Semai always reminded me, how important written documents are. He wanted to write his story, so that others might read it and learn something from it. He was not given that chance. And with my meager skills for writing I dare not to try to write it down, for I don’t know all the details of his life that well. I can only try to honor his memory by doing what he would have wanted me to do, now when I have the chance. To write down my own story, from the moment I feel it really started to mean something.

First I feel I must tell something about Semai. He was that father to me I never knew. I suppose he was also my mother, as much as he could. I don’t even know what mother means, not really, only what he told me. He was so sorry for me, not having a family. I can’t really comprehend that, he was my family. I never needed anything more, for I had no knowledge of anything more.

He was kind man, one of the best. I wish I had been more kind to him, my tongue has always had the way of its own, and I of course used him as a target when I felt bad. He always took it so well. He was my teacher, my mentor. Even though I could not follow his path and take all he had to offer to be my guideline through my life, even though I was many times too headstrong, I will always try to heed his words to survive.

”Wisdom, you should use your wisdom to get through the hardships of life.” That is what he kept saying. I am not sure I have this wisdom he felt was so important, but I will try.

”Help others as much as you can. Also the one seemingly needing it the least can benefit from the help of a wise, goodhearted person.” I promise to his memory, that I will try to help others. Help them to survive in this dark world, help them to be able to live their life the best way it is possible.

”Follow the code your heart tells you. If the code of those around you agree with it, good. If it does not, don’t be afraid to do what you feel is the best thing.” This was easy while still in slavery. The code of the drow was a hideous one. The code of the slaves was to be silent, to not to be heard and seen. I could not follow either one of them. I hope I am able to follow the codes set to me by my new home. No, not new home, but the only home. I never could call that slave pit a home.

”Be happy of those small things life offers you. Even if you feel everything is injust, there is always some shred of meaningfulness in all. Don’t blame anyone of your bad luck, but try to make your best to see that others won’t succumb to the same injustice.” This I swear. I will fight for others for his memory. I will not let anything get me down. I will take one day at a time, and see to those little shreds of hope there is, and guide others to do the same.

Writing down his words brought the memories of him back so vividly. How I wish he could be here with me, he would have so much to give to these people. All I can do is to stay true to his teachings and try to walk my path in his footsteps the best way I can.

My life, my world. I feel I belong here. And to the darkness. But light seems good too, now. When I can use it without fearing the punishment. And I can talk. Freely, open my mouth when ever I feel like it. To many people, not just one.

I want to give them back what I have received. So many friendly people. I am in dept to them. More to one than others though. I must find a way to pay her back. I have not yet had the possibility. But I have tried to do what is best for all of us. Someone died because I lacked proper eguipment. I did not wish to run. But I was of no use. I used the potion I had to get his gear back, and his body. No servant of Lolth is going to get their meal from a friend of mine!

I must think the next time. I must be patient, as Semai thought me. But it is so difficult! When I see any of Lolth’s servants...but it cost a friend’s life. It is not worth it. Patience. I must learn to use it.

I must learn to write things to this paper. Semai wanted it. It is so difficult to me. I am in this room, sitting down, writing. I used to walk and work, all the time, then to fall asleep so tired I could not think. This place, so easy it is. When I get a little wound, I can heal it. Or someone else will. They are worried too, for that little wound. I would laugh. But I do not laugh. Friends, the word is sweet. I had only Semai. Other slaves, we could never talk. There would be punishment. Semai took the risk.

Enough of the times old. New life, new things, they are around me now.

I have walked with a guard of this place. Talked with him. I see why the task of theirs' is difficult. Safety of people, safety of our home. But it is important, I see it so important to be. I am not being patient enough maybe? Should think more what Semai said.

I did a foolish thing. I thought it might help someone...a friend? Maybe she is. But I should not have. I am no healer, not a wise, like Semai was wise. How I wish he would be here. I do not know, but he is dead. He was strong as well as wise, but to survive when they strike...he could not have.

I killed more spiders. I was blinded by fury then. I had regretion of the thing later. It is because of luck no one died. Not because of me, not because I am so strong warrior. I must heed my past, the words coming from it. There is more to be a warrior, to be the defender I would like to be. Wisdom is the thing I still need.

I would like to talk more with that guard that took me with him. Maybe he can help. Talking with him, it opened something inside me. The reason, who I am, what I am.

I will write one thing more. I went to this place, with someone I did not know before. It was not a good place. I had toxicated my mind, Semai would have been so angry. I can not say it was the reason, it would be weakness. Still, I am glad I did. For now I do know it exists. And this other place, too, I know of now. I must read more. The written word, as Semai told. It is important.

That illithid and his place! It will be and is the death of us. All those that go there. Spies, spies they must be. I have seen drow there! The things I have heard, happening, going on. The things I witnessed with my eyes, that my body ached from them a day afterwards. I will not succumb myself to those wile creatures. Semai warned me enough. It pretends it is friendly, helping. Have no trust toward it, would have Semai said. Use your wisdom. See the meaning behind words.

There must be a way. How can they be destroyed. Maybe I should have talked more to that man, name I do not remember. Him and his organization. Their goal seems impossible, but they could help, perhaps they could. To get rid of that place. Wile it is. I must remember the name.

I was thinking of the webs of the spiders. They use them against us. Wile servants of the Spider Queen. But that product, must not be abhorred completely. That dwarf maybe can help, his name, what was his name again? He was studying everything. I could speak with him. Maybe we could use the webs, the material. Make traps of it? Perhaps? Use those traps around Sanctuary, against the evil around us. Keep us safe. If the dwarf can not help, I will find someone who could.

The strange things...they can not be real. But I was told, the world without ceiling where Semai had come from, my parents had come from. That it has such creatures, such colours, so open, so bright. I do not dream there, it is a strange, repulsive place. Semai, be not mad at me, this is my home.

I heard alarming things. Drow in here! If it is true, it is a danger. I heard also of Alex. There was an attempt to help her. Maybe I need to talk to her, when I have time.

Patience. Discipline. Wisdom. I need those more than ever. Like Semai said, like I have learned myself of me.

There is the thing, I wished for. I was approached by that member of the Watch today. The guard I wrote earlier about. He asked me if I wanted to patrol again. Then he asked, if I still wanted to be in the Watch myself. My answer was the obvious, yes. He took me to see his superiors (yes this is the right word). There was a man that asked things of me. If a male would talk like that to a female in the city of the drow, it would... but I have much to learn still, yes. Semai would have been proud. I kept my calm. Must remember this, always. They are my superiors now, too.

I see it as important. To keep safe, all the people and our home. I hope I will do it good. Still much to learn. Much to remember.

I have my own bed now.

Patience. Discipline. Wisdom. Humility.

Ilmater guide me in this. I have not been praying much lately. I have forgotten. Semai would be sad. Sometimes I wonder, if The Broken One is looking after me, if His power reaches the depths I live in. Semai would again be sad. I have erred, I am wavering in my belief. It is so, that the power of the darker gods’ is more obvious, more present. Without Semai, it is hard to see the right path. It is hard to see the meaning.

I must learn. I am not ready.

Gratefull, that I am. I still have friends. I still have home.

This learning will never end. I was with others in the dark caverns. Expedition they called it, but I am not sure if that is what it was. Foolhardy, were those that were arranging it. Seekers, I heard one of them called a seeker. Daydreamers. They will bring danger to us all, I am certain.

We were overwhelmed. I am not ready yet for such a battle. This is why I hope our dark enemies will not find and attack our home for a long time. I did what I could, and maybe it was not enough. It was chaos. I was surrounded by many of them, disgusting insect like creatures. Then I remember nothing. Like it would have been a long dream. Now I am empty, without my things, without the knife Semai gave me. Still lot to learn.

Will I ever be what Semai wished of me?

I have my knife back, thank to the gods, thanks to the Broken One. Also most of the other gear I had is returned to me, as well as Rayas’ things to him. I could not have beared the thought of loosing what Semai gave to me. He carved it with his very own hands, the tooth he had taken from the creature they had been hunting. He risked his life for that tooth, in more ways than one. If the drow had found it on him, they would have killed him.

Now when I look at its paleness in the dim light here at our quarters, its curved figure, touch its polished surface, I think of him. How he told those things to me, about his life, about the surface. Thought me to think, to try to be wise.

Am I wise enough? How do I proceed from this? The situation is awkward. We of the Watch can’t go to the lower town. The Tiger Eyes are not free to walk in the upper, at least one of them. There is a hidden war between us. The Tiger Eye tried to stop it, offered peace. We agreed to it, Rayas and I. But then Rayas denied it. Is this good for the town? No, we should fight mutual enemies, not each other.

I arrested a man again. This time for being nuisance and a threat to another citizen. He was being so rude. I am used to that, yes. I just wonder. Wonder if this is what I really want. Do these petty things make the life better here? Maybe they do, step by step. I am just not certain.

I have so many people to talk to. That Seeker. Waters. That dwarf, Durthag. Runt, if I could find him. If he wishes to speak with me, which I doupt. That odd one, Shields. I wonder if he is what he seems. I wished to hit him when he performed the oddity to my hand. I controlled myself, Semai would have been proud.

There is so much to do. So much to learn. I need to buy some books. To read. If I would have the time. If I would have the wisdom to use the time I have the best way possible.

Shields is dead, stoned. He murdered a man was said. The Watch is not trusted. I don’t wonder it. We have a lot of work to do, Rayas and I. It is no good that those that need to secure this town are mistrusted, or that they use their status to gain benefits.

To help our reputation somewhat I attended a mission to rid the world of ours from a threat, a drow that had build his tower nearby. He had slaves there, slaves he used in most cruel fashion. As drow do. We got rid of him, and his servants. Unfortunately we were not able to free the slaves. I was knocked unconcious, so I am not certain of what happened.

The paintings in the Seeker’s building. I watched them again. My mind almost can’t comprehend the things they portray. Still I find them strangely captivating. Maybe it is the things Semai told me about. He got them to live inside my head.

Things that play with mind. I wonder if there are so much of those in the surface world. The surface world... I miss conversations with Semai.

I would need his advice, his guidance now. This place grows darker. It has always been, but the town itself had some light for me. I will try to keep it like that. The light inside us is needed to repel the darkness from outside. I start to sound like Semai. I met Alex today. She is still confused, and seems lost. I tried to comfort her. Used words of Semai, it was vain. I wish I could help.

I have taken on a new way to use my free time, the little I have to spare. I try to capture the forms of creatures to a piece of paper. Like those pictures are in the Seekers place. Though I cannot reach to anything similar.

The confusion. I wonder if it has to do with this place. What did the svirfneblin’s run away from, when they left this place? Or is it the freedom? I was intoxicated by it first. Am I now barely realising what it gives? Or am I becoming as...confused as Alex is...

I find doing these things comforting. Relaxing even. Strange, how holding a pen and making forms that are not letters make me feel almost like those trainings Semai used to hold. I will have to do this from memory, it is too dark outside, and too dangerous.

I remember one old female. It had broken off one of its horns. This was back in...the days when I was one of the slaves who were send to hunt them. Hunt them for fun, for our masters fun. They liked to see how many of us would get tramped upon. If not for Semai, I would have been dead for a long time now. But that old female, it stared at me. I can still remember it so well.

The essence of attacking rothe. It is harder to capture, and I have no time now to do it like it should be done. The males in heat often threaten each other in the same position as well. The book I found in the bookstore, I should buy it someday. It seemed quite interesting, though it obviously did not tell anything of the wild ones.

[couple of crude sketches have been tucked between the book]

I ended up doing these pictures again. It has been so hectic, lately, I seem to need the time off from duties to balance it all.

Some things that happened made me think about Snark. It was comforting thought, even though its fate was, well, we ate it in the end. But before that, it ate our scraps and hid in its hole when someone came. As a child in a place like that, beside Semai it kept me sane, I suppose. For that short time.

[a sketch of a rat is between the sheets]

Sanity, I take a hold on that thought. What is it?

One of my friends has been killed. I wish I had been there. It would have cost me my place in the Watch I believe, but I still wish I had. What are they, they can’t offer any other help, than death? I hope she will be in peace now. I truly do.

The things I have found, of myself. I cannot always help, no matter how much I want to. And I cannot always fight, even if other possibilities seem only to bring shame and sorrow. Sometimes there is more sorrow in trying too much.

I wish Semai would approve of my thoughts. I am writing them down here, hoping someday, when I am gone, someone will read this and learn. Or maybe not. My thoughts aren’t as meaningfull as Semai’s were, after all.

But I will try, until I see it is better to let be.

My work, it has been keeping me busy. Sometimes I feel if what I do is important enough. But every little piece counts, I suppose. Counts while building this a better place to be, for us all.

What is it that I want? It was all so clear to me, when I came here. I am still following the code shown to me by my heart, or am I? It is so hard to tell now. Semai seems to have been gone for so long, and still I miss his guidance. Sometimes I feel as if I have been here forever. Which is a good feel.

My heart. Semai told me always to follow it, guided by my wisdom. But if it tells me to step in a path that is not wise?

I feel so frail in his presence.

[the writing is not as neat and controlled as in the earlier pages, it is almost slobby and smeared]

My hands, they tremble still. It is hard to focus.

So many deaths. So many deaths.

I allowed my mind to fool me. No, my heart to fool me. My true calling is to protect, but I did not succeed in it today. Still my mind wanders to things that hinder me, prevent me from focus.

Talath is right, of course. Rebuild. Work. Work will keep me focused.

Strong. That is what I need, to be strong. Mentally. Strength of mind, and wisdom. So much to learn still.

Will I ever be what Semai tought me? Achieve the balance, the harmony. Lately I have wondered, if that is what I want. If that is what I need. I have prayed. I forgot for so long, but now I have. Without Semai here though, I wonder if the Broken One hears me. I wish I could discuss of my faith with someone. I would like to hear wise words, like Semai used to speak to me.

It is strange, how one can - change, I guess. Or see things differently. I never believed... of course, I knew I can change. Semai told me, if there is no change, there is no life. So I will embrace the change, what ever it brings. And I will embrace the suffering, when it is coming. The Broken One will guide me.

We have been trying to get a criminal for days. There is always someone to catch, but this one seems to be able to avoid us far better than he should. Next time when he is found and if I am there, I will not leave, not give in. I wish there will be others to finish the job, if I would fall. Because he will kill me, if he can, for that I have no doupt upon.

Always someone to catch, always someone to die. It is the life, now, for me. Slaves died like flies. All in the moods of our masters, our enslavers. As if I would not be used to dying, all around me. I never dared to attach, but only to Semai. I remember. Yes, I do remember, a girl. I was little, maybe I was, what, five surface years? Yes, so Semai told me. She might have been a friend. But she stole a piece of food from their table. Food that had fallen to the floor she was cleaning. She was whipped to death for that. We were forced to watch, to teach us. Teach us what will happen. And then they whipped another girl, and yet another. They had done nothing, but it was a good example. I got spared. I had had my share of the whip, but not that time. And never to death. The Broken One must have been with me. I know Semai was, and he hid my misfortunes more than once.

I am lucky to be alive, yet. But if I die, I will not regret it. If there is a place where to be able to regret or be. I hope I will see Semai then.

We caught the criminal. I used my blade sparingly, he died to the stones thrown by citizens. But the feeling I had when I was beating him, knowing what he had done. I wanted to do more, feel the blade cut through his flesh, see his blood splutter to the ground, Semai what am I becoming?

I bought the shards, but I did not use them. He was there on cage, still headstrong, still cursing us all. Are we any better than those that slaved us? And could we be?

There was another one executed that day too. Good day for us, I was told by someone. And yet another in a cell, who didn’t make it to a trial even. But what else could be done, if we are trying to keep the town safe?

Still, there are darker threats lurking here, stronger dangers we have not been able to dispose of. Even amongst ourselves.

Semai told me about his wife often. He wished she still would be safe, and that she would not miss him too much. He told me she still was living in the world above us. His voice changed when he was talking of her. It got softer, more warm. The look in his eyes, I will never forget it.

Love.

We are not similar to the people living up there, I have learned this. Many of us have once lived there, but we are different now. I know nothing of how it could be, but from stories. Still I wish - I do so wish, that sometimes we could be like them.

Hope.

Greed is a bad thing. Pride is as bad, if there is too much of it. Can the need for knowledge be bad too? Semai tought me that to learn and to observe is good, but can it be bad also? If it leads to greed, and pride.

I must watch myself, since the actions I have done of late are not as wise as they could have been. I must remember, I am but a novice yet, compared to many people, whom have more experience and wisdom and are capable to use that experience and wisdom for our good.

Humility.

I believe I still have friends. And friendship can be found in most unexpected places, and people. I wish that my friendship is regarded as much as I regard the friendship of those I deem as my friends.

Friendship.

Sometimes action is good, sometimes silent observation.

I had a dream last night. In the dream I was talking to Semai again. And I was there, in the world of open sky and sun. Like one of those paintings they have in the Seeker's building. It was day, so bright. The river, it was so blue, so different. All the sounds of the creatures Semai had descriped to me, birds. And the flowers. The smell of them, even though I have never felt it, it was so strong in my dream.

In the dream Semai told me, that I should not try to avoid good things in life. Even if they seem scary at times. That I should also enjoy life, as it is a gift. Then he left and for a moment I was all alone there. Then - I was not alone anymore.

Later I dreamed of blood, blood and death. I have killed people. I cried out for Semai in that dream too, but he did not come.

I know they were evil people, and that by killing them we saved so many children from the fate I was born into. But they were people, they were human. As was he - no he wasn't. He was a beast, and I will rather forget. Beasts, men can turn into beasts, when they have nothing to hope for.

Dreams are dreams, I think as I read what I have written. I live in no dream. And I do not wish, either. There is so much to do, so many roads to choose. I will concentrate to what I can. Maybe it will make the life I live worth it.

I met an old friend, and we spoke of things so dark, that even in this forever dark place it seems they blocked the light. But it is nothing new. Darkness is familiar to me, it is all I have ever known. And I hope it will not get inside me, even though I obliged myself to a cause that might mean end. Or, a new beginning. But I can not loose yet another friend. I can not. And I will do whatever it takes to try and keep her.

What comes to things to do. I am planning something to make things maybe a bit lighter. It will take my thoughts away from...other things I rather not think about too much.

There is going to be light, and there is going to be happiness. If not for me, for someone.

I will not loose hope.

I will not loose hope. Even though it is scarse in this town. I will not loose it.

I have been suspended from my duties. For disobeying my superiors, for one superior. But I will not stop using my reason, not only because someone orders me not to. Not for a man whom I do not place my trust, whom behaves like he has no heart, nor respect toward anyone, who does not fullfill his standards.

I admit it here, I have once again maybe been too rash to act. I regret the arrest I placed upon Agent Delgado, but it was done. It was done, because I lost my temper. That is what I regret, not my mistrust to yet another man who seeks only his personal gain, not the good for us all.

I lost my temper again today, but that I do not regret. If I am now here, and not in my own bed, it is for the reason of free mind and for the freedom of thinking for myself. I did not change one slavery to another, and I will not. If it will make me defend this town on my own, without the support of the organization I have learned to respect during the months I have been here, then it will be so.

I will not loose hope. It is all I have. It is all we have.

It is good to be back. Back at home. I have come to realize, that that is what the Watch is for me. It is home, and family. I still need more wisdom and patience. I will not leave again, not until it is time for my final journey.

I am back, yes. And as I look this room, I see how full it is. Can we function, if we are drowned to things of past? Semai thought me, that to give up things, to loose those you do not need anymore, is vital to clear mind. I will have one day, when I will go through this room, all things that do not belong to anyone anymore. See what is needed, and what is not. Throw all unimportant away, and maybe I will find something there that can be used in the House of Light. I need to ask from one of the sergeants if I can donate things away, if there is something usefull.

I also need to start to plan the open house day. I wish this thing has not changed how my superiors think of it.

I do feel I have gained something of this. I wish to make Semai proud, I wish to be of use, and I wish to become more wise and more in control of myself. No, I do not wish. I will aspire toward it.

I am also interested of the sewers, now that I have walked there more often during my suspension. What really lies underneath this town? I have seen such interesting structures, but did the svirfneblin build those? Was it hem that lived there? When I have time, I will try to find out more. Maybe Miss Tyrell would know?

I am sorry Semai, I am not the woman you wanted me to be. I do not find that strenght within me to fulfill all expectations you had for me. I do not posses the willpower nor the patience I so hard tried to learn. I am not happy.

This town I wanted to protect so much, it has not given anything back. It is time for me to be selfish, and to try to get something elsewhere.

I am sorry Semai to let you down. I hope you will understand.

I have walked a long way, too long to let it all go waste. Semai, I can’t be exactly the woman you wished me to be, but I will be who I am, and try the best as myself.

The things in town have gone downhill, obviously. Talath is dead, I cannot believe it. He was one of my eldest friends here. I am happy Sally is still around. I had a talk with her. She has gained more confidence, I am sure she will do fine for the Watch.

Cail is as grumpy as ever. Though I did not know him that well before. He is not easily approachable. I will see if I can get him to talk with me someday. Might be hitting my head against a stone wall, but trying won’t take anything away from me.

I talked also with Ambler. Along with Fezlkirn he was one of the sergeants I found the most likeable. Silly word, but it is true. I didn’t much like most of them, but now it does not matter anymore. Ambler was being nice still, but now with a more serious tone. I am glad he still remembered me, amongst all the privates he must supervise.

I heard so many things, I have missed much while I have been laying low in the Mushroom and the shores of Dark Lake. Two councillors missing, and other one of them is Ivandur. I guess he finally put his head too deep somewhere it did not belong. He should not have been so brave, all the time. Same with Talath... I will miss them, both.

To lay low in the Blue Mushroom is no longer what I want to do. I have had enough of it.

[the name is lined over many times, so that it is not readable] is still alive. I am not so sure of her issues, but she is my friend, and I will see no harm come to her way, if that is in my hands. She made me think the council again. She wanted to pay for my registration as a candidate. She seems to have faith, where I have found none. So I took the offer, and went to the Herald’s office and paid the coin.

I have been away for so long, too long walking in the dark, now it is time to step open and do what I must. May the Broken One guide my path once again. I only hope that Semai could see me.

Why am I doing this? I keep asking it from myself daily. I know to whom, or what, she is loyal to. I know they would kill her, and myself, if it would be found out.

I keep telling myself, that she is still my friend, that it is not all a ruse, a clever plan to do her master’s bidding. But I have no idea what that bidding is, so I must go along. I don’t even know if I can keep her safe. So close to the edge.

I will write a letter before we leave, I will leave it to be delivered to Sally after we have departed the town. For the safety of people in here, because who knows -

I must trust her, she herself does not know other than what she wants to do. I just wish I will not take people there to die for nothing. For my own life, I do not care.

I was elected to the council.

The situation is awkward. I must advice [the name is lined over many times, so that it is not readable] to stay out of town as much as possible. For her own safety, and gods only know, maybe for the safety of the town as well. I will not be having much time to look after her now. But I will not let her to get into the clutches of the Spellguard, not again.

There is so much to learn for me now.

Struggle. That what it is, inside me. I feel my loyalty to lie to this town, but I can’t betray her. Still I fear, what is behind all of it. I doupt that Mind Eater is helping her just out of charity. But I know what they will do to her if they catch her.

I need to speak with Sally, though she has changed from what she was. But haven’t we all?