*On pink coloured paper and heavily scented with cheapest colonge he could find, Porki draws rainbows, fairies and hearts on the border of the page. Along with the letter is a very fancy small box with a brightly coloured ribbon tied around it. Inside the box are a dozen delicious looking cookies lightly dusted with frosting*

To my dearest Private Sunellar,

it is with a heavy heart, nay a near breaking one that I must....no...I can't go on [a few tear drops appear to stain the page at this point]... but I must be strong and carry on. I can't soften the blow in any otherway but I'll be gentle as I can.

It seems that once again we have had unwelcome visitors on the platform of barak-tor, this time with [more tear drops]....fatal results that I had warned you about.

Our newest member of the clan, a lass named Dwyna ran into the chosen near the bottom of the stairs on her way home and they did very naughty things to her. I won't go into the gory details as I know what a sensetive soul you are. Sufficed to say, Dwyna was savaged severely by the chosen and only through the grace of her goddess ws she allowed to return to this mortal plane.

I know this will weigh heavily on your conscience and I wish there was some way I could ease that pain that this terrible news will cause you. That is why I included the cookies that Rolph has baked for you. The cookies are a way of communicating our feelings to you and those who would act in a manner that is not as helpful to our situation.

These cookies are loaded with fibre and a special secret ingridient that will help IMMEDIATELY with a fast and loose bowel motion and I recommend you eat one so you can truly empathise with how this situation makes us in clan stoutheart feel, especially me when I have to clean up the mess.

Do eat the cookies dearest Private Sunellar as we have baked them especially with you in mind. If you refuse to eat them, Rolph will be devastated and terribly insulted as he slaved all night over the oven making those for you.

Once again, I hope that you are well and close to a privvy when you eat the cookies.

With love

Porki <3 <3 <3

Both the package and the letter are returned, the former unopened. A small, neatly-written note is attached.

Were you not a complete and utter idiot, Elder Thule, I might have deigned to respond to your correspondence. All future letters between myself and your Clan will be arranged between your Thane Moonbane, whom I trust possesses the intelligence of a leader that is so wanting in you. Any further missives you send to the Watch House or myself will be returned unopened, so I suggest that you cease wasting your time with these inane gestures that you no doubt think so impressive.

-Private Sunellar