18th Marponeth, 1373 Dale Reckoning

Introspection

Through introspection we can discover personal flaws, observe ourselves from a distance and act to prevent ourselves from making embarrassing mistakes, we can control our demeanor and provide the stimuli we need in our own head to pull off our desired, fabricated reactions and emotions. Each day I spent a little time digging deeper into my own head as the servants toiled in the field from below the keep. I thought I knew myself, I thought I was in control, each gesture was calculated, each smile. I slipped alot at the start but I was beginning to master myself, I thought I knew it all but I now realise I was oblivious to a very important part of me.

I ignored the signs, the allure, the teeth, the nails, the fever. It all came to me at once, crashing through my mind like a stampede of horses to reveal to me what I had always somehow known; I am different, not like the others. As I practice introspection by will alone, I am extrospecting whether I wish to or not. The world to me is a great play, I watch the characters dance across the threatre for my amusment, accurately predict the outcome of the many subtle meaningless side plots, but I am not a part of the piece myself. I want to be one of those actors up there in the grand play, but I lack the talent to join the charade. I am the understudy of the understudy in life's play and at the same time its wealthy patron, working to fuel the sparks and conflicts that arise to heighten my amusement.

Apart from the small pleasure I have observing social interactions there is the drive to know, to understand the weave. For every mystery of the art, there is always an answer, the cause and effect relationship is always present and it fills me with a driving vigor.

My desires haunt my every step, the darkness at the edge of my soul, that which whispers into my ear each night was unveiled for all to see. It took form, manifested to help foul Louis and my dear beloved sister in their betrayal. They took one of the only things I loved and turned it against me, the wizards that I once sought to someday join now doubtlessly hunt me. Worse still I fear a wolf or something worse is following me. I catch glimpses of something darting out of sight whenever I look behind me.

In the future when I read back on this, I hope it will help me find who I am.

I want my position back, but I want revenge more.

Uktar 11th, 1373 Dale Reckoning

No coincidence?

The Underdark, that is where I am; the deepest darkest depths of what is known; I supposed I was saved, to what ends, I have not determined. The place does have some merits though, to survive and maintain a certain degree of extragance, I have taken up the adventurer's trade. It involves dirt, pain and a lot of blood, which can be at times outstandingly entertaining, particularly when the situation is scented with a degree of irony.

I have been drawn into a new game, one with higher stakes than before, my performance determines so many things, so many things hinge on me becoming a leader of Sanctuary. Sanctuary? The name itself is ironic, so many die within its dim, mysterious streets. I ramble and spew ink on this page, the chaotic stream of my thoughts that I try to put in order yields something, what I don't know, but it is always soothing.

They mock me, am I better or worse? A dim view they say, lacking in his glory. Who is he? Some pitiful thing that has cursed or blessed my family for so long, lingering on the outskirts of my mind... whispering.

And what do I want? I want the power, I want the control, I want the unexpected to be expected and prepared for. I want to feel it flow freely through my fingers, as I myself become something better, greater. The options open up to me as they never did before, and all I need to do is play the game. It seems I live for it, I have come to this realization. And yet, for all my strength, for all my knowledge, I am starting to believe I lack the foresight to use it effectively, the world is a maelstrom, a chaotic sphere and I don't like that, for all my knowledge I can't predict it to the level I desire.

And what now? There is only one thing I need focus on now, the election, everything recent hinges on that crucial, pivotal moment when the rulers of the city for the next month are announced.

I pray, to whoever I now pray to now that I succeed.

a short scrawl is written below the last entry

Must play nice, smile, though not too broad. Start events, find coin, find funders.

another short entry is hastily written below

Find and destroy, find and destroy. Failure is not an option, failure is death or worse. Failure is loss. There must be no abyssal entity, find the answers, find them soon. Time is of the essence.

Do not fail