*Posted prominently all throughout Upper and Lower Sanctuary by someone who obviously has a good deal of inspiration or spare time*

TORM TALK!

With everybody's favourite True Deity, Torm!

Hello, welcome to Torm Talk, the biweekly column provided free for the people of Sanctuary by none other than Torm himself! I'm Torm, and I'll be answering some of your questions about life, love, and the pursuit of righteousness!

Our first question comes to us from Elizabeth Dufroid, former Councilwoman of Old Sanctuary.

Elizabeth Dear Torm,

Ever since I've been exiled from Sanctuary, I've been unable to acquire the medical ointments I use to keep my embarrassing outbreaks hidden from my gentlemen callers. I haven't been able to earn any money since nobody is willing to take the risk that my pustules may pop from vigorous physical activity. What should I do to get my business back on track and on my back?

Sincerely whores yours,

Elizabeth Dufroid.

Thank you for writing in, Elizabeth. Very many members of the Council share a similar problem, so don't feel like you're all alone. I know for a fact that Councilman Reev has a particularly nasty case of Wilting Willy from all his time spent in the local Mausoleum. The first thing you need to remember, and I can't stress this enough, is that you are completely justified in sleeping with anybody you want as long as there's a hope that they are enchanted with a cure for your affliction or know someone who is.

That being said, I would suggest that you wait outside the gates and eventually I will send a Paladin to kill you. It will be very righteous and you will be made a martyr for all women of the night. At the end of my Paladin's holy sword, you will become the center of attention again.

Thanks again for writing, and I hope you keep us informed of how you're doing!

Our next question comes from Harbinger Swalty of the Lower Temple of Hoar.

Swalty Dear Torm

I don't usually write to deities like you, but I decided to give this whole emotion thing a try. I've fallen in love with a fellow Harbinger named Fiona, but I don't know how to tell her how I feel. Whenever I'm around her, I get so tongue-tied that I have to run away and beat a homeless man and his family just to calm down.

I don't know how much longer I can keep beating the homeless. Please, tell me how to resolve my love for Fiona the Fine!

Yours truly,

Harbinger Swalty.

Well, Swalty, that's a very common problem that a lot of young men in your position face. You meet a girl over the exposed, steaming ribcage of a beggar in the throes of death, you get to know each other, and one day when you're in the middle of justifying inappropriate attentions towards a child as due punishment for his parents' crimes you suddenly realize that this person is the one for you.

There's many things you can do to put an end to this uncomfortable feeling. The first is to visit New Dunwarren and throw yourself through our gate, thus rendering yourself free of the pain of this mortal life. This isn't for everybody, as it can be hard to reach the gates through the throngs of brightly glowing people cursing you and your faith.

The second way is to approach one of my Paladins and express your love of dark chocolate. Every Paladin knows that anything other than white, yellow, or gold chocolate is inherently evil, and he won't hesitate to settle your problem with his blade right away.

The third way, and my personal suggestion, is just to write her a note expressing your feelings and tie it to half of a child's disembodied arm. By providing her a gift, she is sure to retaliate in the traditional Hoaran method of exaggeration and sleep with you immediately on the spot.

Good luck with your love life, you heretical heathen bastard.

Our last question of the day comes to us from a former Watch private who wishes to remain anonymous.

Anonymous Dear Torm,

Is there any way to carry my two-headed axe and my enourmous, swinging balls at the same time? I really need them both to be able to do the things I do to the people of Sanctuary. They're both so big and it's been such a problem that I was expelled from the Watch for it. Please help!

Former Private of the Sanctuary Watch.

My private Private, please don't be discouraged! With a little effort and the rejection of all your beliefs and relationships with sentient beings, you can find solace in the worship of me, Torm.

Might I suggest a bindle hanging from one end of your axe?

That's all for the questions today! I like to thank the organizations and factions of Sanctuary for making this so very, very, very easy. Don't forget to send in your questions and comments to the Pissing Crone, C.O. Torm Talk!

Until next time, always remember, Nothing you do is good enough and I'll never accept you. Goodnight!