Here's a library application I plan on sending to the council, mind skimming it over before I forward it?

Sugrin the Illustrious Bard

Greetings Councilors of Sanctuary, I am Sugrin the Illustrious bard and I have taken a great interest in the Sanctuary Library- while I am aware there is a caretaker of the Library, I am sure Councilor Cheval would appreciate more time on his hands for other worldly matters.

I am a Man of Brandobaris, and Cyrollallee. I take great joy in reading the tales of halfling exploits, and the stories of other races. And I would take great appreciation if I should be able to run this library, I already have two other fellow library hopefuls as well, Sabrina and Miss Paige. With more to come, to be sure!

We plan on using the library for poetry contests, story telling contests, and the delightful singing of the bards of Sanctuary. Winners of said contests would earn 200 gold, and perhaps an item if the story, poem, or song was just grand!

We also plan to fund the library ourselves, I am an adventurer, and I often come across odds and ends, and Miss Paige has volunteered to sell said items for me and Sabrina, and thus we have a source of income, and can manage library projects and fund them as well.

We await an expedient answer, and finally, YONDALLA PROTECT!

Dearest Sugrin,

I think the bulk of your application looks great but there are some things to improve on.

1. Proper formatting always give the impression of the writer being professional and organized. You should start and end your letter with:

Greeting Councilors of Sanctuary, (A blank line) (Beginning of the body of the text here) (After the end of the body of the text) (A blank line) Best regards, (or some other similar send off) Sugrin

2. Remember who your audience is and write for them. The majority of the councilors, and the population of this city, are human and so you should write for them. For example, I would suggest changing "I take great joy in reading the tales of halfling exploits, and the stories of other races" into "I take great joy in reading all tales by all people".

3. Avoid subtly threatening context. You say "I would take great appreciation if I should be able to run this library", but there is already one running the operations of the library. Instead, of "running" the library, you should be offering to "help with the running" of the library.

4. Leave financial details to be dealt with in a later, more contract like letter, or--even better--in person. Instead of mentioning the two hundred gold coins, simply say that there will be prizes to be won. This way, if there are any problems or changes that need to be made later on, the current letter outlining a rough plan cannot be used as a point of reference.

5. If you do have to refer to finances, be as sure and solid in your tone as possible. I would suggest replacing "I am an adventurer, and I often come across odds and ends, and Miss Paige has volunteered to sell said items" with "As an adventurer I have gathered a large number of interesting items. Miss Paige also has various valuable items available as well."

6. Avoid spelling out entire words in capitalized letters. Such use of capitalization is often mentally perceived as yelling or shouting in written form. Yelling or shouting in general is often rude or annoying in most circumstances and situations.

I hope these pieces of advice are of help,

Best regards and a beautiful day to you, Senestia Avarscanti

Esteemed Sugrin,

I am not an expert on the topic, I take it someone else could offer better advice than myself.

I usually prefer short, and to the point. I tell you those bureaucrats are probably lazy readers and will just throw it away if it winds just on and on.

Therefore I think yours will do just fine.

Sincerely,

~Paige M. Saint