Authors note: these are retroactive journal entries, written--mostly--all at once after much time has passed as I decided I really wanted to keep some very specific memories of Sev in case I ever stopped playing her for whatever reason.

Ha! I think I finally did it! I finally, after so many days and months, outran the damn Shadow Thieves Guild! I figure, of all places, that the Shadows Thieves wouldn't set foot in Waterdeep. After all, they were kicked out of there to begin with.

'Course, I was wrong. They chased after me. Three assassins--three!--this time. I was just walking down a street just before sunset and noticed them tailing me. And I started running. I ran down alleys. I ran past other people.

Then I fell down a hole.

Then I fell down into some sewers. Which fell down into some caves. Which fell down into the bloody, freaking, Underdark.

At first, I thought I was screwed. I was in the Underdark--the stories I've heard about it... But then, considering how the Shadow Thieves weren't following down the same hole, sewers, caves after me. I realized I was finally free. I no longer have to worry about assassins aiming for my back with knives, poison, or magic.

I was free. Free like a bird.

Well, okay, apparently there are no birds in the Underdark. But bats--lots of those around here! I was free as a bat!

I landed, as far as I can tell, in a lake. I crawled out, vomiting water and my breakfast. I didn't know where to go so I just followed the first pathway I found.

Next thing I know--I'm at the gates of some city called Sanctuary.

I really am free now.

Sanctuary is just like any other city. There's Upper Sanctuary, all nice and clean--like Waterdeep. Then there's Lower Sanctuary, a complete and utter piss hole like the slums of Athkatla where I grew up in the orphanage--'cept not as many whores and courtesans.

Just as I liked Waterdeep, I liked Upper Sanctuary more. And not because it's clean and orderly--but... actually, yes, because it is clean and orderly. It's so much easier to cheat and lie and pick pocket when people aren't expecting it. So the Watchmen patrol the streets--ha! They don't even notice me half the time when I'm just standing in the shadows. Stupid, blind, idiots.

It certainly seems, though, as if Sanctuary, all of it--Upper and Lower--is just full of... yummies: humans, elves, half-elves. You'd think the lack of sunlight to be a bad thing. But: no. They all have this pale, delicate look to them. They look as if they were sculpted out of white marble. Or, even better: white chocolate. Hehe.

There's an inn in Upper Sanctuary called the Last Stand. Decent ale and liqueur. I've found all that I ever could want from life here. In that same inn I met another elf today--lots of elves, actually. Sentinels, they called themselves. They patrol the Underdark outside of Sanctuary, or something like that. But there's somebody else more interesting: Elrindra.

Elrindra was telling a story about how she was magically captured by some illithid trall or some other and how she escaped. On the way out to kill some gnolls with group of other adventures, she pointed out the rock where the thrall was standing when it teleported her away.

Out of curiosity she said is why she approached the thrall. Curious like a cat--and just as cute, too.

Elrindra--as it turns out--wants to set up a map making company. She asked me if I'd like to work with her. Easy money, I figure. So I joined and she sent me off on my first practice run mapping a section of the Underdark north of the lake I fell into.

That was fun and easy. I got to know a few other people who came along to help: Astalder--one of the Sentinels, or "Kin" as everybody else calls him; Somniis, another Sentinel--half elf woman, I think, sorta hard to tell, was kind of distracted; and Drin, a metal platted halfling holy warrior of some other. We mapped: I noted the location of a rock that looks like a butt, some mushrooms, ran into a deep lizard.

Like I said: that was fun. Rest of the day... Not so much.

I did a little bit of exploration in Lower Sanctuary. In the back alleys I ran into a Drow. Shit. I thought they were fables, fairy tales, legends... She was an utter bitch, too. But--wow!--was she hot! The Drow woman, apparently, hates the Sentinels. She asked me a bunch of questions, asked if I was one. I said no in my usual way and she called out how I tend to use the "vulgar language of a human".

She's actually the first person in this entire city to point that out. Strangely enough... She was the first person that I revealed something about my past to...

She wanted me to deliver a message to the Sentinels. I could have, would have, done that. But then she asked me to give her my rapier as a "tribute". To the Hells with that! I staled as much as possible, trying to get her to tell me as much possible--then I downed a potion of invisibility and ran like Hells.

On the way back to Upper Sanctuary, I ran into Somniis--the Drow caught up, too. A spat followed. Insults of honour. Claims of not knowing what the hell the other is talking about. Then some guy tried to set up a basement ring fight between Somniis and the Drow in the Crone.

This guy... I would come to hate. And I still do. Somniis was convinced to ignore the "duel" and we all went back to Upper. The same man who tried to set up the fight came up to use the sending system: insulted Somniis' honour, called her a coward, and so on.

Cowardice--I'd say, is just a fancy word for avoiding a fight one can't win. I made a little sending of my own: take your damn betting money and go find some whores you stupid sods.

As a reward for my first map--as silly as it was--Elrindra gave me a bottle of apple cap wine...

I've never been given a gift like that before...

The man who tried to set up the fight between Somniis and the Drow turned out to be a bouncer of the Pissing Crone. I found this out as I was splitting loot with a group of others--inside the Crone. He cornered me in Crone and tried to force an apology out of me.

Beshaba must've been thinking I was deserving of any bad luck though. A little halfling girl who was in our party casted a spell of invisibility on me, allowing me to escape.

A few minutes later, in Upper Sanctuary, I saw the same halfling girl... Beaten... Robbed! Missing her teeth! That son of a bitch!

William Pearce is his name--he will pay.

Elrindra and I talk a lot. About stuff. Different things. I told her about my past--how I grew up in an orphanage in Athkatla, since I was a baby, as far as I can tell. I grew up surrounded by humans.

I know nothing about my elven heritage. Elven history. Elven language.

Elrindra pities me... I think. I don't really understand why.

I never gave a damn about my pointy ears or my small size (my legs, though, are fine!). I just knew I was good with my fingers--that I couldn't be seen by nearly anybody if I used the environment right.

For some reason, when I think about what I would do if I ever found my real parents, the first thought that comes to mind is kill them...

Anyway, Elrindra's worried that my heavy drinking isn't good for me. She asked me to stop drinking. Asked me to make me promise I wouldn't drink anymore.

For her I would.

That Drow bitch nearly killed me today! I was returning with a group of others who went to kill some trolls when we ran into the Drow and some of pals of hers... I thought I could sneak away, but in the ensuing fight--which I didn't start and don't even know how it started--I was spotted. I tried to run for it but she chased after me, her huge sword higher over her head, the fires of Hells in her eyes. She hated me... For some reason...

I don't know what happened, I think a cloud of bats got in my way and the Drow caught up to me... But I fell and lost consciousness. I'm not sure what happened either, but I found myself awake on the cold, rock ground of the Underdark. I'm guessing maybe somebody else from the troll killing party I was with chased after her and she dropped my body after that...

I don't know... And I don't care. I was just glad I made it back to Sanctuary, bloody and torn as I was. As soon as I got back--I kept on thinking of how I would pay her back. How to make her suffer? Make her hurt? I can't swing a sword as hard as she can, but I can shoot a bolt into some very tender places that's for sure.

When I got back to Sanctuary, I wandered down to Lower. I had just missed a party, apparently. The Drow bitch was burned alive. I spat on her ashes, but I would've preferred to put a bolt through her eyes while she was tied and burning. But even then, I don't think that would've satisfied me...

I was glad she was dead though. I could've kissed whoever did her in. Turns out it was some wanted necromancer who's half skeleton. I rethought my "would kiss the Drow killer" idea after finding that out.

I lost the bottle of apple cap wine Elrindra gave me--I think the Drow took it--why? I don't know... I raged... I went with Elrindra and others to raid a camp of goblins... I raged on them. My bolts, my sword--drank so much goblin blood... But it didn't make me feel any better for losing the bottle...

William Pearce has paid. At least partly. Enough that I feel satisfied for now.

Elrindra took me someplace today. A peaceful cave in the Underdark. It was filled with bright fungus and a warm spring...

We talked a bit about our past again. All I can remember, though, was how she described her home--her old home: Evereska, the Vale. Tall, beautiful, lush trees and amazing buildings that were one with nature itself.

It was amazing, how the memory of it affected her. It was amazing how much it meant to her.

But it meant nothing--nothing at all--to me. I couldn't imagine it. I couldn't picture it. I couldn't feel it in anyway. I envied her.

"Home", I never had one. I grew up in a cesspool: slums, poverty, beggars. "Home" is nothing beautiful to me.

I also envied Elrindra because she's really something... I drank like a fish--before she made me promise not to anymore--because my life was shit. It was crap. Growing up in the slums of Athkatla. Running from the Shadows Thieves. Sanctuary being the "improvement" that it is... I drank to make it all go away, to forget it all, to numb myself.

But Elrindra... She's lost so much... Family, friends, Evereska... She's lost so much more than me and yet I so easily turned to drink.

I don't know how she does it... Coping with losing all that. I don't know how she doesn't drown herself. I envy her. She's really something.

I spent a lot of time with other elves today: Elrindra, a whole bunch of Sentinels--Astalder, Somniis, and two others whom I've learned to be Morwen and, their leader, the Eldest Sorrell. Also, today, I met Mithalvarin. She's apparently some priest of the elven pantheon. Gardenwarden of Correlion or something like that.

She grates me... for some reason... All of them did today... Even Elrindra, a little... Talking about elven gods and elven swords and elven this or that...

It's just...

--I'm not! I'm not elven! I felt so out of place in that Sentinel camp when they were speaking of elvenish things! I grew up among the rude, obnoxious, jackass humans in Athkatla--and that's how I grew up! It's who I became!

The Drow bitch recognizd that...

But nobody else? Elrindra talked to me about learning to speak elven properly--I should watch Sorrell and Mithalvarin speak, she said, so could learn how to properly pronounce the words.

But they're not my words! Not my language! "Vedwee", "May govna". Not my words. Not me... Because I'm nobody.

After, outside the cave. A goblin and kobold were spotted dragging some huge box along the Underdark. Elrindra and I went looking for them but we got separated. Hopefully she has better luck than I do finding them.

Elrindra's dead.

Oh gods... Oh, Beshaba! Why?! No--she can't be. Beshaba, I hoped you were looking away, I hoped you spared her... Me...

I can only hope that she's not dead--that the Sentinels aren't dead. I can only hope they were just captured...

Elrindra never came back from looking for the goblin and kobold. But I found the kobold and I fed it gold so that it would talk. It told me how Elrindra tracked it down, how the Sentinels thought the box the goblin and kobold were dragging were stolen from the Sentinel's camp.

But no. The box was a set of supplies from Mur which was supposed to go to some Drow slave camp...

As soon as I heard those three words... I knew what had gone wrong. The day before: with Elrindra, the Sentinels, and Mithalvarin. They were all hunting Drow. They wandered--patrolled--the Underdark, looking for Drow patrols and driders. We killed some, too. But... I got the impression they weren't completely satisfied with what little they killed...

They went to the Drow slave camp... And they never came back.

Elrindra's not coming back.

I broke the promise I made to Elrindra...

I tried not to. But she's not here. She's not here to hold me to the promise...

I drowned my self.

And it didn't help a single bit.

I've tried to work things out with William Pearce. I've got enough trouble and crap going on in my life as it is; I figured I don't need to worry about being stabbed from behind while walking around Lower--or even out in random parts of the Underdark.

But the bastard's a stubborn one. He thinks too much about money, about things he's lost.

He'll lose a hell of a lot more.

I'm probably being risky and brash--stupid even. But I've got nothing else to lose now do I?

I can't get revenge on the Drow. But maybe settling for the next best thing will make me feel better...

Astalder is alive. I don't know how, but... he is.

Why the Hells is he alive!? Why wasn't he with the others? Elrindra? Helping them?!

He's not the last Sentinel left--there's also this elf girl named Morwen that I met. But she had an excuse, she was ill and sick and still recovering from some horrible wounds in the Stand when it all happened.

But Astalder! He had no excuse! I've seen him fight, he's skilled, he's good. He says he'll get them back... But why wasnt' he protecting them to begin with?!

He'll get them back, he says. But it's already been too long...

Oh Gods...

I wanted to the beat the shit out of him.

Even if it's not his fault. Even if it would be wrong of me.

I couldn't stand to look at Astalder. Nor stand him getting all emotional and touchy-feely.

Not what I need. Not what I want.

Some preacher was bothering me in Lower today. Actually, not some preacher--somebody I know pretty well. Bloody thief, making off with loot and gold and other things from jobs we've done together.

Screw him and his damn Giver.

I don't think any of the Gods could give me back what I lost.

William is dead.

I have no idea what happened, but his whole body is piked at the In-Between. I stared at his dead body for minutes but...

I thought I'd feel good if he ever got killed, even if it wasn't by one of my bolts or my blade. I felt angry and hateful at him when he was alive--he was such a smug, arrogant bastard.

I had it all planned out in my mind! I'd catch the bastard from behind, put a crossbow bolt through the back of his knee, and knock him over the head out cold. When he'd come to, it would be because of another bolt I put through his arm or leg. And I'd keep on shooting. Reloading. Shooting. Reloading. Shooting. Till he was nothing but a pincushion left. I'd finish him off by putting a bolt through his chest, but not through his heart. No. I'd want him to bleed out slowly. And as he did so, I'd tell him how I was just taking out all of the frustration and shit I've had to deal with in my life on him.

But now? I almost felt a little bit of pity for him.

I feel nothing now...

This... city... I was so happy when I got here at first! But now?! Now... It's empty! A void! There is nothing for me here!

Nobody to hate!

Nobody to...

I didn't think Sanctuary could become any more a crazier, weirder place. But then these two elves showed up. All they talk about are mates and procreation.

And in the most naive, annoying way, too. Every other word that comes out of their mouths is either "mate" or "child" or "nurture" or "cherish".

I showed them Lower. I kicked dirt on some beggar kid. But they didn't get it. They talked about "Joy" and "Purpose". I have none of those this now. I don't think I ever did. Not from where I came from, the orphanage in Athkatla.

One of them. The guy. Kept on asking me about my paste "mate"; someone that I cared for.

I told him I never had one. At least, not like what he meant, I'm pretty sure.

But there was still someone that was brought to my mind.

But I should forget. It's been far too long. There's no chance now.

Is there?

He just wouldn't shut up... Astalder just wouldn't shut up.

And apparently because I wouldn't listen the bastard sicked his damn lizard pet on me. Hit me with some magical force, too.

When you're not expecting a fight, chances are you don't win.

That cheap bastard.

Doesn't he get it? I'm not done. I'm still angry! Still pissed!

Still not ready to say...

I'm angry as Hells and I don't have to take his shit.

Somniis... Is back. She escaped, somehow.

Elrindra... Didn't. She...

I can say this now--I can say it now and mean it and know it's true. Because I know for sure. Because somebody I trust has seen it and has told me.

Elrindra's dead.

Not gone. Not missing. Not somewhere else.

Dead.

Elrindra's dead.

I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry I broke my promise to you.

Astalder invited me to join the Sentinels. Apparently it was originally Morwen's idea and Astalder is "extending" it to me now...

Wonder what that's supposed to mean exactly.

But no. Since I met them, I didn't care. Now, I don't care.

Searching for the Surface. Protecting people. Patrolling the wilds of the Underdark. Not my thing. Cities are my jungle. Protect...? Ha.

I'm no Sentinel. I don't want to be one. I wouldn't be able to stand being one. Especially... Not with her around...

It's probably not fair... But I can't help thinking it's her fault maybe...

I'm taking my rooms at the Crone now. The Stand... It's not the same for me, I can't bear to be in it for long. I still go to Upper to check for jobs and whatnot. But it's not someplace I like to hang around much anymore...

A bunch of Crone guys tried to get back William's piked body from the In-Between. They sent a fire genasi woman up alone. And when she didn't come back, they just shrugged and walked off.

That's my thing. Callous bastards who don't give a damn who they use and what for and whether or not you get killed in the process. For a second, Lower felt like Athkatla and the Lowersmen the Shadow Thieves.

Maybe I was wrong? All those Lowersmen who shrugged at the fire genasi not returning attacked the In-Between gates en masse. Now they're all captured and jailed. Some dead, from stoning and inside their cells from what I've heard.

The really twisted part...? William's back. Well, at least his body. They managed to get it off the pike, it's hold up somewhere in the Crone's basement now. A couple of people, the cute Crone waitress and a Seeker, from what I can remember, tried to raise him.

Shit. Not what I wanted. But I offered to help pay for the raise anyway.

Why?

Because I'm living in Lower now. And if William came back, I don't want to be on his bad side. I figure if he's raised and I helped pay for it. That might even things out for us.

Luckily, the priestess in the Ibrandul cavern said she couldn't raise him.

Now I just have to hope he isn't brought back by a necromancer or something like that. 'Cause I'm not sure I want to get all buddy-buddy with a necromancer just so I can be all buddy-buddy with a zombie William so that he won't try to eat my brains for hanging out in the Crone.

Well... Being in Lower certainly gives you other things to worry about to occupy your mind.

Lower is disgusting. Living there is even worse: it's poor, boring, idle.

But when just about everybody who works for the Crone got themselves killed, I spotted what seems to be a decent job opportunity. I talked with Cyrus about working for him. He's not a very talkative guy he just told me to talk to Kate--the last surviving employee--about it and then he'll decide from what Kate says.

Problem is... I'm not exactly that great of a fighter one-on-one. Being a door bouncer isn't going to be my strong point. But what the hells? If I can get Cyrus to tell that Glorblor ogre to listen to me, I probably won't have much trouble. And even then, if I arrange all of those fight nights and whatnot, get the money coming in, I could maybe convince Cyrus to hire other bouncers or something.

At first, I thought about joining the Kenning Company. I've even went on a couple of jobs with a woman named Maiev who, I think, is in charge of the whole thing. But I also heard that this Kenning Company is related to some rich, noble family or something back in Upper. And if the rumours of Upper attacking the Canal Ward is true, that's the hells of a lot more shit and politics I'd want to deal with.

The Crone, on the other hand, it's always the people that work for it that get in trouble and involved with the Watch and Spellguard in Upper. Cyrus? I haven't heard of him doing anything personally to piss them off--though I suppose I don't know him that well...

I'd be different though. Of course. I want to stay as far away from Upper as much as possible. As far away from them...

It's her fault! It's Somniis' fault! She shouldn't have came back alone! Somniis should be dead! Elrindra should have been the one to come back alive! Elrindra!

Astalder made me... He made me say those things today. He wouldn't stop asking and I just had nothing else to tell him. And so I told him. Out loud. I screamed them. I wished I could've screamed them even louder. So that Somniis, where ever the hells she was, would have heard it.

He always follows... Astalder, I ran all around Lower and the Canal Ward today to try to get away from him. But I couldn't out run him. When he cornered me, when he wouldn't move, I pulled out my sword on him.

Stupid bastard wouldn't move still! I tried to hit him but just barely did. He thought I wouldn't actually hit him, kill him...

But I would if he got in my way again.

Maiev... Something seems a little off about Maiev. Can't seem to resist her though; she sure knows how to fight, not to mention lead people into one. I'm definitely glad, however, that I didn't sign up for the Kennings company thing. She is a little scary...

Also glad about not joining the Kennings company considering these two dwarves brothers that, apparently, work for it. The Gemcutters. Bastards want me dead--or at least have said so in not so subtle ways; I'm pretty having my legs chopped off will result in my death. I went with a group of others with the two of them to raid some gnolls. One of the dwarves ran off with whatever he looted from the corpses and chests so I didn't give the other brother any share of gold.

I better be sure to stock up on invisibility potions...

Funny thing is. When the two dwarves were talking crap about me, some Tempus priest got involved, challenging one of them to a duel. Despite the other one getting involved, he still kicked both their asses. Ha. I blew the priest a kiss from where I was watching, though I think maybe he deserves a bit more...

I talked with Kate today. She showed me around the Crone, I got a chance to get a better look at h--the nook and crannies of the Crone I haven't seen before. Also talked about some ideas I had. She said she liked me, and would say the same to Cyrus. Hopefully Cyrus won't be too busy and I'll talk about it with him.

Things are starting to look up... Hopefully they'll stay away from me.

What the hells?! Who does this Nathaniel Swift guy think he is and what the hells makes him think he's got the right to say anything about me or what I feel--felt--about Elrindra?!

I barely even know the guy! I don't even know how he knows so much about me! I think I just figured out his name for sure today when I heard him say it to somebody else. But--just out of no where: "Surely you must have a reason to gather some dignity in your life still, Sev... Do not squander it with the loss of Elrindra?"

What? What?! What does he know about Elrindra and I?!

Shit--it's like he's another Astalder. Nosy bastards. Not even an damn Sentinel, as far as I can tell, and he's pestering me about this.

Nathaniel Swift? Who the hells? He's damn worse than that damn Kyle guy, who, as far as I can tell, just acts all caring and attentive cause he wants me in the sack or something.

Gods... Why the hells can't I just be left alone...?

Today Cyrus handed me a copy of the Pissing Crone key.

I'm sure there's quite a bit of irony in all of this.

Well, I guess I should make myself useful.

I ended up doing some work with Nathaniel Swift today. The guy's a serious jack ass. I have no idea what his problem is. Or why he seems so interested and involved in my life. I asked him if he was pals with the Sentinels but he hardly gave a definite answer.

I saw... her on the streets today. From far away... I don't know if she spotted me but she didn't act like she did.

I saw her... and I felt angry. Sad. Frustrated. I wished that she wasn't standing on the streets of Sanctuary, but underwater somewhere, feeding fishes--their positions swapped.

Tymora should have had abandoned her; Beshaba toyed with her... Why, Gods, why did you do this to me?

Kyle wants to be my friend. He says so anyway. Whatever. I don't care. Don't care much about friends or making them. Well, other then the one...

Hmm... Maybe he'd like a job as a bouncer? With it being just Kate and I working for Cyrus, Glorblor is the only decent one in a fight. And I'd rather not have to place my bets on the ogre.

Kyle said he got into a fist fight with Astalder. I hoped he hurt him--a lot. I suppose Kyle's not so bad, when Astalder showed up today, Kyle was telling him to stop bothering me.

I should've took the chance to ask Astalder what he knows about Nathaniel Swift, though. If Nathaniel is getting all personal with me 'cause of the Sentinels.

Too bad I was too angry at Astalder for bothering me to actually think of that when I had the chance.

One of the greatest thing about working for the Crone? It gives me a place to hide out from Astalder if he chases after me. If I need to, I can just lock myself in the Crone's basement--wait for him to tire out and leave.

And if worse comes to worse, I can get Glorblor to smash his head in.

Today, though, when Astalder actually chased me down into the Crone's basement--I hope Cyrus doesn't find out about that and fire me--I got some help from another elf named Nelas.

Gods... Men. Why are so many so interested in me for who knows how many different reasons? I didn't know for sure about Nelas, I just picked up on a couple of dropped hints. But I think he made things pretty clear today when he got all pissy today.

A few weeks ago I saw some flyers for Cola Galley's Gallery. One of things she was selling was a magical crossbow that could pierce usually impenetrable hides, armour, magical defenses, and so on. I sent her a letter about it but never got a response back and today I finally met her and did a couple of jobs with her and others.

At this point, Cola had raised the price of the crossbow--it was a thousand gold pieces but now a thousand, five hundred--and I only had a mere third of that.

The best I could do was offer her the five hundred I had and ask for the other one thousand to be the reward for the last job we did together but she couldn't pay me for.

Not surprisingly she didn't take that offer and, but instead gave me a counter offer: five hundred gold now and a night in the sack.

I pulled out my bed roll from my pack and asked her to pick a corner of the tunnels we were traveling through at the time.

Unfortunately, she was joking. And I say "unfortunately" not just because I couldn't buy the crossbow off her--she was cute, and definitely had a funny... wild? personality... Besides, ever since I fell into the Underdark, it's been a while since I've--

Cola was kidding. But I kept on running with it. Nelas, on the other hand and as I said, got all pissy. Being all quiet, sour, and dour. Not saying anything to me, keeping away from me. Whining about wanting to get back to Sanctuary as soon as possible. Overall, just acting like some stupid, spoiled, jealous boy who couldn't get what he wanted: me--apparently.

I got what I wanted though, well, partly, anyways. Cola just gave me the crossbow, no gold in exchange or anything. She asked me if I really meant what I said about the deal.

"Very." I said.

She handed it over right there on the spot.

"Were good for a larf, but buyin' it ain't no fun."

I'm not really sure what she meant by that.

But, whatever, I got the crossbow. Too bad I didn't get--

Gods... I'm such a slut...

?

"Tell me why you've suddenly become so interested in me a few days ago. What's it matter to you?"

"Can I not have good interest in mind for someone that has so much potential?"

"Pfuh. Potential for what, then?"

"To continue your work, to use your abilities for something better than merely drinking, telling people off and wandering on pointless jobs just to earn some coin."

"What else is there?"

"Making this existence better for yourself and those around you that have pure hearts."

"That's it? 'Making things better for myself and helping others'? That's all you've been bothering me about? I am making this existence better for myself."

"As a barkeep."

That idiot, Nathaniel. He doesn't know anything. Being a barkeep is more than enough for me. Working for Cyrus has been the most stable, least-dangerous, safest--Hells, most honest, even--work I've ever done in my life.

'Course, a damn worshiper of Tymora probably wouldn't figure something like that.

--I may go around telling people off and wander for coins, but I at least don't drink anymore...

For Gods' sake. It looks like Beshaba thinks I've been lax in my faith to her or something. Apparently Nelas has been talking to Astalder since what happened with the three of us in the Crone.

Now Nelas is starting to spew out the same crap as Astalder does. He says he cares about me, Astalder told him that I used to smile, so Nelas wants to help me because I was something else before than what I am now. Then, of course, there's the usual "moving on" from "feeling sorry for myself" crap that I expected from Astalder, not Nelas.

I did come down to Lower to be alone...

But I don't think I ever expected to become this lonely... With so many people against me...

And I do smile now... Not as much as I did with... Elrindra. But I still do sometimes.

It's not the same...

The men in this city are pathetic--always laying it on thick. Always the same damn thing, too: "Oh! You look beautiful/better/ prettier without your helmet on!"

First, Nelas. Now, Kyle. I feel tempted just to jump in the sack with him just so he'd get over it and shut up.

Hmm... Now that I think about it... Keira's said something along those lines to me, too...

Heh. Figures. I offer Kyle a moment in bed with me if he'll stop with the damn flirting but he backs down. Wouldn't do it just for that reason, he says.

What other reason would he need? He kissed me--tried to, just barely did. But that's not what I'm looking for. Not a reason I'd give.

When I was talking with Kyle in the Crone, Morwen came in. Seeing her made me feel... I don't know... Just... Angry. At the Sentinels, Astalder, Somniis.

Morwen said she was going to go out exploring--mapping. That she wanted to pick up what Elrindra started...

Hearing that made me feel sad.

I probably am letting her down...

Well she should come back to haunt me and tell me herself.

Mmmmmm...

It's been so long!

And as a little bonus, it's seems Kyle's calmed down quite a bit. Not as irritating, obnoxious, and--especially--flirtatious as he was before.

That's good.

Huh... The things a man does on his wedding day...

However, apparently it was sprung on Kyle by Allivarn. Which doesn't make Kyle seem as ballsy as I first thought.

He's in a foul, dour mood now though.

And I have to admit, I much rather prefer the obnoxious flirting over this.

Hmmph. I've got to admit I don't know what to do in a case like this. Not much of that emotional support and stuff from me.

Also... Astalder was chasing me all over Sanctuary again today. Morwen was with him and I had a bit of a chat with her, too. I think, maybe, Morwen might get him to stop, though.

And... I think maybe Morwen understands...

When Keira and I had some free time, we had a conversation that I really didn't care much about. The city; the people. She seemed appalled that I didn't care for these things. That I could shrug and think nothing of it; the suffering of beggars and ex-slaves; of people under oppression.

There's no reason really why I don't care. I just don't. Never have--anywhere. Maybe because I grew up in Athkatla, I saw how horrible life was and didn't want to bother with anything that could make it so much worth.

Like caring.

I'm having enough trouble as it is caring about myself.

I still visit the peaceful caves that Elrindra showed me every once in a while. If I've been out in the Underdark and am nearby, I'll sometimes just go in for a bit of a rest.

Not surprised that it's not the same.

I've even got halflings hitting on me now...

Seriously... What the Hells?

The darkness must make all men go mad or something.

I'm working on starting up the beast fights for the Crone. Beast fights means animals. Animals means hunters. So, somehow, I found myself a kobold animal catcher to help.

Things were going great: caught three large rats and a rothe. Then the kobold tried to capture a draghazar and it all turned to crap.

Ah, well, the kobold isn't dead--nearly was though. We'll try to capture some more some other time I guess.

I wonder if there's something about the Underdark that makes people--those who were regularly or supposed to be surfacers--lonely and desperate for connections and relationships with one another.

It's a trend I've noticed in a lot of people: Kyle, Nelas, Keira and Salvador--seriously, I don't even remember how I got so friendly with those two--the Sentinels, Elrindra even...

It's just that everybody seems so eager to be make friends, to open up, to get to know me.

And now... a woman named Myria.

She's a person I've encountered before. More than once, she's seen me running away from Astalder--or yelling at him. I also remember, that time when there was confusion as to whether or not William Pearce's was going to be resurrected, she was there, too.

Myria mentioned the Peaceful Cave and I must've flinched or something because she recognized that the mere mentioned of it hurt me. Next thing I know, she's offering her time, her presence, her ears, offered to listen... Just for me.

If only I would speak...

If only it wouldn't hurt...

The list of crazy people in the Underdark just keeps on growing. The latest addition? Halflings.

There's this new arrival--I think--to Sanctuary: a little halfling girl who calls herself Rabbit and seems as naive and, even, stupid as a new born baby. She's, seemingly, obsessed with throwing fruit around. I was with a group of adventurers taking care of some quaggoths when she came along and ended up being pretty damn useless.

But, since then, things have changed a little...

She's learned how to use a large sword, for one. Also, she's found a few more useful things to throw around.

But... The really striking part--to me at least... Was one time, just outside the Stand, Rabbit was approached by another halfling named Felicia.

Felicia just wouldn't leave her alone, I don't know about what exactly, but I got the impression that Felicia was trying to protect Rabbit... No matter how many times Rabbit told her to go away and leave her alone, Felicia would refuse. It was almost felt as if I was watching myself for a second. Rabbit said and yelled the same words that I've said to Astalder...

Earlier, Rabbit had said how she liked the colour of my leathers. After seeing what happened between her and Felicia, I felt a little sorry for her and gave her the spare dyes I had left over. She used them right away and... now she looks like a little miniature version of me which is creepy and unnerving in a way...

The really strange, crazy part is now Rabbit thinks I'm the only "tallfolk" worth trusting... She took me giving her the dyes, something so small and trivial and completely over blew it in such an insane way. "Pure", she called me. That's just complete rotheshit considering... everything I've done in my life! But, she wouldn't believe me.

There was one other "tallfolk" that she trusted. Calrind, the Tempus priest that helped me out with the crazy dwarves before. But... Somehow, he was killed and Rabbit blames Councilors Wyric, Deepingdale, his halfling pal Sig, and--somehow--Kyle. Rabbit was so upset about Calrind's death; so angry and furious. She even got angry at me and said that I didn't understand what it was like to lose somebody important.

At this point, I had had enough. Having a stupid halfling girl follow me around and copying my dress is one thing. But for her to say I don't know what it's like to lose somebody important?

Ha!

She's the one that doesn't know! As soon as she started this shit I walked off. But she chased after me and caught up to me just outside the Upper Gates. Again, I walked off--and this time I told her not to follow me into the Underdark cause she'd end up getting herself killed.

She didn't listen...

Further out, a malar beast was ripping kobolds, gnolls, and prowlers to shreds. I tried to sneak around it but Rabbit had caught up to me and who would the malar beast try to slaughter next?

Stupid halfling girl...

I should've kept on walking--the beast ran right by me as it chased down Rabbit... I could have gotten away without any trouble...

But... I was planning on going to the Peaceful Caves... And... Elrindra... Would never speak to me ever again if she was alive and knew I had left some poor halfling girl to die... Especially one that... knows the same pain and suffering as I have, even if slightly different...

I shot at the malar beast from behind with my crossbow but it was no good--I had only caught its attention and within seconds I was down on the ground, the beast on top of me--pinning me down with one of its claws while the other shredded at my flesh.

Rabbit saved me--though maybe that might not be the right word since I got into the mess because of her in the first place. But, she managed to heal my wounds before I completely bled to death and the two of us sneaked away from the beast together.

Once we had reach relative safety... Rabbit started... crying over me... I just wanted her to shut up but... She was really upset for nearly getting me killed...

All because of the dyes I gave her...

Next thing I know, she's telling me her life story: about her family, her escape from slavers. Like all the crazy people in this damned city, she just opens up to me...

I tried not to care.

A halfling girl? I've got enough trouble in my life.

I tried not to care... But I couldn't help feeling sorry for her; how she wants to be left alone; how she can't get over the pain of losing someone so special...

In a way, somehow, partly... She's me... And I had always been about caring for myself...

She hugged me before she left to rest for the night. It was awkward as the hells... But, I couldn't push her away.

* * *

Nathaniel Swift is dead. Drin told me. Ha. Worshipping Tymora did shit for him, didn't it?

Too bad he never realized it's Beshaba you have to worry about. Chances are, Beshaba will be responsible for your death, afterall.

* * *

I saw Morwen again today, worked with her and some others to raid a goblin camp. I... Wanted to talk to her... About what she had mentioned before when she got Astalder to stop haunting me. But there were some issues with timing as she had to speak with Myria.

I have to wait, for now. But I really do want to talk to her... I think maybe she's the only one that even has a hint of why Elrindra's death is so hard for me...

Rabbit told me more about herself. I ran into her in the Crone after she ran away from the Watch.

Damnit. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised considering how she is, but getting involved with the Watch is the last thing I wanted or need.

But... Ah. Nothing I can do about it I guess...

Rabbit told me more about her past. What happened to her family, to her...

Drin found us two. He was pissed because of whatever Rabbit did to get away from the Watch. He exiled her from the Temple of Tyr and New Dunwarren and that really seemed to have hurt her a lot.

I'm going to have to have a chat with him.

Before I left, Rabbit hugged me again--I didn't hesitate to hug back.

Next to me, Rabbit's sleeping quietly in bed.

Erm--

Gutterminds!

Rabbit, myself, Keira, Nelas, Myria and others were seeing to the troubles of the Hoarran Temple. It was a mess, for a lot of reasons that involved Rabbit...

She's so full of anger and hate. And she releases it so ea----------

Anger and hate. And because of reasons that really don't make a lot of sense--Well, they do, just not completely.

I couldn't help it. This time, I hugged her, brought her close to me, held her.

She fell asleep in my arms, so I carried her back to the Crone and put her in a bed. Out in the hallways, I bumped into Drin who says he'll let her visit and stay at the Temple of Tyr. She said she wanted to become like Drin, so that's probably a good thing.

When I went back into the room, she was reading this book. I never planned on letting her see or read it. I didn't want her to know about Elrindra, the Sentinels, everybody else--about me.

But, well.... Oh well.

Hello, Rabbit.

So much for not caring.

I bet Keira would be real proud and happy for me that I found something to care for.

Men...! Kyle seems to really enjoy bringing up what happened between us. Proud of himself maybe? Likes to gloat? Or to be constantly reassured?

Ah, well. It's not like he has to reminded me or anything.

I've been trying to convince Rabbit that it's not fair for her to be angry at all the talls. That she'll have to live with them whether she likes it or not, including Kyle whom she especially blames him for Calrind's death.

It's tough though. I'm not sure if I could ever change her mind. I think maybe she should spend more time with Drin. I would think he'd be better at this kind of thing than me, being Shieldarm and all.

One of the crazy make-babies druids, the druidess, was in Sanctuary again today. I haven't seen her in a while but today I spotted Rabbit and her talking so I quickly hid around the corner of the Stand.

Later on, when Rabbit and I were looking around for work, we checked out the Upper City Gates and ended up bumping into the druidess anyway...

Well, I suppose I can't hide from her forever. When she saw Rabbit holding onto my hand, I knew I wasn't going to hear the end of it.

Change.

She said I changed, for the better because I was caring for Rabbit.

Changed.

Yes... But for the better? I don't know about that... I can't imagine what would happen to me if I ended up losing Rabbit.

--Let's not think about that.

During our conversation, the druidess called out to her animal companion, a bat. Rabbit, it turns out, is afraid of bats--even threw a rock at it when it first appeared.

I quickly stopped her, told her that the bat was harmless and that it wouldn't hurt her. I didn't think the druidess would have any random, wild animal following her around...

And that's when I thought...

I asked Rabbit to let the bat near her, made her promise me she'd try. And I promised her I'd protect her, that it wouldn't harm her. After a few moments of the bat crawling on her shoulders, Rabbit was still afraid of bats, but not as afraid--and especially not so much of the druidess' companion.

That's all I wanted to show her: that not all things that you fear turn out to be monsters out to hurt you.

That's what she needs to learn.

"Have you ever lost somebody? Somebody close?"

"How'd... You deal with it?"

"I never told her..."

"What bothers me most is that she doesn't know though... That doesn't make me angry, like Astalder annoying me... It just makes me feel horrible..."

I had another chat with Morwen...

I don't know if it really lead anywhere or changed anything with me alone...

But I think maybe it might at least lead somewhere and change something between Morwen and me...

I finally traveled all the way along the dark canal today--I was surprised to learned that it leads to the wet caves by and feeds into the dark lake. Though maybe the "dark" in the two names should've clued me in on that.

Along the shores of the dark lake, I found some raw, fresh fish. I picked it up to save for Rabbit who really likes fish.

I also asked Rabbit about what exactly Drin is training her to do. Fight, she says--I could feel my face fall. Drin with his shield and axe and plate armour. He fights at the front. In the fray, face to face with the gods knows what.

The thought of Rabbit doing the same, learning to fight in the thick of all that danger--

Hrm...

Feeding her fish...

Worrying about her safety...

For the gods' sake, I've turned into a mother...!

Earlier in the day, Rabbit mentioned thinking about buying some new armour but decided against it because it didn't cover her arms. She doesn't want to show her arms to anybody; I didn't find out till later why.

With a dwarf and two followers of "the Smiling Death"--whoever that is, Rabbit and I attacked a tribe of escaped quaggoth slaves that was running amuck after the Seekers helped them escape. In one of the battles, we were charged on all sides by quaggoths. Rabbit pulled out her dagger and charged one of them. I quickly aimed my crossbow on the quaggoth that Rabbit was attacking but I was too late, it had swung its halberd downwards, Rabbit couldn't get out of the way...

She crumpled to the floor--

The seconds after that were a blur, moments--flashes--of me slashing and stabbing at the quaggoths still around her fallen body. Then I was on my knees, shaking Rabbit by the shoulders, hoping that she'd wake up.

She did... So much relief...!

When we got back to Sanctuary, Rabbit collapsed from exhaustion. I carried her to one of the rooms of the Crone. I accidentally pulled off one of her gauntlets when she woke up. I remembered that she didn't want anybody to see her arms but she showed me anyway.

Burns. Horrible burns. Her captors or slavers or whatever they were--they had burned her entire body up to her neck.

She has dreams about them, her captor-slavers. Every night, she says, except for two exceptions. The dreams make her feel guilty, she feels that she doesn't deserve to live, that she should've protected her family.

She has nightmares of not being able to protect...

But she dreams of being a protector...

Whenever there's some dangerous work to do, Rabbit and I go together... So that, for my sake, I can keep an eye on her...

Just now, though, she was with a group of others that went to help the Temple of Hoar who are apparently having some trouble with undead walking about their crypts.

I would have gone with her... But I decided not to. Not now. Even though I promised her I'd always protect her, I'll end up breaking that promise eventually because I simply can't.

She wants to become a protector, she'll have to work on that alone--without me... mothering over her.

At least she got herself a bigger shield.

I made a pass on Myria today. Oops.

A group of Seekers set off to look into the frozen wastes where some frost giants spend their time. We really didn't get anywhere, just spent some time walking in circles, jumping through portals trying to figure out where the hells to go and such.

As I walked around in the bitter cold, I thought about how it seems all of life is the same thing. Just wandering around, going around no where in particular, and having it all just eat away at your mind till you go crazy.

Figures I'd be tempted to do or say anything interesting to keep me from going bored as we trudged through the snow and ice.

There was a Seeker girl in our group, her lithe figure was shivering in the cold, so I offered to warm her up--

Later on in the day, I'm keeping an eye inside the Crone when it turns out Cyrus ran out of sporebread. So I go out to find some bluecap mushrooms and bake some bread. I spent far too much time looking for the damn mushrooms before I spot some in caves outside the Lower Canal gates.

Who happens to be inside? Some sour armoured woman and Myria... wearing a Seeker uniform...

Hmm... So much for not opening up to people! Though I suppose it's not exactly the same thing...

Well, maybe I wouldn't mind so much... Didn't seem like she did.

* * *

Rabbit compared me to her mother today.

And she compared Drin to her father.

Huh. Don't really see that happening.

A single page in the book is covered in water marks and stains. There is not a single mark of ink upon it and the page itself is warped and bumpy as it has dried.

- - -

- - -

That last page...?

I don't know... It was something in the Peaceful Caves... I think...

I came to, woke from reverie, inside there, too. With this book open, on my lap...

Spoke with Myria some more today. It's sort of funny. You'd think that being a Seeker would require having some optimism or something but Myria seems to get bummed easily by things like thinking too much about choices and how people waste away and such.

She was also pretty tired so she went upstairs to take a nap. I thought about fo--

* * *

Rabbit, Drin, myself and others were asked by the Watch to clear out a cave full of giant spiders and ettercaps. Turns out they were being controlled, or at least prodded on, by a drow.

When we were looking through the spoils, Rabbit set off a trap on a chest. She was knocked down--killed, I thought.

Thankfully I was wrong.

Another page in the book is left blank, dotted with water stains and marks this time, as if it was lightly sprinkled with water and left to dry.

- - -

- - -

Again... I came to from reverie in the Peaceful Caves, my journal on my lap--the open page wrinkled, stained with water...

Or is it tears?

I've... been crying during reverie...?

Or before? When I sit by the spring in the cave, open the pages of this book, and try to put quill to paper... When I try to think of...

* * *

Rabbit's got some bounty on her head placed by some rhyming goblin. What the hells has she been up to when I'm not around?

Rabbit, it turns out was invited to join a mercenary company. I overheard her talking with of the mercenaries in their building and decided to eavesdrop... The thought that the mercenaries were thinking about cashing in the goblin's bounty on her head was not far off in my mind.

But I ruined Rabbit's chance at getting in by sneaking into the room when they were conversing. They eventually spotted me, they were quick to draw their weapons and prepare their spells. But she stopped them. Rabbit stopped the two mercenaries from out right attacking me. And she had to hand back the keys to the mercenaries...

The leader and captain of these Dragon Tails... What a bitch. I've seen her around before. Once, talking with Lucius Westmore in the Crone. Her ears twitched, and I knew she heard one of my steps.

Heh, "Twitch".

I couldn't help myself from talking back to her. It's just so much fun with hard asses. The type that think they're so tough, as if their voice is all that's needed to make somebody do something. Huh--sort of like me a bit...

After so many seconds of awkward silences and traded, venomous words, the other mercenary in the room suggested going to the arena instead of fighting it out in their precious office.

Luckily, Rabbit decided to leave and the two of us just managed to get out of there.

Hmm... Fighting Twitch one on one probably wouldn't be a fair fight--on my end. The double sword she's got seems pretty damn impressive and it looks like she's got some thicker leathers than I do.

You know... I'm feeling pretty tempted now... She called me a thief? Maybe I'll show her how a thief fights.

Again... I went to the Peaceful Caves... I opened my journal, took out a quill... And I felt the tears, welling in my eyes.

The pages before... Contained the dried salt of my tears...

I was just about to rain upon another page when I stopped myself, I needed to stop doing this, stop... mourning, and get over it... I needed to stop repeating the same things in this book...

So I did.

I stopped. I didn't let myself cry. I stopped it before it began. It's just a start, a small step--it still hurts. There's still more I have to do, reconcile... But a small, first step is still a step...

And I also stopped because I noticed Myria was watching me.

Something seemed wrong with her; she seemed awkward, out of place, and even more dour than before. I decided to return the offer she gave me back in the Crone a while ago, to listen. And I did, listened to her worries, told her what I could--what came to mind.

The topic of simple pleasures arose. I told her the world is all about simple pleasures; and that she shouldn't regret it--

With Kyle... Like I had said, I wouldn't let him kiss me. That's not what I wanted... But... It was what Myria wanted.

I didn't regret it.

The druidess is right.

I have changed... A lot.

I saw more of Rabbit's burns last night. Her armour was beginning to take a toll on her body so she took some off to rest. I held onto her. Tightly. And I wouldn't let her go, not even when she tried to get away from me. I wouldn't let her think she should be alone because of what happened to her and how she suffered.

She asked me if I would go back to the surface if I had the chance. I told her no, because people on the surface want me dead. But, and I saw this coming, what she meant was would I have avoided hell on Toril--the Underdark--to have met her... and others?

I said no.

Sanctuary--No--The people in this city, some very important people... They've made me feel so many things which I've never felt before, which I never thought I would feel on the surface.

Care... Friendship... Comfort... Lo--

Oh... Gods! I can't even believe how... soft? I've become. My hard-face, detached, uncaring, apathetic, stoic facade is crumbling.

With Myria... For me, it had always been about the basic, the crude, lecherous, sensual feel of it all. But never my lips--because I was always afraid that it might lead to something else, more. All the stories I've heard of princes and princesses falling in love at the touch of lips and living happily ever after, I never thought something like that possible for me. It was something that I had never felt and was scared off--I still am, a little.

I never let anyone touch my lips with their own. But I saw that it hurt Myria. So, I stopped caring about being uncaring. I let myself go.

Gods...! I shake my head as I think this, that some people might even go so far as to think me a romantic now.

I think back about what could have changed so much in me. What or who within the Underdark, within this city. And I can't help but think it all ties back to her:

Elrindra.

The first kind, strong soul I've let near me.

The Sev that existed before, one that never met her would have scoffed at all of this. Think a good portion of this book to be needless, pointless, emotional garbage that'll just drag her down.

But I don't.

I'm writing this in the Temple of Tyr. Where I found Rabbit--and lost her.

Twitch and I ended up in the arena. As I figured, I lost--but I was close.

But all of that doesn't matter. When Rabbit saw me down on the ground she went into a rage. She attacked Mebrith--Twitch--and she wouldn't stop. When I tried to stop her, she started taking swings at me and I was knocked down for a few moments.

I eventually got back up and Rabbit was finally stopped.

But... She ran away... From me. Because she thought she was going to hurt me again. Or that she might kill me.

I caught up to her. Told her that Drin would be able to help her. Control, discipline in a fight, that kind of thing. But she wouldn't believe it.

She ran off again. To New Dunwarren. I followed, tried talk to her again. Drin showed up, too--What the hell is wrong with that halfling?! I told him that Rabbit thinks of him like her father: uncaring, only protecting out of duty! But still! He won't tell her that he cares for some reason! Idiot!

She wouldn't stop. Rabbit wouldn't stop talking about how she wanted to go away from me. I told her that would be the most painful thing ever to me, more than anything she could do to me physically. But she wouldn't listen...

Fine... I told her to leave. She'll see just how hurt I'd really be.

Every single step she took away was so painful... Even when she left my sight and I coudn't see her anymore... Her little steps, on my heart...

It was probably little more than a few minutes. It felt like forever though.

When she came back, I told her that I have no idea what it's like to have a daughter, but I guessed that it was something like the love I felt for her.

Elrindra... The things I've felt because of her: care, friendship, love.

And because of her death? Anger, hate, sorrow...

I had to move on. I had to find something to replace or get rid of these feelings and emotions...

Care. Friendship. Love: Rabbit. Kyle. Morwen. Myria.

Anger. Hate. Sorrow: Astalder.

The last three. I wanted to get rid of those. I needed to unleash it.

And so I did. In fury and rage, at Astalder. I released it all at him. Vented. Shoved, beat, fought with my blade. He didn't defend himself, hardly tried... It didn't take long--not including a little pause where he blinded me and ran off.

But it's over now, it's all out. I feel better... I... Can finally move on.

I guess Astalder has also been moved up to that first list.

Rabbit did come back... But only for a while...

And now she left me again...

Good bye, Rabbit.

Good bye.

I found her with her own sword shoved through her stomach by her own hands and I--

Just can't--

Mebrith, Captain of the Dragon Tails Mercenary company--Gods, such a lame, cliche name. Starting to get to know her better. I wonder if I was ever as bad as her.

Morwen, I got a chance to see again today. She's very... She called me... Hiril... I think is the word she used--sister. I have a hiril.

* * *

Drin's angry, I told him about Rabbit... And he wants to see--tend to--properly bury Rabbit...

I'm not sure how, what I can do...

Now he shows all his feelings. If only Rabbit could see this...

I had been broke for some time, but I worked with Mebrith, some of the Mithrilsouls, and a few more to help take down some ogres and managed to get some money from that little adventure so that I could line my pack with a decent supply of medicinal herbs and other supplies.

Mebrith asked me if I would help her with hunting drow. I'm not sure if I'd really be interested in that sort of thing. I mean... I don't really understand why other elves are so adamant about trying to wipe them out... But, I wasn't raised an elf was I?

Drow, however, are all raised drow--as far as I can tell. And that means trying to kill me for being an elf if the chance comes up. So, I figure I'd help out Mebrith if the chance ever does come up.

Spent some more time with Myria.

It's amazing... Being so close to people--and not just Myria. Having friends like Morwen. And Rabbit, too...

A lot of people in Sanctuary were escaped slaves. Not me, I got lucky that no slavers found me when I was wandering around for who knows how long. But... growing up in Athkatla... That was a sort of slavery. One that bound and gagged me. Left me alone with nobody but myself. Inside myself.

Mebrith said that death would be preferable to life in the Underdark. That... Sounds familiar. Though, I don't think I ever said it out loud; and it wasn't that death would be preferable to life in the Underdark, but just life...

I wonder, if I could have looked at myself from the outside, is this what I would have seen?

When I went to go visit the Peaceful Cave, she was there, crying--I should probably get around to telling her that I did hear her doing just that.

I thought it was a little funny that I'd find her in that cave. It's such a... It's the kind of place that is shared by lovers, family, and friends--and the cave certainly does mean all of those things to me now. Yes, people also go there alone, too--but, with the purpose of... feeling something, I guess. I have to admit I didn't expect Mebrith to feel... At least not the kind of feelings one would experience in that cave.

We talked quite a bit. About a couple of different things but specifically trust--and happiness.

I laughed when Mebrith said I was so happy and joyous. Anybody who has read this book would see the irony in that. So, I got the idea of showing her this book. It took her a while to actually open it though. But I meant it when I said I trusted her with it.

Hi Mebrith.

Mebrith also told me that Evereska was destroyed. This affected me more than I thought it would. Elrindra's dream... I asked Mebrith where elves go after death. Arvandor, she said, which is at least put probably better than Evereska was.

That made me feel better.

By the end of our conversation, Mebrith, I think, started to trust. Especially considering how close she got to me.

Wow. The bunks in the Dragon Tails' barracks are comfy... I wonder what it'd be like to--

How did I find myself here?

Last night, after my conversation with Mebrith, she gave me a copy of the keys to the Dragon Tail's barracks. I thought it was for some other reason, but then...

While I was keeping an eye inside the Crone, Mebrith came in. She didn't think I was really spending my time in the best of ways. I told her that I had to do something to earn my bed and stay at the Crone. To which she asked why did I stay in the Crone when I had the key to the Dragon Tail's barracks...

I had no idea what to say... That just felt as if it came out of no where.

She told me that having me by her side made her happy...

Happy? Is that what Elrindra did for me?

So I'm no longer staying, or working, at the Crone. I left a note for Cyrus, along with my key. After all, there's no reason for me to hide from Upper any more.

Nathaniel Swift must be laughing his ass off wherever he is.

I'm searching for the surface now--the way. With the Dragon Tails. Mebrith wants to show me Evermeet. I think... Elrindra promised to do the same for me, with Evereska.

Maybe the promises will be fulfilled. Both of them.

I had a feeling things were starting to look too easy...

Life is always complicated. Beshaba is always watching.

I'm--I was--so hurt today. But Mebrith found me in the barracks and comforted me.

Things with Mebrith... She keeps on surprising me. I keep on finding myself in situations and places with her that I never thought I would from the first impression I had of her.

She told me about herself, her past, how she left Evereska and got here. We also talked about Captain Thorn, and how the people who own the offices offered the company a contract to kill Thorn. Mebrith is hesitant, though, because Thorn and her crew apparently let her lived on two occasions where they could have easily killed her...

Speaking of killing... For some reason, she's so afraid of me possibly dying. Even so much that she doesn't want me getting involved with the whole Thorn debacle.

But what would have been the point of me joining the Dragon Tails? What would have been the point of me... becoming friends--friends?--with Mebrith?

Friends...? I don't know... If Mebrith is just that... She's really--not any longer--what I expected when I first met her. When we first had that conversation in the Peaceful Caves, she gave me a hug. Today, also... During our talk about Thorn and death and... not wanting to lose one another... She hugged me again, but it wasn't awkward or fleeting, like last time...

It was... Fierce. Like she didn't want to let go... The only reason she did was because I was caught by surprise by how sudden and ... close... she was...

She said she loved me; as a sister and a friend. But is there...? I don't know.

Damn that Gatts for interrupting.

I didn't just find Rabbit with her own sword in her stomach, I saw her shove it into herself. I spotted her out by the Low Road, I was following her, but... Before she said she wanted space, away from me. So I thought I'd give it to her... At least... Not let her know I was watching.

Before I could do anything... She killed herself.

I brought her to the Hold where she was raised. She went into hiding. But... She's changed so horribly... The things she's said to me... Of me...

I thought before... That she was angry, when she lost control of herself fighting... But... I was only given a glimpse of her horrible fury.

She hates everybody now. More than ever--she's gone back to hating the tall. She hates me now. She blames Mebrith for everything even though it was me that started it all. She called me a slut; because of all the other people who became important in my life. She thinks they're all just people I want to jump in bed with.

I... Am... So... Completely... Lost... Now...

If she had plunged her dagger into my heart... Just as she had with her words...

I would be in a better place...

Mebrith says that Rabbit is her own person. I've said and done all I could for Rabbit, it's up to her to do as she wills and to recover from her own insanity now...

Her will... It seems, is to kill Mebrith. Rabbit attacked the two of us in the barracks. We managed to stop her--how painful that felt, to have to strike at her to stop her--but she wouldn't stop. She wouldn't change...

There's nothing I can do.

I dragged her bloody, bleeding body out of the barracks. Left her on the ground in the hallway. I could think of nothing else...

"You're not Rabbit.

If you try anything again.

I'll kill you."

I went back into the office, tried to ignore her. But her wails of anger, despair...

I went back out, to at least bandage her wounds--but... even in this last attempt at tenderness... She would hurt me. So deeply. I couldn't take it anymore so I let Mebrith take her away.

Mebrith...

Rabbit was right. I had told Mebrith about Rabbit, during our conversation about trust, I told her how Rabbit was still alive. Rabbit became so angry at me when she found out.

"You have a crush on her? Don't you?" Rabbit accused of me. That was why I wanted Mebrith to trust me. Rabbit was right. When Rabbit attacked us, I didn't act as first, but once she actually started to land hits on Mebrith... I fought beside her.

Mebrith doesn't know what the phrase "crush" meant. I was explaining it to her when--

Damn that Gatts for interrupting.

I killed Rabbit.

And I killed not-Rabbit.

Not-Rabbit and the Lurue priestess!--At the Peaceful Cave. Mebrith and I had gone for privacy--

Eaves dropping--Spying, like I was working with the Shadow Thieves. So many hurtful things. So much pain. Sharp words. Biting.

Spotted. Attacked. Fought.

I just... Wanted it to stop. I wanted not-Rabbit to stop. But without hurting Mebrith. I wanted not-Rabbit not to hurt Mebrith.... Nin Melleth...

Fight--again. To stop not-Rabbit. Bolt--mine. In her chest, deep wound... Fatal.

Dont know. Mebrith and Lurue priestess. Talked, said something... I don't know.

The ground outside the Hold is cold. Mebrith and not-Rabbit inside.

I'm losing--

Everything.

Steps!

I know where I am. Sanctuary. But I still feel lost. The last few days have been an utter, messy, blur...

After what happened in the peaceful cave, with Rabbit-Shade, Mebrith, and the Lurue priestess, Mebrith and Rabbit-Shade had a long conversation.

She--Rabbit-Shade--thinks I can't survive alone. Rotheshit! Alone? I was born alone! For over five decades I lived alone on the streets of Athkatla! Every other living being was either a target, or a source of gold and nothing else.

I know how to live alone--I've survived doing so and I'll be able to do it again if I need to. But now that I'm not alone, what kind of idiot--no, not idiot. What kind of heartless, dead-inside person would let the important people in their lives be taken away from them for no good reason!?

Mebrith... After their conversation Mebrith suggested that I leave and stay alone someplace out in the Underdark to prove to Rabbit-Shade--for tendays, a number of Mebrith's choosing. I said fine. So I walked out.

Mebrith realized it was more out of anger than out of me actually wanting to prove anything though. She chased after me, told me she was wrong to have ask this of me and said that she knows that I could do it. She wouldn't let me alone.

I'm glad she didn't.

When the two of us returned to Sanctuary, we found out Rabbit-Shade was being trialed. They exiled her, dumped her at the gates to Lower.

I don't know what to do about her...

Rabbit is dead. But not gone. Not entirely. She's changed, not gone.

She says she's Shade. And... I think I should call her Shade... I need to show her I know she's changed.

But, at the same time, Mebrith told me that in another conversation with her... Shade wants to find Rabbit again... Mebrith keeps on calling her Rabbit...

I have no idea what to do and feel so lost because of it. Right now, there's just these two people anchoring me in the world: Mebrith and Rabbit-Shade... But at the same time, it feels like they're slowly pulling me apart...

Shade...

It just feels so awkward...

Shade's changed her mind? Mebrith said she doesn't want to find Rabbit anymore... I need to ask her about that for myself.

Today... Has been a little weird. At first--

I ran into Kyle. And I decided to tell him that I'm involved with somebody else who prefers me all to herself. We'll still be friends, he says. And, really, that's what I would've expected at most.

Also, Myria and Mebrith met each other today or, at least, figured out what they had in common... It was horribly awkward. Before I explained things to them, they were already sniping at each other with words. And after... They both tried to pretend they weren't bothered or that it didn't matter.

I decided to tell Myria the same thing that I told Kyle. She's very understanding, Myria.

Mebrith, though, was worried a bit. It was surprising to me. How she wanted me all to herself. How she was worried that I wouldn't be. I told Mebrith that I'm all for her now and that seemed to calm her.

Later on, we ran into Morwen. The three of us joined some of the Mithrilsouls and few others to jump through some druidic portals. Things got a little ugly inside, with being attacked by animated trees that wanted our blood.

But we all managed to get out okay and we became so much more richer because of it. After we were done and the others left back for Sanctuary or wherever, Mebrith commented on how I can't rest or make camp in the wilds without starting a fire. It provides heat, but Mebrith also pointed out that it obviously attracts attention.

So, she taught me some things about surviving out in the wilds. About how to find large mushrooms and to use them as shelter and to catch heat beneath their caps. About how some fungus can be just as or even more comfortable than a bed.

I realized that Mebrith has been the only person in the world to tell me she loves me, with the exact word.

Something different about being told...

I realized I never told Mebrith that I loved her; I implied, hinted, coyed, and so on... But never those simple words...

So I told her.

Shade... Being around her makes me feel so empty. She feels empty herself, she says she's not able to feel anything.

I don't want to end up the same way. Like Shade.

Thank Beshaba for Mebrith. I always feel something with her.

Mebrith and I went on a long walk through the Underdark. She showed me some parts that I've never been to. Parts guarded by stone giants. And another part, a volcano, which was terrifying and awesome at the same time.

In the dull heat and dim light of the molten lava, I still felt comfortable beside Mebrith... I could see her more clearly than ever before.

Directly above the volcano was a hole. The same one that Mebrith and her company entered the Underdark through. It's impossible to reach that hole, but we'll find another way.

* * *

It seems Drin finally got the letter I sent him many days ago about Rabbit-Shade. I had a feeling I shouldn't have bothered with sending him that letter. Dealing with these halflings is starting to feel like its more trouble than it's worth.

Ever since Mebrith showed me how to make camp in the wilds, I've been trying other new things.

I've been watching Mebrith fight and I was thinking I'd like to be by her side more often if I can help it. I figure that fighting with my shortsword in one hand and a dagger in another would somehow be comparable to how she fights with that double-bladed sword.

I got used duel wielding fairly quickly. Mebrith, however, suggested I also try using a shield. She handed me one and I practiced with it for a bit. It felt a little strange at first though, since I was used to holding blades in both of my hands.

I tried seeing if maybe bashing things with the shield would be of any good but I just ended up with a sore, bruised forearm. When I tried to hand the shield back to Mebrith, she told me to keep it.

She always seems to be buying or finding gifts for me. Mostly little things.

It's so sweet. But she's going to end up spoiling me.

It's strange... Where was the most miserable moments in my life? The Butz Orphanage--in the dirtiest, slummiest part of Athkatla.

And now...? I'm happiest in Sanctuary. The Underdark.

Of all the places... It's here that I've learned to truly live, feel, experience, love.

I've had friends. I've had family. I've had lovers.

I've had... Everything. EVERYTHING.

Just because of this little, maybe even doomed, city in the Underdark.

I should hurry. Mebrith found a group of others intent on raiding a Drow caravan outpost. I've got to come along to just to keep an eye on her. She's so intent on killing them...

Must be an elf thing... Hmm... I should ask her to tell me about elves: the people, the places, the gods. Everything. I wonder, am I missing out?

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After this point, no new entries are ever written into this book again.