votes during elections, controls all flow of public information, and the highest ranked beauracrat in Sanctuary.

Our informants revealed that Jafar eats five to six of these pies in a single day, and while this obesse official orator is indeed plump--simple calculations by master Lore Masters concluded that with his diet and lack of any movement (indeed, he's never been seen outside his office) Jafar should weigh 50,000 pounds.

The truth was revealed easily with a test of the pies. Each of 'Cookies' pies contains a cerebral parasite, supposedly harmless and indetectable when cooked but we saw through the obfuscations. These parasites allow Cookie unmeasured influence over our city--but to what end? Who does Cookie work for? We will find out, and you our loyal readers will hear us out!

Factory Turns Workers to Zombies

Workers in the local Zhurkwood factory have long complained about exhausting hours, mind numbing work, and the inane motivational signs that litter their confining, dangerous, dirty workspace. We have recently learned though that the workers had more to complain about than even they realized.

The truth is, motivational signs pose a serious risk to worker's health. These mind numblingly inane signs supposedlly designed to bolster worker's moral are truly powerful glyphs created by the Spellguard itself to turn working men into wretched undead zombies.

Some may doubt this, the truth is there though. Zombie workers are loyal, they never call in sick since they're dead, they work long hours without complaint, and if any worker gets out of line there is nothing holding you back from lopping off his head and feeding him to the other workers.

The Spellguard's links to this? They're clear. Zhurkwood factories produce paper, paper used to make scrolls. The Spellguard uses many scrolls. So be warned, the next time the Spellguard tries to make you read some inane boring text, it just might turn *you* into a zombie. Our field reporter risked his very life to bring us this story, shooting sixty shambling shusks of zombies to escape the factory alive. His eyes carefully protected by magical lenses so he'd not accidently read the motivational signs.

Council Secretly Supporting Pixie Penal Colony

Investigators intercepting interpersonal codified correspondence contained by cloaked cohorts have discovered a diabolic dungeon designed to permanently penalize perfidious pixie prisoners! That's right, the Seekers are being paid by surface fey to maintain prisons for criminal pixies.

These pixies, many of whom are insane if not before their crimes, certainly afterwards due to confinement here seven miles beneath the earth are extremely dangerous to all citizens of Sanctuary. Yet why are the Seekers secretly maintaining their pixie prison? Clearly, the full details of this dilema will emerge only with time and further investigations.

Anonymous sources indicate that when Frederick Bresley made it to the surface, he struck a deal with the Seelie Court. In exchange for their help in his escape; several extremely dangerous criminal fey were secretly transported to the Underdark and imprisoned. While the path Bresley took to the surface was quickly collapsed by Unseelie rebels preventing the rest of the Seekers from following--Sanctuary has since been saddled with these criminal fairies.

Only recently was the truth learned with Primboo the Beetle Queen escaped. Our valiant venturer of veracity Shamus Quidnunc located Primboo's hidden lair and beetle minions in order to conduct an interview. Here is the transcripts:

Shamus: "Primboo the Beetle Queen, I'm sorry I killed some of your mindless beetle minions, by the way nice dress I like that green on you, but anyway is it true that you are a prisoner of the Seekers who are in cahoots to hold fey prisoners captives in exchange for information from the Seelie Court about potential routes to the surface?"

Primboo the Beetle Queen: "Colorous Esprisa!"

*This is followed by the emmitance of the spell Color Spray.*

Shamus: "Gadzooks! Electrius Pixius Untous Mortuus!"

*This is followed by the emmitance of the spell Pixie Jolt and the immediate smell of charred pixie dust as Primboo fell to the ground.*

Our paper regrets the death of Primboo and the fact that many answers she could have provided with us about these events sadly died with her. Yet we shall continue to uncover the truth of these matters.

Goblin Infestation Threatens Sanctuary

While many are afraid that large numbers of goblins could inundate our idyllic homes, there is a far more sinister truth to be uncovered by our daring hero-adventurer Shamus Quidnunc who brings you now the truth like no other truth brought to you by a truth seeker after truth!

Tipped off by alert adventurers ever curious about the curious fact that these poor goblins always have gold coins on hand; far more than they can ever gather through beggery or stew sales. And just why is this goblin always hungry, even when he's being handed more rats a day than lice on this head?

The wretched reality recently revealed is that Gobbler is infected with a diretape worm! Measuring over six feet in length, these massive food sucking parasitic tubes can consume over sixty pounds of meat a day. Lesser loremasters would blame the diretape worm on poor goblin hygeine.

But no! Not Shamus Quidnunc whose steady gaze pierces every mystery and falsehood. Poor hygeine doesn't explain the goblins wealth, far more than they obtain from stew sales! The gold it has been discovered comes from no other than Councilor Bhast.

Yes, Gobbler was infected with this diretapeworm by the Councilor himself, who demands a steady stream of secret reports from Gobbler. In exchange, the Councilor gives the goblin just enough gold to pay for the rats he desperately requires to remain alive or else the dire tape worm will eat him from the inside out.

Yet why is Bhast; one of the most corrupt elements of an already corrupt Council seeking information taken from a goblin? A brief examination of Gobbler's latest report reveals the truth.

"Ugly humans git in sewers kill big rats.

Ugly dwarfs git in sewers kill big rats.

Halfling, ugly ugly tradz four juicy rats from sewer.

Dat ding you saiz to watch for, it moving in sewer again only dis time it et up dat adamananatianaima---real hard metal seal on it prison. I dink it escaped now.

Ugly gnome trade big juicy rats.

Lot of uglies go to "sewer town" having secret meetings."

Yes, clearly Bhast is obtainin information on the "ugliness" within Sanctuary. This may seem strange only until our readers realize what Shamus Quidnunc quickly discovered; Bhast is truly a polymorphed nymph priestess of Sune that was driven mad by her experiences in the Underdark.

Now she exists solely to locate the ugliest people in Sanctuary, who are then polymorphed into the very rats that flood the sewers! These rats are then captured by other adventurers who then trade them to Gobbler to feed his ever starving tape worm!

Sanctuary must be warned, only by purchasing exotic and beautiful Ghail clothing, jewelry, and perfumes can you possibly hope to not be mistaken for the ugliest citizen in Sanctuary. Your life now depends on it until someone stops Bhast; the polymorphed nymph priestess of Sune!

New Inheritance Tax Causes Undead Riot!

It is no secret that the City Council is having financial trouble. The recent out break of plague in Sanctuary coupled with activity in Lower Sanctuary due to the recent rebellion preventing many kobolds from coming to claim corpses for their "supposedly" civic purpose of cremation--we are not fooled--there has been rising expenses in the mortuary.

To help fund Izarious Patten's work, the Council of Sanctuary recently proposed creating an inheritance tax. The Council had no idea however of how furious this would make the deceased of Sanctuary. Lack of concern for the recently deceased's feelings prompted a massive Undead Riot at the Mortuary quickly put down by local adventurers aided by our own Shamus Quidnunc; hero adventurer duelist investigator extraordinaire!

The matter was discussed with local necromancer Thomas, proprietor of the macabre undead inn outside Sanctuary. Thomas maintains that "undead are just people" and unfair taxation without representation "makes people unhappy". It is his suggestion as an evil necromancer without regard for humanity, gnomanity, or elfanity that until the Council appoints an undead representative--preferably the "scarred warrior in my shop" that further undead riots will become common.

Councilor Bhast refused to comment for this article, but a dire tape worm reportedly in his employ did go on record to say "glurahbh". This is indeed dire news for Sanctuary.

One of Councilor Tyrell's mutants, speaking anonymously to avoid making public comments about his "Inhuman Mistress" insists that if the "undead get a Council seat, then damn it, but so should the mutants; Tyrell be damned".

Bad Cheese Mutates People Into Rats! As if Bat-Boy wasn't bad enough! Our inquisitive inspector investigator Shamus Quidnunc has uncovered a new sinister strategy of suffering! The cheese made in Sanctuary has been laced with a mutagenic substance! This foul cheese is worse than it smells, that's right those who eat it become viscious, hairy, foul tempered--wererats!

Here is a drawing of a harmless looking old woman, or is she?

She may look innocent to the undiscerning eye of those who have not been trained in the inquisitive investigatory technique of our courageous compiler of criminal content Shamus Quidnunc! Shamus wisely stepped back, recognizing immediately in the old woman's yellowed eyes and thicker than normal "old human whiskerage" the signs of a human suffering from RATS (Rodent Adaptive Transforming Syndrome). RATS is easiest to identify during the transformation; which occurs with a burst of bright light and the strong scent of blue cheese.

Sadly, the adventurers with him were far too slow--here you see a perfectly captured drawing of the "harmless woman" biting the entire head right off an adventurer.

Through quick thinking, a silver dagger and his natural magics, Shamus of course dispatched the giant mutated sufferer of RATS. But a looming question is unanswered, hanging over the horizon like a great, big, hanging thing with sinister intentions. Where are these mutants coming from? Mutant Dire Tape Worms, Mutant Bat Boy, Mutant RATS--there is a connection and Shamus swears to smoke out the sense of this snarling situation.

Tyrell Overthrown

At long last, the truth rings clear and the most dangerous Councilor within Sanctuary falls.

Earlier tonight, a group of adventurers were hired by Adelia Tyrell to investigate the sewers of Dunwarren just prior to the closing of the polls. Deep within they discovered dozens of spiders, horribly mutated guarding an ancient and strange machine. The creatures were dispatched at great risk as Shamus Quidnunc the Arachnic Avenging Arcanist led the heroic charge.

Yet there is a sinister stench of subterfuge obfuscating the ocular observer. These spiders were mutants, found not far below Townhall. Mutated bats are found in Townhall. At least, the link!

Tyrell is raising mutants.

These egg sacks are her unholy children, it was Tyrell who inspired the mad druid Breen to create his terrible creatures. Tyrell who poisons the city's water supply from the conveniently located pump right next to her egg sack offspring.

Her goal was nothing short of domination of all Sanctuary with her mind controlling mutagenic that slowly had been turning citizens into slaves and spiders and bats into terrible mutant soldiers. Yet her minions were slain.

Why did she send heroes into the heart of her den of villainy you ask?

We answer! She grew arrogant, certain of victory she wished to test her defenses. To pit her monsters against the last brave man in the city, the only man who could stop her--Shamus Quidnunc, yes that heroic man is a gnome!

She never believed Shamus could overcome her minions, but he has. Without her mind controlling mutagenic substance in the city water supply, she lacked the votes to make it to the Council yet again where it is now strongly suspected she's been using her spider agents to slaughter Councilors left and right, and her wily lover's charms to ensnare and break Starag's heart leading him to perform his last ritual that turned him to stone.

In short, Tyrell's threat is at an end--for now.