I am Porky Fool. I make up words to attack my competition. Did you notice my beer analogy in that one poster? That was fun, eh? I wrote that for the kiddies. I'm popular with children and old ladies.

Also, before I begin, I would like to add that Candidate Elaueth's latest campaign poster frightened me with the large blue letters at the bottom. Therefore, she is obviously frightened more by me. That's what my mom taught me.

I'm the right person for the job because I know what the issues are. Much in the same way as you can become a powerful wizard by knowing that magic exists, I fully expect to be put in charge of your safety. My ability to bewilder my political opponents with confusing nonsense words is to be commended.

Also, I'd just like to add that I am the only one who is allowed to refer to the faults of my opponents. If they try to do it, please let them know that when they do it they are being weak but when I do it I am being tough. I'm very tough.

Want to feel my beard? Go on, touch it. It won't bite...hard.

In summation: children; old ladies; basic comprehension of my surroundings and primary colours; my very own vocabulary. All these reasons make me the perfect candidate for your Sanctuary Council. Who wants to live forever after all?

-Porky Fool